文章由作者 秦小杰 （心理咨询师，心理治疗师）用中文写作，后经deepseek翻译成英文，秉持： 写作初心和来访咨询故事写作原则 . This article was originally written in Chinese by  Qin Xiaojie  (Counselor and Psychotherapist), and later translated into English with DeepSeek, adhering to the author’s  original intent and principles of writing about client stories . 作者： 秦小杰 Author: Xiaojie Qin  时间：2025年12月 Time: Dec 2025  The Exhausted Manager: The Tyrant "I have so many responsibilities. I can't stop. Doing well is simply what's expected, and failing deserves criticism." Xuanxuan sat across from me and offered this answer when I asked why she couldn't rest, even in exhaustion. Within Xuanxuan's mind lives a part that functions like a relentless inner driver, perpetually pushing her forward without allowing a moment's breath. It is a stern, demanding presence—a ceaseless supervisor. In the language of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, it is called a  Manager . For Xuanxuan, this Manager is exceptionally powerful, operating as an almost unchallengeable inner director that controls nearly every aspect of her life. As someone living with bipolar disorder, Xuanxuan's Manager embodies the  highly functional, driven pole of her emotional experience—the side that keeps her moving even amidst inner storms (a theme explored in Chapter 1: Xuanxuan's Polarized Life ). She longs to pause, but the Manager won't allow it—a painful tension we will come to understand in Chapter 2: Xuanxuan - But I Can’t . After several well-intentioned interventions fell short, I realized I needed to shift my approach. As her therapist, I stepped back from trying to "fix" and instead returned to my own core  Self —the calm, curious, compassionate center we all possess. It was from this place that I could begin to truly witness and understand Xuanxuan's inner landscape (the focus of Chapter 3: Meeting Xuanxuan's Self ). 疲惫的管理者：暴君 “我有很多责任要履行，我不能停，做好是应该的，做不好是该受批评的”——璇璇坐在我的对面，当我好奇她为什么疲惫也不能停下来时，她这样说到。 在璇璇的内心，有一个部分一直推着她跑，不让她喘息，这个部分非常严厉、苛刻，起到时时刻刻监督管理的角色。这就是内在家系统治疗（简称IFS）理论中的“管理者”。旋旋的 管理者 非常强大，几乎是一个不容置疑的‘ 暴君 ’，时时不停的管控一切。对于一个有双相情感障碍的来访璇璇来讲，这就是 她双相风暴中高功能（来访璇璇的第一章） 的一面， 她想停，但停不下来（来访璇璇的第二章） 。 作为她的咨询师，多次干预受挫后，我回归到我的 “真我”去了解璇璇（来访璇璇的第三章） 的内在体验。 The "Tyrant" Was Trying to Prevent a Disaster But why does this "Tyrant" part hold such absolute power? IFS provides a framework for understanding, and in our sessions, the profound answer unfolded through our exploration. Xuanxuan loves her children with all her heart. She cares for them tirelessly, yet the smallest parenting lapse can plunge her into a vortex of crushing self-blame. During our 21st session, I proposed what seemed a straightforward goal: to soften the intense shame that followed these minor mistakes. To my surprise, the typically cooperative Xuanxuan hesitated. A shadow of doubt crossed her face—it was as if she wasn't sure she  wanted to feel less distressed. I was stunned. We had hit an unexpected wall. What followed was ten minutes of palpable inner struggle. Finally, her gaze fell to her lap. "I can't," she whispered. "What if... if I'm not hard on myself, if I let my guard down... what if I become violent like my father?" Her words pierced the room, instantly connecting to a confession from months prior. In our 11th session, she had shared a buried truth: years ago, in a rage she couldn't contain, she had struck her husband. There was another memory, even more difficult to voice—a moment of excessive punishment toward her child that’s too painful to recall. Behind her compassionate smile and relentless care for others lived what she called  "the Brute", a part that could erupt when her own unprocessed childhood trauma was ignited. In that moment of clarity, I understood. Xuanxuan's inner  Tyrant’s  harsh rule—the constant self-criticism and rigid control—was the only force it believed could keep the Brute at bay. To her entire being, on a gut-deep level, letting the Tyrant stand down felt like a direct threat to her family's safety. This wasn't a logical assessment, but a profound, trauma-forged conviction: that without its harsh control, ruin would follow. Her hesitation was the work. A part of her was terrified of what "getting better" might mean. On a subconscious level, her logic was tragically sound: to heal meant to lower her guard. To lower her guard meant the rigid rules would loosen. And if those rules loosened... what then? The entire architecture of control, built over a lifetime to keep a devastating chaos at bay, would be at risk. The fear wasn't of wellness, but of what wellness might unleash. It all crystallized into one core, haunting question:  "What if I become like my father?" ‘暴君’是想避免灾难 但为什么‘暴君’部分如此强势？IFS有一个理论的答案。而在我们的咨询中，通过探索自然浮现出来。 璇璇很爱自己的孩子，她在能力范围内，去照顾他们，但也会经常因为自己的一些微小的失误，过度自责，陷入高度自责和内疚感中无法自拔。当我们在第二十一次咨询中，我提议将我们的工作短期目标里，添加一个降低因育儿小失误而产生的过度情绪反应，一个再常见不过的目标了。一向合作的她异常犹豫，她似乎不确定自己想不想去改变目前情绪反应过度的状态。 我一下愣住了，没有想到我们会在这里“卡壳”。 接着十几分钟的探索，她内心经历着肉眼可见的矛盾。最后，她低着头说：“不行…如果我对自己不严厉，如果我放松了控制，我变得和父亲一样暴力怎么办？” 这句话瞬间连接起我们第十一次咨询时，她才透露的秘密：几年前，在一次与丈夫的激烈争吵中，她曾有过失控的肢体冲突，也有过一次对孩子的让她无法启齿的过度体罚。那个总是带着社交微笑、有着超强助人意愿的人，内心也住着一个会在创伤被激发时夺权执政的‘ 暴徒 ’。 璇璇内心的‘暴君’ ——那个不断进行自我批评、实施着严苛控制的部分——深信唯有它的铁腕统治，才能天下太平。对她整个生命存在而言，在一种近乎本能的深度感受中， 让‘暴君’退位，感觉上无异于直接威胁到她家人的安全。 这不是基于逻辑的判断，而是一种由创伤锻造出的、根深蒂固的信念：一旦失去这种严酷的控制，灾难必将降临。 她的犹豫，本身就是疗愈工作的一部分。 她内在的一部分，对于“变好”可能意味着什么，感到深深的恐惧。在潜意识层面，她的逻辑具有一种悲剧性的“正确性”：康复意味着放下戒备，放下戒备意味着那些僵硬的规则将会松动，而如果规则松动了……然后呢？ 所以，当我提出‘我们做些工作，来缓解你过度的内疚和自责’时，一种莫名的恐惧在她心中升起。这种恐惧在一个以强大为豪的来访身上，通常很难察觉，本人更是无法轻易言说。璇璇的对情绪反应调整的犹豫，指向一个更深的信念：她穷尽一生构建的、用以防范内心混乱的整个控制体系，正面临坍塌的风险。这个潜藏的恐惧，最终在她那句反复萦绕的自我拷问中，找到了它最精确也最痛楚的表达： ‘万一我变得像我父亲一样怎么办？’ The "Brute" Is Actually a Firefighter Let's get to know this "Brute." From the perspective of IFS, this seemingly destructive part is actually understood to be a loyal  Firefighter — when buried pain is about to breach its dam, it takes over the system at all costs. It engages in wildly extravagant shopping sprees or seemingly irrational physical conflicts, using these intense experiences to forcibly mask or suppress the pain. Its logic is simple and extreme: extinguish the fire immediately, no matter the cost. Even the numbness and detached dissociation of depressive episodes are a mode of operation for this Firefighter. When overstimulation becomes unbearable, it "pulls the plug," switching the system into a low-power, dormant state. Therefore, Xuanxuan's Firefighter always operates between two extremes: either the frantic firefighting of  hyper-arousal or the complete shutdown of hypo-arousal . This corresponds precisely to the loss of one's window of emotional tolerance — in the storm, Xuanxuan could no longer stay within a moderate level of arousal that allows oneself to function sustainably. ‘暴徒’实际是一个“消防员” 我们来认识下这个‘暴徒’吧。这个看似极具破坏性的部分，在IFS的视角下，却被理解为一个忠实的“ 消防员 ”——当深埋的痛苦即将冲破堤坝，它便会不顾一切地接管系统，可以大手笔完全不计后果的疯狂购物，似乎失去理智的肢体冲突等，用这些强烈体验来强行掩盖或抑制痛苦。它的逻辑简单而极端： 不惜任何代价，立刻把火扑灭 。即便是抑郁期那种麻木、隔绝的解离感，其实也是消防员的一种工作模式：当过度刺激无法承受，它便通过“拉闸断电”的方式，将系统切换到低耗能的休眠状态。 因此，璇璇消防员的行动模式总在两个极端间摆荡：要么是过度激醒(hyper-arousal)的奋力扑救，要么是低度激醒(hypo-arousal)的彻底封闭，这正对应着一个人情绪耐受窗的失守——在风暴中，璇璇已无法停留在 适度的唤醒水平内 。 Two Protectors, One Sacred Duty: Shielding the Exile. Although their methods may appear extreme, the harshness of the Tyrant and the explosiveness of the Brute are guided by a shared, desperate loyalty. Their mission is to shield the system's most vulnerable core: the  Exile . This is the wounded child who carries the earliest, deepest pain. She is the little girl who grew up in a home overshadowed by violence. She witnessed years of cruelty, absorbing the fear and helplessness that filled the air. Even with a small backpack on her shoulders, she herself became a target of her father's rage. Those experiences etched fundamental beliefs into her being:  I am not good enough and I am unworthy of love . Alongside these painful truths, her heart also holds vast, unprocessed mountains of anger—a silent storm waiting within. ‘暴君’、‘暴徒’终究保护‘流放者’ 虽然内在的“暴君”和“暴徒”有极端倾向，但他们行为背后，其实最终想要保护的，是那个最底层的部分“流放者”——童年遭受家暴的受伤小女孩，她目睹了多年母亲被肢体和语言暴力，她还是一个背着小书包的姑娘时，就被父亲暴力对待，内心刻下“我不够好”、“我不值得被爱”核心信念的部分，同时，她的内心也有堆积如山而未被处理的愤怒。 In the next chapter, 5 th  installment of Xuanxuan’s therapy story, I will use a real dialogue from our session to show how, in just over ten minutes, the interplay of Xuanxuan's three inner parts allowed her to vividly re-experience the emotional storm of her "bipolar" reality. 下一章，即璇璇咨询故事的第五章，我将通过一段咨询室内的真实对话，来呈现璇璇的三个内在部分是如何在短短十几分钟内交互作用，让她从切身体验中，再次活现出其“双相”的情感风暴。

At CandleX, we were first introduced to the complex reality of abusive relationships through the courageous stories shared in our !!!!!!!!!! Mental Health Peer Support Group . Over the years, our peer group meetings have been privileged to support a number of individuals who felt isolated, conflicted and ashamed on their own journey. In 2023,  Xiaojie , a Psychotherapist and the Director of CandleX, created a series of five psychoeducation videos after providing a few rounds of in person group therapy for survivors in Beijing, and she continues to provide individual therapy support. The goal is to offer knowledge and support for the challenging transition period after leaving an abusive relationship, because the journey toward healing requires sustained courage. In this article, we invite you to listen as Xiaojie introduces the topic of "The Aftermath of Leaving an Abusive Relationship," focusing on one of the key psychological experiences: the cognitions of survivors. A full transcription of her talk is provided below. Xiaojie 2023 Leaving an abusive relationship is a traumatic event that can have long-lasting psychological and physical effects on survivors. As a psychotherapist who works with survivors of abusive relationships, I have witnessed first-hand the devastating impact that these relationships can have on individuals and families. However, I have also observed the incredible resilience and strength of survivors who are able to rebuild their lives after leaving an abusive partner. If you are a survivor, I want you to know that recovery is more than possible, and you can still achieve your dreams just as some of my clients have. With the consent of my clients, I have written articles sharing our therapy process and its outcomes on this topic. You can find the link to my article here in the description. Through my work with clients, I have found that many survivors feel isolated and alone in their experiences. That’s why I decided to provide some insights into ‘the aftermath of leaving an abusive relationship’. In my therapy practice, I use a combination of approaches, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I will explore the symptoms of abusive relationships from a CBT framework, separating symptoms into the categories of thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and physiological reactions. If you, or someone you know, has experienced an abusive relationship, please forward this video series to them. Project A also provides substantial subsidies to those in China seeking therapy (Project A is inactive right now). In my next video, I will discuss the thought patterns commonly experienced by survivors. Xiaojie 2023 Thoughts | The Aftermath of Leaving an Abusive Relationship Welcome back to my channel. If you have experienced abuse in your relationship, you may be carrying traumatic symptoms across all four categories of the CBT framework: thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and physiological sensations. In this video, I will focus on how survivors of abusive relationships often struggle with their thoughts. Rumination One common symptom is rumination, which is the obsessive replaying of abusive experiences and analyzing what could have been done differently. This fixation on the past can be a sign of trauma and can leave you feeling stuck and drained. This pattern of thinking can even manifest in nightmares related to the abuse. While this is a natural response by our innate system to clear itself of trauma, it could operate on an isolated pattern or a frozen pattern, which leads to stagnation in your healing process. Therapy approaches like eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) can help manage PTSD symptoms and lead to healing. Doubting Your Own Judgments “I don’t know what to believe.” I heard it from my clients over and over again. This is a common symptom of doubting your own judgments or feelings ( what is emotional abuse? ). Abusers will often use two-stage tactics in relationships, the first of which is a period of wooing to establish trust and emotional dependency, and then they seem to change so dramatically and demonstrate abusive behaviors, leaving you feel confused. As a result, you may feel like they can no longer trust your own feelings or judgments after being manipulated or gaslit. This can lead to feelings of helplessness and a lack of agency. Rebuilding self-awareness through therapy can help alleviate these feelings of doubt. Being at War With Yourself You may also struggle with conflicted emotions about positive memories of the abuser. Even after ending the relationship, it is common for you to feel torn between positive memories experienced together and negative associations. This internal conflict can feel like being at war with yourself, and may even lead to invalidating your own positive feelings in order to justify leaving the relationship. This complex process requires social and professional support to help navigate and ultimately move forward. In my next video, I will move on to explore the another category of the CBT framework: emotions. To learn more about Recovery of Abusive Relationship, please read our compilation article on this topic:  Healing From Abuse | World Trauma Day 2025 . If you are recovering from an abusive relationship, you can also use our resources at CandleX below.

Updated on Dec 2025 Moving to a new country, going through a breakup, losing a job, or living with mental conditions can be very challenging. Yet, there’s no reason to suffer alone when one can choose to join hands with others and let the power of connection and group support encourage and heal us. In the absence of such social support in Beijing, CandleX established the peer support group in October, 2015, with the goal to provide psychosocial support to the Beijing community. It provides a safe and supportive environment for people to share personal thoughts and experiences in small, confidential gatherings. To understand this project, or if you’d like to read our 1 st , 2 nd  and 3 rd  year support group review, please visit our support group page . CandleX other available resources: If you are in a crisis, please seek a professional immediately at the same time. Your will find useful information on our  crisis page . If you’re more interested in how to navigate the mental health world and get more information on how to get support or get treatment for you or someone you know, please check out our  pretreatment guidance program. If you are looking for professional support, you can check out  Xiaojie Qin , our director and psychotherapist’s page. Peer Support Group Key Information Peer support group participants: our support group meetings are for people living with mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety or suicide ideation. The support group is especially effective for newcomers who find themselves in a situation of lacking social support, experiencing shame and guilt of having depression or people who present an elevated risk of mental illness. Date : Every second and fourth Tuesday of the month (in-person) Time : 19:30-21:00 Location : Near Dongzhimen Beijing (Details will be communicated via WeChat after 4 pm, the day before each meeting) Language : English Max Number : 7 people each session Fee : 88rmb, 30rmb for students, financial aid is available for those going through financial difficulties  For registration and enquiries, please reach and send a message to the support group coordinator (Email: parapraxis_01@yahoo.co.uk  WeChat: OU102024)  Peer Group Principles: We gather to share our stories and feelings, help and give each other emotional support when dealing with difficult emotions and to recognize the importance of tending to and promoting our own self-care. We use guided meditation and breathing exercises to create a  safe, peaceful and comfortable environment  for sharing. We shall not be held responsible for group member’s safety.  We all are peers. There are no professionals in this group. CandleX will not be responsible for people engaging in self-harm or suicidal ideations.  By signing up to the peer support group, I understand and agree to release CandleX and its staff or volunteers from any or all liability connected to my own participation, including, but not limited to any forms of self-harm or suicide. Confidentiality:  All information shared with the group is strictly confidential. Some information only related to the group dynamics and facilitation may be used for an internal debrief between facilitators and the Support Group manager to improve the quality of sessions and to empower others to set up support groups during facilitator’s training. No graphic description  of suicide, self-harm and death as it may trigger some of the attendees. Please note that this is a  Peer Support Group , there will be one facilitator throughout the session to monitor the progress of each session and facilitate group interactions; no professional therapists will be attending. We have a  WeChat group  (that you may join after attending at least one meeting) where you would be informed of Beijing community mental health events, as well as other information that might be helpful for your recovery. Community Contribution:  We conduct regular internal debriefing between facilitators and the Support Group manager to ensure continuous quality checking, learning and improvement. Additionally, we offer facilitator training programs to empower others to establish their own groups. During these training and debrief sessions, we handle information related to group dynamics and facilitation with sensitivity and care. If you have  any concerns or feedback  of the support group, we welcome you to let us know by emailing it to xiaojie.qin@candlex.cn. The concern would be handled sensitively directly by CandleX’s director. All information could be found on our website under ‘ Get Help ’.

To better understand Xuanxuan's story, please consider reading the previous two articles first. 此文是“来访璇璇咨询故事”的第三篇，为“内在家庭系统治疗（IFS）文章系列-秦小杰著”的第五篇。请阅读璇璇咨询故事的前两篇，文章为中英文 Xuanxuan's Polarized Life | Internal Family Systems Therapy (3) 来访璇璇：高功能外表下都双相风暴于咨询困局 Xuanxuan: "But I Can't" | Internal Family Systems Therapy (4) 来访璇璇：我都知道，但做不到 Author:  Xiaojie Qin  (Psychotherapist) Time: Oct 2025. Beijing “I Know, But I Can't."  This was the dead end Xuanxuan (the client) and I (the therapist) reached after exhausting "top-down" therapeutic approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)—methods that primarily rely on logic, cognition, and analysis to facilitate psychological intervention. As her therapist, I began to doubt how else I could support her. In moments of frustration, I reminded myself to return to the most fundamental tenets of my profession: deepening my case conceptualization, seeking supervision, continually adjusting my own approach, focusing on each faint sign of her progress, and stubbornly anchoring my belief in the possibility that "we will eventually break through this impasse." 作者： 秦小杰 （心理治疗师，心理咨询师） 时间：2025年10月北京 “我都明白，就是过不好这一生 ”  ——这是我和璇璇在将认知行为疗法（CBT）等“自上而下”（ 在心理学中常指通过逻辑、认知和分析来进行心理干预的方法 ）的咨询方法穷尽之后，共同走入的一个死胡同。 做为她的心理咨询师，我也开始怀疑自己还能如何帮助她。每当感受到挫败，我知道必须回到最基本的专业素养：深化个案概念化、督导，持续自我调适，专注于她每一点微弱的好转，并固执地将信念锚定在“我们终将突破瓶颈”的可能性上。 Xiaojie 2025 The Emergence of the "Self" in Meditation: Internal Family Systems Therapy (the Big S) Yoga and meditation are daily practices I rely on for self-regulation. Had it not been for that immersive one-month yoga and meditation retreat in Thailand back in 2014, the following year’s pivotal turning point—founding  CandleX —would not have happened. Since then, this routine has become deeply rooted in my life, a fundamental practice for grounding and self-awareness. I naturally bring this meditative practice into my preparation for therapy sessions. Whenever I feel tangled by a challenging case, I return to this inner stillness to regain clarity. Closing my eyes and anchoring my attention on my breath, I sometimes touch a spacious silence beyond the noise of thoughts—like an airplane ascending through heavy clouds: no matter how fierce the storm below, above the clouds there is always a clear, boundless sky. And within each of us, beneath the churning clouds of mental clutter, lies that same serene and steady stillness. The essence of the "Self" in IFS is just like this sky I encounter in meditation. As a therapist with ten years of meditation experience, I had already sensed a deep resonance with the heart of IFS before I formally encountered it. When I first learned about IFS, it felt like meeting an old friend I was always destined to know (see “ A Gentle Intro | Introduction to Internal Family Systems Therapy (1)  ”). IFS refers to it as "the Big S"—a concept that intersects with what other traditions and schools of thought have called "wise mind," "adult self," "true self," or "higher self." At this point, you may sense that IFS has certain connections to religion, philosophy, and spiritual practice. Xiaojie sharing her mindfulness experience at a conference in 2016 冥想中，家庭系统治疗（IFS）之「真我」的浮现 瑜伽（ Meeting Myself on the Mat | Xiaojie's story with Yoga ）与冥想，是我每日例行的自我调节方式。没有2014年在泰国那一个月沉浸式的瑜伽冥想之旅，就不会有第二年我人生中的重要转折——创立 CandleX 。自那时起，这个习惯便根植于我的生活，成为我静心与自我觉察的基础心灵保养。 冥想练习，我也自然地带入心理咨询准备工作中。每当内心被咨询中难解的结所困，我便回到这样的沉淀之中，重返内在的澄明。当我闭上眼睛，将注意力锚定于呼吸，有时能触及一种超越思绪纷扰的广阔宁静——如同飞机穿越厚重云层，无论下方是怎样的风雨雷电，云层之上，永远是一片清澈无垠的天空。而我们每个人的内心，无论有多么纷繁嘈杂的乌云，在其深处，都存在着那片安宁、恒定的晴空。 IFS中所说的「真我」（Self），其本质正如同冥想中我所体验到的这片天空。作为一名有十年冥想习练经验的咨询师，我在接触IFS之前，早已与它的核心精神产生共鸣。初次了解IFS时，我便有一种遇见命中注定的老朋友般的熟悉感（请见“ 温柔的前奏｜内在家庭系统治疗简介（1） ”）。IFS用“大写的S”（The Big S）来指称它，这与许多流派和灵性传统中所描述的“明智心”（wise mind）、“成熟自我”（adult self）、“真我”（true self）、“高我”（higher self）等概念相通。讲到这里，大家也许会感觉到，IFS这个流派和宗教、哲学以及灵性修炼有些粘连了。 五台山舍利塔 2025 The Broader Landscape of IFS: Between Science and Spirituality Those familiar with the history of psychology know that modern psychology branched off from philosophy about 150 years ago, attempting to study the human mind through scientific methods. Yet every school of psychology is built upon fundamental philosophical assumptions—such as the classic "nature versus nurture" debate—whose underlying premises are often difficult to fully validate through science alone. One such assumption is that of IFS: that every person possesses an innate and wise core, the "Self." From a neuroscience perspective, IFS represents a typical "bottom-up" approach to psychological intervention—meaning it works from bodily sensations, emotional experiences, and other foundational signals—standing in direct contrast to the "top-down" method of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which I routinely practice (for real-life illustrations of the limitations of CBT, see the second article in Xuanxuan's series:  Xuanxuan (2): I Know, But I Can't ). The development of IFS by its founder, Dr. Richard Schwartz, is itself a story of extending from scientific empiricism toward the reality of the human spirit. Trained rigorously in systemic family therapy, Dr. Schwartz initially operated from a purely scientific and empirical worldview. He was accustomed to understanding human struggles as results of systemic dysfunction and approached treatment by objectively observing and analyzing family interaction patterns, then designing interventions to alter those patterns. It wasn't until the 1980s, while working with patients suffering from eating disorders, that he reached an impasse. He kept hearing clients say things like, "A part of me makes me binge, and I hate that part." This resonated with his systemic training. He began to view the individual's inner world as an "internal family" and started engaging in dialogue with the "part that caused the bingeing." To his surprise, when he approached this seemingly destructive part with respect and curiosity, it began to reveal its protective role: the binge eating was an extreme strategy to shield the client from deeper pain—intense self-hatred or fear of abandonment. More crucially, he found that when he guided clients to connect with the vulnerable, wounded part being protected, the "bingeing part" would relax its grip, no longer needing to intervene so drastically. Throughout this process, Schwartz repeatedly witnessed that no matter how severe a person's trauma, there seemed to remain an untouched, core essence within them—characterized by calm, curiosity, and compassion. Healing naturally unfolded when approached from this place, known in IFS as the "Self." This discovery led him, once a staunch materialist, to embrace the spiritual dimension of human inner experience. IFS的宏大图景：在科学与灵性之间 了解心理学历史的人知道，现代心理学在约一百五十年前从哲学母体中分离，试图用科学方法研究人的内心。然而，每个心理学流派都始于一些基本的哲学假设（例如关于人类发展经典的“先天与后天之争”），这些底层假设往往难以用科学完全证实。IFS的假设——即人拥有一个天生的、充满智慧的「真我」核心——便是其中之一。而从脑神经学的角度，IFS就是一个典型的“由下自上”（指从身体感觉、情绪体验等底层信号入手进行干预）的心理干预方式，和我常规使用的“自上而下”的认知行为治疗刚好相反（关于认知行为的局限性在实操中的体现，请看来访璇璇咨询文章第二篇： 来访璇璇 (2)：我都知道，但做不到 ）。 IFS的创始人理查德·施瓦茨（Richard Schwartz）博士，创立IFS的这个过程，就是一个从科学实证走向心灵真实的故事。 作为一名受 系统式家庭治疗 严格训练的咨询师，理查德·施瓦茨最初的世界观是纯粹科学和实证的——习惯于将人的问题理解为系统功能失调的结果，治疗流程上，从外部观察、分析家庭互动模式，并设计干预措施来改变这些模式。 直到上世纪80年代，他在治疗进食障碍患者时陷入困境，反复听到来访者说出这样的话：“有一个部分让我暴食，而我恨那个部分。”这句话触动了他作为系统治疗师的敏感。他转而将来访者的内心也视为一个“ 内在家庭 ”，尝试与那个“导致暴食的部分”对话。令他惊讶的是，当他以 尊重 和 好奇 靠近那个看似破坏性的部分时，它竟开始表达自己背后的承担：原来，暴食只是一种极端的 保护策略 ，目的是帮助来访者逃避更深层的痛苦——比如强烈的自我憎恨或被抛弃的恐惧。 更关键的是，他发现当引导来访者去接触那个被它保护着的、脆弱受伤的内在部分时，那个“暴食的部分”便会自动放松下来，不再需要以激烈的方式介入。在这一过程中，施瓦茨一次次见证到，无论一个人的创伤有多深重，他们内在似乎始终存在一个核心的、未曾受伤的所在——它自然具备冷静、好奇与慈悲。只要从这个被称为「 真我 」的位置出发，疗愈便会自然展开。 这个发现，让他从纯粹的唯物主义者，衍生出拥抱人类内在的灵性维度。 This story resonates deeply within me. My own growth trajectory, like that of many others, began in a world predominantly constructed by rationality. During my student years, I excelled in mathematics and science. My rigorous logical thinking not only earned me an opportunity to pursue advanced studies in Belgium free of charge but also helped me obtain a Master's degree in Development Evaluation and Management with distinction. In my professional career, I started as a project coordinator and, through clear thinking and solid execution, gradually advanced to the position of "Monitoring and Evaluation Specialist" in a well-known reputable international organization. Xiaojie on IOB magazine Belgium 2011 However, this lifestyle heavily reliant on "top-down" thinking, though precise and efficient, gradually revealed its mechanical nature—life seemed reduced to a precise yet cold algorithm, where any intuitive impulses or crucial emotional cues in important decisions were selectively ignored. Precisely because of this, while strictly following the "optimal life path" I had designed, I repeatedly found myself sinking into depression, forced to hit the pause button on life. Mianyang Sichuan 2025 It wasn't until I began consistently practicing meditation and actively developing those neglected "innate qualities" that my life underwent a transformative change. I started to “surf life”—no longer struggling against the waves of life but learning to sense their power and dance with them. All of this has solidified my belief: the most  "advanced technique"  a therapist can employ is precisely the therapist's own  well-integrated and healed self.  Without the support of inner wisdom and genuine personal experience, any school's techniques are rootless. For me, IFS is not just a therapeutic model—it validates the personal growth I have undergone, both for myself and for my clients. This profound personal experience is equally reflected in my professional journey. My second Master's degree was in Counseling at Monash University in Australia. Beyond its reputation as a renowned counseling program, another reason for choosing it was its primary focus on "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy." In the early stages of my therapy career, CBT's simple and elegant framework was clear, structured, and aligned with my thinking habits. But soon, I reached its limits. It was this sense of limitation that propelled me to explore "bottom-up" approaches to psychotherapy, including Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), hypnotherapy, and Internal Family Systems (IFS). 这段故事，在我心中激起了深深的共鸣。 我个人的成长轨迹，和很多你我一样，同样始于一个由理性构筑为主体的世界。学生时代，我在数理学科中表现出色，严谨的逻辑思维不仅为我赢得了远赴比利时免费深造的机会，更让我以优异成绩获得了「发展评估与管理」高级硕士学位。职业生涯里，我从最初的项目协调员起步，凭借清晰的思维和扎实的执行，一步步走向国际组织中的“项目监测与评估专家”岗位。 然而，这种高度依赖“自上而下”思维的生活方式，虽精准高效，却也逐渐显露出它机械的一面——生命仿佛被简化为一套精密却冰冷的算法，任何直觉的涌动、重要选择上至关重要的情绪线索，都被我选择性忽视。也正因如此，当我严格遵循自己设计的“最优人生路径”前行时，却数次走入抑郁的困境，不得不按下生活的暂停键。 Xiaojie Beijing 2025 直到我开始坚持冥想，主动去发展那些被忽略的“天性”，我的生活发生了天翻地覆的变化。我找到了一种前所未有的“冲浪感”——不再是用力对抗生命的浪潮，而是学习感知它的力量，与之共舞。 这一切让我坚信：一个咨询师所能运用的最“ 高级技术 ”，恰恰是 经过深度整合与疗愈的咨询师自身的强大的“真我” 。没有内在的智慧与真实的体验作为支撑，任何流派的技术都只是无根之木。IFS于我，不仅是一个流派，它更验证了我一路走来的个人成长——无论是我的，还是我的来访者的。 这份深刻的个人体验，同样映照在我的专业道路上。我的第二个硕士学位，就读于澳大利亚莫纳西大学心理咨询专业，除了它是澳洲知名心理咨询硕士项目外，另一个原因是它主要教授的就是“认知行为治疗”，在咨询职业初期，CBT简单优美的框架非常清晰、有条理，符合我的思维习惯。但很快，我触及了它的天花板。正是这份局限感，推动我探索“自下而上”的心理治疗方式，包括 眼动脱敏与再加工治疗 （EMDR）、 催眠 ，以及我内在家庭系统治疗（IFS）等。 小杰柔术训练中：一种“自下而上”的自我修炼 The Treasure in IFS: The 8C Qualities of the “Self” How can we recognize the "Self"? Different cultures and faiths envision it through various forms—perhaps as Christ, as a Bodhisattva, or as Allah—embodying the  exact same qualities as the “Self” . In the context of IFS,it’s perceived as a  state of being . When a person is grounded in the "Self," they naturally embody eight core qualities, summarized as the "8Cs": Curiosity : A genuine, non-judgmental interest in every part of one's inner world. Calm : A profound inner peace that remains steady even amidst emotional storms. Clarity : The ability to perceive and understand complex internal states without being clouded by emotions. Compassion : Deep care and understanding for one's own suffering and that of others. Confidence : A sense of certainty that arises from within, independent of external validation. Courage : The willingness to face and touch upon inner wounds and fears. Creativity : The capacity to respond to life's challenges with flexibility and openness. Connectedness : The experience of deep connection with oneself, others, and the larger whole. These 8Cs are not virtues we must strive to build, but rather the natural radiance of life that flows through us when our internal system is led by the "Self." They are the inherent brilliance of the "Self," already whole and complete. IFS中的珍宝：真我的8C品质 如何辨认“真我”？不同的文化与信仰以不同的形象描绘它——或许是基督，是菩萨，是真主。而在IFS的语境中，我们不借助具体形象，而是通过一种存在的 状态 来感知它。当一个人处于“真我”之中时，会自然地呈现出八种核心品质，它们被概括为“8C” (2) ： Curiosity（好奇心） ：对自己内在的每一个部分都抱有真诚的、不评判的兴趣。 Calm（平静） ：一种深层的内在安宁，即使在情绪风暴中也能保持镇定。 Clarity（清晰） ：能够清晰地感知和理解内在的复杂状态，不被情绪所混淆。 Compassion（慈悲） ：对自身和他人的痛苦抱有深切的关怀与理解。 Confidence（信心） ：一种源于内在的、不依赖于外界评价的笃定感。 Courage（勇气） ：敢于直面并触碰内在的伤痛与恐惧。 Creativity（创造力） ：能够以灵活、开放的方式应对生活中的挑战。 Connectedness（连接感） ：体验到与自身、他人乃至更大整体的深刻联结。 这8C并非需要努力打造的美德，而是当我们的内在系统由“真我”领导时，自然流露出的生命状态。它们是“真我”本自具足的光辉。 内蒙古2024 Roll with the Forces: Moving Through Therapeutic Stagnation Thus, I began to integrate this practice into my work with Xuanxuan—not only during our sessions but also in my preparation for each meeting. There were days, I sat down on my mat, intentionally engaged in loving-kindness meditation, gently bringing her image to mind, visualizing her body gradually relaxing and her expression softening into peace. Through visualization exercises, I pictured her finding ease in both her work and parenting, her life improving tangibly. What began as a notably challenging practice evolved to a point where, upon closing my eyes, these positive images would arise naturally. 2024 Beijing These exercises and preparatory work allowed the countertransference I had previously experienced—the confusion, frustration, and unease—to gradually dissipate, replaced by a calm curiosity. For a therapist, this is one of the most precious gifts IFS offers: it gently yet powerfully helps us settle our own emotional turbulence. As I learned to see her "Self" in my mind's eye, I became better equipped to guide her in session to connect with that ever-present, whole essence within her. This shift from "fighting against parts" to "facing them with curiosity" lies at the very heart of IFS work— learning to unblend from the parts, pivoting from fighting them to being curious and compassionate about them. It is the shift from being the part to observing the part. 2024 Beijing Xuanxuan's emotional world was like a completely unbalanced seesaw, rarely finding stable middle ground. At the high extreme, she seemed driven by an invisible  tyrant (a Manager) , transforming into a perpetual motion machine that couldn't stop, forcing herself to juggle countless tasks simultaneously—this wasn't genuine vitality, but a relentless, driven anxiety. In the depths of depression, it was as if water had been thrown on that overheating machine  (a Firefighter) ; she would completely shut down, entering a forced state of hibernation, powerless to respond to any external stimuli. Two mutually exclusive and hostile parts within Xuanxuan had revealed themselves. In the next chapter, I will reconstruct segments from our sessions to help you understand these two key parts:  the Manager and the Firefighter. 以柔克刚：内关中突破咨询瓶颈 于是，我尝试将这样的修炼融入与璇璇的工作中——不只在咨询室内，也包括在每一次为她准备咨询时。除了思考方向，我会特意进行慈悲冥想（love and kindness meditation），将她的形象轻柔地带入心中，观想她的身体逐渐放松，面容趋于平和；我通过视觉化练习，想象她在工作与教育子女中都找到一份从容，生活得到切实改善。这个练习从最初非常困难，到后来只要闭上眼睛，那些积极的画面便能自然呈现。 这些练习与咨询准备，让我之前所体验到的困惑、烦躁与不安的反移情渐渐消散，取而代之的是一种平静的好奇。而对咨询师而言，这正是IFS最珍贵的馈赠之一——它以柔和而有力的方式，协助我们安顿自身的情绪波澜。当我能在心灵之眼中看见她的「真我」，我也就更能够在咨询中引导她去触碰那个始终存在的完整本质。 小杰北京亮马河2015年 这种从“对抗部分”转向“好奇面对部分”的转变，正是IFS工作的核心——学会与各个部分解离（unblend from the parts），从对“抗转”向“好奇”，这是从“作为那个部分”到“观察那个部分”的转变。 旋旋的情绪世界，像一架彻底失衡的跷跷板，几乎从未找到过稳定的中间地带。在 情绪高涨的极端 ，她仿佛被一个看不见的 暴君（管理者） 所驱使，化身为无法停止的 永动机 ，强迫自己同时处理无数事务——那不是真正的活力，而是一种被无形之力裹挟、无法停息的焦灼。而在 抑郁的深渊 中，那台快烧起来的永动机仿佛被浇了水（ 消防员） ，她彻底陷入宕机，进入一种 被迫的休眠 ，无力回应任何来自外界的刺激。 璇璇内心的两个互相排斥和敌对的部分显现出来。下一章我会还原我们咨询中的片段，带大家理解 管理者和消防员 这两个关键部分。 Notes: This article was originally written in Chinese by the author and subsequently translated into English with the assistance of Deepseek. The expanded explanation of the 8Cs here was elaborated by Deepseek. This article is published with the client's informed consent, adhering to the Xiaojie’s Intentions and Principles for Writing Therapy Stories. This piece is the third installment in the "Therapeutic Story of Client Xuanxuan" series and the fifth article in the "Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy Article Series - by Qin Xiaojie." 备注: 作者用中文写作，后经Deepseek翻译成英文。 此处8C的延展解释，由Deepseek完成描述。 文章由来访同意授权后发表，秉持 《咨询故事写作初心和原则》 本文中所涉及的个案分享，已获得来访者的事先知情同意。为最大限度保护来访者隐私，所有个人识别信息均已进行深度匿名化处理。本文旨在分享心理学知识，任何案例均不具备唯一对应性，请勿对号入座。

We want to extend our heartfelt congratulations to SENIA on a profoundly impactful conference 2025. Thank you for gathering so many talented minds and creating a vibrant community dedicated to learning and connection. It was our honor to present at this year’s conference. Following the resounding success of our workshop at the  SENIA Conference 2025  in Beijing, we are thrilled to share a glimpse into the unique experiential learning model that defines a Candlex session. On 28 th  Nov 2025 , the workshop presenter,  Xiaojie Qin , Psychotherapist and Director and CandleX, together with around 25 senior leaders from across the education sector gathered for a 75-minute journey into  Mental Health for Leaders , at  Keystone Academy Beijing . The Candlex Difference: No Two Workshops Are Alike Without a single PowerPoint slide , the room was transformed into a dynamic space for authentic connection and profound reflection. "I couldn't even if I tried!" Xiaojie joked. While many workshops focus on delivering pre-packaged content, our approach is fundamentally different.  Each workshop is unique, and no two are the same, even when we deliver on the same topic.  We began not with a theory, but with stories and reflection, immediately drawing participants into a personal and shared exploration of the leadership experience. As Xiaojie shared two true stories from the front lines of leadership, key themes emerged organically. These were captured in real-time on the board, creating a living mind-map of the group's collective wisdom. The focus was on self-awareness and self-management of the very traits that make leaders effective, yet can also lead to burnout if left unexamined. Building Trust in a Shared Space Despite most participants being strangers, the carefully crafted environment of psychological safety and the power of shared experience fostered incredible openness. Xiaojie has a decade of experiences working with groups, including mental health peer support groups, abuse survivors therapy groups, workshops groups with parents and teens group therapy, which contributes to our inch of cultivating a environment that fosters openness.   The discussions were not just theoretical; they became a conduit for leaders to connect on a human level, sharing their challenges and insights with remarkable strength. It was a powerful reminder that community is a core component of well-being. Key Features of CandleX Workshop This workshop exemplifies what Candlex brings to organizations/companies/embassies: Adaptive & Spontaneous:  We tailor the session in real-time to the needs of the people in the room, ensuring maximum relevance and impact. It’s a norm that we do not have PPTs for most sessions. The content is co-created by the participants and the presenter. Experiential & Discussion-Based:  We move beyond lectures to create genuine "aha" moments through guided reflection and peer learning. Safe & Confidential:  We specialize in building containers of trust where authentic, and sometimes vulnerable, sharing can occur, leading to deeper learning and connection. Focused on the Human Element:  Our goal is to equip leaders with the self-awareness to sustain their energy and well-being, which in turn enhances their leadership capacity. The feedback was clear:  Leaders left feeling seen, refreshed, and equipped with practical perspectives for their personal and professional lives. They didn't just learn about mental health; they actively engaged with their own. If you are looking for a workshop that goes beyond check-the-box training to foster genuine growth, connection, and sustainable leadership practices, we invite you to connect with us. CandleX also runs a profound non-profit sector, offering extensive psychosocial support activities, online education, and public awareness campaigns. Explore our resources below to learn more.

中文在文章后半部分 This article was originally written in Chinese by Qin Xiaojie (Counselor and Psychotherapist), and later translated into English with DeepSeek, adhering to the author’s  original intent and principles of writing about client stories . The case study presented in this article was shared with the client beforehand and published only after obtaining their written informed consent following their review. To maximize the protection of the client's privacy, all personally identifiable information has been thoroughly anonymized, and certain non-essential details have been fictitiously adapted. This article aims to share knowledge of psychology; no case is uniquely correspondent to any specific individual, and readers are advised not to identify with the content personally. Author:  Qin Xiaojie  (Psychotherapist) Time: 2025 Beijing From Brokenness to Reconstruction For two years, Xuanxuan and I established a rhythm of face-to-face sessions in the Beijing consulting room. The path of therapy is never a straight line, especially in the beginning; it often felt like taking three steps forward only to take one step back. During the most difficult periods, her depression would intensify so suddenly that she couldn't attend sessions for a whole month. However, it was a comfort to me when she once shared, "My doctor (in the hospital) said that my overall state is better when I'm in therapy with you, and I should keep coming." As a therapist, this feedback felt like a meaningful validation from a fellow professional.  Yes, our work was indeed progressing, slowly yet tangibly. The frequency of her suicidal ideation decreased, and she was able to maintain basic life and work functioning during depressive episodes. I had been deeply concerned that her periods of depression—which clouded her ability to work—might put her job at risk. Yet, in an increasingly challenging economic environment in China, she reached a point where  she almost no longer needed to take mental health leave.  She even began attempting financial planning, developing a more realistic sense of money, and her compulsive shopping gradually lessened. These were crucial safeguards for her and her family's livelihood. It was like plugging the biggest leaks in a boat taking on water—only then could it hope to sail steadily again. "I Know, But I Can't": The Barrier Between Cognition and Behavior While these improvements were encouraging, a year since we started, progress on some deeper emotional reactions and behavioral patterns seemed to hit a plateau. "I know, but I can't "—this phrase became the central paradox of our work. In the early stages of our sessions, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) was my primary framework. This is a classic "top-down" intervention—from a neuroscience perspective, it works by engaging the cerebral cortex (especially the rational and logical  prefrontal cortex ) to regulate and manage the  limbic system  responsible for emotions and memory. CBT is a structured, relatively fast-acting method. It helped us build a stable cognitive and behavior foundation without directly delving into traumatic memories, which was significantly beneficial in the short term. Image created with the assistance of Deepseek. But it also has clear limitations ( Xiaojie on Cognitive Behavior Therapy: A Therapist's Honest Take ). As therapy progressed, CBT’s marginal effects diminished, particularly for individuals with significant trauma histories. This is because traumatic experiences are primarily encoded in  non-verbal somatic sensations  and  emotional memories , stored mainly within the brain's  limbic system , specifically structures like the  amygdala  and  hippocampus . Adjustments based purely on logic and cognition often fail to reach the core of such trauma. This is also why profound psychological reconstruction (healing) ultimately requires repairing trauma rooted in bodily feelings and emotional memory — it needs a different pathway.  Experience  is the most direct way to ‘converse’ with the psyche at this level. Experience: a ‘Dialogue’ with the Limbic System During a period when Xuanxuan was relatively stable, she was able to be ‘productive’ in her various roles as a mom, a wife, and an employee. She described in one session the technique of ‘harsh words’ as self-talk was quite ‘effective’. For some people, a degree of self-discipline is necessary; we need it. But after more than twenty sessions with her, I recognized this as a sign of activated trauma at play. In that moment, I didn't praise, question, or directly present my analysis of the roots of this pattern. Instead, I summoned (really tried) my own curiosity to better understand her internal process. I invited her to explore it with me—not through logic reasoning, but by attending to the  physical sensations and images  that arose. The Felt Sense: A Bit "Woo-woo" Indeed "Where in your body do these 'harsh words' you just mentioned live?" I asked. "Here, in my chest," she said, pointing to it. "What do these words look like?" I asked. "Like a cassette tape, playing on a loop." She answered. "Good. Now, imagine taking that tape out of the player. Replace it with a new tape. This new one has recordings of kindness, gratitude, and love." I guided. She began to frown. Her body grew stiff, her breathing rapid. Sitting across from her, the stagnation I observed resonated with a thick, almost physical, resistance. My body tensed up a little as well. However, I kept my silence, in hope that she just needed a little more time. But unexpectedly, she said, "I can't... I can't put that tape in." I sat back, the weight of the moment settling on me with the realization of just how arduous this work of trauma repair truly was. This wasn't the only time this happened in our therapy room. Self-praise  was impossible. Many sessions with clients start with their own reflection of their week. One time, after Xuanxuan summarized her week, I noticed her progress. "That's truly wonderful. Before, you'd only realize after placing the order. Now you mention you can put items in the shopping cart first. I believe that's a difficult shift, and you've done really well." Sitting opposite me, it was as if she didn't hear my words. To help her internalize this positive feedback and build her capacity for  self-praise , I gently asked if she could repeat the words back to me. Yet, all she could say was, "I was just fulfilling my responsibility." “Still, it’s not an easy progress. Are you proud of yourself, even just a little?” I tried again. “No.” She replied, fast and firm. Can you imagine how that felt for me, sitting across from her? Yes, this was the therapist's countertransference—I felt a flicker of frustration and even impatience. For between-session therapeutic practices, I suggested she practice self-encouragement: writing down one small success each day and placing it in a jar. Although she expressed willingness, she never followed through. So, during one session, I placed a tea caddy on the table and invited her to write a note and put it in right then. She sat across from me and said, "I can't." We tried a few times; she wouldn't pick up the pen, let alone write or place anything inside. The room grew very quiet. She fell silent, and I allowed myself to sit in that silence, feeling my own confusion and discouragement but not get carried away by them. My intention was to gently pull her a little up from the bottom of that well. But as we began, I was once again confronted with just how deep that well was, and how arduous the deep layer of healing process truly would be. I needed other tools. Shared Space, Different Work: Client and Therapist As the therapist, I stood on the safe shore, equipped with theoretical maps that clearly showed the route to the other side. Like with my other client, Rose, ( Rose's Breakthrough | Internal Family Systems Therapy (2) ), Xuanxuan was the one in the boat, battered by the towering waves of depressive and manic episodes. Her entire will was focused on clinging to the gunwale, fighting the nausea just to survive. Steering a course was a luxury far beyond her reach. In my work with Xuanxuan, I repeatedly reviewed and revised her treatment plan with my supervisors in Australia and China, while continually deepening my foundational therapy skills and learning other therapeutic techniques. I proposed to Xuanxuan that we incorporate more experiential methods into our work. She was willing to try. It was through these experiential approaches, specifically utilizing the core concept of " Parts " from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, that we finally managed to break through the impasse. The key to unlocking this profound impasse came from an unexpected place: the language of 'Parts' in IFS. In the next article, we'll explore how understanding and empathizing with each piece of herself began a slow, tender process of reassembly. This article is the second installment in the series about the therapy client Xuanxuan, and fourth article in the series on Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy by Qin Xiaojie. For the beginning of Xuanxuan's therapeutic journey and her initial state, please refer to the first article:  Xuanxuan's Polarized Life | Internal Family Systems Therapy (3) . This article was written in Chinese by the therapist and later translated into English using DeepSeek. It is published with the client's consent, adhering to the author’s  original intent and principles of writing about client stories . 文章由作者秦小杰（心理咨询师，心理治疗师）用中文写作，后经 deepseek翻译成英文，秉持： 写作初心和来访咨询故事写作原则 。 本文中所涉及的个案分享，先发送给来访者，经其阅读后获取书面知情同意后发表。为最大限度保护来访者隐私，所有个人识别信息再进行深度匿名化处理，并已对部分非核心情节进行虚构改编。本文旨在分享心理学知识，任何案例均不具备唯一对应性，请勿对号入座。 作者： 秦小杰  (心理治疗师，心理咨询师) 时间： 2025年北京 裂痕中的微光：在破碎与重建之间 两年间，我与璇璇在北京的咨询室里，建立起一种有节奏的面对面工作关系。咨询的轨迹从来不是一条直线，尤其在初期，常常是走三步、退一步。最艰难时，她会因抑郁突然加剧而整月咨询也没来。然而，令我欣慰的是，有一次她告诉我：“医生说，我在你这里做咨询的时候，整个人的状态要好一些，让我坚持来。” 作为一名咨询师，这是来自同行的，我最珍视的肯定。 是的，我们的工作确实在缓慢而真实地推进。她的自杀意念出现的频率降低了，在抑郁期也能维持基本的生活与工作功能。在日益严峻的中国经济环境下，我曾深深担忧她因无法履行工作职责而失业，经过心理咨询，她几乎不再需要请心理精神科病假；她甚至开始尝试财务规划，对金钱有了更真实的感知，购物行为也逐渐减少。这对她和家人的生活是至关重要的保障。这就像一艘漏水的船，先堵上最大的漏洞，才可能继续平稳航行。 “我知道，但我做不到”：横亘在认知与行为之间的壁垒 这些改善都可喜可贺，但一些更深层的情绪反应和行为模式的改善，咨询在一年多后，似乎进入了平台期。 “我知道，但我做不到” ——这句话成为我们工作中最大的悖论。 在我们合作初期，认知行为疗法(CBT)是我使用的主要框架。这是一种典型的“自上而下”的干预——从神经科学的角度看，即是通过调动 大脑皮层 （尤其是负责理性与逻辑的“ 前额叶 ”）来调节和管理负责情绪和记忆的 边缘系统 。CBT是一种结构化、见效相对迅速的方法，它帮助我们在不直接深入创伤记忆的情况下，先建立起稳定的认知基础和行为修缮，这在短期内收益显著。 但它也有着明显的局限（ 心理咨询师的坦白局：跟认知行为治疗的那几年 ) 。 随着咨询的进展，CBT边际效应递减，特别是一部分经历过较多创伤的群体，因为创伤体验主要被编码在非语言的 躯体感受 和 情绪记忆 中时，主要存储于大脑的“ 边缘系统 ”，尤其是其中的 “杏仁核” 和 “海马体” ，仅凭逻辑认知的调整，往往难以触及核心。这也是为什么，深层次的心重建，实际是在更深层的、根植于躯体感受与情绪记忆的创伤修复，它需要不同的路径去触及—— 体验 ，则是一种最直接跟这个层次进行心灵对话的方式。 体验：是大脑边缘系统的对话方式 在她状态相对稳定的一段时期，某次会谈中，我们回顾她近期的自我管理方式。她描述自己如何用尖锐的、近乎惩罚性的内在语言不断驱策自己前行。从表面上看，这种自我鞭策仿佛是一种高度自律；对许多人而言，适度的自我要求也确是 功能良好的表现 。但与她工作二十余次积累的直觉告诉我，这并非普通的自律——这是一种 创伤被激活的生存状态 。 那一刻，我没有称赞或质疑她，也没有直接分析这些模式背后的成因。我调整了自己，从好奇的角度出发，邀请她再次 体验 这个过程，并同时分享给我。 体验：是有点“神叨叨”的 “你刚刚说的‘这些刻薄的话’，在身体哪里住着？”我问。 “在胸口这里。”她指着自己的胸口。 “这些话长的样子是什么？”我问。 “像一盘磁带，一直在播放。”她回答到。 “很好。现在，想象你把这盘磁带从播放器里取出来。换一盘磁带，这个新的磁带上，都是温柔、感激和带着爱的录音。”我引导到。 她开始皱眉头，身体变得僵硬，呼吸急促。我在对面能感受到那种卡顿的状态，也将我的气一下叼了起来。那一刻，我选择了乐观，保持着沉默，相信她的内心只是需要一些时间。但出乎意料的是，她说：“我做不到…这个磁带放不进去。” 当时，引导她更换磁带的初衷，是想帮她从这口深井里往上拉一点。但她内心某个沉重的部分却将她牢牢钉在原地，这让我再次真切体会到，这场心灵救援的工程是何等艰难。 这种情况不止一次的在我们的咨询室里发生。 我跟来访的咨询，常会以他们回顾当周的生活工作开始。一次，璇璇总结了下她一周的生活工作状态，我看到了她的进步。“真棒，以前你都下完单了才反应过来。今天你提到，你现在可以先把东西放到购物框里了，我相信这是很难的一个转变，你做的很好。”她坐在对面，仿佛听不到我说的话，为了增强她自我赞美的能力。我请她复述我讲的肯定，她却只能说：“我只是尽到了责任而已。”“这也是很不容易的事情，你有没有一丝的自豪？”我再次尝试。“没有。”她快速而坚定的回答到。你可以想象坐在对面的我是何种心情吗？是的，这是咨询师的反移情——我不理解为何复述会如此困难，甚至感到些许沮丧和不耐烦。 我也给她布置过“作业”进行自我鼓励：将每天做好的小事写下来放入罐中。尽管她表示愿意尝试，却从未完成。于是有一次，我在咨询中直接放置了一个茶叶罐，邀请她当场写下一张纸条放入。她坐在对面，说：“我做不到”。我们尝试了几次，她都不拿笔，我写字，更别提往里放了。咨询室里，变得很安静，她不讲话，我也允许自己在不语中感受自己的困惑和沮丧。 每次我使劲把璇璇往上拉时，她内心有一个部分都用绝对力量保持这原地不动。在这几幕场景中，我都在跟一个“严厉的监督者”交锋（一个战略性的失误），并且屡战屡败。这个部分并非理性的自我管理，而是她在童年为应对一个有家庭暴力的环境，所分裂出的一个保护部分，此刻正被熟悉的压力再次唤醒。深层次的疗愈的过程是多么的艰巨（要看到心理咨询工作的效果，必须我和璇璇初次碰面时，那种支离破碎的状态为起点，请先阅读：来访旋旋： 高功能外表下的双相风暴与咨询困局｜内在家庭系统治疗（3) ），我应该需要用别的工具。 同在一个空间：咨询师和来访的体验和功课并不同 我，做为一名咨询师，站在安全的岸上，凭借理论地图，能清晰地指出去往彼岸的航线。跟我的另一位来访蕊芬一样，在黑暗中，她看不到路（ 来访蕊芬：从黑暗到光明的意向转变 ）。而旋旋，她是那艘在情绪惊涛骇浪中几近倾覆的小船的亲历者，抑郁期和躁狂期的巨浪一次次将她淹没，她的全部意志都用于紧抓船舷、对抗呕吐感以求生存，无力奢谈航向。 跟璇璇的咨询，我多次跟我澳洲的督导师、国内的督导都复盘修改她的咨询方案，并且不断加深自己的咨询基础技能和其他咨询技巧的学习。逐渐的，我跟璇璇提议，之后用更多体验的方式工作，她愿意尝试。而这种体验方式，我就使用了“ 内在家庭治疗（IFS) ” 的最核心的“部分”得意突破瓶颈，下一篇章，我会详细阐述。 此文是“来访璇璇咨询故事”的第二篇，为“内在家庭系统治疗（IFS）文章系列-秦小杰著”的第四篇。璇璇的咨询起点以及状态请见第一篇，来访旋旋： 高功能外表下的双相风暴与咨询困局｜内在家庭系统治疗（3 ） 。作者用中文写作，后经Deepseek翻译成英文。经来访同意后发表，秉持 咨询故事写作初心的原则 。

中文在文章后半部分 文章由作者秦小杰（心理咨询师，心理治疗师）用中文写作，后经deepseek翻译成英文，秉持： 写作初心和来访咨询故事写作原则 。本文中所涉及的个案分享，先发送给来访者，经其阅读后获取书面知情同意后发表。为最大限度保护来访者隐私，所有个人识别信息再进行深度匿名化处理，并已对部分非核心情节进行虚构改编。本文旨在分享心理学知识，任何案例均不具备唯一对应性，请勿对号入座。 本文为内在家庭系统治疗（IFS）文章系列的第三篇，您可点击下方阅读前两篇： 内在家庭系统治疗 (IFS) 简介 来访蕊芬：从黑暗到光明的意向转变 (Full article is available in Chinese in the latter part of this document) This article was originally written in Chinese by Qin Xiaojie (Counselor and Psychotherapist), and later translated into English with DeepSeek, adhering to the author’s original intent and principles of writing about client stories . The case study presented in this article was shared with the client beforehand and published only after obtaining their written informed consent following their review. To maximize the protection of the client's privacy, all personally identifiable information has been thoroughly anonymized, and certain non-essential details have been fictitiously adapted. This article aims to share knowledge of psychology; no case is uniquely correspondent to any specific individual, and readers are advised not to identify with the content personally. This article is the third installment in our series on Internal Family Systems Therapy. You can read the previous articles by clicking the titles below: The Gentle Intro | Internal Family System Therapy (1) Rose's Breakthrough | Internal Family Systems Therapy (2) Author:   Qin Xiaojie Time: 2025 Beijing The Beginning: A Stiff Smile, A Shattered Inner World On a summer day in 2020s, Xuanxuan walked into the counselling room in Beijing and sat down across from me. Despite the severity of her depression, the corners of her mouth were still pulled upwards into a polite, yet heavy, smile—as if to spare me the full weight of her burden. But her body told a different story: her movements were stiff, like a marionettes, and her fingers trembled slightly between words, especially when she held a pen. She was in the worst phase of her life. Depression had eroded her ability to function—she struggled with responsibilities at work and found it difficult to return after a holiday. By all external measures, she had an enviable career, and a lovely family. Yet, she was also a client experiencing  mild to moderate suicidal ideation at that time . Fortunately, she was already under the care of a psychiatrist and receiving regular psychotherapy from the Chinese hospitals. This medical support was the essential foundation that allowed our work together to begin. As her therapist, I understood the ethical necessity of this safety net; I could not ethically support a high-risk client without it. The Aware Yet Wounded: A "Veteran" in Psychological Distress Xuanxuan was no novice to psychological work. Before coming to me, she had two years of psychiatric treatment, had been on medication, and had participated in both individual and group therapy. These interventions had been vital. She was fluent in the language of therapy, using terms like "regression" to describe her state and displaying clear insight into how her family of origin affected her. From her accounts, I gathered that previous therapists had likely employed psychodynamic approaches, focusing heavily on cognitive adjustment. Around our one-year mark, she received a preliminary diagnosis from her doctor: Bipolar Disorder. When she was functioning well, Xuanxuan was exceptional—meticulous and responsible at work, a devoted mother and wife who silently shouldered family financial pressures without complaint when needed, and a supportive figure for friends and even strangers. But during one session, using a visualization exercise, she described her inner world: "I feel like I'm carrying so much on my back that I'm already hunched over, yet I keep adding more." Her sense of responsibility, kindness, and drive came at the cost of profound self-depletion. She was intellectually aware of how her perfectionism consumed her. Anxiety manifested in compulsive behaviors—repetitive cleaning and uncontrollable shopping sprees, especially during low moods, where she would buy things she didn't need, losing all sense of the monetary reality, completely disconnecting from the financial reality of her actions. She knew this compulsive spending was a maladaptive strategy to cope with emotional tsunamis, one that was eating away at the family's finances and threatening its stability. Yet the pattern remained stubbornly entrenched. During depressive episodes, she became paralyzed. "I did nothing all weekend, just lay in bed, sleeping or scrolling on my phone," she'd say. "I don't want to see my children. I have no energy for them; their presence irritates me." Her world seemed muted, wrapped in a concerning "sense of separation." "When I walk on the street, I don't notice cars until they are very close," she described—a clear sign of derealization dissociation, the mind's way of insulating itself from unbearable pain. This dissociative quality was palpable in our sessions. Even when recounting childhood domestic violence, her tone remained flat, as if narrating someone else's story. It reminded me of a client from my therapy group for survivors of domestic violence I had facilitated years ago (memories documented in  A Snapshot of Project A’s Group Therapy | The Therapist’s View ). That client had little memory of her childhood—a form of  dissociative amnesia —until one session when she suddenly recalled being sexually abused as a child, recounting it with the same eerie calm. What truly gripped me during those early days with Xuanxuan was one simple mindfulness exercise. I asked her to look out the window and tell me what she saw. Gazing outside, she said softly, "I see many people jumping from the building across the street." In that moment, I felt as if I were standing at the edge of a deep well, having accidentally dropped a stone and waiting an eternity for the faint echo from the depths. The well was deep—so deep it stole my breath. Beneath her calm surface a world shattered into pieces. This is where we began. Our work would not be to dismiss the fragments, but to understand each one. The next article explores how IFS helped us listen to the voices within the shatters. 作者： 秦小杰 时间：2025年北京 起点：僵硬的微笑，破碎的世界 北京几年前的一个夏日，旋旋第一次推开咨询室的门，坐在我面前。 尽管她抑郁已经非常严重，嘴角依然努力向上扬起，形成一个礼貌却沉重的微笑——似乎是不想让她的沉重压到我。可她的身体，却在无声地诉说着真实的内心：步伐僵硬，如同提线木偶；指尖在交谈间隙微微颤抖，尤其在握笔书写的时刻，格外明显。 那时的她，正处在生命中最糟糕的阶段。抑郁几乎吞噬了她全部的功能，部分工作职责无法承担，甚至在假期结束后难以返岗。她拥有一份旁人羡慕的工作，一段稳定的婚姻，可爱的孩子——可同时，她也是一个有着轻中度自杀意念的来访者。 值得庆幸的是，她已经在医院精神科接受药物治疗和定期的心理治疗。这是我们能够开始工作的安全基石。 作为她的心理咨询师，我深知伦理边界：我无法独自承接高风险来访，医疗系统的治疗是我们工作的前提。 资深觉察者与沉默的伤痛 旋旋并非心理世界的初学者。在来到我这里之前，她已有两年的精神科就诊史，服用多种精神科药物，同时接受个体和团体心理治疗。这些早期干预成为了她生命的重要保障。 她对心理学术语如数家珍，言语间带着“退行”等心理专业词汇描述自己的状态，对原生家庭的影响也有清晰认知。听她的讲述，我推测之前的心理治疗师可能运用了精神分析等方法进行了大量的认知调整。 在我们工作满一年时，医院给出了初步诊断： “双相情感障碍” 。 当她功能良好时，她是一名出色的职场人——细致、负责、有担当；也是一位无微不至的母亲和妻子，甚至在家庭经济困难时默默扛起生计重担、而毫无怨言；在朋友、甚至是陌生人需要帮助和支持时，她都会托举起他们。但我们在咨询中，用视觉化方式探索自我体验时，她这样描述：“我觉得自己背了很多东西，都已经驼背了，我还不停地往上放。” 这，是一种以过度消耗为代价的责任感、善良和努力。 她清楚自己的“完美主义”如何消耗着自己。无论是在工作还是育儿中，她都承受着的焦虑，并发展出一些强迫倾向的行为：反复拖地、无法自控的购物——尤其在情绪糟糕时，会购买大量不需要的东西，对金钱失去真实感知。她深知自己的疯狂购物行为是一种应对情绪海啸的无效策略，已经啃食家庭重要经济支柱，而可能最后摧毁这个家庭，但这个模式异常顽固，难以改变。 在抑郁发作期，她会陷入全面瘫痪。“这个周末我什么都没干，一直在床上躺着，睡觉，或者刷手机。”“我不想看到孩子，我没有一点力气为他们做事情，看到他们我感到烦躁。”同时，她的世界仿佛被静了音，存在一种令人担忧的“隔膜感”。“走在路上，汽车开到很近了我才感觉到。”—这是一种 现实解体的解离体验 ，心灵在过度痛苦时为自己装上一层保护膜，让我们得以存活。 这种解离的状态，在我们的咨询中时有体现。即便讲述童年遭受的家庭暴力，她的语气也平静得像在诉说别人的故事，情绪仿佛被一层无形的薄膜隔绝。多年前，我带领家暴女性康复团体（咨询回忆收藏在了我当年写的这篇文章中： A Snapshot of Project A’s Group Therapy | The Therapist’s View ）时的一位来访者——她对童年几乎毫无记忆（一种 遗忘型解离) ，直到某次咨询中突然回忆起年幼时遭受的性侵经历，而她叙述时，脸上也是这般不起波澜的平静。 跟璇璇一起的初期，让我心头一紧的，是一次简单的正念练习。我请她看看窗外，告诉我看到了什么。她凝视窗外，轻声说：”我看到很多人从对面楼上跳下来“。那一刻，我仿佛站在一口深井边缘，无意间投下一块石子，隔了许久才听见从极深处传来那一声微弱的回响——井很深，深得让我不由地屏住了呼吸。她平静的表面下，是一片从未被踏足过的支离破碎的废墟。 我们的工作就是从这里开始的。我们要做的不是选择放弃一些碎片，而是去深刻的理解每一片。下一篇文章，我会讲述我是如何开始逐渐使用“内在家庭系统治疗”，以及它如何在‘由上至下’的咨询流派边际效应递减为零时，显现出它超强的治愈优势的。

On the 10th anniversary of our Mental Health Peer Support Group, let’s hear the experience from one of our participants!

Today is World Trauma Day. Sometimes, even the world "trauma" itself can feel broken - but our stories of healing don't have to be. At CandleX, we have worked with many forms of trauma, including abusive relationships, sex addiction, incomplete loss and grief, and suicidality. This year, we are focusing on the profound impact of  intimate relationship trauma. Your story is part of your journey, but it does not define you. Begin Your Understanding: Recognize the signs with our guide:  What is Emotional Abuse? | Classroom Find Connection and Strength: Read about the power of shared healing in our group therapy reviews: Psychotherapy on Healing from Abusive Relationships | Group and Individual Therapy A Snapshot of Project A’s Group Therapy | The Therapist’s View Witness a powerful journey of Cecilia’s resilience: Cecilia's Escape - From Broken Vows to Independence Cecilia in the Aftermath – Haunted by Petals Your Next Steps with CandleX: In Crisis? Be Brave. Reach Out. Access immediate support:  Crisis Hotlines Begin Your Healing Journey. Explore one-on-one support:  Psychotherapy Services Find Your Community. Connect with others:  Mental Health Peer Support Group You are not alone. Click the links to find your path forward.

Want to use your design skills to support mental health?  We are looking for a passionate Graphic Designer (or wanna-be) to help us maintain our visual identity and produce visual materials. About Our Team: You’ll be joining a stable, diverse, and global team of talented, easy-going, and supportive individuals who value professionalism, reliability, and team spirit. We work together to make a difference in the field of mental health in China, and we also believe in having fun, trying new things, and growing together—because happy volunteers are effective volunteers! Key Responsibilities: Design a range of digital materials, including social media graphics, posters, event flyers, and web banners. Help develop and maintain a consistent visual identity for CandleX across all platforms. Create engaging visuals for our WeChat account and website. Support other teams with basic design work as needed. We Offer You: A Portfolio of Real-World Projects:  Gain experience creating designs for a real and impactful cause. A Supportive & Growth-Focused Environment : Personal growth is our key principle. Receive personal growth mentoring from our director,  Xiaojie Qin , an experienced psychotherapist. An opportunity to explore other roles like communications, event organizing, or public speaking. Try new things and find what clicks with you! Better self-awareness and relationship management at work, and a sense of meaning and belonging. Practical Perks: A volunteer certification upon request. Free tickets to our events, and tickets of our partners. We're Looking for Someone Who Is: Able to work  online , make a meaningful contribution with a flexible time commitment of  5-6 hours per month . Reliable, able to work independently, and committed to a  minimum of one year . Has a good eye for layout, color, and typography. If you don’t have sufficient experiences, that’s okay, as long as you are open to learning on the job! Fluent in English (our working language); fluency in Chinese is a plus. Passionate about mental health and community building. We have been supporting teenagers with their mental health, and we strongly encourage teenagers and college students that has an interest in this field to apply! Steps to Apply: Take a look at our website (www.candlex.cn) and WeChat account, for the posters, and illustrations that we currently have. Please send your CV. DISC test:  https://discpersonalitytesting.com/free-disc-test/  choose the free version. If any, a link to your portfolio (or 2-3 design samples) to:  xiaojie.qin@candlex.cn

Editor: Xiaojie Qin Date: Sep 2025 Two years ago, I ran into CYN. "I’m moving," she told me. "My husband died." The news stopped me cold. That must have been crushing, I thought—yet there she was, living fully: creating, working, persisting. Only later did I learn the truth: her husband had died by suicide. I hesitated to reach out, stopped by the fear that my words might wound rather than comfort. Earlier this year, as I planned for today’s World Suicide Prevention Day, I kept thinking about her. At CandleX, we confront stigma by amplifying voices often silenced—not just sharing pain, but the quiet strength that follows. For a decade, our community writing project has thrived on this alchemy: raw honesty meets resilience, offering others a mirror for their own unspoken battles. I wondered if CYN might let us honor her journey, if her story of recovery could light the way for those still lost in the dark. She accepted our invitation, and after working together for two months, here is her story. Navigate your story with clarity and courage.  CandleX's supportive program ( Coaching Support for Your Mental Health Stories ) blends guided coaching with the power of writing to help you make sense of your mental health experiences. Author: CYN (pseudonym) Date: Aug 2025 “How are you?” an old friend from Shanghai asked when we met for brunch at a small café in Beijing, a couple of weeks after the funeral. It’s what everyone asks after someone dies. And the grieving often say, “I’m okay.” Not because it’s true, but because the real answer feels like too much. Too raw. Too hard to explain. “Well,” I said. “Things have settled. My husband’s gone. I’m —” I paused, suddenly aware this was the first time I’d said it out loud. A widow. The word felt foreign in my mouth. Almost antiquated. Like I was trying on something old, theatrical, not quite mine. And yet, somehow, it lit me up. Like saying it out loud unlocked something. Not grief. Not pity. Power. I felt like Scarlett Johansson in  Black Widow , stepping into leather and combat boots. I felt like a badass. And I had an eight-year-old sidekick at my side. Little did I know I’d need all that power for what was still to come. I wasn’t angry at my husband for ending his life. He had been quietly suffering from depression for years, and I knew he had tried his best—just as I told our son: “Daddy tried his best and loved us very much. But he was ill. We all tried our very best.” He didn’t leave a note. So it was left to my imagination to make sense of it. Maybe he believed he was doing us a favor. Maybe he thought it was an act of sacrifice—that his presence would only hold us back from truly living. I kept hoping I’d find something. A letter. A message. Some final clue. One night, missing him more than usual, I pulled a journal from the corner of a bookshelf. He hadn’t written in them regularly, but still—I thought maybe, just maybe, I’d find a few words meant for me. Instead, I opened a Pandora’s box of secrets. In it, he wrote about his struggles with infidelity. Regret. Guilt. Close calls—moments when I almost caught him. He wrote about how stupid he felt, risking everything. How much he wanted to be a good man, but how strong his inner demons were. On the last page, dated a year before his death, there were only a few scribbles of despair. No answers. No goodbyes. Just silence.  The husband I thought I had didn’t exist. I stared at the pages in disbelief. The life I’d known dissolved in an instant. I couldn’t find my footing. What had ever been real? That’s when the deeper grief began—not just for the man I lost, but for the life I thought we had. Fifteen years, rewritten in an instant. I closed the journal. And still, I had to tuck my son into bed as if nothing had happened. I kissed his forehead, pulled the blanket around him, held him close. Inside, a hard truth settled in: this wasn’t just a betrayal of trust. It was a betrayal of reality itself. A slow, invisible unraveling I hadn’t seen, until it all fell apart. How could he do this? Had any of it been real? Who was he? I kept thinking about all the relationship work we’d done over the years—the hours spent talking through conflicts with nonviolent communication, sharing reflections on Tara Brach’s  Radical Acceptance  over dinner dates. One of the last things he said to me was that he appreciated how I had shown him how to accept himself. We created safety for each other. We practiced vulnerability. We were—at least I thought we were—authentic. Was it all an illusion? And then the blame turned inward. How could I be so stupid? So naive? I replayed every moment, looking for the signs I had missed. The red flags. The gut feelings I brushed aside. I felt like a fool—for trusting, for loving, for believing we were in this together. And then there were the humiliations I never saw coming. After the funeral, a man I’d never met approached me to offer condolences. He said how much he admired my husband. Then added, almost laughing, “He introduced me to lots of girls. I mean, I was forty, a Harvard grad, and still hadn’t found the one.” It wasn’t until later—after I read the journal—that I realized what he was really saying. He knew. It felt like he was taunting me.  You were so clueless. So gullible. This wasn’t just about private betrayal—it was public. Some people knew and even enabled it. I felt humiliated. He felt more like an ex-husband than a late one. But I couldn’t divorce him. I didn’t get to choose. I still had to call him my husband. Sometimes I thought: maybe I should marry a stranger just so I wouldn’t have to say that word anymo re. I didn ’t choose this. I didn’t choose to become a single mom. I didn’t choose to be betrayed. I didn’t choose to be left alone to raise our son, holding the pieces of a life I no longer recognized. But I  could  choose how I would respond. And soon, something in me stirred—an awareness that this pain wasn’t unfamiliar. I had met it before. It was as if life had been quietly preparing me—not through comfort, but through difficulty. Each loss, each heartbreak, each healing effort laying the foundation of resilience.  My first real lesson came in college, when my boyfriend cheated on me. Though devastated, I made a quiet vow: I wouldn’t let it harden me. I wouldn’t let betrayal turn me bitter. I would keep trusting. Keep loving. Keep believing in the goodness of people. That promise stayed with me. It still does. In college, I had a psychology professor who often reminded us:  “ Be slow to judge. Understand the story behind the behavior.” That phrase stayed with me. It shaped how I saw people. Beneath the betrayal, the lies, the harm, there’s usually something else. Unprocessed trauma. Unspoken shame. Pain that twists people away from who they really are. Hurt people hurt people  became a kind of mantra for me—not to excuse the hurt, but to see the woundedness behind the hurtful behavior. I had already done a lot of inner work years before my husband died. Coaching. Meditation. Somatic work. Books about trauma and healing. I journaled. I practiced self-compassion. I learned how to sit with discomfort, to soften around pain instead of running from it. Perhaps most of all, I learned how to surrender.  Some pain was beyond tools. On those days, I could only lie down—sometimes literally, face down on the floor—and ask the Universe to hold me through it. I hadn’t realized I was building emotional infrastructure—and weaving a circle of soul companions I could lean on when everything fell apart. So when the floor gave out, I didn’t collapse. I had something to stand on. And I wasn’t alone in the dark. I began to imagine: What if, before this life, we had made a soul contract? That in this lifetime, we would be husband and wife not to fix each other, but to grow through our own darkness. To learn that humans are messy, contradictory, and still worthy of love. I often think of Persephone. I descended into the underworld. I’ve seen what’s down there—the grief, the betrayal, the silence. And now I’ve come back up — changed. Not bitter, but clearer. I no longer see people as simply good or bad. We are all both. And learning to accept even the darkest parts of him—and myself—was part of how I chose to heal. I don’t see him as evil. I never have. He was deeply wounded.  As Father Greg Boyle says, people are unshakably good. It’s the illness, the trauma, the pain that makes them act in hurtful ways—makes them forget who they really are. I still believe in that goodness—no longer with blind trust, but with clear eyes. So I began again. We’ve moved to a new country since then—to begin a different life. And on days when I feel unsure or unsteady, I still think of the Black Widow—her confidence, her strength, her grit. All superheroes have scars. Widow. It still sounds strange sometimes. But it’s no longer a label I was handed. It’s a strength I’ve claimed. Widow. Woman. Mother. Betrayed. Whole. I carry them all. And I walk forward. Disclaimer: The editor’s note was proofread and improved by Deepseek, while the Author’s writing was assisted by AI in a role of a writing coach.

Xiaojie Qin  | Psychotherapist | Beijing This year (2025), I began sharing stories of my therapy sessions with clients as part of our CandleX’s  Psychoeducation  Program. I’d like to take this opportunity to share the intentions and principles behind these writings. 1. Gratitude to My Clients None of these stories could be shared without the trust and consent of my clients. I am deeply grateful for your support of my role as a “dual-role” mental health professional. Currently, half of my work is dedicated to therapy, and the other half to directing mental health programs both in the community and corporate world. These articles are intended not only for general readers, but also to offer reassurance to those hesitant about starting therapy—giving them a glimpse behind the closed doors of the therapy room. I am also involved in several initiatives supporting the growth of the mental health field, including guiding aspiring professionals through regular webinars and facilitating community and corporate workshops. Many participants have expressed appreciation for these shared stories. It is the courage, progress, and healing of my clients that bring light to those still struggling. On their behalf, I extend my heartfelt thanks. 2. Exploration of Therapeutic Technique Although my recent (summer of 2025) articles are organized by different therapeutic approaches, I recognize that psychotherapy encompasses both foundational micro-skills and broader theoretical frameworks. From a “helicopter view,” everything is interconnected. My intent is not to argue that one approach is superior to another, but rather to illustrate how each has been both beneficial and limiting throughout my professional practice. When writing, I immerse myself deeply (maybe a bit too deep on some days sitting for hours) in reviewing a particular client’s full therapeutic journey—spanning several months to several years. The process for each article is meticulous yet profoundly meaningful: I reflect on how techniques were applied and refine my understanding of each method’s strengths and constraints. Although framing my writing within therapeutic traditions has its imperfections, it helps me transition from structured techniques toward a more intuitive, fluid practice. I see myself gradually progressing toward a formless mastery—much like a follower of the Dao. 3. Exploring “What Kind of Therapist I Am” The therapeutic space is filled with emotion—not only for clients, but for therapists as well. I hope to convey the inner world of the therapist: the challenges, reflections, and continual self-growth that this work demands. This reflective process not only deepens my own skills but also serves as a form of public education. Within a mental health landscape that can often feel crowded and confusing, I hope my stories encourage readers to look beyond titles and credentials, and focus instead on the process and substance of therapy itself. I hold a Master’s degree in Counseling from Monash University and two Chinese national certifications: National Level Three Psychological Counselor and National Psychotherapist. That said, I discourage placing excessive emphasis on distinctions between titles such as “psychologist,” “therapist,” or “counselor.” When a practitioner sits with a client, what truly matters is the therapeutic process itself. 4. Using Labels with Great Caution Diagnostic or psychological labels can serve as useful tools for practitioner’s learning, understanding and communication. Clients may even initially find relief in a label—it can settle a confused mind. Yet this often comes at the cost of limiting their belief in their capacity to transform. No label can fully capture a living person. I hold myself from describing my clients as “a bipolar case” or “passive-aggressive,” as is common in many clinical articles. Instead, I see them as people navigating complex emotions, each with unique stories and profound courage. I strive for my writing to feel light—to ease burdens, not add to them. 5. Illustrating “Gradual Recovery” Healing is not a binary shift from “disordered” to “healthy.” It is a gradual, non-linear path. Through my writing, I hope to encourage us all to step away from simplistic black-and-white thinking and embrace a more nuanced, progressive view of human experience. 6. Presenting the Real Therapeutic Relationship The stories I share include not only ‘successes’, but also moments of ‘failure’.My clients and I share a human encounter—a process of trial and adjustment that defies any textbook formula. Through authentic narration of actual therapy room experiences, I hope readers can see that the therapeutic relationship is dynamic and resilient—marked by collaboration, tension, transference and countertransference, moments of rupture and repair, and sometimes even disappointing departure. This reminds me, as a therapist, to keep growing—to support clients with greater sensitivity and fluency as we both navigate cognitive and emotional shifts, reducing unnecessary distress along the way. 7. Creating a “Healing Experience” Each article is first shared with the protagonist of the story—my client—and I obtain their formal consent for publication. This is not merely an ethical requirement; it is part of the healing experience I wish to offer to my clients. Sharing is caring, they say. Reading Irvin Yalom’s  The Gift of Therapy  deeply inspired me. His practice of occasionally reviewing the therapy process in writings with clients between sessions struck me as ethically delicate during my training, yet I deeply admire how a master therapist can—with stability and heartfelt care—guide clients into unexpected places of healing. When a client reads their own story, told with respect, understanding, and tenderness, and sees their struggle reframed as an act of self-protection rather than a flaw—that moment becomes a powerful affirmation and witness to their journey. I share with this intent. 8. Use of AI in the Writing Process As an bi-lingual therapist (Chinese and English), I let my emotions choose the language it wants to use for this articles. Some articles were written in Chinese, some in English. In both cases, artificial intelligence was used as a tool to assist in the writing process. I take caution in the use of AI, but limit it for its support in organizing early drafts and serving as an editor—refining grammar, clarifying ideas, and improving flow—while always preserving my personal voice, professional values, and core perspectives. All therapeutic insights and positions expressed originate from me. Thank you for reading and for your understanding. 秦小杰 ｜心理咨询师/心理治疗师| 北京 今年（2025年），我开始分享我和来访的咨询故事。在这里，我想谈谈书写这些故事时的初心与约定。 1. 感谢我的来访 没有来访的支持与同意，这些故事无法被发表。我由衷感谢你们支持我作为“两栖”心理健康工作者的角色——目前，心理咨询占我工作的一半，另一半则用于心理健康教育倡导和社区社会情感项目支持。 所写的文章除了供大众阅读，也希望能给那些犹豫是否咨询的人一些故事，让他们了解闭门的咨询室中发生着什么。我也一直为行业做些小事：支持徘徊在行业门口的人，通过定期在线研讨会分享从业经验，提供参考信息；在社区与企业工作坊中，大家也很感谢我能把故事在共同空间中讲述。这些故事凝聚关注，也传递力量——是来访所呈现的勇气、进步与修复，给予了仍在挣扎的人希望。在此，我替他们感谢我的来访。 2. 咨询技术探索 尽管近期 （ 2025年夏）文章多以流派分类写作，但我深知，咨询技术既有基础的微观技巧，也有所谓流派之分。若以“直升机视角”来看，万物彼此关联。我并不想讨论某一流派优于另一流派，更多是想呈现：在我专业成长的过程中，不同流派都带给我巨大助益，同时也存在局限。 书写时，我会深入回顾整个咨询过程——一个来访咨询短至数月，长至数年。书写过程繁琐却珍贵：重新审视技术应用，进而思考某一模式的适用与局限，以及我作为咨询师擅长的和还需学习改进的。以流派为章节分类来写作，是简便的一种方式，而这个过程帮助我更好的整合这些技术，将有形技术逐渐融于无形。 3. 探索“我是怎样的咨询师” 在咨询空间中，来访者会经历诸多情绪，而咨询师同样也会。我希望呈现出咨询工作中的情绪、挑战与反思，以及一个咨询师所需的自我成长。我坚信，一个好的心理咨询工作者，是有着足够自我觉察、自我调节能力、也是不断在自我实现中生活工作。这样的整理，既能深化我的技术，也是一种社会倡导——希望在这个繁杂混乱的咨询市场中，大家更关注技术与修炼，而非标签。 我持有国家颁发的心理咨询师证和心理治疗师证，但并不鼓励过度纠结“心理学家”“咨询师”或“治疗师”等职称差异。当一位从业人员坐在来访面前，我们更应聚焦的，是咨询过程本身。 4. 拒绝“标签化” 诊断标签是为了便于理解与沟通，但它无法定义任何一个活生生的人。尽管一些来访也可从标签中感受到瞬间的焦虑释放和平和，但标签是一个隐形的框架，它终将成为阻碍一个人最大限度的发展，撕下标签，是一个沉重且不必要的负担。 我的工作对象，我尽我所力，去转化“一个双相患者”或“一个多动症患者”，为“一个正经历多种情绪、有独特故事和巨大勇气的人”。我希望文字是轻盈的，是来卸下负担，而非增添负担。 5. 展现“渐进式康复” 我希望让大众了解真实的咨询过程是怎样的。心灵的康复，并非从“健康”到“不健康”的二元切换，而是一条蜿蜒曲折的渐进之路。愿我们所有人能偶尔跳出简便的二元建构，渐进而细腻地观察世界。 6. 呈现真实的咨访关系 在分享的咨询故事中，不仅有‘成功’的经验，也有‘失败’的片段。我希望通过这些真实的叙述，让大家认识到咨访关系是一个充满弹性的过程，其中包含咨询师与来访者之间的互动、移情与反移情、关系的破损与修复——这些都是常见甚至必要的历程，甚至有些历程是无法再续的遗憾。咨询并非总是“来访时刻被稳稳接住”的理想化体验，而是充满人性化的尝试与调整。这也提醒我作为咨询师要不断进步，在帮助来访者进行认知调整或情感整合时，更加敏锐地减轻过程中的痛苦，让咨询体验更加自然流畅。 7. 被分享“疗愈的体验” 尤其重要的是，这些文章会先经由故事的主人公——我的来访者——过目，并取得书面授权。这不仅关乎知情同意，我希望他们在阅读时，也是一个疗愈体验。 读欧文·亚隆的《给心理治疗师的礼物》时，我深受触动。他会在咨询间隔与来访互信，分别回顾彼此咨询过程的体验——这种非常规操作，依我所学的伦理来看，仿佛走钢丝，但正是他书中提到，这个过程，出其不意的加深了他们的治疗效果。于我而言，当（已结束咨询的）来访读到自己的咨询故事，被以尊重、理解与温柔的方式讲述，当他们的挑战被理解为一种努力的自我保护而非缺陷，我希望他们感受到我本有的对他们的深刻的见证与肯定。 8. 写作中人工智能的使用 作为一个双语（中文、英文）心理工作者，我习惯性的部分文章用中文写，部分用英文（看当时我的情绪语言是什么）。无论哪种语言，在撰写中我使用了人工智能辅助，感谢它协助整理初稿，担任编辑角色：优化语法、澄清观点、调整流畅度，但严格保留我的写作风格、专业理念与核心观点，所有心理咨询见解与立场均出自本人。 感谢您的阅读与理解。