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11 de Octubre | One Model, One Story

Xiaojie Qin, Founder of CandleX, has a past with bipolar disorder. Although sheis no longer labelled with this condition, she wrote this piece two years ago about her experience. The accompanying image, short by Pere Ibañez, is part of the “Moodlab” series and is name’s 11 de Octubre.

Name: Xiaojie Qin

Country of Origin: China

Occupation: Management

Fear of Missing Out | My Bipolar Disorder

The thing about bipolar is

You have half of a life

Many people with bipolar II spend longer time being depressed

Than being creative, energetic, productive and happy

When depression hits

I was dead for months out of a year

Before I was aware that it’s bipolar

I was so confused

“Why can’t I think of anything that I want to do?”

I used to ask myself

So one time when I was in remission

I put together a list of things that I like doing or should do

I thought maybe sometimes I just forget

The depression hits

Nothing on the list was appealing

I was baffled

Then there it came the long never ending days of despair

Until the chemicals in my brain balances itself out

It cycles

I noticed it

But I could do nothing about it

Even when I was happy and contend

I knew some day, I’d be on the other end

It’s like being in the wavy ocean

Your head is in and out of water

I never had time to make sense of what’s happening

When you can hold your head above the water

All you can think of it to breath

That’s what I was like

I was trying to make most of my functioning days

Running, doing, and rushing

I know the color I can see will turn grey

The music I hear will fade

Some days my limbs would out of nowhere

become so heavy that I wouldn’t be able to move them

To me, I only have half of my life

When I feel alive,

I spin myself like a top

Once you whip, you can’t stop!</