Here’s a piece of writing by Alison, a Chinese-born high schooler living in the United States. Thank you, Alison, for sharing your experiences with eating disorders in this article, and for your hard work volunteering for CandleX. If you are interested in getting involved with our work, see the links below. I once spent a winter in an inpatient treatment program for eating disorders because I couldn’t sustain a life on my own due to anorexia. As I came out of treatment, I found that I had gained so many things: my life, friends, love, care, and an understanding. Eating disorders are more than simply struggling with food. Every anorexic has a different story as to how their eating disorder started; however, there are more ways in which they are all the same. Abby is a friend that I made at the treatment program. On the day of her discharge, when we congratulated her on this milestone of her recovery, she surprised us by bursting into tears. “Why are you crying? Aren’t you excited about going back home and finishing up the school year?” We asked. Abby confessed that, though recovery saved her life, she missed having her eating disorder: “I am afraid of going back to school because I don’t have any friends… anorexia has been my friend for so long that I don’t have anyone else; it kept me company, and made me feel worthy.” Her words hit home for me, as they spoke to the underlying reason behind my eating disorder. Coming to new school thousands of miles away from my home country as a teenager, I was all by myself. I struggled, yet I was reluctant to reach out for help. This, combined with many other factors that I wasn’t used to, made me feel like I was losing control of my life. Amidst my despair and confusion, I was tricked into believing that restricting my food intake would be the ultimate cure for my difficult emotions. For a long time, I felt accomplished for starving myself all day without eating, because it showed that I had willpower. Little did I know back then that once fallen into the trap of anorexia, one feels more pain than pleasure. Indeed, to maintain this fake sense of self-discipline, I dealt with anxiety and obsessive thoughts about food almost all of the time. So many people, including myself (before I learned what an eating disorder truly is), downplayed eating disorders as “having the discipline to go on a diet but just going too far”. The truth, however, is that those who suffer from eating disorders are not driven by determination, but rather by anxiety. Unlike a diet that people can start and quit, we are stuck in the trap of disordered eating. It confines us in loneliness, isolation, anxiety, depression— but we can’t let it go. We dread that feeling of failure: What could possibly happen if we stop our self-sabotaging starvation? We dread losing control of our eating, even though most of us don’t realize that in reality it is the food that controls us. It’s not just about starvation. What makes us suffer is the anxiety about what could happen if we give in to our hunger. Anorexics don’t hate food. An eating disorder is not a diet. Only by acknowledging its existence as a mental illness and overcoming the stigma around it, can we help ourselves and protect those around us from falling victim to eating disorders. CandleX’s Resources Access the CandleX archive on depression and mental health Are you or a friend in a Crisis? Crisis Support CandleX on Twitter www.twitter.com/CandleX_Beijing/ Stories and writing from our community https://www.candlex.cn/blog/category/Community%20Writing Support Group Support Group Sign Ups

Here’s the latest in our Community Writing Project. Lily, a 16-year old high school student originally from China, writes about her experiences with mental health as an international student in America. Thank you for sharing your story, Lily! If you have any comments about this piece, are affected by its contents or what to discuss with our community, scan the QR code at the bottom of this article to join our Wechat group. I came to America by myself as an international student at the age of 13. I did not prepare much for my American life. I was too young to understand how big the challenge would be. I landed in America with excitement, and everyone welcomed me. At that moment, I was truly happy because I thought I was free. My parents weren’t around anymore. I did not know what it meant to live in someone else’ house by myself. My freshman year flew by with numbness. I wasted my time, focused on useless things, made wrong decisions. On the last day of my freshman year, I lay on my bed and questioned myself: what did I do in the last 10 months, anything meaningful, anything worth telling my parents about, or anything to make me proud? No, I didn’t achieve anything. This sad mood lasted about two days, and I felt like I was stuck in a swamp. Looking back now, that was the beginning of my depression. But at that time, I had no idea about mental health and never thought that I would trip over mental health issues. My sophomore year was when my depression really started. I started to understand that I needed good grades to go to a good college, to make my parents proud, and to make all the money they spent on me worth it. I think the only way to make up the mistakes I had made before was to work really, really hard. The time I spent studying time was the only moment in which I did not feel so bad about myself. I started to try to be someone else, someone who looks perfect from the outside, and that kind of mindset turned into jealousy. Bitterness and resentments from everyday life made me feel even worse. Every time I felt so tired, and tried to relax or take a nap. I constantly questioned myself - would the people I admire take a nap at this point? No, of course not, so why would I be relaxing? I did not think that I deserved to relax any more. I always told myself to think about how much money my parents had spent on me. So, I just continued to study even when I was tired, and because I was tired I could not focus well, which it turn meant my grades suffered. Declining grades make me even more frustrated with myself, and as you can see, I was stuck in a bad loop. During that time, I was also in our school's soccer team, but after all these late night studies and pain in the head caused my health to worsen, I was no longer picked in the starting team. With the negative feedback from my teammates and coach, I lost interest in my only hobby, soccer, too. I carried all these heavy loads with me and felt like a coin dropped into the deep, deep ocean without any light around me. I worked really hard to cover up my mistakes. I lived in the shadow of self-inflicted blame every single moment. It was really hard, and the voice in my head questioning the efforts I made got louder and louder. The questions I asked myself: Do I work hard enough? Do I deserve happiness? am I worth the money my parents spend on me? Those questions hit my mind hard, and I could not get rid of them for years. Eventually I started to cover my negative thoughts by playing games. Winning in games gave me a sense of achievement. But just a few weeks later, I lost my interest in games too. Every moment of happiness made me feel guilty. I started to find everything in life boring. I could hardly find anything in my life that could bring me excitement and happiness. I should have done something to end my depression, but I did not. Instead of facing myself and talking to myself, I choose to avoid my problems because of guilt. Unfortunately, that made my depression even worse. I tried to talk to my friends, but I didn’t know how to start. Every time I tried to tell someone that I thought I may have depression, they just stared at me with disbelief in their eyes, and told me that I am someone who will never have depression. Ignorance and incomprehension from my host family makes me feel isolated from others mentally. I did not want to talk to anyone anymore, not even my parents. During the hardest time I had a lot of suicidal thoughts, and I never thought that I could ever make it this far, but I did. I am so glad that I could make through it. I finally talked to one of my friends who could understand me, and one of my teachers who studies psychology. Both of them gave me really helpful advice and I started to face my emotions, and get better. I started to talk to my parents and tell them what I have been thinking, and tell them that I feel sorry and wish that I could change. My parents told me that they have never expected me to be number one at any given time, they just wished me to be happy and free. Their comfort warmed the coldest part in my heart and words could not describe how much better I felt after talking to them. It felt like I dropped all my loads and finally had a chance to breathe. If you are reading this, and you think you may have depression, or negative thoughts, I genuinely ask anyone who has mental problems to talk to others, it does not have to be your friends, or parents, it could be anyone that you trust. You never know how good it will turn out. It is also a good idea to see a therapist, they could give you really helpful instructions. In addition, from my experience, I sincerely wish everyone who has mental problems could keep going, and not give up. I know it is hard, but once you overcome the fear in your heart and the anxiety in your mind, you can crush all the adversities in your life in the future. Many people see my story as unfortunate, and they are right. What I have encountered has changed me a lot, but I do not see it as a curse. Everything has a positive side that needs us to explore. In the past years, I have gained courage and life experience to face obstacles in the future. Interested in what we do? Follow us on Twitter @CandleXBeijing for more. Join our Wechat group:

Is it the first time that you and your child are living in different countries? Nov has arrived, and so have your feelings. Along with the hope and joy, you also cannot help feeling worried, anxious about whether your child will adapt to new customs, languages, and food, which is really scary. Mainland Chinese students represent the largest body of international students in the US. Your concern is not absolutely unnecessary. According to a Yale study3, out of these students who are studying in the US, 45% of them have reported having feelings of depression and 29% have reported having feelings of anxiety. This means that at least 1 out of ever 2 Mainland Chinese students will face emotional issues while they study abroad. This is troubling since only around 13% of the general population in universities report feelings of anxiety or depression (there were no numbers within the international student population). In fact, as a Chinese international student, your child is less likely to seek out counseling or support groups than their European counterparts. In the US, about 11%, or 1 out of every 10 students utilized counseling services in 2014, but only 4%, or one out of 25 of Chinese international student sought out these services. I asked my friend about her experiences at SUNY at Buffalo for the article. When recalling her experience as a student abroad, Helen (English name) easily admits that she struggled with depression. In fact, she said that she spent the first two years of university feeling homesick and depressed. She cites the stresses of being apart from her parents and friends, as well as the social norms of living in the United States as some of the causes for her depression. She is in the minority, as she actively sought out the counseling that her university offered. In fact, Helen was able to see a counselor who spoke Mandarin and who she felt really understood what she was going through. Through this experience, Helen actually went on to study psychology and she says that her experience was so positive that she actually thinks that it is the reason she was able to turn her experience of struggling with depression into a positive one where she learned to speak about her emotions and process them in a positive way. My co-worker, Peggy (English name) expressed similar feelings as Helen when I asked her to describe her experiences studying at York, in the U.K. She said that she felt incredibly lonely and helpless being alone in a new country, and said that she felt there was nothing she could do. She even spoke of times where she was screamed at on the street to go home to her own country, or when a little girl screamed at her to get out of the way. She spoke to her parents and friends and home, but did not want to worry them with her struggles, and opted to only tell them about the positive highlights of her life abroad. As parents, it is important to hear both Helen’s and Peggy’s story, because although they have similarities, there are stark differences. I asked Peggy why she never sought out counselling and she said it was too expensive and that her problems were not that serious. She was unaware that most universities offer free sessions to students. Even if she did know, she still feels that her problems were not worthy of seeking help. Feelings of depression, or anxiety are often caused by challenges life presents. In milestones like first year in college in a foreign country, the challenges are enormous to most teenagers. To support them, the first step is to be aware of the challenges that they might face, and to be aware of the resources that will be available to them. Gaining an understanding of the factors that lead to mental health problems, as well as understanding the cultural obstacles that Chinese students face is key to bridging the gap between suffering from mental health problems and seeking the help that is available to them. It is easy to outweigh academic achievements over mental health, but both are equally important. As a parent, you can look for warning signs of depression, such as lack of energy, expressing feelings of sadness, avoiding socializing with friends, and even being over critical of themselves. You know your child, so if you notice large behavioral changes, it is important to create a safe and supportive space and communicate to them about their emotional well-being. If you are afraid that your child is suffering from depression or anxiety, it is important to remember that they are not alone, and that there are resources available! Every year since 2015, we provide Chinese high school graduates workshops to prepare them for the transition into American universities. We provide workshops for their parents to ensure that the concerned parents are equipped with knowledge to deal with possible turbulence their children face living on their own for the first time. Although there may not be the exposure to counseling that there is in the US4, it is important to understand the importance of counseling. Many of the mainland Chinese international students have reported having less experience with counseling and report more discomfort and shame regarding counseling than their US cohort4. In fact, there is an astronomical shortage of well-trained therapists in China, so therapy is not viewed as an option for a majority of students1. In the US, students face a variety of obstacles, including homesickness, loneliness and social isolation, identity confusion, discrimination and prejudice, culture shock, and stress due to changes. These are huge changes that are happening to your child, and encouraging them to manage their emotions early may be key for maintaining their mental health. Although mainland Chinese international student have reported positive attitudes towards seeking mental health counseling, they tend to seek support from friends, family, or religious leaders4. Researchers have also found that students who believed that they were able to resolve their emotional distress by themselves are more likely to have depressive symptoms, while being less likely to seek professional help4. In fact, researchers found that Asian international students are more likely to underutilize counseling services more than any other ethnic/cultural group in the US, even though they experience high rates of anxiety and depression. By knowing these facts, you can encourage your child to seek the professional care that is available to them. There is a silver lining to these issues. A literature review of the mental health of international Chinese students proposes three approaches based on the unique needs of mainland Chinese international students4. These include intentional outreach, peer-to-peer counseling, and support groups. There are several types of outreach activities that could be helpful for students who are studying abroad. Universities should take advantages of the adjustment period upon arrival. This includes creating bilingual handouts to ease the language burden, the use of culture-centered intentional interactions, and the recruitment of other mainland Chinese students who could serve as liaisons to the counseling staff4. For students who are studying abroad and feeling overwhelmed by their new environment, it is important to recognize that they are not alone. Peer-to-peer counseling can take many forms. It could be something as simple as reaching out to other Chinese international students, they are likely feeling similar feelings of culture shock, loneliness, and stress1. Encouraging your child to learn and to be open to share their experiences is not only helpful for their experience, but can be helpful to their cohort as well. Peers can be invaluable while adjusting to new cultures, as they are often experiencing similar feelings and stresses. For students that are preparing to go overseas, there are steps that they can take to make a smoother transition. Your child can research clubs or organizations that are providing “buddies” or older students who have faced similar obstacles as them. Encourage them to reach out to the international Chinese community. There are plenty of options through universities, student associations, and often times even Facebook groups. Creating a support system is invaluable for children that are separated from all that is familiar. Also, help your child to avoid homesickness. Save the student (www.savethestudent.com) has a helpful list for avoiding homesickness, the number one hint being be kind to yourself. Remember, it is normal for your child to feel overwhelmed. They are adjusting to a new culture, a new country, a new schedule, and for many, a new language. Although it might be difficult for them to reach out to professionals when they are experiencing anxiety or depression, there are anonymous resources like Student Minds who offer support. Additionally, there are resources at https://www.candlex.cn/ that can help you with various mental health issues, including bi-polar, depression, and various support groups.

Warning: This article contains frank discussion of suicide and mental illness which some readers may find disturbing. Name: Hellen (we have changed the interviewee’s name for anonymity) Country of Origin: Australia Occupation: Education Time in Beijing: 2016-now (2019) When were you first diagnosed with depression and how did it impact your early life? Mental health issues of some form or another have run in my family for several generations. My parents, grandparents and 11 out of my 12 uncles and aunts have all struggled with some kind of mental health problem. My first experience with depression started when I was 12. At the time, I didn’t know I was suffering from depression, but that is when I noticed the shaking, twitching and the suicidal thoughts that emerged. I used to see myself as a “broken tool”. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 19. Throughout my life, having depression has had a marked effect on many aspects of my life, including my ability to form healthy relationships. All of the relationships I built with partners as an adult were quite toxic. I tried to maintain healthy relationships with my parents, especially with my mom, but it hasn’t been easy. My mother is a pathological liar – I have now cut myself off from my family entirely and don’t plan on going back to Australia before they pass away. How does depression look like or feel like? Some people describe it as a black dog, but it isn’t like that for me. It’s more a feeling of nothingness around me. I sometimes have this feeling of “dissociation” – it feels as if everything around me is very far away. It is a very strong feeling of disconnect from the world. You see everything and you are constantly evaluating what the “correct” response should be, but at the same time, you don’t really care. It’s like watching a movie of your own life. Sometimes, I would also lose physical sensations or pass out when I am suffering from depression. It’s like my brain is trying to disconnect from the emotion. This disconnected state could last 24 hours but it could last weeks before it gradually comes back. How did you arrive in China? I needed some practical experience for a teaching degree. I decided to take a year off to figure things out. I arrived in China in 2003 in Harbin, just six weeks after making my decision to move to China and despite the fact that I had never really traveled before. I kept coming back and forth between China and Australia until I finally arrived in Beijing in 2016. How has being in China impacted your mental health? For me, moving to China definitely wasn’t a positive experience at first. It was when I first arrived that the eating disorder started to develop, as well as a drinking problem. The working conditions in Harbin were extremely tough. So tough in fact that at times I would pass out. I tried to seek help when I first arrived in China in the Chinese medical system, but I found it very difficult to get the help I need. The medication seemed too expensive, and doctors were rude, aggressive or didn’t seem to take my problems seriously – one suggesting that I just do something I enjoy, like watching a movie, as I was being discharged from hospital during my second suicide attempt. Living as a foreigner in China doesn’t help. Foreigners don’t often settle down long-term in China, which means there is often some sort of deadline in relationships that I have built. Having said that, going back home isn’t easy either because it is much harder to integrate back into a community where close bonds are already formed, feeling that much further away from people who might not understand the expat lifestyle. If it was so tough, why stay? I was looking for chaos when I came to China – and chaos I certainly got. The chaos in China is attractive. At the same time, my brother was dropping out of school so I negotiated with my school in Harbin that I could teach extra hours for free in exchange for them taking him on as a pupil. When did you first attempt suicide? I have attempted suicide five times in total. The last attempt was three years ago. The first one occurred in 2003, during my first year in China. They happen on a regular basis every two to three years and I am now worried that I’ll feel like doing it again. The feeling comes from being sick of pretending that I am alright and losing hope that life will ever feel good. People who are ready to commit suicide are not necessarily people with zero interest in life and have this passive attitude. It is people who want to live, go through the struggle of living but finally have lost any hope that things will feel any better. What are the triggers? It’s actually a constant drain. There are issues stemming from my childhood – I was raised to think that I myself was inherently evil, that there was something wrong with me and I constantly needed to make up for my existence. The feeling of wanting to commit suicide is this feeling of wanting to ruin everything – to be able to be in control and have the power to destroy it all. In some ways, it is like an itch that you need to scratch. And if you want to not act on this “itching”, you need to be very proactive about it. For instance, I signed up to “Better Help”, an online counseling service, assuming I would be able to access high-quality counseling, but it didn’t work very well for me – the counselors I was matched with didn’t know anything about living in China, they assumed all my problems came from living in China. You have to try many solutions before you can find one that works. For me, it feels like there are two different types of depression. One is “biological”, you are born with it. For example, in May and November, I know that I am affected seasonally by depression and that medication can help me weather these periods. But some of my mental health issues stem not from biology but from the things that have been said to me and done to me – the “trauma”. I have got to a stage where I am pretty aware of my trauma and aware of the negative thought and behavior patterns that I fall into – but I still struggle to get past them. I haven’t yet found a therapist who can understand me better than I can understand myself. What do you do for self-care? When I am feeling depressed, any sort of self-care is hard – even getting out of bed is hard! I can get motivated to take care of myself if I am held accountable by others; so I will make commitments for dinner with friends. I usually don’t really enjoy the process, but will be able to enjoy being with friends. I have to remove all obstacles to leaving the house or even my room – if I leave myself any options, I will ultimately talk myself out of it. I feel that it is a constant fight. Sometimes I even ask my friends to send a car round for me so that I will be motivated to leave. How do people respond to your mental health issues? I do now have very close friends, especially since the last suicide attempt because I needed people in order to cope. There is no toxicity in these relationships. I have got into the habit of sharing my struggles with my mental health early on in any relationship, in order for people to get an understanding of what they are dealing with. Society is now more open to talking about mental health. It used to be more complicated to open up to new friends or acquaintances about my mental state but now, people are actually drawn to each other because having someone with a personal complicated story means that talking to them could be a space to share your own. What you realize when you start disclosing your own struggle, is that everybody then opens up as well. Many people are now also very aware of their own boundaries and can express what they are and aren’t comfortable hearing when they are talking to someone who is struggling. I am lucky enough to have made amazing friends who can enforce healthy boundaries – we can help each other and monitor each other’s moods. It is a two-way relationship: I take care of them as much as they take care of me. How has learning to support your friends and yourself helped you professionally? As a teacher, I often come across teachers who are overwhelmed and under pressure. I noticed that this skill also helped me at work as a teacher: I am more capable now of handling overwhelmed parents with their kids. Right now in Beijing, there is no support that is accessible and the pressure to be a perfect parent with a perfect child is growing, which makes it hard to combine western parenting methods with this intense pressure. Parents are left alone and there is no possibility for them to admit “I am not ok”. I have been able to use my experience struggling with mental health to support some of the parents of the kids I teach, and that has been rewarding. How is attending a support group been helping you? When I first heard about the support group, I didn’t dare to go for several weeks – there was a requirement to be currently not having a severe depressive or suicidal episode before you could attend. I was worried I wouldn’t be healthy enough to attend or I wouldn’t fit in – but when I did, it was very helpful. People living with depression are often narcissistic – everything revolved around their need to be heard. But at the support group, finally, I felt not only heard but understood. As the others spoke, I thought, “Yes! I have felt it too!” The stories I heard resonated strongly with each other. Note of correction: the CandleX support group is open to people with severe depression at suicidal stage What should people expect from a support group? A support group is very different than the support you might get in a group of friends. There is less pressure to say the right thing, because the other people there aren’t friends and won’t be around after the hour is up. You don’t have to say anything you aren’t comfortable with – but it does help to be as open as you can, otherwise, you do risk just absorbing the energy of those around you. Interviewed by Helena from BARE We would like to invite you to read these articles from our community, and watch these videos CandleX has produced recently to bring awareness to suicide prevention: In the Moment of Blur | Sam's Story with Depression The Fine Line between Life and Death l Xiaojie's poem Suicide Prevention, CandleX BJ (Video) Signs | Suicide Prevention (video) If you know anyone that is struggling with depression or severe stress or are otherwise affected by the issues mentioned in this article, please direct them to the Crisis Support pages by clicking on ‘Read more…’. CandleX Mental Health Peer Support Group meets weekly and is a key resource for English speakers in need in Beijing. To learn more about the support group, you can take a look at our peer support review reports from the past few years. #mentalhealth #depression #suicide #Beijing #China #psychologicalsupport

Our latest piece in the One Model One Story series, written by Enoch Li, founder of Bearapy, is about Alice, who lives with bipolar disorder. The accompanying picture, ‘Alice’, by Spanish Photographer Pere Ibañez, is displayed throughout June and July at our Moodlab exhibit at Camera Stylo in Beijing, along with other work from the award-winning series. Name: Alice Liu Country of Origin: China Occupation: School Academic Officer Time in Beijing: 8 years Many Faces I want to be “normal” and live without medication. I like smiling all the time. I want to have the same hope and happy smile all the time. But I cannot. Underneath that smile – and indeed it felt somewhat weird to be smiling in the camera when given the opportunity – is frustration, loneliness, doubt, numbness, confusion, stubbornness, bouts of extreme energy and creativity, and anxiety. I am bipolar. It took me a long time of denial before I could accept I was bipolar. I used to think: “Oh lucky that I’m just having depressive episodes and am not someone who can never be normal.” I thought that at least if I was only depressed, then with anti-depressants, I could somehow live a “normal” life, instead of swinging from between extreme moods of hyperactivity and utmost despair. When I was first diagnosed, I thought that I was living with depression. But I did not acknowledge the other side of me and the other emotions that came with it. I attributed it to being “young” and not knowing what I was doing – I would get mad at people easily, burn bridges in relationships, whilst enjoying heightened creative moments for my PR job designing posters and writing content. Needless to say, I was a perfectionist too, I had immense trust in my capability and thought I knew it all. Then, I would crash. I would not be able to sleep. I would be shakingly anxious about my work and life, I would lose weight, not be able to go to work for a month, and sink into an unexplainable depression. I have lost count the number of times I sat on the window ledge, ready to take my own life and cease to become a burden on my friends and family. Thank goodness my husband was with me. Imagine the wildest roller coaster ride you have ever been on before, and then times it by 10,000 or more. That is how the emotions swing like a full force pendulum between depressive and manic episodes. Sometimes I do not even know if I can fully control myself. The complexity of emotions and thoughts in these different states of minds are overwhelming. Even though I want to be happy and smiling all the time, slowly I have come to learn that it is not realistic. In fact, all these emotions make up “Alice”. I have many faces, and so does every one of us. The key is to get to know these faces and emotions, and integrate so they are all part of you. Our inner theatre is more colorful than just a smiling face. As I journey through the zombie-Alice, the hyper-Alice, the irritated-Alice, the insecure- Alice, the doubtful-Alice, the hopeless-Alice, the joyful-Alice, the anxious-Alice, the numb-Alice, the over-the-moon-bubbly-Alice…. I find more meaning to myself and to life. With bipolar, I have found a purpose in what I could do and contribute by talking to more people about it, reducing the stigma, and hoping that more people will understand our states of mind. I am Alice, and I have many faces. Normal is overrated anyways. Author | Enoch Li Proofread | Katie Would you like to contribute writing on depression, bipolar or any aspect of mental illness? E-mail stories@candlex.cn to have your story featured. #mentalhealth #depression #bipolardisorder #Beijing #China #psychosocialsupport #moodlab #onemodelonestory

CandleX exists to support the Beijing community by raising awareness of and supporting people living with mental illnesses such and depression and bipolar disorder. As part of this, we publish stories and pieces of writing by members of our community in our ‘My Story with Depression’ Project. Do you have a story to share? Send an e-mail to stories@candlex.cn or write a comment below. A Death and a Rebirth – My thoughts on bipolar Diagnosis is simultaneously a death and a rebirth. How do you let go of the amazing highs? To be told that life will now be modulated by chemicals, specifically one chemical: lithium. I asked my doctor: is there a medication that would let me be in a permanently high state? I felt like I was the best version of myself - productive, energetic, social, creative, charismatic! But she said, what about the inevitable crash? Months of debilitating depression, psycho motor retardation, as my doctor calls the way that I slow down my thinking and movements and confine myself to bed. High functioning depressive I am not. Thatʼs not to say that those who are suffer less. In fact, perhaps that they can somehow keep it together means no one realizes how much they are suffering. Me, my life comes to a grinding halt, I canʼt generate new thoughts, ideas, the only comfort is rereading old books, the characters and stories I know so well. I canʼt think my way out of the depression. I go to hospital as a circuit breaker because I know that I canʼt kill myself, and yet all I want to do is be dead. All day long I go between these two poles and I canʼt pick a side, so I lay down on the floor, and I just stay on the floor, people donʼt know what to do. Do you just leave her be, sheʼs not hurting herself or anyone else? Or do you pick her up and put her back in bed, where sheʼs been for the last month. So itʼs off to hospital, to the locked down ward, into a room next to the ECT treatment room, itʼs not electrical shocks anymore they say, more like a brain reset. No you donʼt need that. Why? Am I not depressed enough? Later on I meet a guy who is having ECT and he is young and sporty and handsome. But the fucking black dog got him. Heʼs not someone I would have sat down and talked to in the real world, but here we are connected because we want to live and get back out there. So in many ways the psychiatric ward was a place of optimism, itʼs people at their weakest psychologically, emotionally, who are surrendering themselves, their freedom, so that they can be reborn. Take your meds. I am so compliant, lithium takes away the highs, but I fucking get it now, they make sure that the bottom doesnʼt fall out. And for the first while, I yearn for the highs, and I feel I have to live a small life, contained. And I am afraid of other people, of them finding out that I have bipolar and that I need to be on medication. Sometimes I want to just introduce myself with it, hi, I have bipolar. Get it out of the way. I think of it constantly, the bipolar. Slowly, gradually, I can now see more space around it, it doesnʼt take up all of me. And I am starting to see ways to live with it, small glimpses of the sun. Itʼs enough, I feel growth. Itʼs halting and slow, but I see the light. Anonymous submission Proofread by Lucy If this story impacted you, let us know in the comments below or by e-mailing stories@candlex.cn. Follow our account or get in touch to be added to our public wechat group to find out more about what CandleX does. Click on here to read more community submitted stories. #mentalhealth #bipolardisorder #depressionstory

30th March is Bipolar Awareness Day. To raise awareness, we are publishing another story in our Moodlab Series from model Curr, who lives with bipolar disorder. To see more photos and stories from the campaign, follow our Moodlab column. If you would like to share your story with the CandleX community in the form of poetry or writing, send an e-mail to stories@candlex.cn. Name: Curr Shi Country of Origin: China Occupation: Public Relations Specialist Time in Beijing: 2004-now Split, but all me: I am split. There is Curr, and there is “Shi tou” (Stone). Stone is the sensitive, insecure, emotional side of me. Curr has learnt to be happy, determined, positive, and accomplished. Curr keeps fighting. Curr wants to defeat Stone. Ever since I was little, the fight has been raging on. I had depression when I was a little girl, especially when I was preparing for the gao kao. The pressure from my studies was intense. Because of my family situation, I was raised by my grandparents, and my parents didn’t pay attention to me. I often felt lonely and isolated, like I had no parents at all and that there was no one to care about me or love me. So when I was suffering under huge pressure, I had no one to talk to about it. One of my darkest times was in the second of third year of high school. I tried to kill myself. I thought it was just depression and didn’t know what was wrong with me. I didn’t go to hospital and I didn’t tell anyone. But slowly, I know it was more than that. In the first stage, I fell into a depression. The second stage was different – I was full of energy. My life became very vivid, very active. But then, I would feel sad, like my life had no meaning. In the third stage, like now, there are the two sides of me. In the daytime, I’m very active. I feel happy easily and laugh a lot. I believe in myself. But at night, I always cry and cry and cry and can’t fall asleep. Usually, it will take hours for me to fall asleep at past 2am every day. And I just can’t stop crying, feeling sad and bad about everything. This is the dark me. I have to appear to make myself stable. Yet, Curr is only a façade I made up to mask Stone. Stone is the real me. I want to do something about this issue. I want to use this to express myself. I like art. When I didn’t take my pills, I write a lot. It is a gift in many ways - the creativity and the thoughts and the products of it. But it comes with a lot of suffering. In some ways, I feel lucky to have bipolar disorder instead of just the depressive episodes. When I take pills, I do feel more stable. My creativity comes when I am in my high mode of manic state. When I have to produce creatively, I try not to take my pills. I graduated in 2008 after studying International business and economics, but I did not choose finance because I was not good at anything related to numbers. So I chose PR and marketing, especially social marketing. In 2013, I got pregnant, and even though it was a peak time in my career, I returned to my family and I chose to leave the industry because I did not think I could balance both career and family. I had always felt that after giving birth to my baby was the darkest time of my life. At first it manifested as a deep depression, but as a year passed by, I realized that that I was hosting two selves in my body – the daytime Curr, and the nighttime Stone. Every winter I feel myself stuck in depression. I took advice from my doctor and I began to take pills to make myself stable. I also need to take pills to fall asleep. The trouble is, I cannot even tell my husband or parents-in-law. It is difficult, but I am lucky, I think I can deal with it. Life goes on. At least now I know myself better. The story and photo above are part of the “One Model One Story” series on bipolar disorder. By sharing the brave experiences of our community members, our goal is to help people affected by mental health issues become more open about their own feelings and improve the understanding of these, widespread problems. The fundraiser continues for the photo-album, which will be the most important result of the Moodlab Project. This book will feature all the photos and stories of the models, in addition to key facts about bipolar disorder. We appreciate any amount of money given. Read more about it and donate here: Bipolar Art Book Our partner from Bearapy (Founder: Enoch Li) is the magic behind the “One Model One Story” series. She conducted interviews with the models and created a heart-touching narrative from their words and experiences. You can follow Bearapy by scanning the QR code below. CandleX’s Resources Access the CandleX archive on depression and mental health Are you or a friend in a Crisis? Crisis Support CandleX Classroom https://www.candlex.cn/classroom Depression stories from our community members CandleX Column | My Story with Depression https://www.candlex.cn/my-story-with-depression A CandleX production on Depression The Tiny Little Box | A Documentary on Depression Bipolar Disorder Campaign MoodLab Book #B Support Group Support Group Sign Ups #mentalhealth #Moodlab #depressionstory

Name: Adia Hsu Country of Origin: China Occupation: Medical Student No judgment I dreamt my sister, the one I love the most, tried to kill me. That one night, I was in the room alone, in the middle of July, and we were supposed to turn off the lights for one hour to save electricity. I ran to hide in the corner of the room. I was only in high school then. There was a time I would cry every night before I went to sleep. I could not control my emotions, and suddenly felt helpless and hopeless. I would cry nonstop and did not even know why. I could not pinpoint the reason. I was so stressed during high school – we all were. I had a big problem with insomnia since I was 13, and went to the consultant in my high school, but it did not help much. Sometimes, I do not know if it was clinical depression or just stress. My parents did not know anything about this. I did not know how to tell them. I was always a good girl and a good student in front of them. I wanted to show them my good side and not have them worry about me. I would tell one of my friends, but even then, I did not feel she could understand me. And I am worried I will become a burden to her. I also do not want them to worry. As a Type A person, I get stressed easily, and nothing is ever good enough. If I have something important to do the next day, then the night before I get super anxious. Then it will affect my performance. These days I have learnt to resort to medicine to help me sleep as a preventative measure. I try also to do sports to help me relax. I try very hard, find ways to help myself. But sometimes I am still lost, and I do not always know how to help others. I went to Hong Kong for a month for one of my high school roommates was living there at that time, and she was suffering from depression. She wanted to kill herself. I was worried, but I did not know what else I could do. I just stayed with her, and told her she is still beautiful. I am there for her, whatever happens. Sometimes, that’s all I need too, to know that my family and friends will be there, whatever happens. With no judgment. ​​​​ Once again, we are bringing you another heart-touching story and a photo as part of the “ One Model One Story ” series on bipolar disorder. By sharing the brave experiences of our community, we will help the people affected by mental health issues become more open about their own feelings and improve the understanding of these, in reality widespread, problems among the society. The fundraiser continues for the photo-album, which will be the most important result of the Moodlab Project. This book will feature all the photos and stories of the models, in addition to key facts about the bipolar disorder. We appreciate any amount of money given. Read more about it and donate here Bipolar Art Book Our partner from Bearapy (Founder: Enoch Li) is the magic behind the “One Model One Story” series. She conducted interviews with the models and created a heart-touching narrative from their words and experiences. You can follow Bearapy by scanning the QR code below. #Chinadepression #Bearapy #schools #teenagers #support #mentalhealthstory #Moodlab #depression #teens

We will all encounter issues at some point in our lives. It may be the loss of a loved one, financial difficulties, or mental health issues. What I admire about people is the pieces of freedom we are still able to find during times of adversity, and use that space for self-expression and relaxation. When you are tied up, you can either try fighting it, or relaxing, taking a breath and finding your pace again. What do you see in this picture? What do you see in the robes and the spaces between them? On this year’s World Mental Health Day, on 10th Oct 2018, we present you to you the mental health stories seen through the lens of a mental health professional. Name: Sally Souraya Country of Origin: Lebanon Time in Beijing: 2015-2016 Occupation: Mental Health Professional Care Less I worked in two different hospitals in my capacity as an occupational therapist in a psychiatric hospital and a mental health advisor for cancer patients at a general hospital. In the general hospital, cancer patients were surrounded by family and friends, showered with care and support, with warmth and positivity for them to battle their disease. There are people everywhere for them. Despite the pain and tragedy of their illness, their lives are filled with love and encouragement. Unlike this, in the psychiatric hospital, patients with mental health problems were often deserted by their closest and dearest. Many of them abandoned to the mercy of the doctors and families, who reign over patients – people with mental health problems often had no say in the decision of how long to stay in the hospital. The cold and dark entwined their lives; their lives were not truly theirs anymore. Both kinds of patients were dealing with a challenge to their wellbeing, and yet cancer patients were received with care and concern, whilst patients with bipolar disorder were shut away due to embarrassment, usually of their own families who faced social stigma. What will people think and say about the person with bipolar? This was often a concern for families and affected their way of dealing with the person with bipolar. It also influenced the way this person was going to live their lives. As a result, some families tried to hide the person or keep them longer at the hospital. Having sadly witnessed this stigma and discrimination, I always wondered how this was commonly accepted. There are stories after stories about people being deprived of their autonomy and seen as having no capacity to make decisions about their own lives. Why was there a difference in the way people are treated, especially by their own families? People with mental health problems and cancer patients are both in pain, but the help they get is so different! Why the prejudice? It saddens me that some family members are simply not aware of how they can show support. People with mental health problems are not victims – they can be empowered to overcome their own challenges. I learnt so much from working with them: the grit and stamina they have to get through the adversities, the willingness to try their best with support, and the perseverance to get over the challenge. That is inspiration. Our role as therapists and as families is to LISTEN without judgment. Listen with open minds and sensitive senses. We need to see people with mental health problems for who they are, to understand what they are going through, and to trust that they know best about their situations. We need to be giving them their right to be actively involved in the decision-making related to their care and life. The image they portray in public may not be their best feet forward because of their struggles, and yet this one image seems to seal their fates. We judge them for that one thing, when the irony is that we are the ones who do not understand what they are going through. Who are we to judge? They deserve the same kind of care and treatment, and the right to decide for themselves how they will deal with their mental health challenges. We simply provide support and care. It is our responsibility to provide information and options and it is their right to choose and decide. Sometimes, just by being there, we are enough for them to live through another day. Another heart-touching story that accompanies a photograph as part of the “One Model One Story”. By sharing these brave experiences, we hope to encourage those struggling with mental health issues to become more open about their feelings and improve the community’s understanding of mental illnesses. The fundraiser is going towards the photo-album, another major part of the Moodlab Project. This book will feature all the photos and stories of the models; it will also feature some facts and stats regarding bipolar disorder for educational purposes. Nothing is too little- we appreciate all donations, big or small. You can contribute by scanning the QR codes below. Figure 1 Chinese QR Figure 2 English QR Our partner from Bearapy (Founder: Enoch Li) is the supporting organization behind the “One Model One Story” series. She conducted interviews with the models and created a heart-touching narrative from their words and experiences. You can follow Bearapy by scanning the QR code below. #mentalhealth #depression #bipolar #bipolardisorder #Beijing #China #psychosocialsupport

30th March 2018 Today is World Bipolar Disorder Day. We’d like to present you a model, a friend and the driving forces behind the One Model One Story initiative: Ugne Mikalajunaite After studying and working in China for nearly two years, Ugne has now moved back to Lithuania. However, she continues to be involved in a variety of mental health initiatives in both Lithuania and China. Ugne first joined CandleX as a model for the MoodLab project but quickly became a full-time volunteer and the coordinator of the project. She has also been living with bipolar disorder and anxiety for many years. These experiences not only taught her how to cope with her emotions and the world, but also inspired her to work in the field of mental health. Name: Ugne Mikalajunaite Country of Origin: Lithuania Time in Beijing: 2015-2017 Occupation: Content Marketing Going with My Mind Ecstasy. Energy. Aggression. Paranoia. Thoughts were speeding through my mind like cars on a highway. I thought I was on drugs. I could work at 200% without eating or sleeping for days. The rest of the world was too slow for me. It was too inefficient for my liking. It upset me that they cannot keep up. I would shout in rage; I would churn in such manic velocity; I felt like I could conquer the world. But alike the way engines run out of steam, I eventually come down from the high. It is never too clear when the manic episode ends, but after some days, I can tell myself “I’m normal” again. Funnily enough, it’s slight disappointing sometimes because I become significantly less productive. Then, I occasionally slip into a state of deep darkness. I do not want to talk to anyone, and my anxiety runs high. I break down. I panic. I have no energy left in me. I go into depressive thoughts and withdraw myself from the world. Sometimes it’s a bundle of conflicting emotions, sometimes it’s confusion and other times are just moments of passivity. I have learnt to be kind to myself to cope with these pendulum states. I do not freak out when my moods shift radically, but rather see it as part of my mind: I go with it. When the darkness fades, I try to eat more, setting alarms to remind myself. I may take a day off and go outside more. When the mania sets in again, I use the pulsating creativity to work. There is always a way out of the confusion. Another heart-touching story that accompanies a photograph as part of the “One Model One Story”. By sharing these brave experiences, we hope to encourage those struggling with mental health issues to become more open about their feelings and improve the community’s understanding of mental illnesses. The fundraiser is going towards the photo-album, another major part of the Moodlab Project. This book will feature all the photos and stories of the models; it will also feature some facts and stats regarding bipolar disorder for educational purposes. Nothing is too little- we appreciate all donations, big or small. You can contribute by scanning the QR codes below. ENGLISH Donation QR CHINESE Donation QR Our partner from Bearapy (Founder: Enoch Li) is the supporting organization behind the “One Model One Story” series. She conducted interviews with the models and created a heart-touching narrative from their words and experiences. You can follow Bearapy by scanning the QR code below. CandleX’s Resources Read CandleX psychoeducation articles to learn essential knowledge on depression CandleX Classroom https://www.candlex.cn/classroom Depression stories from our community members CandleX Column | My Story with Depression https://www.candlex.cn/my-story-with-depression A CandleX production on Depression The Tiny Little Box | A Documentary on Depression Bipolar Disorder Campaign MoodLab Book #B Support Group Support Group Sign Ups Support Group: Interview with the Beijinger

Marco. From the United States, has been living in Beijing for several years. He is working in business development, plays in multiple bands, and is an active supporter of mental health initiatives. He began as a support group attendee and later joined CandleX as a valuable volunteer who does community awareness events. Sharing your feelings with others does open many new opportunities in life. Name: Marco Brun del Re Country of Origin: The United States Time in Beijing: 2008-2017 Occupation: Business Development Safe Space Superficiality is all around us. The world seems to be all about winning. If we post something on social media that alludes to our struggles, we are criticized for being drama kings and queens, seeking for attention. The pull is to show only the good parts of life – but that is a very flat way of looking at the human experience. Life is not just about being happy. There is a full range of emotions and tensions and everything in between. We have no idea what people go through most times. I can only truly know my own experiences, the pitch-dark depression, and the out of breath mania. My smiles could be hiding a deeper agony. It is a huge risk to take to open up, to be honest, to be direct, and yet, this is what is needed. A space to engage with people on a deeper level of understanding, in compassion and in suffering. We could be empathetic and listen, but perhaps another way is to first open up with our experiences. Quickly, we find allies who know what it feels like and people who have been through the suffering and can relate. Sharing my pain was actually less of a focus on myself, but more on constructing a channel for others to express their similar pains. It creates a safe space to communicate without being judged. We are connected and can trust one another to hold each other’s backs. It is simply a place to talk, to connect, to share, and to encourage each other to soldier on. We can be the ones to create this safe space. Once again, we are bringing you another heart-touching story and a photo as part of the “One Model One Story” series on bipolar disorder. By sharing the brave experiences of our community, we will help the people affected by mental health issues become more open about their own feelings and improve the understanding of these, in reality widespread, problems among the society. The fundraiser continues for the photo-album, which will be the most important result of the Moodlab Project. This book will feature all the photos and stories of the models, in addition to key facts about the bipolar disorder. We appreciate any amount of money given. You can donate by scanning the QR code below. English QR Chinese QR Our partner from Bearapy (Founder: Enoch Li) is the magic behind the “One Model One Story” series. She conducted interviews with the models and created a heart-touching narrative from their words and experiences. You can follow Bearapy by scanning the QR code below.

We are receiving more and more articles about depression from the community, I have been touched every time I read a personal story. Most of the stories are told by those who have themselves experienced depression. Today’s story, from Nochy, illustrates the impact that depression can have on people around you, most specifically: your partner. Depression is not just a personal challenge. It places an unavoidable challenge on your most intimate relationship. Some fall apart, while others grow stronger. I very much like Nochy’s story for just how complete this article is, presenting all the typical thoughts that are bound to happen for those that deal with a partner in depression. I am deeply touched by the openness and honesty of her family story. At the same time, in between the lines, there is a lot of tolerance, understanding, support, care and love deeply evident. Read more, and let the beauty of human nature unfold at your fingertips. Everyone has a different situation, and those of us who have the blessing to have someone stand by us while we are depressed, be thankful, be grateful and feel the love for you. Yet, if a depressed person has a hard time, perhaps the partner next to him or her has an even more challenging time. I was lucky to have my boyfriend with me whilst I banged my head on the walls or cried for hours. And maybe for other partners and friends of depressed people out there, this might serve as an encouragement to stick through it till the end. Source: Creative Commons This is an interview with my husband, who took care of me in my depression and sickness, about how he felt during that period and how he coped: Did you know she was depressed at the beginning? How did you react at that time? How did you feel? At the beginning I knew something was wrong, but just thought it was stress or culture shock. At the time I just wanted to find a solution and was happy for Noch to stop going to work etc. I felt frustrated because I couldn’t make her better, and any logic I tried to use when speaking with her seemed to fall on deaf ears. What was your reaction when Noch diagnosed with depression? I think I was relieved, because once diagnosed I felt we could start to treat the illness properly. I didn’t have any problems with her having depression, for me it was just a sickness like having the flu. I even joked with her that all celebrities etc. have depression and need therapy and it is quite trendy to be depressed. What was the effect on your daily life? The effect on my daily life was the biggest impact and was a challenge to deal with. Noch would burst into tears and have severe mood swings that I didn’t know how to deal with. I tried to say the right things, but it hardly ever helped. Then I would get frustrated and sometimes lose my temper and become angry. I’m a positive person and the worst part of all for me was that Noch would bring my mood down. I would get up and be excited about the day, but she just wanted to die, this was very hard for me to reconcile. The migraines and associated physical illnesses also made it difficult for me. Sometimes I would have to leave work or a party and rush home to take care of her. One time I came home and found her semi conscious at the bottom of the staircase. I didn’t know if she had fallen, hit her head or what happened, so I had to carry her to a taxi and get her to the hospital. The other hardest thing for me to do was to put Noch’s needs first. So even if I was at an amazing party having the time of my life, if Noch called and needed me I had to leave immediately without even saying goodbye to my friends. This took a bit of time to get used to without feeling resentful, but once accustomed to it, I felt a sense of responsibility I’d never felt before and it helped me grow up. How did you feel? Overall I just felt frustrated. There really wasn’t anything I said that helped the situation. I just had to be there. When the therapist first said Noch would need a year of treatment I thought that was way too long and must be an exaggeration. In the end, it did take a year. How did you cope? I had hope. Eventually I learnt to manage the situations as best as was possible. So even if we had to rush to the hospital, I may take a few extra minutes at home to pack myself a few books or change into comfortable clothes. This made it easier for me to deal with the long stays in hospital. I learnt to watch for signs that a migraine was coming and take steps to avoid the triggers, and pack medicine and water all of the time. Also I learnt what treatments I could offer her. When she was crying and wanted to die and couldn’t sleep it was useless for me to tell her that everything would be OK and that life was worth living. She just couldn’t see my point. Instead I learnt to distract her with fairy tales and stories I would make up. I would sing her to sleep with nursery rhymes and relax her with massages. Did you want to give up? Why did or didn’t you? When Noch and I were on totally different wavelengths and she was bringing me down and I felt resentful then I wanted to give up. I think I kept on saying to myself, ‘Let’s give it one more month and see how she is” and I managed to get through. I was confident that it was a temporary situation. I had known Noch for 1.5 years prior to the depression and she was such an amazing person, I knew that with time she could get back to that point. I also felt like the depression would make her stronger and act as a catalyst to make her even greater, and so was maybe a necessary evil. We lived together and had just moved countries together and were therefore in a committed relationship. So this helped too as I was committed to taking care of her no matter what. I think if it had been a less serious relationship I may not have been able to stick with it. Source: choosehelp.com What advice would you give to other people whose partners have depression? This is a tough question and it depends on the type of relationship and the stage of the depression. Firstly, you need to seek medical advice and treatment through medication and therapy. Be prepared to be taking medication and therapy for at least a year. We were very lucky in the fact that our insurance covered the medical bills and after trying a few therapists we found a very good one. I advise doing single (for each partner) and couple therapy and don’t settle for a therapist who you are not comfortable with. Dealing with depressed people takes a lot of energy and commitment, you need to be prepared to put that person first and be in it for the long term, i.e. you need to be in love. Love will get you though! If it is not a relationship built on true love and commitment, then I would advise caution in being involved with a depressed person. If you do decide to end a relationship with a depressed person, I would also suggest you seek advice from a professional on how to end or manage the relationship. Obviously a sudden breakup with someone who is depressed could exacerbate the situation and there are risks of suicide etc. This is my tribute to all the partners out there taking care of a depressed other half, without you all, we would have been long gone. It’s even harder for you I must imagine, taking care of someone else, but you too, are not alone in this struggle. Today’s story comes from Nochy, who sees herself as a gigglepot, a perfectionist, a bossy wife, the Bearalist, a fan of Dr Seuss, and an expert in making fish face impressions. Occasionally she works as a play consultant and writes about mental health issues, based in Beijing Originally published on NochNoch.com #depression #mentalhealth #bipolar #China