This article was originally written in Chinese by the author Qin Xiaojie (Counselor, Psychotherapist) and later translated into English by DeepSeek, adhering to the  original intent of the writing and the ethical principles of writing about client experiences . 文章由作者秦小杰（心理咨询师，心理治疗师）用中文写作（向下滑动到后半部分可见），后经Deepseek翻译成英文，秉持： 写作初心和来访咨询故事写作伦理原则 。 Author:  Xiaojie Qin Time: Feb 2026 Deviating from the Theoretical Course: A Creative Choice Rooted in the Present In the previous chapter, we explored a distinctive concept within Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy: the  “waiting room” .  Following the classic IFS protocol, after inviting a “Protector” part to step aside, the next step typically involves a deeper “ unburdening ” or “ healing ritual ” for the “Exile” part, what Dr. Richard Schwartz describes as practices borrowed from  shamanic tradition , designed to witness and transform those long-suppressed core emotions carried by the exile. I will return to explore that process in a later chapter. In this chapter, I want to share a core belief that guides all my therapeutic work: every truly effective session unfolds in the creative encounter between theory and the immediate present. On the real journey of therapy, I navigate by constantly assessing the current conditions: the passenger’s state (the client’s emotional landscape), the weather (the quality of our therapeutic alliance), and the time we have available and etc. I then choose the route that seems most passable in that very moment. As a therapist, my primary allegiance is not-  and I aspire it never to be - to any single modality, but to the person sitting across from me and to the shared “here and now” we are inhabiting together. The actual walking that happens in the therapy room can never be done by strictly following a map. It requires me to temporarily set the manual aside and listen with my entire being—not only to the client’s words, but to the tremor in their voice, the rhythm of their breath, and to the smallest, most palpable opening for change within the present moment. It is a moment-by-moment discernment of which theoretical framework or specific tool might best serve the person in front of me. In the final times of our work, Xuan's finances limited us to meeting just once a month.  This sparse rhythm posed a particular challenge for the kind of bottom-up approach as IFS, which often requires more frequent sessions to cultivate a gentle change in the felt sense and continuity needed for deep inner rituals. The good news was that we already had a solid map of her inner world (her Manager, Firefighter, and Exile, as seen in  Chapter 6 . I now needed a tool, still a bottom-up one, that could create a powerful, self-contained shift in a single meeting—something she could take with her and practice outside sessions without my presence. I turned to a skill from my own past:  five years of improvisational theater practice.  I decided to use "role-play", which is a tool across many modalities in psychotherapy. It could be seen as a  pragmatic detour —a bumpier, more direct road that traded the comfort of a slow, scenic route for the chance to reach our destination sooner. This hands-on, sometimes gritty approach led us straight to the heart of the matter:  the raw, first-time experience of changing an inner dialogue. Role Play: Fake It Until You Make It Change is a gradual, iterative process. In our sessions, when Xuan once again became mired in self-criticism over her "inability to act," I made an intuitive, in-the-moment technique judgment. To gently accelerate our pace, I decided to forgo another deep dive into her internal landscape. Instead, I chose to stage her inner conflict in the space between us, allowing her to see with her own eyes and experience in her own body how that internal dialogue became stuck (the external bipolarized behaviors were driven by her internal clashing voices presented in  Chapter 5 ) —and how a new thread of conversation might begin. What follows is a condensed excerpt from one such session, which began when she sank into depressive self-blame after "making an excuse" to skip a showing up for a work shift. Me:   "Let's try a role-play. I'll be the part of you that just… can't. The one that wants to stay put. Your job is to be the 'motivator'—see if you can get this lump on the couch to move." We swapped places. I sank into the sofa that my clients usually sit, letting my body go slack in a performance of pure passiveness. She perched on the edge of my therapist's chair. Take 1: I gazed at the ceiling with the back of my head on the sofa. Xuan :  "Get up. Go mop the floor."  Her voice was all edges—a command hurled across the room. I turned my face to the wall, a fortress of silent refusal.  She froze, at a complete loss. Cut. Take 2: I leaned back on the sofa, looking numb.  Xuan:   "Look at you. Lying there like a useless sack. Is this what you are now? Get up and act like a person!"  The words were barbed, meant to hook and drag me upright through sheer shame. Me:  (A low mutter from the couch)  "No. I'm not going."  I didn't even look at her. The resentment was a physical barrier. The frustration that crumpled her face was almost palpable. Cut. A Pause for Direction “Let’s take a break from the role-play.”  I softened, letting my therapist's presence back into my voice.  "Let's rewind. What was the mission here?" "To get you to do something,"  she sighed, the fight draining out of her. "And how did your approach land? What did that tone invite?" "…A wall,"  she admitted quietly.  "It just built a wall." "Exactly. So the command…" I responded,  "…doesn't work,"  and she finished, the realization landing not just in her mind, but in her weary posture. Take N: Despite many failed attempts, I was relieved that our previous work kept her in the emotional tolerance. Looking back at the beginning of our journey, similar scenario would only end in complete emotional fatigue and the stuck feeling of  “Xuan(2): I can’t” . We tried again, the shift began not with a shove, but with a glance. Xuan :  "You seem… tired today?"  She asked with a flat tone. Me : (A slow, heavy blink)  "…Yeah. I am." Xuan : "It's been… a lot lately."  The words were wrenched out, syllable by syllable, as if she were speaking a language she'd only ever read. This was monumental. The old,  scorching tape in her mind —the one that only played  "you should"  and  "this is your fault" —had finally jammed for a second. Me : I let out a breath I seemed to have been holding for years.  "It has. There's been no space. No rest. I'm just… empty."  With immense effort, I pushed myself up to sit. She watched the movement, her own jaw tight, wrestling down the familiar demon that wanted to shout and blame. She looked at the floor, gathering the scattered pieces of a new script. Xuan :  "The deadline is… there. But. We could… start slowly. Maybe… together?"  The old impatience was still there, a sharp thread woven through the offer, but the offer itself was utterly new. It was the first time. The very first time her  Self  had gently taken the microphone from the furious inner critic. Me : I met her eyes, my own wide with a fragile hope.  "You'd… stay? And do it with me?" I got up. Cut. Xuan’s mood lightened up, and she smiled.  “Okay, I think I know what you are doing now.” Equip my therapy studio with various tools from modalities: take what you need. Every therapist enters the therapy room with their own theoretical preferences and life experiences. This shapes our perspective, but it also defines our limitations. For me, different therapeutic modalities are not a “single script” to be rigidly followed—after all, there are theoretical debates even among them. I intend to have a continuously evolving and well-equipped consulting ‘mind studio’, filled with tools from various modalities that I’ve taken apart. I aspire to reassemble them, but more often, I simply use the part that is needed in the present moment. Therefore, each therapy session can never be, nor should it be, an assembly-line product of rigidly applied theory. It is more like an improvised theater of life—there is a set theme (the client’s core issue), but no fixed script. The client and I are partners, and within a safe framework, we experiment with new dialogues and new moves until, in a certain moment, we both feel:  “Yes, this is our most genuine and most needed expression right now.” Although I have spent half a year writing extensively about my understanding of IFS and illustrating some of my applications of it, what ultimately fascinates me is not the theory itself, but how  a theory can come to life—appropriately and vividly—in a real encounter with a specific human being. Xuan's Therapy Stories: A Gentle Pause with Me Yet Xuan’s healing and growth continue to take root and reach outward in the soil of her everyday life. I witnessed her " Self " becoming clearer and broader, like the rings of a tree—that inner clarity, courage, and compassion are steadily becoming the foundation from which she meets the world. At the start of 2026, I've offered myself two reminders to hold two kinds of tenderness: One is acceptance of my longing for perfection, which keeps my gaze fixed on the stars and sustains an upward-reaching strength. The other is the embrace of imperfection—holding space for each misstep and welcoming every achievement that may not feel complete. The first is the light; the second is the soil. And true growth happens precisely in the space between them—steadily, day by day, becoming the shape of one's own self. This is, at its heart, the essence of our work. I offer this reflection to everyone who has journeyed through the story of Xuan and me in the therapy room. My best wishes to you, Xuanyuan. The chapter of our therapy work has reached its warm conclusion, and as your own unique life story continues to unfold, it will always have my heartfelt applause. In the next chapter, we return to the introduction of IFS, specifically to the understanding of the "unburdening" shamanic technique for Exiles. 作者： 秦小杰 时间：2026年2月 偏离理论的航线：忠于当下的创造性选择 上一章，我们探讨了内在家庭系统治疗（IFS）中一个颇具特色的设置： “等候室” 。按照经典的IFS流程，在邀请保护者暂歇之后，下一步往往会进入更深层的针对“流放者”的“修复仪式”或称“无负担化”。这些疗愈仪式，创始人理查德·施瓦茨博士(Dr Richard Schwartz)提到他借鉴了萨满传统实践，引导“流放者”那些被压抑的核心情绪得以见证与转化，这个部分我会放在下一章讲述。 这一章，我想分享一个贯穿我所有咨询工作的核心理念： 每一次有效的咨询，都发生在理论（流派）与当下的创造性相遇之中。 在真实的旅途中，我会根据乘客（来访者）当下的状态、天气（咨询关系）和可用的时间，选择一条此刻最可能通行的路。作为咨询师， 我的第一忠诚–我时常提醒自己–­不属于任何一个具体的流派，而属于坐在我面前的这个人，以及我们正在共享的这一个“当下” 。真正在咨询室里发生的行走，却无法完全按图索骥。它要求我暂时放下地图，用全部的感官去倾听——不仅听来访者的话语，更听ta语调的颤抖、呼吸的节奏，以及那个“当下”里最可能被听见的、最微小的改变契机，以及时时刻刻决定哪个理论流派、工作手法更适合来访。 在璇璇跟我咨询的后期，因为财务局限的原因，我们的咨询频率被迫降低到一个月一次。在我看来，传统的、需要高度连续性的IFS内在仪式工作，在节奏上遇到了挑战。庆幸的是，我们对她的内在系统（管理者、消防员、流放者）已有了清晰的IFS地图式理解（如 第六章:璇璇内在敌对的联盟 所述）。我需要一种在单次会话中就能创造高浓度体验、并能被她直接带入生活的方法。 我以前的一个爱好，也变成了我从另一片沃土—— 五年的即兴戏剧训练 。于是，我选择了“角色扮演”的工作方式，通过模拟场景的对话体验性植入新的内部沟通方式。却让我们更好地抵达了一个熟悉的站台： 内在对话的改变的初体验。 角色扮演：排练另一种人生，直到它成为你的角色 改善是一个循序渐进的过程，在咨询中，当璇璇再次因“无法行动”陷入自我批判的泥潭时，为了能够稍微加快咨询速度，我做了一个基于当下直觉的判断： 今天放弃深入潜意识的内景，而是将内在的冲突“外化”到我们两人之间的空间，让她亲眼看见、亲身经历那段对话是如何卡住的(璇璇几年的双相的外在表现，可以通过 第五章：来访璇璇(5): 僵持的内在对话 深入了解)，以及一线新的对话如何可能被开启。 以下，摘录的是浓缩到一起的。起因是一次会谈中，她因“找借口”没去上班而陷入抑郁自责。 我： “ 我们来做个角色扮演，我饰演你不想干活的那部分，你饰演动员者，目的是让我起来干点事儿。” 我们交换位置——我坐到来访椅上半躺着，她坐到我（咨询师）位置。 第一镜： 我半倒在沙发上，看着屋顶。 璇璇 ： “起来啊，去拖地。” 她用命令口气说。 我立即皱眉，眼睛看向别处，不理她。 她不知所措。 卡 第二镜： 我身体重重的在沙发上待着。 璇璇： “成天都这么躺着，什么都不干，没个人样，起来去干活。” 她生气地说。试图用责备去刺激我，让我屈服于她。 我： “我不去，我不想去。” 我恨了她一眼。 她非常沮丧。 卡 场外指导 我回归到咨询师的本色中，来指导她。 我： “你还记得你的目的是什么吗？” 璇璇： “让你起来干点事儿。” 我： “ 你刚刚的语气，你觉得我听了会有什么反应？” 璇璇： “抗拒吧，不想听。” 我： “也就是这种命令是无效的”。 第N镜： 许多次失败尝试，但我们之前每一次看似缓慢的内心创伤的修复，让她的情绪耐受力得到很大提高（要知道，我跟她工作的前期，同样的场景，她经历着“来访璇璇故事 第二章：我做不到 ”的折磨。），再N次尝试后，璇璇的态度终于有了一丝改变： 璇璇： “你今天有点累吧？” 她问。 我： “是的。” 我把我耷拉的眼皮抬起来。 璇璇： “最近你也辛苦了。” 她极其勉强挤出这句话。 这句话是一个很重要的她内在疗愈的进展。要知道，她曾经 胸口的那盘磁带 里只有苛责和这都是应该的言语。 我： “对啊，最近特别忙，很久没有休息了，我没有一点力气了。” 我从半躺着坐起来。 璇璇努力在咽下自己想开骂的劲，她看着地，调整了一会儿。 璇璇： “都要快到截止日了，那你慢慢来做，我们可以一起。” 声音中带着藏不住的不耐烦。 但这是她第一次，能够自己用“ 真我 ” 去领导。 我： “你陪着我啊，那好啊”。一丝质疑但也掩不住喜悦的看着她。 卡！ 旋旋嘴角罕见地扬起一丝顽皮的笑容： “好像，我知道你在干什么了。” 流派是用来装备我的咨询工作室：使用则按需而取 每一位咨询师，都带着自身的理论偏好与生命经验进入咨询室。这构成了我们的视角，也是我们的局限。对我而言，不同的咨询流派并非需要严格遵守的“单一剧本”，况且各个流派之间也有理论争斗。对我而言，我头脑有着一个不断完善和更新的咨询工作室，其中装满了被我拆散的 咨询流派的各种工具，我可以将它们还原，但更多时候只是用当下需要的零件 。 因此，每一次咨询都不可能，也不应该是某个理论僵化应用的流水线产品。它更像一场 即兴的人生剧场 ——有既定的主题（来访者的核心议题），却没有固定的台词。我和来访者互为搭档，在安全的框架内，共同尝试新的对白、新的走位，直到某个瞬间，我们都感觉到： 对了，这就是我们此刻最真实、也最需要的表达。 尽管我已经花了半年的时间，大量写作我对IFS的理解和我就部分应用的展现。最终，令我着迷的并非理论本身，而是理论如何能在 与一个具体生命的真实相遇中，焕发出恰如其分的生机。 璇璇的心理咨询故事，在此告一段落。 但她的疗愈与成长，仍在生命的土壤里持续扎根、伸展。我见证着她的“真我”如树之年轮，日渐清晰、宽广——那份内在的 清明、勇气与慈悲 ，正一点点成为她面对世界的底色。 2026初始，我给了自己两句话，提醒自己怀抱着两种温柔：一种是内心仍有 对完美的期望的默许 ，它让我们始终望向星辰，保有向上的力量；另一种是 对不完美的承接 ——承接自己每一次的失误，也拥抱每一个不够圆满的成就。 前者是光，后者是土壤。而真正的成长，正是在这两者之间，稳稳地、一天天地，长成了自己的模样。这正好是我们工作的内容，送给每一个读完璇璇和我在咨询室里的故事的你。 祝福你，璇璇。属于我们的咨询章节已经温暖完结，而你独一无二的生命故事，将永远拥有我发自内心的喝彩。 下一章，让我们一起回到IFS框架中，深入了解如何为“流放者”完成“去负担”这一极具仪式话的过程。

This article was originally written in Chinese by the author Qin Xiaojie (Counselor, Psychotherapist) and later translated into English by DeepSeek, adhering to the  original intent of the writing and the ethical principles of writing about client experiences. 文章由作者秦小杰（心理咨询师，心理治疗师）用中文写作，后经 Deepseek 翻译成英文，秉持:  写作初心和来访咨询故事写作伦理原则。 Author:  Qin Xiaojie Date: January 2026 By applying the theoretical framework of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy to explore Xuanxuan's experience of bipolarity, we can see that for a long time, she was alternately controlled by her inner  Manager  and  Firefighter  (as detailed in  Chapter 4 ). This manifested as episodes of   "a forced march of achievement"  and  "depressive withdrawal that rendered the outside world irrelevant." Guided by the IFS framework, we have already taken a significant and promising step forward: gaining a deeper understanding of the relationships and states of Xuanxuan's inner parts. 作者： 秦小杰 时间：2026年1月 来访璇璇的双相生活状态，我们用内在家庭系统治疗（IFS）的理论框架去探索，可以看到，在很长时间里都被内在的 管理员 和 消防员 交替操控（请见来访璇璇咨询故事 第四章 ），呈现出“精疲力竭也无法停止的躁动”和“世间万事我无暇顾及的抑郁”。在IFS咨询框架的指导下，我们已经迈出了可喜的一步了，就是对璇璇内在部分关系和状态的了解。 The Difficulty of Unblending: When the Manager Refuses to Step Aside According to the IFS process, the next step is to gently  unblend  the different parts within. From this perspective, inner chaos and conflict often arise not from one voice, but from many parts speaking—and clashing (See  Chapter 5 )—at once, creating a tangle that's hard to unravel. In one session, Xuan described what had pulled her under that week: a plan to finish a critical professional report over three nights had fallen apart. Between sheer exhaustion and her child suddenly falling ill, only a fragment was complete.  (Note: To deeply protect client privacy, specific dialogues and details are narratively adapted, while the core therapeutic process remains true to clinical experience.) “I feel like a complete failure,”  Xuan said, a familiar heaviness in her tone.  “I can’t even manage something this basic.” “That led to a lot of disappointment toward yourself,”  I reflected. She nodded. Our work had already transitioned into a  ‘bottom-up’, felt-sense  ­– a way to bypass her analytical mind and meet experience directly through  the language of the body , which Xuan was gradually learning to decipher. “If you’re willing, would you close your eyes and try to meet this ‘failure’ feeling directly?”  I offered. Xuan nodded and let her eyes close. “Good. Stay with your breath. Now see if you can find that ‘I failed’ feeling… Where is it sitting in your body? Does it have a texture, a color, a shape?” A quiet moment settled. Then, softly:  “In my chest… It’s heavy. Like a lump of gray stone, pressing down.” I held the space, allowing her to stay with the sensation. But within seconds, her brow knitted slightly. “Something seems to have shifted inside,”  I gently noted.  “Would you be willing to share what’s happening?” Xuan replied,  “…Of course I failed. It’s because when I have downtime, I just scroll on my phone. If I’d spent a few hours less on that last week, the report would’ve been done by now.” Xuan’s  prefrontal cortex—the very analytical faculty we were trying to gently bypass—snapped back online.  Her inner analyst took the stage, a clear function of her  Manager part , swiftly intervening to steer us away from the raw, felt experience I was guiding her toward. Me:  “What if we gently asked this ‘Manager’ part if it might be willing to take a short pause? We could invite it to rest for a while in the ‘waiting room.’” Xuan:  (without hesitation) “…It won’t. It says it has to stay right here.” When I tried to approach Xuan’s inner  Exile —the young girl holding the old pain—the Manager who declares “Of course you failed” would intervene. It did not want us speaking directly to the Exile, fearing her pain might swell into something uncontainable. In the logic of IFS, this Manager is, at its heart, a guardian. Its relentless criticism is not an attack, but a misguided form of loyalty— a lifelong vow to protect the child within from feeling that crushing weight of pain ever again. 分离之难：当“管理者”拒绝退场 用IFS的咨询流程来讲，下一步就是更好地将内在不同的部分进行“分离”（unblend the parts）。在IFS看来，内心的混乱与矛盾，常常是因为不同的部分在同时发声、互相干预，让局面变得难以厘清。 在一次咨询中，璇璇讲述了让她那一周陷入低落的事件：她原本计划用三个晚上完成一份重要的职业进修报告，但最终因为精疲力竭和孩子突然生病，只完成了一小部分。（注：为深度保护来访者隐私，本章节中的对话细节与事件背景已进行文学化改编，但其核心的对话过程与咨询逻辑均严格遵循真实的经验。） “我感到自己彻底失败了，”璇璇说，声音里带着熟悉的沉重感，“我连这么基本的事都掌控不了。” “你对自己有强烈的失望。” 我回应道。她点了点头。 我们的咨询方式已经更多的转移为‘ 自下而上’的感受性 过程——一种 有意为之的迂回，目的是让璇璇的思维暂时退居幕后。 璇璇已经对这个过程有了好些的体验。 “如果可以的话，你愿意闭上眼睛，直接去接触这份‘失败感’本身吗？" 我直接引导到。 璇璇点了点头，闭上了眼睛。 “很好，保持呼吸。那个‘我失败了’的感觉你观察它……它在你身体的哪个位置？它有什么质地、颜色或形状吗？” 短暂的沉默后，她低声描述：“在胸口……很重，像一团压着的、灰色的石头。” 我保持安静，给她时间和这个感受相处。 但，不到几秒钟，她的眉头微微蹙起。 我跟上问到“似乎你内心有些变化，你可以分享下吗？”。璇璇回答到，“……我当然会失败，因为我没事的时候，就会刷手机。如果我上周少耍几个小时，现在报告早就写完了。” 璇璇的前额叶被激活了，她在思考 。用IFS的话，她的‘管理员’以一个分析师的角色跳出来了，开始干扰我们和情绪的接触。 我：“我们能不能试着先请这个‘管理员’部分暂时休息一下？可以邀请它去一个‘等候室’里待一会儿。” 璇璇：（立马回答到）“……它……它不去。它觉得必须留在这里”。 当我去接触璇璇内在的“流放者”，那个背负着痛苦的小女孩时，那个说着“你当然会失败”的管理者跳出来，它不希望我们直接跟流放者对话，因为 管理者害怕小女孩的痛苦被放大、变得不可收拾 。在IFS理论中， 管理者是一个有保护之心的守护小女孩的责任。 A Sophisticated Defense: The Manager's "Analysis"  When I guided Xuan to directly contact the feeling of "failure" (that heavy, gray stone), it triggered a red alert in her Manager. Because "feeling vulnerable" is the gateway to the Exile's pain—the wounded child within—the Manager grew deeply anxious, fearing a loss of control. It could not allow that door to open. So, it launched a more subtle, more "intelligent" emergency protocol: 1.  Redirecting the Focus:  It forcibly shifted Xuan's attention away from  "feeling the emotion of failure"  (which felt uncontrollable and dangerous) and toward  "analyzing the cause of the failure"  (which appeared manageable and rational). 2.  Offering a "Solution" : By pinpointing "scrolling on her phone" as the "cause," it was essentially saying:  "See? The problem is clear, and the solution is obvious (just don't scroll next time). So, you don't need to sit in that uncomfortable feeling anymore. Get up and keep fighting!" Therefore, this  'Analyst' was not there to help her feel, but to stop her from feeling.  It had no intention of going to a "waiting room." In that moment, as a therapist whose early practice was rooted in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (for its limitations, see my other  article ), I too felt shut out and at a loss. I gently guided her back from the imagery exercise. After the session, I returned to my studies, seeking a way forward—a path to respectfully engage with a Manager so vigilant that it had stalled our very progress, and to gently negotiate a space where healing could begin to move again. 管理者用“分析”搅局：一种更高级的“防御” 当我引导璇璇去 直接感受 “失败感”（那团灰色的石头）时，这触碰了管理者的 红色警报 。因为“感受脆弱”是通往“流放者”（受伤小孩）痛苦的大门，管理者此时很焦虑害怕场面失控，所以绝不允许这道门被打开。 于是，它立刻启动了一项更隐蔽、更“聪明”的应急方案： 1.  目标转移 ：它把璇璇的注意力，从 “感受失败的情绪” （不可控的、危险的），强行拉到了 “分析失败的原因” （看似可控的、理性的）。 2.  提供“解决方案” ：通过指出“刷手机”这个“原因”，它实际上在暗示：“看，问题很清楚，解决办法也很明确（下次别刷手机就行了）。所以， 你不用再沉浸在那个难受的感觉里了，起来继续战斗吧！” 所以，这个‘分析者’不是来帮忙感受的，而是来终止感受的。 它当然不愿意去一个“等候室”。 这一刻，作为一个职业早期主要使用认知行为治疗（关于其局限性，请阅读我的另一篇 文章 ）  的咨询师，我一下也被挡在了门外，不知所措，我引导她从意念练习中出来。 咨询结束后，我又继续学习、看有哪些方式方法可以化解这种内心冲突的对话。 Trust: The Key to the Waiting Room When working with the Exile, the appearance of a protector—the Manager or the Firefighter—as much as it feels like an interruption; it is the work itself. We cannot work around a protector; we must first turn toward it with understanding. Only then can it begin to relax. This starts by shifting our focus  from the content to the part itself . We move attention away from “was scrolling right or wrong” to the  part that is delivering the criticism. Next, we  give it form . Through imagery, we help the part become “visible,” transforming it from an abstract voice into an inner figure we can dialogue with. Throughout this process, we employ deep  empathy and gratitude , acknowledging its efforts and its existence, to build trust rather than confrontation. Ultimately, we aim to discover the  protective intent —to move past the surface criticism and directly address the core  fear and protective motive . This is the key to working with a Manager. Had I been more skillful in that moment, our conversation might have unfolded as follows.  (The following dialogue is crafted to illustrate the application of IFS.) Me:  “Let’s keep our eyes closed. I hear another voice saying the failure was because of ‘scrolling.’ We can see that description as a detailed report. Could we set the report down for a moment and instead turn toward the one writing it—the ‘Analyst’? Would you be willing to get to know it?” Xuan:  (likely nods) Me:  “In your mind’s eye, can you see this part, the Analyst? Where is it? What does it look like? Is it young or old? What is it wearing?” Xuan:  “It looks like someone in a suit and glasses, always checking a watch. Very serious, in a hurry.” Me:  “A serious ‘Analyst’ in a suit, pressed for time. Now, inwardly and with respect, could you tell it:  ‘I see you. I see how hard you’re working.’  Then just notice—what happens when you say that? Any small shift?” Xuan:  “…It is taken by surprise and paused for a second, but its face is still stern. It says, ‘I have to work hard. Otherwise, things will get worse.’” (Here, the Manager’s fear surfaces.) Me:  (gently) “‘Otherwise, things will get worse.’ That matters. Could we ask it, with care:  ‘What are you most afraid will happen? What is the ‘worse’ you’re trying to prevent?’” Xuan:  (possibly emotional) “…Chaos. Losing control. Becoming nothing…” We would pause here, allowing space. Me:  (reframing) “It sounds like this ‘Analyst’ is really a  Guardian . Its strictness comes from a deep fear that chaos will harm you. Its rules aren’t about blame—they’re about  safety . How is that part feels right now?” Xuan:  (with relief or sadness) “Yes. It seems… exhausted.” Me:  (inviting) “What if we told this tired Guardian:  ‘We are safe here. I am with you. Could you, just for a few minutes, let us hold this watch? You could step into the next room and rest—there’s a couch for you. This isn’t goodbye. It’s a short break. We will update you on everything when you return.’  Do you think it might consider that?” This is not a command. It is a  collaborative invitation . Through practice, I’ve learned this invitation rests on three pillars: Gratitude  — Recognizing that every protector’s harshness comes from a fierce loyalty to a wounded inner child. Reassurance  — We promise its return and our full attention. Respect  — We offer a choice, not an order. Only then might a protective part feel safe enough to step back. Finally, the Manager agreed to enter the waiting room. I still remember the first time this happened with Xuan. In my notes, I underlined the moment. It was the moment she could  unblend —creating just enough space for her  Self  to appear, like light through clouds, and begin, softly, to restore order. 信任：“管理员”去“等候室”的前提 在跟流放者者工作时，管理者（也可能是消防员，他们俩都是保护者）的出现并且进行干扰是一个常见现象。我们不能绕过保护者去工作，而要先去对其进行认识，保护者才可能放松下来。首先，让我们接触流放者先 从内容转向部分本身 ：将焦点从“刷手机的对错”转移到执行批判的那个“部分”；然后， 外化与具象化 ：通过意象让部分“可视化”，使其从抽象声音变为可对话的“内在人物”。这个过程，我们需要使用大量的 共情与感恩 ：认可它的努力和存在，建立信任而非对抗的关系。最终，我们会通常 探索到保护意图 ：绕过表面的批评，直指核心的 恐惧与保护动机 （这是与管理者工作的关键）。 如果我当时可以游刃有余的应对，那么接下来我们也许会有这样一个对话。（以下对话，为展现IFS的应用而编撰。） 我：“请保持眼睛的闭合。 我听到另一个部分在跟我们对话，它说失败是因为刷手机’。它好像一本非常严谨的‘事件调查报告’。我有点好奇，我们能不能暂时先不处理这份‘报告’。我们现在转过身，给这个正在写报告的 ‘ 分析师 ’一些关注力，我们尝试去认识下它好吗？”  璇璇：  （可能点头或轻声回应） 我：“  好。现在，在想象中，你能不能‘看到’这个正在说话的部分？它也许就在你心里的某个位置。它长什么样子？是年轻的还是年长的？它穿着什么样的衣服？它的表情和姿态是怎样的？” 璇璇：  “嗯，它像个穿西装、戴眼镜的人，一直在看表，很严肃，有点着急。” 我：  “嗯，一个穿西装、看手表、严肃又着急的‘分析师’。现在，我想邀请你，用你内心的声音，非常尊重地对它说：‘我看到了你。我看到你正在非常努力地工作。’然后留意一下，当我们这样认可它时，它有什么反应？哪怕是非常细微的表情或动作。” 璇璇： “……它好像……愣了一秒，但还是板着脸。它说‘当然要努力，不然情况会更糟。’” （这是关键转折点。管理者的深层恐惧可能在此浮现） 我：  （抓住核心，探索意图）“‘不然情况会更糟’——这句话太重要了。我们可以轻轻地、带着尊重地问问它吗：‘你在努力防止的，到底是什么？你最担心的‘更糟的情况’，具体是什么？’” 璇璇（回答1）：  （可能沉默，或情绪波动）“……是混乱。是彻底失控。是一事无成…… 在这里，会停一些时间，直到来访的情绪有所缓解后，才进行下面的认知调整。 我：  （连接与赋义）“我听起来，这位‘分析师’先生，其实是一位极力保护你 的‘安全主管’ 。它之所以严厉，不是因为冷酷，而是因为它 极度害怕‘ 混乱 ’ 和‘失控’会伤害到你。它所有关于‘刷手机’的分析和规则，根本目的都不是为了批评你，而是为了 建立秩序，防止它最害怕的灾难发生 。我们这样理解它，感觉对吗？” 璇璇：  （可能感到释然或悲伤）“……对。它好像……一直很累。” 我：  （提出邀请）“如果我们告诉这位疲惫的‘安全主管’： ‘我们现在在一个非常安全的环境里。我（的咨询师）会在这里一起守护。也许，你可以暂时把这个“防止灾难”的重任交给我们一会儿，只是几分钟，去隔壁房间休息一下？那里有一张为你准备的舒服的沙发。我们不是要解雇你，只是邀请你短暂地休个假。等你回来，我们会把你担心的一切都告诉你。’ —— 你觉得，这样真诚地邀请它，它会愿意考虑暂时离开一下吗？” 这不仅仅是一个简单的“暂停”指令，而是一个充满尊重与合作的邀请。 在我不断的实践中领悟到，邀请部分进入等候室时，我们的态度需要遵循几个核心原则，也是我们人际沟通中有效沟通的元素。 首先是 感恩  —— 看到每一个保护者（无论是严厉的管理者还是冲动的消防员），其根本目的都是竭尽全力保护那个“内在小孩”，不让它再次暴露于过去的伤痛，我们承认它存在的意义与付出的辛劳； 其次是 承诺与保证 —— 我们会明确表示，这只是一次暂时的休息，它将被郑重地邀请回来，而我们也必将全神贯注地倾听它需要诉说的一切。 还有 尊重  —— 我们是发出诚挚的邀请，而非下达粗暴的驱逐令。 当保护的部分感受到这样的感恩、保证与尊重时，它才会感到安全，也才更愿意尝试信任这个安排，暂时退后一步。 终于，“管理员”同意去到了“等候室。” 记得在我跟璇璇真实的咨询过程中，管理员第一次走进“等候室”是一个值得纪念的时刻，我咨询笔记上重重的做一个下划线。这一刻，我看到的是，璇璇能够暂时将那些混乱或苛责的部分分离开来，为内在腾出空间——她的“真我”便如同云层后的阳光，得以浮现，开始温和地重建她内心的秩序。 The "Waiting Room": A Sanctuary for the Protectors to Rest Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, originally trained as a family systems therapist. In one of his many explanatory videos on Youtube, he illustrates a key concept: when family therapy sessions become too heated, asking one member to briefly step into another room can diffuse tension and allow clearer communication within the family unit. He ingeniously applied this insight to the individual psyche—conceptualizing a person's internal system as a family, where each part is a member. Thus, when a client's emotional tolerance nears its limit or their internal dialogue becomes chaotic, the therapist can invite the client to gently ask a dominant or intrusive part to step aside into an imagined  "waiting room"  for a temporary respite. Establishing a genuinely effective waiting room is a profoundly creative process. It is a part of my work I particularly cherish for its playfulness, as it invites clients to draw upon their personal imagination. In collaboration with diverse individuals, I have witnessed a stunning variety of these inner sanctuaries, each a poignant reflection of the safety and comfort their psyche most craves. One client envisioned a sun-drenched beach hut with a cool coconut drink at hand; another, a living room filled with the warm crackle of vinyl records, accompanied by pancakes and a deeply inviting sofa; yet another, a silent library lit by candles, its walls lined with books. Xuan’s waiting room was simpler—devoid of vibrant colors or elaborate decor—yet it was quiet and comforting. For her, the process of closing her eyes to connect with her inner world was unfamiliar and often led to internal disarray. Over months of sessions, I would guide her with phrases like,  "I sense the Manager has many concerns right now; it's on high alert. You can tell it we have a waiting room. We will address every single one of its worries later, because it has been incredibly diligent in its duty to care for you. For now, we'd like to spend a little more time with the inner child. Would it be willing to go to the waiting room? If it's uneasy, we can leave the door open. It can still hear our conversation and see everything that happens. We simply hope it can step aside and allow a few minutes of quiet." Gradually, the tenor of Xuan's internal dialogue began to soften. It evolved from the Manager's initial, absolute insistence that  "it must stay here,"  to a reluctant, temporary withdrawal, and eventually to the Manager being able to remain in the waiting room for longer periods. Trauma work is not accomplished in a single session. It is more akin to tending a physical wound: it requires consistent, gentle attention—cleansing, disinfecting, and bandaging—over time. Whether this process spans weeks or years in once-weekly therapy depends on the depth of the trauma; the psyche, like the body, heals at its own pace, a rhythm we must respect. For someone with an impatient disposition, the IFS process can feel painstakingly slow. Yet, its greatest strength lies precisely in this  gentleness and non-coercion , which is why it is uniquely suited for the delicate, profound work of trauma recovery. “等候室”：保护者可以休息的度假胜地 创始人理查德·史沃茨博士（Dr. Richard Schwartz）最初是一位家庭系统治疗师。油管上有很多他介绍IFS的视频，在其中一个视频中，他讲到，当一个家庭会议的场面过于激烈时，如果请某位家庭成员暂时离开房间，到另一个空间去等待一下，整个家庭的紧张感就能得到缓解，对话也可以更清晰地进行。于是，将这个智慧也用在了个体的内心工作上——把一个人的内在系统看成一个家庭，每个部分都是这个家庭的成员。当来访者的情绪耐受快到极限，或者内在谈话开始变得混乱时，咨询师可以邀请来访者，将此刻正在强势主导或干扰的某个部分，暂时请到另一个“房间”里休息一下。我把这个想象出来的空间，称为 “等候室” （the waiting room）。 建立一个真正有效的“等候室”，其实是一个充满创造性的过程。我在咨询中遇见许多来访者带来的乐趣与个人特色。这正是我格外喜爱的工作环节。在与不同来访者的合作中，我见证了各式各样、极富生命色彩的等候室它们往往是内心最需要的那种安全与舒适的写照：有的是一间阳光充沛的海边小屋，手边有冰凉的椰汁；有的是一间飘着黑胶唱片旋律的客厅，配着松饼和一张可以深陷进去的大沙发；有的则是一间点着蜡烛、有一整面墙书籍的静谧书房…… 璇璇的“等候室”比较简朴，没有丰富的色彩、也没有创意的装饰，但这里是安静舒适的。在咨询中，璇璇闭着眼睛去感受自己的内心是一个她不熟悉的过程，场面经常变得有些混乱。横跨数月的咨询中，引导到类似的一句话： “我感受到了现在管理员很有顾虑，它在辩护，你可以告诉它，我们有一个等候室，它所有的顾虑和心思我们稍后都会跟它聊，因为它非常尽职尽责的照顾着你，现在，我们想跟内在的这个小孩子多待一会儿，它愿意去到那个等候室吗？如果它不放心，我们可以开着门，它也可以听见我们的讲话，看见发生的一切。我们只希望它能过去，保持几分钟的安静。” 璇璇内心的对话有了初步的平缓。从最开始的“它（管理员）必须留在这里”，到极不愿意但可以暂时离开，再到管理者可以更长时间的在等候室里待着。创伤的工作，不是一次“管理员”的离开，跟“流放者”的一次对话我们就可以做完的。就像我们清理伤口，在一段时间里，每天都要清理、消毒、包扎一样。一周一次的咨询，根据来访创伤程度不同，可能几周，可能几年。身心疗愈都有自己的节奏，我们需要尊重这个节奏。IFS的咨询过程对一个急性子的人来讲，感受是非常缓慢的——它最大的优势也正在于这份温和与不强迫，这也是为什么IFS尤其适合创伤疗愈工作。 In the next chapter, we will enter the next phase of Xuan's therapy: as the inner clamor begins to quiet, the real work of reconstruction—mending the connections between parts, and between the parts and the Self—can truly begin. What kind of dialogue will this require? And what challenges might we encounter along the way? Stay tuned. 下一章，我们将进入璇璇咨询的下一个阶段：当内在的喧嚣得以暂歇，真正的重建工作——修复部分与部分之间、部分与真我之间的连接——才真正开始。这需要怎样的对话？又会遇见怎样的挑战？敬请期待。

文章由作者 秦小杰 （心理咨询师，心理治疗师）用中文写作，后经deepseek翻译成英文，秉持： 写作初心和来访咨询故事写作原则 . This article was originally written in Chinese by  Qin Xiaojie  (Counselor and Psychotherapist), and later translated into English with DeepSeek, adhering to the author’s  original intent and principles of writing about client stories . Author:  Xiaojie Qin  | Psychotherapist Time: Dec 2025 My therapy with Xuanxuan, a client whose experience is defined by  polarized states (Chapter 1) , began with the crucial work of emotional stabilization. We made meaningful progress, reshaping unhelpful thoughts through top-down approaches like  CBT  and ACT. Yet, we eventually reached a plateau—a familiar but frustrating stage of  "I know, but I can't" (Chapter 2) . During this time, I too navigated my own feelings of professional uncertainty and frustration. Preparing for our sessions became an exercise in grounding myself in my own  Self (Chapter 3) ,  a foundational concept in IFS. This shift in my own stance allowed me to pivot our work. We moved from top-down analysis to bottom-up exploration through IFS parts work. This led to a pivotal understanding: her recovery had stalled because of a profound, protective rift— an  estranged alliance (Chapter 4)  between two of her most powerful parts. Now, let's step into the therapy room. The following dialogue brings that theoretical understanding to life, showing how these estranged allies manifested in the raw, real-time ‘mania’ and ‘depression’ of our session. 作者： 秦小杰 时间：2025年12月 我与璇璇（ 一位内在状态双相分化的来访者，见第一章 ）的心理咨询工作，始于情绪稳定化这一关键阶段。我们通过如 认知行为治疗(CBT) 、接纳承诺疗法（ACT）等“自上而下”的认知行为疗法，重塑了诸多非适应性思维，取得了切实的进展。 然而，我们最终仍抵达了一个瓶颈——那个熟悉却令人挫败的  “我知道，但我做不到” 阶段（ 第二章 ） 。在那段时期，我也在应对自己身为咨询师的困惑与无力感。准备与她的会谈，成了我练习回到自己内在 真我（Self，IFS核心理念，见第三章）   的功课。 正是我自身状态的这一转变，让我得以调整我们的工作方向。我们从“自上而下”的分析，转向了通过IFS部分心理学进行的“自下而上”的探索。这引出了一个关键性的理解：她的康复之所以停滞，是因为两个最强大的部分之间，存在一种深刻且具有保护性的裂痕——一种 “疏离的联盟” （见第四章） 。 现在，让我们一同走进咨询室。接下来的这段真实对话，将把这一理论理解生动地呈现出来，展示这对“疏离的盟友”如何在咨询的实时进程中，外显为那些未经掩饰的“ 躁狂 ”与 “ 抑郁 ”状态。 The Inner Dynamics of Xuanxuan's Parts At this point, we have clearly identified the inner parts within Xuanxuan: The Exile : The wounded, hidden little girl from her early years. The Manager : A tyrant who protects the system through rules and control. The Firefighter : An impulsive, fiercely protective brute who uses extreme methods (violence, depression, etc.) to numb the pain. They share the same ultimate goal:  to protect the 'exiled' little girl at all costs. However, they hold  diametrically opposed beliefs about the best way to protect her, and become "estranged allies".  The Manager views the Firefighter as a dangerous " saboteur" , while the Firefighter sees the Manager as a heartless " tyrant" . This fundamental distrust causes their methods to clash and counteract each other, pulling Xuanxan's internal system between the two poles of  "extreme control"  and  "catastrophic collapse,"  leaving her utterly exhausted. 璇璇内在部分的博弈 至此，我们已经清晰识别出旋旋的内在部分： 「 流放者 」部分：那个早年受伤、被隐藏的小女孩 「 管理者 」部分：通过规则和控制保护系统一个暴君 「 消防员 」部分：冲动又护犊的暴徒，用极端方式（暴力、抑郁等）止痛 它们怀有同一个最终目的：不惜一切保护那个流放者“小女孩”。然而，它们对‘如何最好地保护’有着截然不同的信念。管理者视消防员为危险的‘破坏分子’，消防员则视管理者为无情的‘暴君’。这种根本上的不信任，导致它们的方法互相冲突、互相掣肘，将璇璇的内在系统拉向‘过度控制’与‘失控崩溃’的两极，令她精疲力竭。 Having a Dialogue with Her Parts Xuanxuan's counseling, during periods of relative emotional stability, entered a phase of working directly with trauma. During this stage, I primarily employed  experiential techniques , aiming to temporarily bypass her habitual logical thinking—a neuroscientific approach often termed  "bottom-up"  processing. The following excerpt is from one session where visualization was used while unpacking an event from her past week, as it quite vividly illustrates the dynamic interplay occurring within her internal system: Xuanxuan had fallen into severe guilt after forgetting to pack her child's luggage, leading to the following exchange. "I retreated to my room, lay in bed, and felt awful," Xuanxuan said. "Close your eyes and feel what thoughts are present in your mind," I asked. "You're an incompetent mother," she replied. This voice of guilt and blame was her  Manager  part in action. It maintains control, a “mania” stage, through harsh self-criticism, fueling an exhausting cycle of  perfectionism and relentless drive —all in a desperate attempt to prevent the deeper, paralyzing anxiety that her perceived “failure” might trigger. "If this voice were in this room, where would it come from?" I asked, attempting to visualize her experience for better understanding. "In that wall," she said slowly, looking at one wall of the therapy room. "What does it look like?" I asked, deepening the imagery. "It looks fierce, hiding right there in the wall," she answered. "Keep your eyes closed. What would you like to say to this part?" She paused for a long time. Her breathing grew rapid, her expression pained. She couldn't utter a word. Her body leaned away from the wall, as if facing that fierce part directly was too uncomfortable. "That's okay. Shall we try, in your imagination, to slowly turn and face this part?" "I don't dare," she responded immediately. Her body grew stiffer, her head lowered, and she unconsciously rubbed her fingers to soothe her distress. Where did this fierce voice truly come from? In the early stages of our work, I would have tried to answer this question from an IFS perspective, potentially falling into a classic pitfall. I will address this practical challenge of IFS in a later chapter. Noticing she was nearing the edge of her emotional tolerance window; I immediately guided her back to her breath. Yet, within less than a minute, while her body relaxed, it began tilting uncontrollably backward. "I'm going to fall asleep," she murmured, her voice suddenly wrapped in a thick blanket of drowsiness. When working with clients who have experienced severe trauma, it's crucial to constantly monitor their state of consciousness. Xuanxuan's state was not physical fatigue. Our visualization work had triggered an emotion too intense to bear—when the psyche is overwhelmed, the parasympathetic nervous system can over-activate. It's like triggering an extreme self-preservation program, plunging the whole person into a "freeze" or "shutdown" state. This is a shared human survival instinct, solely to avoid unbearable pain. Xuanxuan is a girl who grew up with domestic violence. Making it this far speaks to her incredible resilience, yet her heart also holds mountains of unhealed wounding. In this moment, as her pain was rekindled, the  Firefighter  part—responsible for "emergency response"—took over. The dissociative "I'm falling asleep" reaction in the session was the  Firefighter  in action. In her daily life, this same "protection" manifests as the  depressive, hypo-aroused  state of being unable to get out of bed, work, or care for herself—a world shrouded in exhaustion and numbness. "Stay awake. Feel the strength in your back. Sit up straight. Stay awake," I followed immediately with guidance, my voice steady and firm. I needed to help her return within the window of emotional tolerance, as she had just been triggered and was almost slipping into dissociative sleep. Only then could our exploration continue. In those brief ten minutes, I witnessed a classic cycle of her internal system: the seemingly powerful  Manager  itself lives in fear, and its harshness is a defense against a deeper collapse. When this defense itself is pushed to the limit, the  Firefighter  ends the crisis by shutting down the system entirely. Exactly aligned with her  state of  polarizing life  in the last couple of years. This reveals a deeper truth:  both the Manager and the Firefighter are, at their core, protectors.  They just use their own methods to jointly guard the wounded  Exile  hidden deepest within. 咨询中，我们和“部分”的对话 璇璇的咨询，在其情绪状态相对平稳的阶段，在璇璇的情绪调节能力能到提升后，我们开始针对创伤部分进行探索。在这一时期，我主要采用 体验式的工作手法 ，旨在暂时绕开其惯常的逻辑思维模式，从神经学角度而言，这是一种“ 自下而上 ”的干预路径。 下文截取了一次意象对话中的片段，这段互动较为生动地展现了其内在各部分的动态博弈：她因忘记给孩子打包行李而陷入严重内疚，我们进行了以下的对话。 “我躲回屋子里，躺在床上，一直很难受。”璇璇说。 “闭上眼睛，去感受一下自己思绪里有什么样的想法？”我问到。 “你是一个不称职的妈妈。”她说。 这个内疚与责备的声音，正是她内在 “ 管理者 ” 部分在运作。它通过严厉的自我批判来维持控制，外显为璇璇的 完美主义 与那种“ 躁狂 ”状态的“ 必须为家庭不断付出、不能停歇 ”的强迫性忙碌——这一切，都旨在防止她因想象中的“失职”而触发更深、更无法承受的焦虑。 “这个声音，如果在这个房间，它从哪里来？”我尝试将她的经历意象化，便于我们更好的理解。 “在那个墙里面”。她看着咨询室的一面墙缓缓说道。 “它长的什么样？”我进一步深化意向画面。 “长的很凶，就藏在这个墙里。”她回答到。 “保持眼睛闭合，你想对这个部分说什么？” 她停留很久，呼吸变得急促，表情痛苦，没能说出一个字，她的身体和这面墙有一个倾斜，仿佛正对着那个凶狠的部分会让她感受不适。 “没关系，那我们尝试在想象中，你慢慢的正面去对着这个部分好吗？” “我不敢。”她立即回应。她的身体更加僵硬，头低着，无意识的捏搓着手指以缓解她的痛苦。 这个凶狠的声音到底来自哪个部分，我在咨询前期，会尝试从IFS的角度去解答这个问题，而也就陷入了一个经典误区。下之后的章节中，我会放到IFS在实操中的难点中去阐述。 我察觉到她即将超出 情绪承受的窗口 ，便立刻引导她回到呼吸上。然而，不到一分钟，她的身体虽然放松下来，却开始不受控制地向后倾斜。 “我要睡着了。”她的声音忽然被一股强烈的困意包裹。 在与经历过深度创伤的来访者工作时，时刻关注他们的意识状态至关重要。璇璇此刻的状态，并非生理上的疲惫，而是我们刚刚的意象工作触发了过于强烈的情绪——当心理无法承受时， 副交感神经系统 会过度激活，如同启动一个极端的自我保护程序，将整个人带入“冻结”“”或“关机”状态。这是人类共有的生存本能，只为避开那些难以承受的痛苦。 璇璇是在家暴中长大的女孩。能走到今天，她已足够坚韧，但内心深处也积压了太多未愈的伤痛。此刻，当她的痛苦再次被点燃，那个负责“紧急灭火”的消防员部分便接管了一切。咨询室里“我快睡着了”的 解离反应 ，正是 “消防员” 在行动——而在她日常生活中，这份“保护”同样会显现为卧床不起、无法工作或照顾自己的“低唤醒”的 抑郁状态 ，那是被疲惫与麻木笼罩的另一个世界。 “保持觉知，用力坐直，保持清醒。”我立刻跟上指导语，声音平稳而坚定。我需 要帮助她回到情绪所能承受的窗口之内 ，因为她刚刚被触发，几乎要陷入 解离的睡眠 。只有这样，接下来的探索才有可能。 在这短短的十分钟里，我亲眼见证了她内在系统的一次典型循环： 看似强大的“管理者”其实也活在恐惧之中，而它的严厉是为了防御更深层的崩溃。当这个防御过度时，“消防员”便用彻底关闭系统的方式结束这场危机。 璇璇‘双相’的生活状态 ， 揭示了一个更深层的真相：无论是管理者还是消防员，它们本质上都是保护者，只是用各自的方式，共同守护着那个藏在最深处、受伤的“流放者”。 As I sat with her, I felt a deep sense of empathetic recognition. Beneath her competent exterior, I could now perceive the system at work: the overburdened Manager enforcing control through guilt, and the reactive Firefighter defending a core of childhood pain. Moving beyond merely hearing about her life, I was beginning to feel  the architecture of her inner conflict. Previous interventions had faltered because I was operating from a "problem-solving" framework. When I shifted to a stance of nonjudgmental witnessing—observing her process without an agenda—something changed. I connected with her experience on a different level. That connection allowed my own reactive feelings ( countertransference ) to settle, which proved to be a pivotal turning point in our alliance. 坐在她对面，我心中涌起深深的心疼。在她坚强的外表下，是一个用“内疚”和“控制”拼命保护所有部分的管理者，和一个不顾一切保护受伤小女孩的消防员。这种亲身体验与仅仅听她讲述生活困境截然不同。当数次干预失败后，我放下CBT的“解决问题”模式， 以“观察”而非“干预”的态度贴近她的体验时 ，我终于真正用我的心灵“看见”了她。那一刻，我的 反移情 再次化解，这对我们的咨询至关重要。 Where did we go from there? In the following chapter, I'll walk through the next phase of our work: committing to a  "bottom-up" approach to slowly mend the connections between Xuanxuan's inner parts. 下一章，我将继续呈现我们的工作进程：如何通过持续的“自下而上”的体验式对话，重建璇璇内在系统各部分之间的关系。文中会附上一段真实的咨询对话实录，具体展现这一过程是如何在语言、情绪与觉察中展开的，并最终导向她内心世界的初步整合。

文章由作者 秦小杰 （心理咨询师，心理治疗师）用中文写作，后经deepseek翻译成英文，秉持： 写作初心和来访咨询故事写作原则 . This article was originally written in Chinese by  Qin Xiaojie  (Counselor and Psychotherapist), and later translated into English with DeepSeek, adhering to the author’s  original intent and principles of writing about client stories . 作者： 秦小杰 Author: Xiaojie Qin  时间：2025年12月 Time: Dec 2025  The Exhausted Manager: The Tyrant "I have so many responsibilities. I can't stop. Doing well is simply what's expected, and failing deserves criticism." Xuanxuan sat across from me and offered this answer when I asked why she couldn't rest, even in exhaustion. Within Xuanxuan's mind lives a part that functions like a relentless inner driver, perpetually pushing her forward without allowing a moment's breath. It is a stern, demanding presence—a ceaseless supervisor. In the language of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, it is called a  Manager . For Xuanxuan, this Manager is exceptionally powerful, operating as an almost unchallengeable inner director that controls nearly every aspect of her life. As someone living with bipolar disorder, Xuanxuan's Manager embodies the  highly functional, driven pole of her emotional experience—the side that keeps her moving even amidst inner storms (a theme explored in Chapter 1: Xuanxuan's Polarized Life ). She longs to pause, but the Manager won't allow it—a painful tension we will come to understand in Chapter 2: Xuanxuan - But I Can’t . After several well-intentioned interventions fell short, I realized I needed to shift my approach. As her therapist, I stepped back from trying to "fix" and instead returned to my own core  Self —the calm, curious, compassionate center we all possess. It was from this place that I could begin to truly witness and understand Xuanxuan's inner landscape (the focus of Chapter 3: Meeting Xuanxuan's Self ). 疲惫的管理者：暴君 “我有很多责任要履行，我不能停，做好是应该的，做不好是该受批评的”——璇璇坐在我的对面，当我好奇她为什么疲惫也不能停下来时，她这样说到。 在璇璇的内心，有一个部分一直推着她跑，不让她喘息，这个部分非常严厉、苛刻，起到时时刻刻监督管理的角色。这就是内在家系统治疗（简称IFS）理论中的“管理者”。旋旋的 管理者 非常强大，几乎是一个不容置疑的‘ 暴君 ’，时时不停的管控一切。对于一个有双相情感障碍的来访璇璇来讲，这就是 她双相风暴中高功能（来访璇璇的第一章） 的一面， 她想停，但停不下来（来访璇璇的第二章） 。 作为她的咨询师，多次干预受挫后，我回归到我的 “真我”去了解璇璇（来访璇璇的第三章） 的内在体验。 The "Tyrant" Was Trying to Prevent a Disaster But why does this "Tyrant" part hold such absolute power? IFS provides a framework for understanding, and in our sessions, the profound answer unfolded through our exploration. Xuanxuan loves her children with all her heart. She cares for them tirelessly, yet the smallest parenting lapse can plunge her into a vortex of crushing self-blame. During our 21st session, I proposed what seemed a straightforward goal: to soften the intense shame that followed these minor mistakes. To my surprise, the typically cooperative Xuanxuan hesitated. A shadow of doubt crossed her face—it was as if she wasn't sure she  wanted to feel less distressed. I was stunned. We had hit an unexpected wall. What followed was ten minutes of palpable inner struggle. Finally, her gaze fell to her lap. "I can't," she whispered. "What if... if I'm not hard on myself, if I let my guard down... what if I become violent like my father?" Her words pierced the room, instantly connecting to a confession from months prior. In our 11th session, she had shared a buried truth: years ago, in a rage she couldn't contain, she had struck her husband. There was another memory, even more difficult to voice—a moment of excessive punishment toward her child that’s too painful to recall. Behind her compassionate smile and relentless care for others lived what she called  "the Brute", a part that could erupt when her own unprocessed childhood trauma was ignited. In that moment of clarity, I understood. Xuanxuan's inner  Tyrant’s  harsh rule—the constant self-criticism and rigid control—was the only force it believed could keep the Brute at bay. To her entire being, on a gut-deep level, letting the Tyrant stand down felt like a direct threat to her family's safety. This wasn't a logical assessment, but a profound, trauma-forged conviction: that without its harsh control, ruin would follow. Her hesitation was the work. A part of her was terrified of what "getting better" might mean. On a subconscious level, her logic was tragically sound: to heal meant to lower her guard. To lower her guard meant the rigid rules would loosen. And if those rules loosened... what then? The entire architecture of control, built over a lifetime to keep a devastating chaos at bay, would be at risk. The fear wasn't of wellness, but of what wellness might unleash. It all crystallized into one core, haunting question:  "What if I become like my father?" ‘暴君’是想避免灾难 但为什么‘暴君’部分如此强势？IFS有一个理论的答案。而在我们的咨询中，通过探索自然浮现出来。 璇璇很爱自己的孩子，她在能力范围内，去照顾他们，但也会经常因为自己的一些微小的失误，过度自责，陷入高度自责和内疚感中无法自拔。当我们在第二十一次咨询中，我提议将我们的工作短期目标里，添加一个降低因育儿小失误而产生的过度情绪反应，一个再常见不过的目标了。一向合作的她异常犹豫，她似乎不确定自己想不想去改变目前情绪反应过度的状态。 我一下愣住了，没有想到我们会在这里“卡壳”。 接着十几分钟的探索，她内心经历着肉眼可见的矛盾。最后，她低着头说：“不行…如果我对自己不严厉，如果我放松了控制，我变得和父亲一样暴力怎么办？” 这句话瞬间连接起我们第十一次咨询时，她才透露的秘密：几年前，在一次与丈夫的激烈争吵中，她曾有过失控的肢体冲突，也有过一次对孩子的让她无法启齿的过度体罚。那个总是带着社交微笑、有着超强助人意愿的人，内心也住着一个会在创伤被激发时夺权执政的‘ 暴徒 ’。 璇璇内心的‘暴君’ ——那个不断进行自我批评、实施着严苛控制的部分——深信唯有它的铁腕统治，才能天下太平。对她整个生命存在而言，在一种近乎本能的深度感受中， 让‘暴君’退位，感觉上无异于直接威胁到她家人的安全。 这不是基于逻辑的判断，而是一种由创伤锻造出的、根深蒂固的信念：一旦失去这种严酷的控制，灾难必将降临。 她的犹豫，本身就是疗愈工作的一部分。 她内在的一部分，对于“变好”可能意味着什么，感到深深的恐惧。在潜意识层面，她的逻辑具有一种悲剧性的“正确性”：康复意味着放下戒备，放下戒备意味着那些僵硬的规则将会松动，而如果规则松动了……然后呢？ 所以，当我提出‘我们做些工作，来缓解你过度的内疚和自责’时，一种莫名的恐惧在她心中升起。这种恐惧在一个以强大为豪的来访身上，通常很难察觉，本人更是无法轻易言说。璇璇的对情绪反应调整的犹豫，指向一个更深的信念：她穷尽一生构建的、用以防范内心混乱的整个控制体系，正面临坍塌的风险。这个潜藏的恐惧，最终在她那句反复萦绕的自我拷问中，找到了它最精确也最痛楚的表达： ‘万一我变得像我父亲一样怎么办？’ The "Brute" Is Actually a Firefighter Let's get to know this "Brute." From the perspective of IFS, this seemingly destructive part is actually understood to be a loyal  Firefighter — when buried pain is about to breach its dam, it takes over the system at all costs. It engages in wildly extravagant shopping sprees or seemingly irrational physical conflicts, using these intense experiences to forcibly mask or suppress the pain. Its logic is simple and extreme: extinguish the fire immediately, no matter the cost. Even the numbness and detached dissociation of depressive episodes are a mode of operation for this Firefighter. When overstimulation becomes unbearable, it "pulls the plug," switching the system into a low-power, dormant state. Therefore, Xuanxuan's Firefighter always operates between two extremes: either the frantic firefighting of  hyper-arousal or the complete shutdown of hypo-arousal . This corresponds precisely to the loss of one's window of emotional tolerance — in the storm, Xuanxuan could no longer stay within a moderate level of arousal that allows oneself to function sustainably. ‘暴徒’实际是一个“消防员” 我们来认识下这个‘暴徒’吧。这个看似极具破坏性的部分，在IFS的视角下，却被理解为一个忠实的“ 消防员 ”——当深埋的痛苦即将冲破堤坝，它便会不顾一切地接管系统，可以大手笔完全不计后果的疯狂购物，似乎失去理智的肢体冲突等，用这些强烈体验来强行掩盖或抑制痛苦。它的逻辑简单而极端： 不惜任何代价，立刻把火扑灭 。即便是抑郁期那种麻木、隔绝的解离感，其实也是消防员的一种工作模式：当过度刺激无法承受，它便通过“拉闸断电”的方式，将系统切换到低耗能的休眠状态。 因此，璇璇消防员的行动模式总在两个极端间摆荡：要么是过度激醒(hyper-arousal)的奋力扑救，要么是低度激醒(hypo-arousal)的彻底封闭，这正对应着一个人情绪耐受窗的失守——在风暴中，璇璇已无法停留在 适度的唤醒水平内 。 Two Protectors, One Sacred Duty: Shielding the Exile. Although their methods may appear extreme, the harshness of the Tyrant and the explosiveness of the Brute are guided by a shared, desperate loyalty. Their mission is to shield the system's most vulnerable core: the  Exile . This is the wounded child who carries the earliest, deepest pain. She is the little girl who grew up in a home overshadowed by violence. She witnessed years of cruelty, absorbing the fear and helplessness that filled the air. Even with a small backpack on her shoulders, she herself became a target of her father's rage. Those experiences etched fundamental beliefs into her being:  I am not good enough and I am unworthy of love . Alongside these painful truths, her heart also holds vast, unprocessed mountains of anger—a silent storm waiting within. ‘暴君’、‘暴徒’终究保护‘流放者’ 虽然内在的“暴君”和“暴徒”有极端倾向，但他们行为背后，其实最终想要保护的，是那个最底层的部分“流放者”——童年遭受家暴的受伤小女孩，她目睹了多年母亲被肢体和语言暴力，她还是一个背着小书包的姑娘时，就被父亲暴力对待，内心刻下“我不够好”、“我不值得被爱”核心信念的部分，同时，她的内心也有堆积如山而未被处理的愤怒。 In the next chapter, 5 th  installment of Xuanxuan’s therapy story, I will use a real dialogue from our session to show how, in just over ten minutes, the interplay of Xuanxuan's three inner parts allowed her to vividly re-experience the emotional storm of her "bipolar" reality. 下一章，即璇璇咨询故事的第五章，我将通过一段咨询室内的真实对话，来呈现璇璇的三个内在部分是如何在短短十几分钟内交互作用，让她从切身体验中，再次活现出其“双相”的情感风暴。

At CandleX, we were first introduced to the complex reality of abusive relationships through the courageous stories shared in our !!!!!!!!!! Mental Health Peer Support Group . Over the years, our peer group meetings have been privileged to support a number of individuals who felt isolated, conflicted and ashamed on their own journey. In 2023,  Xiaojie , a Psychotherapist and the Director of CandleX, created a series of five psychoeducation videos after providing a few rounds of in person group therapy for survivors in Beijing, and she continues to provide individual therapy support. The goal is to offer knowledge and support for the challenging transition period after leaving an abusive relationship, because the journey toward healing requires sustained courage. In this article, we invite you to listen as Xiaojie introduces the topic of "The Aftermath of Leaving an Abusive Relationship," focusing on one of the key psychological experiences: the cognitions of survivors. A full transcription of her talk is provided below. Xiaojie 2023 Leaving an abusive relationship is a traumatic event that can have long-lasting psychological and physical effects on survivors. As a psychotherapist who works with survivors of abusive relationships, I have witnessed first-hand the devastating impact that these relationships can have on individuals and families. However, I have also observed the incredible resilience and strength of survivors who are able to rebuild their lives after leaving an abusive partner. If you are a survivor, I want you to know that recovery is more than possible, and you can still achieve your dreams just as some of my clients have. With the consent of my clients, I have written articles sharing our therapy process and its outcomes on this topic. You can find the link to my article here in the description. Through my work with clients, I have found that many survivors feel isolated and alone in their experiences. That’s why I decided to provide some insights into ‘the aftermath of leaving an abusive relationship’. In my therapy practice, I use a combination of approaches, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I will explore the symptoms of abusive relationships from a CBT framework, separating symptoms into the categories of thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and physiological reactions. If you, or someone you know, has experienced an abusive relationship, please forward this video series to them. Project A also provides substantial subsidies to those in China seeking therapy (Project A is inactive right now). In my next video, I will discuss the thought patterns commonly experienced by survivors. Xiaojie 2023 Thoughts | The Aftermath of Leaving an Abusive Relationship Welcome back to my channel. If you have experienced abuse in your relationship, you may be carrying traumatic symptoms across all four categories of the CBT framework: thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and physiological sensations. In this video, I will focus on how survivors of abusive relationships often struggle with their thoughts. Rumination One common symptom is rumination, which is the obsessive replaying of abusive experiences and analyzing what could have been done differently. This fixation on the past can be a sign of trauma and can leave you feeling stuck and drained. This pattern of thinking can even manifest in nightmares related to the abuse. While this is a natural response by our innate system to clear itself of trauma, it could operate on an isolated pattern or a frozen pattern, which leads to stagnation in your healing process. Therapy approaches like eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) can help manage PTSD symptoms and lead to healing. Doubting Your Own Judgments “I don’t know what to believe.” I heard it from my clients over and over again. This is a common symptom of doubting your own judgments or feelings ( what is emotional abuse? ). Abusers will often use two-stage tactics in relationships, the first of which is a period of wooing to establish trust and emotional dependency, and then they seem to change so dramatically and demonstrate abusive behaviors, leaving you feel confused. As a result, you may feel like they can no longer trust your own feelings or judgments after being manipulated or gaslit. This can lead to feelings of helplessness and a lack of agency. Rebuilding self-awareness through therapy can help alleviate these feelings of doubt. Being at War With Yourself You may also struggle with conflicted emotions about positive memories of the abuser. Even after ending the relationship, it is common for you to feel torn between positive memories experienced together and negative associations. This internal conflict can feel like being at war with yourself, and may even lead to invalidating your own positive feelings in order to justify leaving the relationship. This complex process requires social and professional support to help navigate and ultimately move forward. In my next video, I will move on to explore the another category of the CBT framework: emotions. To learn more about Recovery of Abusive Relationship, please read our compilation article on this topic:  Healing From Abuse | World Trauma Day 2025 . If you are recovering from an abusive relationship, you can also use our resources at CandleX below.

Updated on Dec 2025 Moving to a new country, going through a breakup, losing a job, or living with mental conditions can be very challenging. Yet, there’s no reason to suffer alone when one can choose to join hands with others and let the power of connection and group support encourage and heal us. In the absence of such social support in Beijing, CandleX established the peer support group in October, 2015, with the goal to provide psychosocial support to the Beijing community. It provides a safe and supportive environment for people to share personal thoughts and experiences in small, confidential gatherings. To understand this project, or if you’d like to read our 1 st , 2 nd  and 3 rd  year support group review, please visit our support group page . CandleX other available resources: If you are in a crisis, please seek a professional immediately at the same time. Your will find useful information on our  crisis page . If you’re more interested in how to navigate the mental health world and get more information on how to get support or get treatment for you or someone you know, please check out our  pretreatment guidance program. If you are looking for professional support, you can check out  Xiaojie Qin , our director and psychotherapist’s page. Peer Support Group Key Information Peer support group participants: our support group meetings are for people living with mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety or suicide ideation. The support group is especially effective for newcomers who find themselves in a situation of lacking social support, experiencing shame and guilt of having depression or people who present an elevated risk of mental illness. Date : Every second and fourth Tuesday of the month (in-person) Time : 19:30-21:00 Location : Near Dongzhimen Beijing (Details will be communicated via WeChat after 4 pm, the day before each meeting) Language : English Max Number : 7 people each session Fee : 88rmb, 30rmb for students, financial aid is available for those going through financial difficulties  For registration and enquiries, please reach and send a message to the support group coordinator (Email: parapraxis_01@yahoo.co.uk  WeChat: OU102024)  Peer Group Principles: We gather to share our stories and feelings, help and give each other emotional support when dealing with difficult emotions and to recognize the importance of tending to and promoting our own self-care. We use guided meditation and breathing exercises to create a  safe, peaceful and comfortable environment  for sharing. We shall not be held responsible for group member’s safety.  We all are peers. There are no professionals in this group. CandleX will not be responsible for people engaging in self-harm or suicidal ideations.  By signing up to the peer support group, I understand and agree to release CandleX and its staff or volunteers from any or all liability connected to my own participation, including, but not limited to any forms of self-harm or suicide. Confidentiality:  All information shared with the group is strictly confidential. Some information only related to the group dynamics and facilitation may be used for an internal debrief between facilitators and the Support Group manager to improve the quality of sessions and to empower others to set up support groups during facilitator’s training. No graphic description  of suicide, self-harm and death as it may trigger some of the attendees. Please note that this is a  Peer Support Group , there will be one facilitator throughout the session to monitor the progress of each session and facilitate group interactions; no professional therapists will be attending. We have a  WeChat group  (that you may join after attending at least one meeting) where you would be informed of Beijing community mental health events, as well as other information that might be helpful for your recovery. Community Contribution:  We conduct regular internal debriefing between facilitators and the Support Group manager to ensure continuous quality checking, learning and improvement. Additionally, we offer facilitator training programs to empower others to establish their own groups. During these training and debrief sessions, we handle information related to group dynamics and facilitation with sensitivity and care. If you have  any concerns or feedback  of the support group, we welcome you to let us know by emailing it to xiaojie.qin@candlex.cn. The concern would be handled sensitively directly by CandleX’s director. All information could be found on our website under ‘ Get Help ’.

To better understand Xuanxuan's story, please consider reading the previous two articles first. 此文是“来访璇璇咨询故事”的第三篇，为“内在家庭系统治疗（IFS）文章系列-秦小杰著”的第五篇。请阅读璇璇咨询故事的前两篇，文章为中英文 Xuanxuan's Polarized Life | Internal Family Systems Therapy (3) 来访璇璇：高功能外表下都双相风暴于咨询困局 Xuanxuan: "But I Can't" | Internal Family Systems Therapy (4) 来访璇璇：我都知道，但做不到 Author:  Xiaojie Qin  (Psychotherapist) Time: Oct 2025. Beijing “I Know, But I Can't."  This was the dead end Xuanxuan (the client) and I (the therapist) reached after exhausting "top-down" therapeutic approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)—methods that primarily rely on logic, cognition, and analysis to facilitate psychological intervention. As her therapist, I began to doubt how else I could support her. In moments of frustration, I reminded myself to return to the most fundamental tenets of my profession: deepening my case conceptualization, seeking supervision, continually adjusting my own approach, focusing on each faint sign of her progress, and stubbornly anchoring my belief in the possibility that "we will eventually break through this impasse." 作者： 秦小杰 （心理治疗师，心理咨询师） 时间：2025年10月北京 “我都明白，就是过不好这一生 ”  ——这是我和璇璇在将认知行为疗法（CBT）等“自上而下”（ 在心理学中常指通过逻辑、认知和分析来进行心理干预的方法 ）的咨询方法穷尽之后，共同走入的一个死胡同。 做为她的心理咨询师，我也开始怀疑自己还能如何帮助她。每当感受到挫败，我知道必须回到最基本的专业素养：深化个案概念化、督导，持续自我调适，专注于她每一点微弱的好转，并固执地将信念锚定在“我们终将突破瓶颈”的可能性上。 Xiaojie 2025 The Emergence of the "Self" in Meditation: Internal Family Systems Therapy (the Big S) Yoga and meditation are daily practices I rely on for self-regulation. Had it not been for that immersive one-month yoga and meditation retreat in Thailand back in 2014, the following year’s pivotal turning point—founding  CandleX —would not have happened. Since then, this routine has become deeply rooted in my life, a fundamental practice for grounding and self-awareness. I naturally bring this meditative practice into my preparation for therapy sessions. Whenever I feel tangled by a challenging case, I return to this inner stillness to regain clarity. Closing my eyes and anchoring my attention on my breath, I sometimes touch a spacious silence beyond the noise of thoughts—like an airplane ascending through heavy clouds: no matter how fierce the storm below, above the clouds there is always a clear, boundless sky. And within each of us, beneath the churning clouds of mental clutter, lies that same serene and steady stillness. The essence of the "Self" in IFS is just like this sky I encounter in meditation. As a therapist with ten years of meditation experience, I had already sensed a deep resonance with the heart of IFS before I formally encountered it. When I first learned about IFS, it felt like meeting an old friend I was always destined to know (see “ A Gentle Intro | Introduction to Internal Family Systems Therapy (1)  ”). IFS refers to it as "the Big S"—a concept that intersects with what other traditions and schools of thought have called "wise mind," "adult self," "true self," or "higher self." At this point, you may sense that IFS has certain connections to religion, philosophy, and spiritual practice. Xiaojie sharing her mindfulness experience at a conference in 2016 冥想中，家庭系统治疗（IFS）之「真我」的浮现 瑜伽（ Meeting Myself on the Mat | Xiaojie's story with Yoga ）与冥想，是我每日例行的自我调节方式。没有2014年在泰国那一个月沉浸式的瑜伽冥想之旅，就不会有第二年我人生中的重要转折——创立 CandleX 。自那时起，这个习惯便根植于我的生活，成为我静心与自我觉察的基础心灵保养。 冥想练习，我也自然地带入心理咨询准备工作中。每当内心被咨询中难解的结所困，我便回到这样的沉淀之中，重返内在的澄明。当我闭上眼睛，将注意力锚定于呼吸，有时能触及一种超越思绪纷扰的广阔宁静——如同飞机穿越厚重云层，无论下方是怎样的风雨雷电，云层之上，永远是一片清澈无垠的天空。而我们每个人的内心，无论有多么纷繁嘈杂的乌云，在其深处，都存在着那片安宁、恒定的晴空。 IFS中所说的「真我」（Self），其本质正如同冥想中我所体验到的这片天空。作为一名有十年冥想习练经验的咨询师，我在接触IFS之前，早已与它的核心精神产生共鸣。初次了解IFS时，我便有一种遇见命中注定的老朋友般的熟悉感（请见“ 温柔的前奏｜内在家庭系统治疗简介（1） ”）。IFS用“大写的S”（The Big S）来指称它，这与许多流派和灵性传统中所描述的“明智心”（wise mind）、“成熟自我”（adult self）、“真我”（true self）、“高我”（higher self）等概念相通。讲到这里，大家也许会感觉到，IFS这个流派和宗教、哲学以及灵性修炼有些粘连了。 五台山舍利塔 2025 The Broader Landscape of IFS: Between Science and Spirituality Those familiar with the history of psychology know that modern psychology branched off from philosophy about 150 years ago, attempting to study the human mind through scientific methods. Yet every school of psychology is built upon fundamental philosophical assumptions—such as the classic "nature versus nurture" debate—whose underlying premises are often difficult to fully validate through science alone. One such assumption is that of IFS: that every person possesses an innate and wise core, the "Self." From a neuroscience perspective, IFS represents a typical "bottom-up" approach to psychological intervention—meaning it works from bodily sensations, emotional experiences, and other foundational signals—standing in direct contrast to the "top-down" method of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which I routinely practice (for real-life illustrations of the limitations of CBT, see the second article in Xuanxuan's series:  Xuanxuan (2): I Know, But I Can't ). The development of IFS by its founder, Dr. Richard Schwartz, is itself a story of extending from scientific empiricism toward the reality of the human spirit. Trained rigorously in systemic family therapy, Dr. Schwartz initially operated from a purely scientific and empirical worldview. He was accustomed to understanding human struggles as results of systemic dysfunction and approached treatment by objectively observing and analyzing family interaction patterns, then designing interventions to alter those patterns. It wasn't until the 1980s, while working with patients suffering from eating disorders, that he reached an impasse. He kept hearing clients say things like, "A part of me makes me binge, and I hate that part." This resonated with his systemic training. He began to view the individual's inner world as an "internal family" and started engaging in dialogue with the "part that caused the bingeing." To his surprise, when he approached this seemingly destructive part with respect and curiosity, it began to reveal its protective role: the binge eating was an extreme strategy to shield the client from deeper pain—intense self-hatred or fear of abandonment. More crucially, he found that when he guided clients to connect with the vulnerable, wounded part being protected, the "bingeing part" would relax its grip, no longer needing to intervene so drastically. Throughout this process, Schwartz repeatedly witnessed that no matter how severe a person's trauma, there seemed to remain an untouched, core essence within them—characterized by calm, curiosity, and compassion. Healing naturally unfolded when approached from this place, known in IFS as the "Self." This discovery led him, once a staunch materialist, to embrace the spiritual dimension of human inner experience. IFS的宏大图景：在科学与灵性之间 了解心理学历史的人知道，现代心理学在约一百五十年前从哲学母体中分离，试图用科学方法研究人的内心。然而，每个心理学流派都始于一些基本的哲学假设（例如关于人类发展经典的“先天与后天之争”），这些底层假设往往难以用科学完全证实。IFS的假设——即人拥有一个天生的、充满智慧的「真我」核心——便是其中之一。而从脑神经学的角度，IFS就是一个典型的“由下自上”（指从身体感觉、情绪体验等底层信号入手进行干预）的心理干预方式，和我常规使用的“自上而下”的认知行为治疗刚好相反（关于认知行为的局限性在实操中的体现，请看来访璇璇咨询文章第二篇： 来访璇璇 (2)：我都知道，但做不到 ）。 IFS的创始人理查德·施瓦茨（Richard Schwartz）博士，创立IFS的这个过程，就是一个从科学实证走向心灵真实的故事。 作为一名受 系统式家庭治疗 严格训练的咨询师，理查德·施瓦茨最初的世界观是纯粹科学和实证的——习惯于将人的问题理解为系统功能失调的结果，治疗流程上，从外部观察、分析家庭互动模式，并设计干预措施来改变这些模式。 直到上世纪80年代，他在治疗进食障碍患者时陷入困境，反复听到来访者说出这样的话：“有一个部分让我暴食，而我恨那个部分。”这句话触动了他作为系统治疗师的敏感。他转而将来访者的内心也视为一个“ 内在家庭 ”，尝试与那个“导致暴食的部分”对话。令他惊讶的是，当他以 尊重 和 好奇 靠近那个看似破坏性的部分时，它竟开始表达自己背后的承担：原来，暴食只是一种极端的 保护策略 ，目的是帮助来访者逃避更深层的痛苦——比如强烈的自我憎恨或被抛弃的恐惧。 更关键的是，他发现当引导来访者去接触那个被它保护着的、脆弱受伤的内在部分时，那个“暴食的部分”便会自动放松下来，不再需要以激烈的方式介入。在这一过程中，施瓦茨一次次见证到，无论一个人的创伤有多深重，他们内在似乎始终存在一个核心的、未曾受伤的所在——它自然具备冷静、好奇与慈悲。只要从这个被称为「 真我 」的位置出发，疗愈便会自然展开。 这个发现，让他从纯粹的唯物主义者，衍生出拥抱人类内在的灵性维度。 This story resonates deeply within me. My own growth trajectory, like that of many others, began in a world predominantly constructed by rationality. During my student years, I excelled in mathematics and science. My rigorous logical thinking not only earned me an opportunity to pursue advanced studies in Belgium free of charge but also helped me obtain a Master's degree in Development Evaluation and Management with distinction. In my professional career, I started as a project coordinator and, through clear thinking and solid execution, gradually advanced to the position of "Monitoring and Evaluation Specialist" in a well-known reputable international organization. Xiaojie on IOB magazine Belgium 2011 However, this lifestyle heavily reliant on "top-down" thinking, though precise and efficient, gradually revealed its mechanical nature—life seemed reduced to a precise yet cold algorithm, where any intuitive impulses or crucial emotional cues in important decisions were selectively ignored. Precisely because of this, while strictly following the "optimal life path" I had designed, I repeatedly found myself sinking into depression, forced to hit the pause button on life. Mianyang Sichuan 2025 It wasn't until I began consistently practicing meditation and actively developing those neglected "innate qualities" that my life underwent a transformative change. I started to “surf life”—no longer struggling against the waves of life but learning to sense their power and dance with them. All of this has solidified my belief: the most  "advanced technique"  a therapist can employ is precisely the therapist's own  well-integrated and healed self.  Without the support of inner wisdom and genuine personal experience, any school's techniques are rootless. For me, IFS is not just a therapeutic model—it validates the personal growth I have undergone, both for myself and for my clients. This profound personal experience is equally reflected in my professional journey. My second Master's degree was in Counseling at Monash University in Australia. Beyond its reputation as a renowned counseling program, another reason for choosing it was its primary focus on "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy." In the early stages of my therapy career, CBT's simple and elegant framework was clear, structured, and aligned with my thinking habits. But soon, I reached its limits. It was this sense of limitation that propelled me to explore "bottom-up" approaches to psychotherapy, including Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), hypnotherapy, and Internal Family Systems (IFS). 这段故事，在我心中激起了深深的共鸣。 我个人的成长轨迹，和很多你我一样，同样始于一个由理性构筑为主体的世界。学生时代，我在数理学科中表现出色，严谨的逻辑思维不仅为我赢得了远赴比利时免费深造的机会，更让我以优异成绩获得了「发展评估与管理」高级硕士学位。职业生涯里，我从最初的项目协调员起步，凭借清晰的思维和扎实的执行，一步步走向国际组织中的“项目监测与评估专家”岗位。 然而，这种高度依赖“自上而下”思维的生活方式，虽精准高效，却也逐渐显露出它机械的一面——生命仿佛被简化为一套精密却冰冷的算法，任何直觉的涌动、重要选择上至关重要的情绪线索，都被我选择性忽视。也正因如此，当我严格遵循自己设计的“最优人生路径”前行时，却数次走入抑郁的困境，不得不按下生活的暂停键。 Xiaojie Beijing 2025 直到我开始坚持冥想，主动去发展那些被忽略的“天性”，我的生活发生了天翻地覆的变化。我找到了一种前所未有的“冲浪感”——不再是用力对抗生命的浪潮，而是学习感知它的力量，与之共舞。 这一切让我坚信：一个咨询师所能运用的最“ 高级技术 ”，恰恰是 经过深度整合与疗愈的咨询师自身的强大的“真我” 。没有内在的智慧与真实的体验作为支撑，任何流派的技术都只是无根之木。IFS于我，不仅是一个流派，它更验证了我一路走来的个人成长——无论是我的，还是我的来访者的。 这份深刻的个人体验，同样映照在我的专业道路上。我的第二个硕士学位，就读于澳大利亚莫纳西大学心理咨询专业，除了它是澳洲知名心理咨询硕士项目外，另一个原因是它主要教授的就是“认知行为治疗”，在咨询职业初期，CBT简单优美的框架非常清晰、有条理，符合我的思维习惯。但很快，我触及了它的天花板。正是这份局限感，推动我探索“自下而上”的心理治疗方式，包括 眼动脱敏与再加工治疗 （EMDR）、 催眠 ，以及我内在家庭系统治疗（IFS）等。 小杰柔术训练中：一种“自下而上”的自我修炼 The Treasure in IFS: The 8C Qualities of the “Self” How can we recognize the "Self"? Different cultures and faiths envision it through various forms—perhaps as Christ, as a Bodhisattva, or as Allah—embodying the  exact same qualities as the “Self” . In the context of IFS,it’s perceived as a  state of being . When a person is grounded in the "Self," they naturally embody eight core qualities, summarized as the "8Cs": Curiosity : A genuine, non-judgmental interest in every part of one's inner world. Calm : A profound inner peace that remains steady even amidst emotional storms. Clarity : The ability to perceive and understand complex internal states without being clouded by emotions. Compassion : Deep care and understanding for one's own suffering and that of others. Confidence : A sense of certainty that arises from within, independent of external validation. Courage : The willingness to face and touch upon inner wounds and fears. Creativity : The capacity to respond to life's challenges with flexibility and openness. Connectedness : The experience of deep connection with oneself, others, and the larger whole. These 8Cs are not virtues we must strive to build, but rather the natural radiance of life that flows through us when our internal system is led by the "Self." They are the inherent brilliance of the "Self," already whole and complete. IFS中的珍宝：真我的8C品质 如何辨认“真我”？不同的文化与信仰以不同的形象描绘它——或许是基督，是菩萨，是真主。而在IFS的语境中，我们不借助具体形象，而是通过一种存在的 状态 来感知它。当一个人处于“真我”之中时，会自然地呈现出八种核心品质，它们被概括为“8C” (2) ： Curiosity（好奇心） ：对自己内在的每一个部分都抱有真诚的、不评判的兴趣。 Calm（平静） ：一种深层的内在安宁，即使在情绪风暴中也能保持镇定。 Clarity（清晰） ：能够清晰地感知和理解内在的复杂状态，不被情绪所混淆。 Compassion（慈悲） ：对自身和他人的痛苦抱有深切的关怀与理解。 Confidence（信心） ：一种源于内在的、不依赖于外界评价的笃定感。 Courage（勇气） ：敢于直面并触碰内在的伤痛与恐惧。 Creativity（创造力） ：能够以灵活、开放的方式应对生活中的挑战。 Connectedness（连接感） ：体验到与自身、他人乃至更大整体的深刻联结。 这8C并非需要努力打造的美德，而是当我们的内在系统由“真我”领导时，自然流露出的生命状态。它们是“真我”本自具足的光辉。 内蒙古2024 Roll with the Forces: Moving Through Therapeutic Stagnation Thus, I began to integrate this practice into my work with Xuanxuan—not only during our sessions but also in my preparation for each meeting. There were days, I sat down on my mat, intentionally engaged in loving-kindness meditation, gently bringing her image to mind, visualizing her body gradually relaxing and her expression softening into peace. Through visualization exercises, I pictured her finding ease in both her work and parenting, her life improving tangibly. What began as a notably challenging practice evolved to a point where, upon closing my eyes, these positive images would arise naturally. 2024 Beijing These exercises and preparatory work allowed the countertransference I had previously experienced—the confusion, frustration, and unease—to gradually dissipate, replaced by a calm curiosity. For a therapist, this is one of the most precious gifts IFS offers: it gently yet powerfully helps us settle our own emotional turbulence. As I learned to see her "Self" in my mind's eye, I became better equipped to guide her in session to connect with that ever-present, whole essence within her. This shift from "fighting against parts" to "facing them with curiosity" lies at the very heart of IFS work— learning to unblend from the parts, pivoting from fighting them to being curious and compassionate about them. It is the shift from being the part to observing the part. 2024 Beijing Xuanxuan's emotional world was like a completely unbalanced seesaw, rarely finding stable middle ground. At the high extreme, she seemed driven by an invisible  tyrant (a Manager) , transforming into a perpetual motion machine that couldn't stop, forcing herself to juggle countless tasks simultaneously—this wasn't genuine vitality, but a relentless, driven anxiety. In the depths of depression, it was as if water had been thrown on that overheating machine  (a Firefighter) ; she would completely shut down, entering a forced state of hibernation, powerless to respond to any external stimuli. Two mutually exclusive and hostile parts within Xuanxuan had revealed themselves. In the next chapter, I will reconstruct segments from our sessions to help you understand these two key parts:  the Manager and the Firefighter. 以柔克刚：内关中突破咨询瓶颈 于是，我尝试将这样的修炼融入与璇璇的工作中——不只在咨询室内，也包括在每一次为她准备咨询时。除了思考方向，我会特意进行慈悲冥想（love and kindness meditation），将她的形象轻柔地带入心中，观想她的身体逐渐放松，面容趋于平和；我通过视觉化练习，想象她在工作与教育子女中都找到一份从容，生活得到切实改善。这个练习从最初非常困难，到后来只要闭上眼睛，那些积极的画面便能自然呈现。 这些练习与咨询准备，让我之前所体验到的困惑、烦躁与不安的反移情渐渐消散，取而代之的是一种平静的好奇。而对咨询师而言，这正是IFS最珍贵的馈赠之一——它以柔和而有力的方式，协助我们安顿自身的情绪波澜。当我能在心灵之眼中看见她的「真我」，我也就更能够在咨询中引导她去触碰那个始终存在的完整本质。 小杰北京亮马河2015年 这种从“对抗部分”转向“好奇面对部分”的转变，正是IFS工作的核心——学会与各个部分解离（unblend from the parts），从对“抗转”向“好奇”，这是从“作为那个部分”到“观察那个部分”的转变。 旋旋的情绪世界，像一架彻底失衡的跷跷板，几乎从未找到过稳定的中间地带。在 情绪高涨的极端 ，她仿佛被一个看不见的 暴君（管理者） 所驱使，化身为无法停止的 永动机 ，强迫自己同时处理无数事务——那不是真正的活力，而是一种被无形之力裹挟、无法停息的焦灼。而在 抑郁的深渊 中，那台快烧起来的永动机仿佛被浇了水（ 消防员） ，她彻底陷入宕机，进入一种 被迫的休眠 ，无力回应任何来自外界的刺激。 璇璇内心的两个互相排斥和敌对的部分显现出来。下一章我会还原我们咨询中的片段，带大家理解 管理者和消防员 这两个关键部分。 Notes: This article was originally written in Chinese by the author and subsequently translated into English with the assistance of Deepseek. The expanded explanation of the 8Cs here was elaborated by Deepseek. This article is published with the client's informed consent, adhering to the Xiaojie’s Intentions and Principles for Writing Therapy Stories. This piece is the third installment in the "Therapeutic Story of Client Xuanxuan" series and the fifth article in the "Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy Article Series - by Qin Xiaojie." 备注: 作者用中文写作，后经Deepseek翻译成英文。 此处8C的延展解释，由Deepseek完成描述。 文章由来访同意授权后发表，秉持 《咨询故事写作初心和原则》 本文中所涉及的个案分享，已获得来访者的事先知情同意。为最大限度保护来访者隐私，所有个人识别信息均已进行深度匿名化处理。本文旨在分享心理学知识，任何案例均不具备唯一对应性，请勿对号入座。

We want to extend our heartfelt congratulations to SENIA on a profoundly impactful conference 2025. Thank you for gathering so many talented minds and creating a vibrant community dedicated to learning and connection. It was our honor to present at this year’s conference. Following the resounding success of our workshop at the  SENIA Conference 2025  in Beijing, we are thrilled to share a glimpse into the unique experiential learning model that defines a Candlex session. On 28 th  Nov 2025 , the workshop presenter,  Xiaojie Qin , Psychotherapist and Director and CandleX, together with around 25 senior leaders from across the education sector gathered for a 75-minute journey into  Mental Health for Leaders , at  Keystone Academy Beijing . The Candlex Difference: No Two Workshops Are Alike Without a single PowerPoint slide , the room was transformed into a dynamic space for authentic connection and profound reflection. "I couldn't even if I tried!" Xiaojie joked. While many workshops focus on delivering pre-packaged content, our approach is fundamentally different.  Each workshop is unique, and no two are the same, even when we deliver on the same topic.  We began not with a theory, but with stories and reflection, immediately drawing participants into a personal and shared exploration of the leadership experience. As Xiaojie shared two true stories from the front lines of leadership, key themes emerged organically. These were captured in real-time on the board, creating a living mind-map of the group's collective wisdom. The focus was on self-awareness and self-management of the very traits that make leaders effective, yet can also lead to burnout if left unexamined. Building Trust in a Shared Space Despite most participants being strangers, the carefully crafted environment of psychological safety and the power of shared experience fostered incredible openness. Xiaojie has a decade of experiences working with groups, including mental health peer support groups, abuse survivors therapy groups, workshops groups with parents and teens group therapy, which contributes to our inch of cultivating a environment that fosters openness.   The discussions were not just theoretical; they became a conduit for leaders to connect on a human level, sharing their challenges and insights with remarkable strength. It was a powerful reminder that community is a core component of well-being. Key Features of CandleX Workshop This workshop exemplifies what Candlex brings to organizations/companies/embassies: Adaptive & Spontaneous:  We tailor the session in real-time to the needs of the people in the room, ensuring maximum relevance and impact. It’s a norm that we do not have PPTs for most sessions. The content is co-created by the participants and the presenter. Experiential & Discussion-Based:  We move beyond lectures to create genuine "aha" moments through guided reflection and peer learning. Safe & Confidential:  We specialize in building containers of trust where authentic, and sometimes vulnerable, sharing can occur, leading to deeper learning and connection. Focused on the Human Element:  Our goal is to equip leaders with the self-awareness to sustain their energy and well-being, which in turn enhances their leadership capacity. The feedback was clear:  Leaders left feeling seen, refreshed, and equipped with practical perspectives for their personal and professional lives. They didn't just learn about mental health; they actively engaged with their own. If you are looking for a workshop that goes beyond check-the-box training to foster genuine growth, connection, and sustainable leadership practices, we invite you to connect with us. CandleX also runs a profound non-profit sector, offering extensive psychosocial support activities, online education, and public awareness campaigns. Explore our resources below to learn more.

中文在文章后半部分 This article was originally written in Chinese by Qin Xiaojie (Counselor and Psychotherapist), and later translated into English with DeepSeek, adhering to the author’s  original intent and principles of writing about client stories . The case study presented in this article was shared with the client beforehand and published only after obtaining their written informed consent following their review. To maximize the protection of the client's privacy, all personally identifiable information has been thoroughly anonymized, and certain non-essential details have been fictitiously adapted. This article aims to share knowledge of psychology; no case is uniquely correspondent to any specific individual, and readers are advised not to identify with the content personally. Author:  Qin Xiaojie  (Psychotherapist) Time: 2025 Beijing From Brokenness to Reconstruction For two years, Xuanxuan and I established a rhythm of face-to-face sessions in the Beijing consulting room. The path of therapy is never a straight line, especially in the beginning; it often felt like taking three steps forward only to take one step back. During the most difficult periods, her depression would intensify so suddenly that she couldn't attend sessions for a whole month. However, it was a comfort to me when she once shared, "My doctor (in the hospital) said that my overall state is better when I'm in therapy with you, and I should keep coming." As a therapist, this feedback felt like a meaningful validation from a fellow professional.  Yes, our work was indeed progressing, slowly yet tangibly. The frequency of her suicidal ideation decreased, and she was able to maintain basic life and work functioning during depressive episodes. I had been deeply concerned that her periods of depression—which clouded her ability to work—might put her job at risk. Yet, in an increasingly challenging economic environment in China, she reached a point where  she almost no longer needed to take mental health leave.  She even began attempting financial planning, developing a more realistic sense of money, and her compulsive shopping gradually lessened. These were crucial safeguards for her and her family's livelihood. It was like plugging the biggest leaks in a boat taking on water—only then could it hope to sail steadily again. "I Know, But I Can't": The Barrier Between Cognition and Behavior While these improvements were encouraging, a year since we started, progress on some deeper emotional reactions and behavioral patterns seemed to hit a plateau. "I know, but I can't "—this phrase became the central paradox of our work. In the early stages of our sessions, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) was my primary framework. This is a classic "top-down" intervention—from a neuroscience perspective, it works by engaging the cerebral cortex (especially the rational and logical  prefrontal cortex ) to regulate and manage the  limbic system  responsible for emotions and memory. CBT is a structured, relatively fast-acting method. It helped us build a stable cognitive and behavior foundation without directly delving into traumatic memories, which was significantly beneficial in the short term. Image created with the assistance of Deepseek. But it also has clear limitations ( Xiaojie on Cognitive Behavior Therapy: A Therapist's Honest Take ). As therapy progressed, CBT’s marginal effects diminished, particularly for individuals with significant trauma histories. This is because traumatic experiences are primarily encoded in  non-verbal somatic sensations  and  emotional memories , stored mainly within the brain's  limbic system , specifically structures like the  amygdala  and  hippocampus . Adjustments based purely on logic and cognition often fail to reach the core of such trauma. This is also why profound psychological reconstruction (healing) ultimately requires repairing trauma rooted in bodily feelings and emotional memory — it needs a different pathway.  Experience  is the most direct way to ‘converse’ with the psyche at this level. Experience: a ‘Dialogue’ with the Limbic System During a period when Xuanxuan was relatively stable, she was able to be ‘productive’ in her various roles as a mom, a wife, and an employee. She described in one session the technique of ‘harsh words’ as self-talk was quite ‘effective’. For some people, a degree of self-discipline is necessary; we need it. But after more than twenty sessions with her, I recognized this as a sign of activated trauma at play. In that moment, I didn't praise, question, or directly present my analysis of the roots of this pattern. Instead, I summoned (really tried) my own curiosity to better understand her internal process. I invited her to explore it with me—not through logic reasoning, but by attending to the  physical sensations and images  that arose. The Felt Sense: A Bit "Woo-woo" Indeed "Where in your body do these 'harsh words' you just mentioned live?" I asked. "Here, in my chest," she said, pointing to it. "What do these words look like?" I asked. "Like a cassette tape, playing on a loop." She answered. "Good. Now, imagine taking that tape out of the player. Replace it with a new tape. This new one has recordings of kindness, gratitude, and love." I guided. She began to frown. Her body grew stiff, her breathing rapid. Sitting across from her, the stagnation I observed resonated with a thick, almost physical, resistance. My body tensed up a little as well. However, I kept my silence, in hope that she just needed a little more time. But unexpectedly, she said, "I can't... I can't put that tape in." I sat back, the weight of the moment settling on me with the realization of just how arduous this work of trauma repair truly was. This wasn't the only time this happened in our therapy room. Self-praise  was impossible. Many sessions with clients start with their own reflection of their week. One time, after Xuanxuan summarized her week, I noticed her progress. "That's truly wonderful. Before, you'd only realize after placing the order. Now you mention you can put items in the shopping cart first. I believe that's a difficult shift, and you've done really well." Sitting opposite me, it was as if she didn't hear my words. To help her internalize this positive feedback and build her capacity for  self-praise , I gently asked if she could repeat the words back to me. Yet, all she could say was, "I was just fulfilling my responsibility." “Still, it’s not an easy progress. Are you proud of yourself, even just a little?” I tried again. “No.” She replied, fast and firm. Can you imagine how that felt for me, sitting across from her? Yes, this was the therapist's countertransference—I felt a flicker of frustration and even impatience. For between-session therapeutic practices, I suggested she practice self-encouragement: writing down one small success each day and placing it in a jar. Although she expressed willingness, she never followed through. So, during one session, I placed a tea caddy on the table and invited her to write a note and put it in right then. She sat across from me and said, "I can't." We tried a few times; she wouldn't pick up the pen, let alone write or place anything inside. The room grew very quiet. She fell silent, and I allowed myself to sit in that silence, feeling my own confusion and discouragement but not get carried away by them. My intention was to gently pull her a little up from the bottom of that well. But as we began, I was once again confronted with just how deep that well was, and how arduous the deep layer of healing process truly would be. I needed other tools. Shared Space, Different Work: Client and Therapist As the therapist, I stood on the safe shore, equipped with theoretical maps that clearly showed the route to the other side. Like with my other client, Rose, ( Rose's Breakthrough | Internal Family Systems Therapy (2) ), Xuanxuan was the one in the boat, battered by the towering waves of depressive and manic episodes. Her entire will was focused on clinging to the gunwale, fighting the nausea just to survive. Steering a course was a luxury far beyond her reach. In my work with Xuanxuan, I repeatedly reviewed and revised her treatment plan with my supervisors in Australia and China, while continually deepening my foundational therapy skills and learning other therapeutic techniques. I proposed to Xuanxuan that we incorporate more experiential methods into our work. She was willing to try. It was through these experiential approaches, specifically utilizing the core concept of " Parts " from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, that we finally managed to break through the impasse. The key to unlocking this profound impasse came from an unexpected place: the language of 'Parts' in IFS. In the next article, we'll explore how understanding and empathizing with each piece of herself began a slow, tender process of reassembly. This article is the second installment in the series about the therapy client Xuanxuan, and fourth article in the series on Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy by Qin Xiaojie. For the beginning of Xuanxuan's therapeutic journey and her initial state, please refer to the first article:  Xuanxuan's Polarized Life | Internal Family Systems Therapy (3) . This article was written in Chinese by the therapist and later translated into English using DeepSeek. It is published with the client's consent, adhering to the author’s  original intent and principles of writing about client stories . 文章由作者秦小杰（心理咨询师，心理治疗师）用中文写作，后经 deepseek翻译成英文，秉持： 写作初心和来访咨询故事写作原则 。 本文中所涉及的个案分享，先发送给来访者，经其阅读后获取书面知情同意后发表。为最大限度保护来访者隐私，所有个人识别信息再进行深度匿名化处理，并已对部分非核心情节进行虚构改编。本文旨在分享心理学知识，任何案例均不具备唯一对应性，请勿对号入座。 作者： 秦小杰  (心理治疗师，心理咨询师) 时间： 2025年北京 裂痕中的微光：在破碎与重建之间 两年间，我与璇璇在北京的咨询室里，建立起一种有节奏的面对面工作关系。咨询的轨迹从来不是一条直线，尤其在初期，常常是走三步、退一步。最艰难时，她会因抑郁突然加剧而整月咨询也没来。然而，令我欣慰的是，有一次她告诉我：“医生说，我在你这里做咨询的时候，整个人的状态要好一些，让我坚持来。” 作为一名咨询师，这是来自同行的，我最珍视的肯定。 是的，我们的工作确实在缓慢而真实地推进。她的自杀意念出现的频率降低了，在抑郁期也能维持基本的生活与工作功能。在日益严峻的中国经济环境下，我曾深深担忧她因无法履行工作职责而失业，经过心理咨询，她几乎不再需要请心理精神科病假；她甚至开始尝试财务规划，对金钱有了更真实的感知，购物行为也逐渐减少。这对她和家人的生活是至关重要的保障。这就像一艘漏水的船，先堵上最大的漏洞，才可能继续平稳航行。 “我知道，但我做不到”：横亘在认知与行为之间的壁垒 这些改善都可喜可贺，但一些更深层的情绪反应和行为模式的改善，咨询在一年多后，似乎进入了平台期。 “我知道，但我做不到” ——这句话成为我们工作中最大的悖论。 在我们合作初期，认知行为疗法(CBT)是我使用的主要框架。这是一种典型的“自上而下”的干预——从神经科学的角度看，即是通过调动 大脑皮层 （尤其是负责理性与逻辑的“ 前额叶 ”）来调节和管理负责情绪和记忆的 边缘系统 。CBT是一种结构化、见效相对迅速的方法，它帮助我们在不直接深入创伤记忆的情况下，先建立起稳定的认知基础和行为修缮，这在短期内收益显著。 但它也有着明显的局限（ 心理咨询师的坦白局：跟认知行为治疗的那几年 ) 。 随着咨询的进展，CBT边际效应递减，特别是一部分经历过较多创伤的群体，因为创伤体验主要被编码在非语言的 躯体感受 和 情绪记忆 中时，主要存储于大脑的“ 边缘系统 ”，尤其是其中的 “杏仁核” 和 “海马体” ，仅凭逻辑认知的调整，往往难以触及核心。这也是为什么，深层次的心重建，实际是在更深层的、根植于躯体感受与情绪记忆的创伤修复，它需要不同的路径去触及—— 体验 ，则是一种最直接跟这个层次进行心灵对话的方式。 体验：是大脑边缘系统的对话方式 在她状态相对稳定的一段时期，某次会谈中，我们回顾她近期的自我管理方式。她描述自己如何用尖锐的、近乎惩罚性的内在语言不断驱策自己前行。从表面上看，这种自我鞭策仿佛是一种高度自律；对许多人而言，适度的自我要求也确是 功能良好的表现 。但与她工作二十余次积累的直觉告诉我，这并非普通的自律——这是一种 创伤被激活的生存状态 。 那一刻，我没有称赞或质疑她，也没有直接分析这些模式背后的成因。我调整了自己，从好奇的角度出发，邀请她再次 体验 这个过程，并同时分享给我。 体验：是有点“神叨叨”的 “你刚刚说的‘这些刻薄的话’，在身体哪里住着？”我问。 “在胸口这里。”她指着自己的胸口。 “这些话长的样子是什么？”我问。 “像一盘磁带，一直在播放。”她回答到。 “很好。现在，想象你把这盘磁带从播放器里取出来。换一盘磁带，这个新的磁带上，都是温柔、感激和带着爱的录音。”我引导到。 她开始皱眉头，身体变得僵硬，呼吸急促。我在对面能感受到那种卡顿的状态，也将我的气一下叼了起来。那一刻，我选择了乐观，保持着沉默，相信她的内心只是需要一些时间。但出乎意料的是，她说：“我做不到…这个磁带放不进去。” 当时，引导她更换磁带的初衷，是想帮她从这口深井里往上拉一点。但她内心某个沉重的部分却将她牢牢钉在原地，这让我再次真切体会到，这场心灵救援的工程是何等艰难。 这种情况不止一次的在我们的咨询室里发生。 我跟来访的咨询，常会以他们回顾当周的生活工作开始。一次，璇璇总结了下她一周的生活工作状态，我看到了她的进步。“真棒，以前你都下完单了才反应过来。今天你提到，你现在可以先把东西放到购物框里了，我相信这是很难的一个转变，你做的很好。”她坐在对面，仿佛听不到我说的话，为了增强她自我赞美的能力。我请她复述我讲的肯定，她却只能说：“我只是尽到了责任而已。”“这也是很不容易的事情，你有没有一丝的自豪？”我再次尝试。“没有。”她快速而坚定的回答到。你可以想象坐在对面的我是何种心情吗？是的，这是咨询师的反移情——我不理解为何复述会如此困难，甚至感到些许沮丧和不耐烦。 我也给她布置过“作业”进行自我鼓励：将每天做好的小事写下来放入罐中。尽管她表示愿意尝试，却从未完成。于是有一次，我在咨询中直接放置了一个茶叶罐，邀请她当场写下一张纸条放入。她坐在对面，说：“我做不到”。我们尝试了几次，她都不拿笔，我写字，更别提往里放了。咨询室里，变得很安静，她不讲话，我也允许自己在不语中感受自己的困惑和沮丧。 每次我使劲把璇璇往上拉时，她内心有一个部分都用绝对力量保持这原地不动。在这几幕场景中，我都在跟一个“严厉的监督者”交锋（一个战略性的失误），并且屡战屡败。这个部分并非理性的自我管理，而是她在童年为应对一个有家庭暴力的环境，所分裂出的一个保护部分，此刻正被熟悉的压力再次唤醒。深层次的疗愈的过程是多么的艰巨（要看到心理咨询工作的效果，必须我和璇璇初次碰面时，那种支离破碎的状态为起点，请先阅读：来访旋旋： 高功能外表下的双相风暴与咨询困局｜内在家庭系统治疗（3) ），我应该需要用别的工具。 同在一个空间：咨询师和来访的体验和功课并不同 我，做为一名咨询师，站在安全的岸上，凭借理论地图，能清晰地指出去往彼岸的航线。跟我的另一位来访蕊芬一样，在黑暗中，她看不到路（ 来访蕊芬：从黑暗到光明的意向转变 ）。而旋旋，她是那艘在情绪惊涛骇浪中几近倾覆的小船的亲历者，抑郁期和躁狂期的巨浪一次次将她淹没，她的全部意志都用于紧抓船舷、对抗呕吐感以求生存，无力奢谈航向。 跟璇璇的咨询，我多次跟我澳洲的督导师、国内的督导都复盘修改她的咨询方案，并且不断加深自己的咨询基础技能和其他咨询技巧的学习。逐渐的，我跟璇璇提议，之后用更多体验的方式工作，她愿意尝试。而这种体验方式，我就使用了“ 内在家庭治疗（IFS) ” 的最核心的“部分”得意突破瓶颈，下一篇章，我会详细阐述。 此文是“来访璇璇咨询故事”的第二篇，为“内在家庭系统治疗（IFS）文章系列-秦小杰著”的第四篇。璇璇的咨询起点以及状态请见第一篇，来访旋旋： 高功能外表下的双相风暴与咨询困局｜内在家庭系统治疗（3 ） 。作者用中文写作，后经Deepseek翻译成英文。经来访同意后发表，秉持 咨询故事写作初心的原则 。

中文在文章后半部分 文章由作者秦小杰（心理咨询师，心理治疗师）用中文写作，后经deepseek翻译成英文，秉持： 写作初心和来访咨询故事写作原则 。本文中所涉及的个案分享，先发送给来访者，经其阅读后获取书面知情同意后发表。为最大限度保护来访者隐私，所有个人识别信息再进行深度匿名化处理，并已对部分非核心情节进行虚构改编。本文旨在分享心理学知识，任何案例均不具备唯一对应性，请勿对号入座。 本文为内在家庭系统治疗（IFS）文章系列的第三篇，您可点击下方阅读前两篇： 内在家庭系统治疗 (IFS) 简介 来访蕊芬：从黑暗到光明的意向转变 (Full article is available in Chinese in the latter part of this document) This article was originally written in Chinese by Qin Xiaojie (Counselor and Psychotherapist), and later translated into English with DeepSeek, adhering to the author’s original intent and principles of writing about client stories . The case study presented in this article was shared with the client beforehand and published only after obtaining their written informed consent following their review. To maximize the protection of the client's privacy, all personally identifiable information has been thoroughly anonymized, and certain non-essential details have been fictitiously adapted. This article aims to share knowledge of psychology; no case is uniquely correspondent to any specific individual, and readers are advised not to identify with the content personally. This article is the third installment in our series on Internal Family Systems Therapy. You can read the previous articles by clicking the titles below: The Gentle Intro | Internal Family System Therapy (1) Rose's Breakthrough | Internal Family Systems Therapy (2) Author:   Qin Xiaojie Time: 2025 Beijing The Beginning: A Stiff Smile, A Shattered Inner World On a summer day in 2020s, Xuanxuan walked into the counselling room in Beijing and sat down across from me. Despite the severity of her depression, the corners of her mouth were still pulled upwards into a polite, yet heavy, smile—as if to spare me the full weight of her burden. But her body told a different story: her movements were stiff, like a marionettes, and her fingers trembled slightly between words, especially when she held a pen. She was in the worst phase of her life. Depression had eroded her ability to function—she struggled with responsibilities at work and found it difficult to return after a holiday. By all external measures, she had an enviable career, and a lovely family. Yet, she was also a client experiencing  mild to moderate suicidal ideation at that time . Fortunately, she was already under the care of a psychiatrist and receiving regular psychotherapy from the Chinese hospitals. This medical support was the essential foundation that allowed our work together to begin. As her therapist, I understood the ethical necessity of this safety net; I could not ethically support a high-risk client without it. The Aware Yet Wounded: A "Veteran" in Psychological Distress Xuanxuan was no novice to psychological work. Before coming to me, she had two years of psychiatric treatment, had been on medication, and had participated in both individual and group therapy. These interventions had been vital. She was fluent in the language of therapy, using terms like "regression" to describe her state and displaying clear insight into how her family of origin affected her. From her accounts, I gathered that previous therapists had likely employed psychodynamic approaches, focusing heavily on cognitive adjustment. Around our one-year mark, she received a preliminary diagnosis from her doctor: Bipolar Disorder. When she was functioning well, Xuanxuan was exceptional—meticulous and responsible at work, a devoted mother and wife who silently shouldered family financial pressures without complaint when needed, and a supportive figure for friends and even strangers. But during one session, using a visualization exercise, she described her inner world: "I feel like I'm carrying so much on my back that I'm already hunched over, yet I keep adding more." Her sense of responsibility, kindness, and drive came at the cost of profound self-depletion. She was intellectually aware of how her perfectionism consumed her. Anxiety manifested in compulsive behaviors—repetitive cleaning and uncontrollable shopping sprees, especially during low moods, where she would buy things she didn't need, losing all sense of the monetary reality, completely disconnecting from the financial reality of her actions. She knew this compulsive spending was a maladaptive strategy to cope with emotional tsunamis, one that was eating away at the family's finances and threatening its stability. Yet the pattern remained stubbornly entrenched. During depressive episodes, she became paralyzed. "I did nothing all weekend, just lay in bed, sleeping or scrolling on my phone," she'd say. "I don't want to see my children. I have no energy for them; their presence irritates me." Her world seemed muted, wrapped in a concerning "sense of separation." "When I walk on the street, I don't notice cars until they are very close," she described—a clear sign of derealization dissociation, the mind's way of insulating itself from unbearable pain. This dissociative quality was palpable in our sessions. Even when recounting childhood domestic violence, her tone remained flat, as if narrating someone else's story. It reminded me of a client from my therapy group for survivors of domestic violence I had facilitated years ago (memories documented in  A Snapshot of Project A’s Group Therapy | The Therapist’s View ). That client had little memory of her childhood—a form of  dissociative amnesia —until one session when she suddenly recalled being sexually abused as a child, recounting it with the same eerie calm. What truly gripped me during those early days with Xuanxuan was one simple mindfulness exercise. I asked her to look out the window and tell me what she saw. Gazing outside, she said softly, "I see many people jumping from the building across the street." In that moment, I felt as if I were standing at the edge of a deep well, having accidentally dropped a stone and waiting an eternity for the faint echo from the depths. The well was deep—so deep it stole my breath. Beneath her calm surface a world shattered into pieces. This is where we began. Our work would not be to dismiss the fragments, but to understand each one. The next article explores how IFS helped us listen to the voices within the shatters. 作者： 秦小杰 时间：2025年北京 起点：僵硬的微笑，破碎的世界 北京几年前的一个夏日，旋旋第一次推开咨询室的门，坐在我面前。 尽管她抑郁已经非常严重，嘴角依然努力向上扬起，形成一个礼貌却沉重的微笑——似乎是不想让她的沉重压到我。可她的身体，却在无声地诉说着真实的内心：步伐僵硬，如同提线木偶；指尖在交谈间隙微微颤抖，尤其在握笔书写的时刻，格外明显。 那时的她，正处在生命中最糟糕的阶段。抑郁几乎吞噬了她全部的功能，部分工作职责无法承担，甚至在假期结束后难以返岗。她拥有一份旁人羡慕的工作，一段稳定的婚姻，可爱的孩子——可同时，她也是一个有着轻中度自杀意念的来访者。 值得庆幸的是，她已经在医院精神科接受药物治疗和定期的心理治疗。这是我们能够开始工作的安全基石。 作为她的心理咨询师，我深知伦理边界：我无法独自承接高风险来访，医疗系统的治疗是我们工作的前提。 资深觉察者与沉默的伤痛 旋旋并非心理世界的初学者。在来到我这里之前，她已有两年的精神科就诊史，服用多种精神科药物，同时接受个体和团体心理治疗。这些早期干预成为了她生命的重要保障。 她对心理学术语如数家珍，言语间带着“退行”等心理专业词汇描述自己的状态，对原生家庭的影响也有清晰认知。听她的讲述，我推测之前的心理治疗师可能运用了精神分析等方法进行了大量的认知调整。 在我们工作满一年时，医院给出了初步诊断： “双相情感障碍” 。 当她功能良好时，她是一名出色的职场人——细致、负责、有担当；也是一位无微不至的母亲和妻子，甚至在家庭经济困难时默默扛起生计重担、而毫无怨言；在朋友、甚至是陌生人需要帮助和支持时，她都会托举起他们。但我们在咨询中，用视觉化方式探索自我体验时，她这样描述：“我觉得自己背了很多东西，都已经驼背了，我还不停地往上放。” 这，是一种以过度消耗为代价的责任感、善良和努力。 她清楚自己的“完美主义”如何消耗着自己。无论是在工作还是育儿中，她都承受着的焦虑，并发展出一些强迫倾向的行为：反复拖地、无法自控的购物——尤其在情绪糟糕时，会购买大量不需要的东西，对金钱失去真实感知。她深知自己的疯狂购物行为是一种应对情绪海啸的无效策略，已经啃食家庭重要经济支柱，而可能最后摧毁这个家庭，但这个模式异常顽固，难以改变。 在抑郁发作期，她会陷入全面瘫痪。“这个周末我什么都没干，一直在床上躺着，睡觉，或者刷手机。”“我不想看到孩子，我没有一点力气为他们做事情，看到他们我感到烦躁。”同时，她的世界仿佛被静了音，存在一种令人担忧的“隔膜感”。“走在路上，汽车开到很近了我才感觉到。”—这是一种 现实解体的解离体验 ，心灵在过度痛苦时为自己装上一层保护膜，让我们得以存活。 这种解离的状态，在我们的咨询中时有体现。即便讲述童年遭受的家庭暴力，她的语气也平静得像在诉说别人的故事，情绪仿佛被一层无形的薄膜隔绝。多年前，我带领家暴女性康复团体（咨询回忆收藏在了我当年写的这篇文章中： A Snapshot of Project A’s Group Therapy | The Therapist’s View ）时的一位来访者——她对童年几乎毫无记忆（一种 遗忘型解离) ，直到某次咨询中突然回忆起年幼时遭受的性侵经历，而她叙述时，脸上也是这般不起波澜的平静。 跟璇璇一起的初期，让我心头一紧的，是一次简单的正念练习。我请她看看窗外，告诉我看到了什么。她凝视窗外，轻声说：”我看到很多人从对面楼上跳下来“。那一刻，我仿佛站在一口深井边缘，无意间投下一块石子，隔了许久才听见从极深处传来那一声微弱的回响——井很深，深得让我不由地屏住了呼吸。她平静的表面下，是一片从未被踏足过的支离破碎的废墟。 我们的工作就是从这里开始的。我们要做的不是选择放弃一些碎片，而是去深刻的理解每一片。下一篇文章，我会讲述我是如何开始逐渐使用“内在家庭系统治疗”，以及它如何在‘由上至下’的咨询流派边际效应递减为零时，显现出它超强的治愈优势的。

On the 10th anniversary of our Mental Health Peer Support Group, let’s hear the experience from one of our participants!

Today is World Trauma Day. Sometimes, even the world "trauma" itself can feel broken - but our stories of healing don't have to be. At CandleX, we have worked with many forms of trauma, including abusive relationships, sex addiction, incomplete loss and grief, and suicidality. This year, we are focusing on the profound impact of  intimate relationship trauma. Your story is part of your journey, but it does not define you. Begin Your Understanding: Recognize the signs with our guide:  What is Emotional Abuse? | Classroom Find Connection and Strength: Read about the power of shared healing in our group therapy reviews: Psychotherapy on Healing from Abusive Relationships | Group and Individual Therapy A Snapshot of Project A’s Group Therapy | The Therapist’s View Witness a powerful journey of Cecilia’s resilience: Cecilia's Escape - From Broken Vows to Independence Cecilia in the Aftermath – Haunted by Petals Your Next Steps with CandleX: In Crisis? Be Brave. Reach Out. Access immediate support:  Crisis Hotlines Begin Your Healing Journey. Explore one-on-one support:  Psychotherapy Services Find Your Community. Connect with others:  Mental Health Peer Support Group You are not alone. Click the links to find your path forward.