Thoughts | The Aftermath of Leaving an Abusive Relationship

At CandleX, we were first introduced to the complex reality of abusive relationships through the courageous stories shared in our !!!!!!!!!!Mental Health Peer Support Group. Over the years, our peer group meetings have been privileged to support a number of individuals who felt isolated, conflicted and ashamed on their own journey.

In 2023, Xiaojie, a Psychotherapist and the Director of CandleX, created a series of five psychoeducation videos after providing a few rounds of in person group therapy for survivors in Beijing, and she continues to provide individual therapy support. The goal is to offer knowledge and support for the challenging transition period after leaving an abusive relationship, because the journey toward healing requires sustained courage.

In this article, we invite you to listen as Xiaojie introduces the topic of "The Aftermath of Leaving an Abusive Relationship," focusing on one of the key psychological experiences: the cognitions of survivors. A full transcription of her talk is provided below.

Xiaojie 2023

Leaving an abusive relationship is a traumatic event that can have long-lasting psychological and physical effects on survivors. As a psychotherapist who works with survivors of abusive relationships, I have witnessed first-hand the devastating impact that these relationships can have on individuals and families. However, I have also observed the incredible resilience and strength of survivors who are able to rebuild their lives after leaving an abusive partner. If you are a survivor, I want you to know that recovery is more than possible, and you can still achieve your dreams just as some of my clients have. With the consent of my clients, I have written articles sharing our therapy process and its outcomes on this topic. You can find the link to my article here in the description.

Through my work with clients, I have found that many survivors feel isolated and alone in their experiences. That’s why I decided to provide some insights into ‘the aftermath of leaving an abusive relationship’.

In my therapy practice, I use a combination of approaches, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I will explore the symptoms of abusive relationships from a CBT framework, separating symptoms into the categories of thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and physiological reactions.

If you, or someone you know, has experienced an abusive relationship, please forward this video series to them. Project A also provides substantial subsidies to those in China seeking therapy (Project A is inactive right now). In my next video, I will discuss the thought patterns commonly experienced by survivors.

Xiaojie 2023

Thoughts | The Aftermath of Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Welcome back to my channel. If you have experienced abuse in your relationship, you may be carrying traumatic symptoms across all four categories of the CBT framework: thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and physiological sensations. In this video, I will focus on how survivors of abusive relationships often struggle with their thoughts.

Rumination

One common symptom is rumination, which is the obsessive replaying of abusive experiences and analyzing what could have been done differently. This fixation on the past can be a sign of trauma and can leave you feeling stuck and drained. This pattern of thinking can even manifest in nightmares related to the abuse. While this is a natural response by our innate system to clear itself of trauma, it could operate on an isolated pattern or a frozen pattern, which leads to stagnation in your healing process. Therapy approaches like eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) can help manage PTSD symptoms and lead to healing.

Doubting Your Own Judgments

“I don’t know what to believe.” I heard it from my clients over and over again. This is a common symptom of doubting your own judgments or feelings (what is emotional abuse?). Abusers will often use two-stage tactics in relationships, the first of which is a period of wooing to establish trust and emotional dependency, and then they seem to change so dramatically and demonstrate abusive behaviors, leaving you feel confused. As a result, you may feel like they can no longer trust your own feelings or judgments after being manipulated or gaslit. This can lead to feelings of helplessness and a lack of agency. Rebuilding self-awareness through therapy can help alleviate these feelings of doubt.

Being at War With Yourself

You may also struggle with conflicted emotions about positive memories of the abuser. Even after ending the relationship, it is common for you to feel torn between positive memories experienced together and negative associations. This internal conflict can feel like being at war with yourself, and may even lead to invalidating your own positive feelings in order to justify leaving the relationship. This complex process requires social and professional support to help navigate and ultimately move forward.

In my next video, I will move on to explore the another category of the CBT framework: emotions.

To learn more about Recovery of Abusive Relationship, please read our compilation article on this topic: Healing From Abuse | World Trauma Day 2025.

If you are recovering from an abusive relationship, you can also use our resources at CandleX below.