Chapter 2: Cecilia in the Aftermath –Haunted by Petals

Editor: Xiaojie Qin

Time: Aug 2025

As Cecilia’s therapist, I witnessed the tremendous challenges she faced in rebuilding her life after leaving an abusive marriage.

Leaving abuse takes extraordinary strength (see Chapter 1: Cecilia's Escape - From Broken Vows to Independence), and healing requires immense patience. For survivors like Cecilia, hypervigilance is a common response to the trauma of intimate partner violence. While I’ve created video content (scan the QR code below) on “The Aftermath of Leaving an Abusive Relationship,” nothing captures this journey more powerfully than a survivor’s own story.

Thank you, Cecilia, for bravely sharing your experiences to raise awareness in our Beijing and greater China community. Your voice lights the way for others.

Author: Cecilia (Pseudonym)

Date: Aug 2025

After settling into my apartment in China, I dived into a routinary, domestic life.  I had a group of male and female colleagues who I would hang out with, and my outings consisted mostly of lunch dates and city walks. Several of them lived in my compound, as is customary if you are an expat.

On a particular morning, as I left my apartment, I stumbled upon something unexpected: a package placed outside my door. I froze and took a look inside, puzzled.  There, near my feet, was a medium-sized brown bag containing a box of big, juicy strawberries and a handwritten note that said, “Happy Women’s Day”. One of my colleagues, who lived in the same compound as me, signed the note. Most women would have smiled at the content of the note and would have made sure to thank him, but I did not take it well.

I stood in fear in the door frame, with the note still in my hand. The thought of someone standing outside my door the night before, while I was cooking my next day’s meal, listening to a podcast and oblivious to what was going on outside, brought shivers of fear down my back. I could picture him quietly standing outside my door and depositing the bag, maybe even listening to what was going on inside. Fear turned into anger- “how dare he?” I was so upset at the thought of someone trespassing my personal space that I slashed out on him when I saw him outside getting a bike, as I walked to the entrance of the compound. I can’t remember very well what words I used but I do remember my outrage, disproportional and overpowering. Was it really about a bag of strawberries outside my door? No. Something deeper and more sinister was coming up and it had very little to do with this morning’s incident.  This innocuous gift opened a wound that I thought I had buried inside, triggering feelings of fear and breaching my sense of safety.

When I finally composed myself that morning, I connected to the scary, crippling memory that was the real cause of my fear and outrage. It had taken place many years before, when I was dating the controlling and manipulative man that would become my husband. We were in an on-and-off relationship, and every time I broke it off because of his emotional outbursts, he would look for ways to win me back. On one occasion, I had left my therapist’s office and had walked back to my car, parked in a deserted parking lot that was concealed from the street by a high fence. It was after 8pm and the only establishment nearby had closed for the day. As I approached my dim lit car, I saw a note on the windshield. When I reached out to read its content, I recognized with horror my ex’s handwriting. “How could he know I was here? Had he followed me here? And worst… was he still here?” I looked around in panic, as the silence and darkness of the place crept in on me. From then on, I did not feel safe anywhere I went and dreaded getting home at night. I realized that the fear of what I had been exposed to in the past was controlling my life and interfering with my present relationships.

I knew that I urgently needed help to overcome the trauma of what I had experienced. After a friend shared with me CandleX’s official account, I signed up for the upcoming small group therapy sessions. (Editors’ Note: Cecilia attended Project A’s Group Therapy for Recovering from Abusive Relationship.) One more time, I was being challenged to expand, to become more conscious, to be resourceful. Therapy made the calling, and I accepted it.

Disclaimer: The editor’s note was proofread and improved by Deepseek, while the Author’s writing was not assisted by any AI in any way.