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In the Moment of Blur | Sam’s Story with Depression


It was back in 2014.

I met her at a dance event in Korea.

Nobody there knew that my life had almost ended 4 days before the event.

I certainly didn’t know that hers was going to end 6 months after the event.

We both had depression.

I made it through.

She didn’t.

I invited Sam to write this story because she shall not be forgotten, because we could have done better, and because there are still lives hanging on a thread that can be saved.

It’s been 2 years. But it never felt too far. Candlex really grew out of the crack between life and death. This is one of the stories that lit CandleX. Reading, editing and talking about this story with my friend, the author Sam, has brought back so much emotion that had already settled.

There have been many times in life that I have wondered if I will be forgotten when I am gone. You must have wondered the same.

“Rest in Peace, Amy. You are never forgotten“

–Xiaojie

Author | Sam

Editor | Xiaojie

I stepped into the apartment. There she was, pale and still, lying on the bed. I was in such shock that I could feel my head start to spin and my body becoming disoriented. I had to breathe consciously and focus on what needed to be done as rationally as possible. The hours that followed seemed such a blur. I just remember slowly the police coming, the media arriving with cameras, friends supporting me, and then it was declared:

Amy was dead.

Amy (I changed her name for privacy reasons) was around the age of 30, with a talent for art and design, she made her living through freelance graphic design projects. She was a quiet and timid girl, but also had a good sense of humor and a smile on her face. We met each other through a dance community and I noticed she had a sparkle in her eye whenever we danced together. I have been part of a dance community for many years, and through this, have had the pleasure of meeting people from a variety of backgrounds, cultures and professions.

Amy was a lovely person and didn’t seem to have any more troubles in her life than anyone else. We enjoyed dancing together at social events, and would have the occasional conversation, before one of us was asked to dance for the next song. She was pleasant, kind and gentle and I grew fond of her as time passed, even though we never became friends outside of the social dance events. Every now and then during a social I would notice Amy sitting in the corner, alone, looking a little down. Sometimes I would ask her for a dance and this would bring a brief smile to her face before she returned to her slumped position in the corner. Other times it was worse and she would have tears in her eyes and people crowded around her, but in contrast to this at other times she was full of life and energy.

Initially I judged her as a person to be emotionally unstable, and as my own personal experiences with people in the same condition didn’t end positively, I decided to keep my distance. With this prejudgement in mind I noticed other signals, like emotional outbursts via Facebook statuses where she pleaded people for help and I simply labeled this as attention-seeking behaviour.

One evening at a dance social, Amy was in another slump and so I asked her what the problem was. To my surprise she opened up and told me some of her troubles. It was then that I realised that maybe this wasn’t attention seeking and there was possibly something more going on. However, I wasn’t sure and I was still defensive and skeptical. But when she said she had suicidal thoughts and that she had already attempted to commit suicide, alarm bells rang in my head. However, she was clearly ashamed of herself and distraught about what had happened to her and she begged that I didn’t tell anyone else. My empathetic and compassionate nature kicked in and I gave her my word.

A week later she rang me unexpectedly an