Xiaojie Qin, Founder of CandleX, has a past with bipolar disorder. Although sheis no longer labelled with this condition, she wrote this piece two years ago about her experience. The accompanying image, short by Pere Ibañez, is part of the “Moodlab” series and is name’s 11 de Octubre.
Name: Xiaojie Qin
Country of Origin: China
Occupation: Management
Fear of Missing Out | My Bipolar Disorder
The thing about bipolar is
You have half of a life
Many people with bipolar II spend longer time being depressed
Than being creative, energetic, productive and happy
When depression hits
I was dead for months out of a year
Before I was aware that it’s bipolar
I was so confused
“Why can’t I think of anything that I want to do?”
I used to ask myself
So one time when I was in remission
I put together a list of things that I like doing or should do
I thought maybe sometimes I just forget
The depression hits
Nothing on the list was appealing
I was baffled
Then there it came the long never ending days of despair
Until the chemicals in my brain balances itself out
It cycles
I noticed it
But I could do nothing about it
Even when I was happy and contend
I knew some day, I’d be on the other end
It’s like being in the wavy ocean
Your head is in and out of water
I never had time to make sense of what’s happening
When you can hold your head above the water
All you can think of it to breath
That’s what I was like
I was trying to make most of my functioning days
Running, doing, and rushing
I know the color I can see will turn grey
The music I hear will fade
Some days my limbs would out of nowhere
become so heavy that I wouldn’t be able to move them
To me, I only have half of my life
When I feel alive,
I spin myself like a top
Once you whip, you can’t stop!
I’ve taken many walks at 6am because it’s quiet and beautiful
I once watched a documentary about lepers twice in one night because it was fascinating
I danced one weekend day for 14 hours, lost 3 toenails and had to go to physical therapy for my hips
One Saturday, I studied online for 6 hours straight, just because.
Hypomania
That’s the technical word given for bipolar disorder II
My body’s switch was finally turned on
My soul woke up from hibernation, taking a big stretch
So I was that volcano, pent up with lava that is pounding
My mind decided to let it go
“Make the most out of the time”
there’s always that voice
Missing out
There were times in life
I looked up and saw a plane in the sky
I thought to myself that they are so lucky to have a destination
I arrived in Paris
Only found that my soul didn't get on the same bus with me
I was in Rome
Having the worst panic attacks of my life
I saw the magnificent architecture
But my emotions were too dried out to be in touch with the magnificence
I was in Nepal
I booked the flight back immediately after work
Why stay for the weekend
When where I am is of no difference
Like most people
I wish I didn't have to miss out on these wonderful things that are happening in life
I also wish that I never have to miss out again,
despite that I know there will probably be times that I will
Like for most people that wishful thinking creates a hamster wheel
A lot of times,
I feel like a hungry homeless person
That sees a plateful of food
He wouldn’t sit down to smell and taste the food
He’d just gulp everything down
Just like him
I was galloping life in one breath
Until I finally started to do yoga and meditate
That I realize there was other ways
In a way, we all live in the waves of an ocean
Some waves are bigger than others
Mine certainly was like a tornado
I am learning to ride the waves
Not fighting it
But riding it
Learning to accept that others will experience things that I may never get to do helps me to bring the wave down.
I know very well that I am experiencing things that some others would never do
Don’t fear missing out
Bring yourself back to the experience that you are already having
Ignore the voice that tells you to do more
The fear of missing out fades
The joy of living the moment enhances
July 2017
Author | Xiaojie
Proofread | Mara, Lucy
To see more photos and stories from the campaign, follow our Moodlab column or visit Camera Stylo between 29 June and 14 July 2019 in Beijing. If you would like to share your story with the CandleX community in the form of poetry or writing, send an e-mail to stories@candlex.cn.
