Xuanxuan 6: The Waiting Room | Internal Family Systems Therapy 8

This article was originally written in Chinese by the author Qin Xiaojie (Counselor, Psychotherapist) and later translated into English by DeepSeek, adhering to the original intent of the writing and the ethical principles of writing about client experiences.

文章由作者秦小杰（心理咨询师，心理治疗师）用中文写作，后经 Deepseek 翻译成英文，秉持: 写作初心和来访咨询故事写作伦理原则。

Author: Qin Xiaojie

Date: January 2026

By applying the theoretical framework of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy to explore Xuanxuan's experience of bipolarity, we can see that for a long time, she was alternately controlled by her inner Manager and Firefighter (as detailed in Chapter 4). This manifested as episodes of "a forced march of achievement" and "depressive withdrawal that rendered the outside world irrelevant."

Guided by the IFS framework, we have already taken a significant and promising step forward: gaining a deeper understanding of the relationships and states of Xuanxuan's inner parts.

作者：秦小杰

时间：2026年1月

来访璇璇的双相生活状态，我们用内在家庭系统治疗（IFS）的理论框架去探索，可以看到，在很长时间里都被内在的管理员和消防员交替操控（请见来访璇璇咨询故事第四章），呈现出“精疲力竭也无法停止的躁动”和“世间万事我无暇顾及的抑郁”。在IFS咨询框架的指导下，我们已经迈出了可喜的一步了，就是对璇璇内在部分关系和状态的了解。

The Difficulty of Unblending: When the Manager Refuses to Step Aside

According to the IFS process, the next step is to gently unblend the different parts within. From this perspective, inner chaos and conflict often arise not from one voice, but from many parts speaking—and clashing (See Chapter 5)—at once, creating a tangle that's hard to unravel.

In one session, Xuan described what had pulled her under that week: a plan to finish a critical professional report over three nights had fallen apart. Between sheer exhaustion and her child suddenly falling ill, only a fragment was complete. (Note: To deeply protect client privacy, specific dialogues and details are narratively adapted, while the core therapeutic process remains true to clinical experience.)

“I feel like a complete failure,” Xuan said, a familiar heaviness in her tone. “I can’t even manage something this basic.”

“That led to a lot of disappointment toward yourself,” I reflected. She nodded.

Our work had already transitioned into a ‘bottom-up’, felt-sense ­– a way to bypass her analytical mind and meet experience directly through the language of the body, which Xuan was gradually learning to decipher.

“If you’re willing, would you close your eyes and try to meet this ‘failure’ feeling directly?” I offered.

Xuan nodded and let her eyes close.

“Good. Stay with your breath. Now see if you can find that ‘I failed’ feeling… Where is it sitting in your body? Does it have a texture, a color, a shape?”

A quiet moment settled. Then, softly: “In my chest… It’s heavy. Like a lump of gray stone, pressing down.”

I held the space, allowing her to stay with the sensation.

But within seconds, her brow knitted slightly.

“Something seems to have shifted inside,” I gently noted. “Would you be willing to share what’s happening?”

Xuan replied, “…Of course I failed. It’s because when I have downtime, I just scroll on my phone. If I’d spent a few hours less on that last week, the report would’ve been done by now.”

Xuan’s prefrontal cortex—the very analytical faculty we were trying to gently bypass—snapped back online. Her inner analyst took the stage, a clear function of her Manager part, swiftly intervening to steer us away from the raw, felt experience I was guiding her toward.

Me: “What if we gently asked this ‘Manager’ part if it might be willing to take a short pause? We could invite it to rest for a while in the ‘waiting room.’”

Xuan: (without hesitation) “…It won’t. It says it has to stay right here.”

When I tried to approach Xuan’s inner Exile—the young girl holding the old pain—the Manager who declares “Of course you failed” would intervene. It did not want us speaking directly to the Exile, fearing her pain might swell into something uncontainable. In the logic of IFS, this Manager is, at its heart, a guardian. Its relentless criticism is not an attack, but a misguided form of loyalty—a lifelong vow to protect the child within from feeling that crushing weight of pain ever again.

分离之难：当“管理者”拒绝退场

用IFS的咨询流程来讲，下一步就是更好地将内在不同的部分进行“分离”（unblend the parts）。在IFS看来，内心的混乱与矛盾，常常是因为不同的部分在同时发声、互相干预，让局面变得难以厘清。

在一次咨询中，璇璇讲述了让她那一周陷入低落的事件：她原本计划用三个晚上完成一份重要的职业进修报告，但最终因为精疲力竭和孩子突然生病，只完成了一小部分。（注：为深度保护来访者隐私，本章节中的对话细节与事件背景已进行文学化改编，但其核心的对话过程与咨询逻辑均严格遵循真实的经验。）

“我感到自己彻底失败了，”璇璇说，声音里带着熟悉的沉重感，“我连这么基本的事都掌控不了。”

“你对自己有强烈的失望。” 我回应道。她点了点头。

我们的咨询方式已经更多的转移为‘自下而上’的感受性过程——一种有意为之的迂回，目的是让璇璇的思维暂时退居幕后。璇璇已经对这个过程有了好些的体验。

“如果可以的话，你愿意闭上眼睛，直接去接触这份‘失败感’本身吗？" 我直接引导到。

璇璇点了点头，闭上了眼睛。

“很好，保持呼吸。那个‘我失败了’的感觉你观察它……它在你身体的哪个位置？它有什么质地、颜色或形状吗？”

短暂的沉默后，她低声描述：“在胸口……很重，像一团压着的、灰色的石头。”

我保持安静，给她时间和这个感受相处。

但，不到几秒钟，她的眉头微微蹙起。

我跟上问到“似乎你内心有些变化，你可以分享下吗？”。璇璇回答到，“……我当然会失败，因为我没事的时候，就会刷手机。如果我上周少耍几个小时，现在报告早就写完了。”

璇璇的前额叶被激活了，她在思考。用IFS的话，她的‘管理员’以一个分析师的角色跳出来了，开始干扰我们和情绪的接触。

我：“我们能不能试着先请这个‘管理员’部分暂时休息一下？可以邀请它去一个‘等候室’里待一会儿。”

璇璇：（立马回答到）“……它……它不去。它觉得必须留在这里”。

当我去接触璇璇内在的“流放者”，那个背负着痛苦的小女孩时，那个说着“你当然会失败”的管理者跳出来，它不希望我们直接跟流放者对话，因为管理者害怕小女孩的痛苦被放大、变得不可收拾。在IFS理论中，管理者是一个有保护之心的守护小女孩的责任。

A Sophisticated Defense: The Manager's "Analysis" 

When I guided Xuan to directly contact the feeling of "failure" (that heavy, gray stone), it triggered a red alert in her Manager. Because "feeling vulnerable" is the gateway to the Exile's pain—the wounded child within—the Manager grew deeply anxious, fearing a loss of control. It could not allow that door to open.

So, it launched a more subtle, more "intelligent" emergency protocol:

1. Redirecting the Focus: It forcibly shifted Xuan's attention away from "feeling the emotion of failure" (which felt uncontrollable and dangerous) and toward "analyzing the cause of the failure" (which appeared manageable and rational).

2. Offering a "Solution": By pinpointing "scrolling on her phone" as the "cause," it was essentially saying: "See? The problem is clear, and the solution is obvious (just don't scroll next time). So, you don't need to sit in that uncomfortable feeling anymore. Get up and keep fighting!"

Therefore, this 'Analyst' was not there to help her feel, but to stop her from feeling. It had no intention of going to a "waiting room."

In that moment, as a therapist whose early practice was rooted in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (for its limitations, see my other article), I too felt shut out and at a loss. I gently guided her back from the imagery exercise.

After the session, I returned to my studies, seeking a way forward—a path to respectfully engage with a Manager so vigilant that it had stalled our very progress, and to gently negotiate a space where healing could begin to move again.

管理者用“分析”搅局：一种更高级的“防御”

当我引导璇璇去直接感受“失败感”（那团灰色的石头）时，这触碰了管理者的红色警报。因为“感受脆弱”是通往“流放者”（受伤小孩）痛苦的大门，管理者此时很焦虑害怕场面失控，所以绝不允许这道门被打开。

于是，它立刻启动了一项更隐蔽、更“聪明”的应急方案：

1. 目标转移：它把璇璇的注意力，从 “感受失败的情绪” （不可控的、危险的），强行拉到了 “分析失败的原因” （看似可控的、理性的）。

2. 提供“解决方案”：通过指出“刷手机”这个“原因”，它实际上在暗示：“看，问题很清楚，解决办法也很明确（下次别刷手机就行了）。所以，你不用再沉浸在那个难受的感觉里了，起来继续战斗吧！”

所以，这个‘分析者’不是来帮忙感受的，而是来终止感受的。 它当然不愿意去一个“等候室”。

这一刻，作为一个职业早期主要使用认知行为治疗（关于其局限性，请阅读我的另一篇文章） 的咨询师，我一下也被挡在了门外，不知所措，我引导她从意念练习中出来。

咨询结束后，我又继续学习、看有哪些方式方法可以化解这种内心冲突的对话。

Trust: The Key to the Waiting Room

When working with the Exile, the appearance of a protector—the Manager or the Firefighter—as much as it feels like an interruption; it is the work itself. We cannot work around a protector; we must first turn toward it with understanding. Only then can it begin to relax.

This starts by shifting our focus from the content to the part itself. We move attention away from “was scrolling right or wrong” to the part that is delivering the criticism.

Next, we give it form. Through imagery, we help the part become “visible,” transforming it from an abstract voice into an inner figure we can dialogue with. Throughout this process, we employ deep empathy and gratitude, acknowledging its efforts and its existence, to build trust rather than confrontation.

Ultimately, we aim to discover the protective intent—to move past the surface criticism and directly address the core fear and protective motive. This is the key to working with a Manager.

Had I been more skillful in that moment, our conversation might have unfolded as follows. (The following dialogue is crafted to illustrate the application of IFS.)

Me: “Let’s keep our eyes closed. I hear another voice saying the failure was because of ‘scrolling.’ We can see that description as a detailed report. Could we set the report down for a moment and instead turn toward the one writing it—the ‘Analyst’? Would you be willing to get to know it?”

Xuan: (likely nods)

Me: “In your mind’s eye, can you see this part, the Analyst? Where is it? What does it look like? Is it young or old? What is it wearing?”

Xuan: “It looks like someone in a suit and glasses, always checking a watch. Very serious, in a hurry.”

Me: “A serious ‘Analyst’ in a suit, pressed for time. Now, inwardly and with respect, could you tell it: ‘I see you. I see how hard you’re working.’ Then just notice—what happens when you say that? Any small shift?”

Xuan: “…It is taken by surprise and paused for a second, but its face is still stern. It says, ‘I have to work hard. Otherwise, things will get worse.’”

(Here, the Manager’s fear surfaces.)

Me: (gently) “‘Otherwise, things will get worse.’ That matters. Could we ask it, with care: ‘What are you most afraid will happen? What is the ‘worse’ you’re trying to prevent?’”

Xuan: (possibly emotional) “…Chaos. Losing control. Becoming nothing…”

We would pause here, allowing space.

Me: (reframing) “It sounds like this ‘Analyst’ is really a Guardian. Its strictness comes from a deep fear that chaos will harm you. Its rules aren’t about blame—they’re about safety. How is that part feels right now?”

Xuan: (with relief or sadness) “Yes. It seems… exhausted.”

Me: (inviting) “What if we told this tired Guardian: ‘We are safe here. I am with you. Could you, just for a few minutes, let us hold this watch? You could step into the next room and rest—there’s a couch for you. This isn’t goodbye. It’s a short break. We will update you on everything when you return.’ Do you think it might consider that?”

This is not a command. It is a collaborative invitation.

Through practice, I’ve learned this invitation rests on three pillars:

• Gratitude — Recognizing that every protector’s harshness comes from a fierce loyalty to a wounded inner child.

• Reassurance — We promise its return and our full attention.

• Respect — We offer a choice, not an order.

Only then might a protective part feel safe enough to step back.

Finally, the Manager agreed to enter the waiting room.

I still remember the first time this happened with Xuan. In my notes, I underlined the moment. It was the moment she could unblend—creating just enough space for her Self to appear, like light through clouds, and begin, softly, to restore order.

信任：“管理员”去“等候室”的前提

在跟流放者者工作时，管理者（也可能是消防员，他们俩都是保护者）的出现并且进行干扰是一个常见现象。我们不能绕过保护者去工作，而要先去对其进行认识，保护者才可能放松下来。首先，让我们接触流放者先从内容转向部分本身：将焦点从“刷手机的对错”转移到执行批判的那个“部分”；然后，外化与具象化：通过意象让部分“可视化”，使其从抽象声音变为可对话的“内在人物”。这个过程，我们需要使用大量的共情与感恩：认可它的努力和存在，建立信任而非对抗的关系。最终，我们会通常探索到保护意图：绕过表面的批评，直指核心的恐惧与保护动机（这是与管理者工作的关键）。

如果我当时可以游刃有余的应对，那么接下来我们也许会有这样一个对话。（以下对话，为展现IFS的应用而编撰。）

我：“请保持眼睛的闭合。我听到另一个部分在跟我们对话，它说失败是因为刷手机’。它好像一本非常严谨的‘事件调查报告’。我有点好奇，我们能不能暂时先不处理这份‘报告’。我们现在转过身，给这个正在写报告的‘分析师’一些关注力，我们尝试去认识下它好吗？” 

璇璇： （可能点头或轻声回应）

我：“ 好。现在，在想象中，你能不能‘看到’这个正在说话的部分？它也许就在你心里的某个位置。它长什么样子？是年轻的还是年长的？它穿着什么样的衣服？它的表情和姿态是怎样的？”

璇璇： “嗯，它像个穿西装、戴眼镜的人，一直在看表，很严肃，有点着急。”

我： “嗯，一个穿西装、看手表、严肃又着急的‘分析师’。现在，我想邀请你，用你内心的声音，非常尊重地对它说：‘我看到了你。我看到你正在非常努力地工作。’然后留意一下，当我们这样认可它时，它有什么反应？哪怕是非常细微的表情或动作。”

璇璇：“……它好像……愣了一秒，但还是板着脸。它说‘当然要努力，不然情况会更糟。’”

（这是关键转折点。管理者的深层恐惧可能在此浮现）

我： （抓住核心，探索意图）“‘不然情况会更糟’——这句话太重要了。我们可以轻轻地、带着尊重地问问它吗：‘你在努力防止的，到底是什么？你最担心的‘更糟的情况’，具体是什么？’”

璇璇（回答1）： （可能沉默，或情绪波动）“……是混乱。是彻底失控。是一事无成……

在这里，会停一些时间，直到来访的情绪有所缓解后，才进行下面的认知调整。

我： （连接与赋义）“我听起来，这位‘分析师’先生，其实是一位极力保护你的‘安全主管’。它之所以严厉，不是因为冷酷，而是因为它极度害怕‘混乱’和‘失控’会伤害到你。它所有关于‘刷手机’的分析和规则，根本目的都不是为了批评你，而是为了建立秩序，防止它最害怕的灾难发生。我们这样理解它，感觉对吗？”

璇璇： （可能感到释然或悲伤）“……对。它好像……一直很累。”

我： （提出邀请）“如果我们告诉这位疲惫的‘安全主管’：‘我们现在在一个非常安全的环境里。我（的咨询师）会在这里一起守护。也许，你可以暂时把这个“防止灾难”的重任交给我们一会儿，只是几分钟，去隔壁房间休息一下？那里有一张为你准备的舒服的沙发。我们不是要解雇你，只是邀请你短暂地休个假。等你回来，我们会把你担心的一切都告诉你。’ —— 你觉得，这样真诚地邀请它，它会愿意考虑暂时离开一下吗？”

这不仅仅是一个简单的“暂停”指令，而是一个充满尊重与合作的邀请。

在我不断的实践中领悟到，邀请部分进入等候室时，我们的态度需要遵循几个核心原则，也是我们人际沟通中有效沟通的元素。

首先是感恩 —— 看到每一个保护者（无论是严厉的管理者还是冲动的消防员），其根本目的都是竭尽全力保护那个“内在小孩”，不让它再次暴露于过去的伤痛，我们承认它存在的意义与付出的辛劳；

其次是承诺与保证—— 我们会明确表示，这只是一次暂时的休息，它将被郑重地邀请回来，而我们也必将全神贯注地倾听它需要诉说的一切。

还有尊重 —— 我们是发出诚挚的邀请，而非下达粗暴的驱逐令。

当保护的部分感受到这样的感恩、保证与尊重时，它才会感到安全，也才更愿意尝试信任这个安排，暂时退后一步。

终于，“管理员”同意去到了“等候室。”

记得在我跟璇璇真实的咨询过程中，管理员第一次走进“等候室”是一个值得纪念的时刻，我咨询笔记上重重的做一个下划线。这一刻，我看到的是，璇璇能够暂时将那些混乱或苛责的部分分离开来，为内在腾出空间——她的“真我”便如同云层后的阳光，得以浮现，开始温和地重建她内心的秩序。

The "Waiting Room": A Sanctuary for the Protectors to Rest

Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, originally trained as a family systems therapist. In one of his many explanatory videos on Youtube, he illustrates a key concept: when family therapy sessions become too heated, asking one member to briefly step into another room can diffuse tension and allow clearer communication within the family unit. He ingeniously applied this insight to the individual psyche—conceptualizing a person's internal system as a family, where each part is a member. Thus, when a client's emotional tolerance nears its limit or their internal dialogue becomes chaotic, the therapist can invite the client to gently ask a dominant or intrusive part to step aside into an imagined "waiting room" for a temporary respite.

Establishing a genuinely effective waiting room is a profoundly creative process. It is a part of my work I particularly cherish for its playfulness, as it invites clients to draw upon their personal imagination. In collaboration with diverse individuals, I have witnessed a stunning variety of these inner sanctuaries, each a poignant reflection of the safety and comfort their psyche most craves. One client envisioned a sun-drenched beach hut with a cool coconut drink at hand; another, a living room filled with the warm crackle of vinyl records, accompanied by pancakes and a deeply inviting sofa; yet another, a silent library lit by candles, its walls lined with books.

Xuan’s waiting room was simpler—devoid of vibrant colors or elaborate decor—yet it was quiet and comforting. For her, the process of closing her eyes to connect with her inner world was unfamiliar and often led to internal disarray. Over months of sessions, I would guide her with phrases like, "I sense the Manager has many concerns right now; it's on high alert. You can tell it we have a waiting room. We will address every single one of its worries later, because it has been incredibly diligent in its duty to care for you. For now, we'd like to spend a little more time with the inner child. Would it be willing to go to the waiting room? If it's uneasy, we can leave the door open. It can still hear our conversation and see everything that happens. We simply hope it can step aside and allow a few minutes of quiet."

Gradually, the tenor of Xuan's internal dialogue began to soften. It evolved from the Manager's initial, absolute insistence that "it must stay here," to a reluctant, temporary withdrawal, and eventually to the Manager being able to remain in the waiting room for longer periods. Trauma work is not accomplished in a single session. It is more akin to tending a physical wound: it requires consistent, gentle attention—cleansing, disinfecting, and bandaging—over time. Whether this process spans weeks or years in once-weekly therapy depends on the depth of the trauma; the psyche, like the body, heals at its own pace, a rhythm we must respect.

For someone with an impatient disposition, the IFS process can feel painstakingly slow. Yet, its greatest strength lies precisely in this gentleness and non-coercion, which is why it is uniquely suited for the delicate, profound work of trauma recovery.

“等候室”：保护者可以休息的度假胜地

创始人理查德·史沃茨博士（Dr. Richard Schwartz）最初是一位家庭系统治疗师。油管上有很多他介绍IFS的视频，在其中一个视频中，他讲到，当一个家庭会议的场面过于激烈时，如果请某位家庭成员暂时离开房间，到另一个空间去等待一下，整个家庭的紧张感就能得到缓解，对话也可以更清晰地进行。于是，将这个智慧也用在了个体的内心工作上——把一个人的内在系统看成一个家庭，每个部分都是这个家庭的成员。当来访者的情绪耐受快到极限，或者内在谈话开始变得混乱时，咨询师可以邀请来访者，将此刻正在强势主导或干扰的某个部分，暂时请到另一个“房间”里休息一下。我把这个想象出来的空间，称为“等候室”（the waiting room）。

建立一个真正有效的“等候室”，其实是一个充满创造性的过程。我在咨询中遇见许多来访者带来的乐趣与个人特色。这正是我格外喜爱的工作环节。在与不同来访者的合作中，我见证了各式各样、极富生命色彩的等候室它们往往是内心最需要的那种安全与舒适的写照：有的是一间阳光充沛的海边小屋，手边有冰凉的椰汁；有的是一间飘着黑胶唱片旋律的客厅，配着松饼和一张可以深陷进去的大沙发；有的则是一间点着蜡烛、有一整面墙书籍的静谧书房……

璇璇的“等候室”比较简朴，没有丰富的色彩、也没有创意的装饰，但这里是安静舒适的。在咨询中，璇璇闭着眼睛去感受自己的内心是一个她不熟悉的过程，场面经常变得有些混乱。横跨数月的咨询中，引导到类似的一句话：“我感受到了现在管理员很有顾虑，它在辩护，你可以告诉它，我们有一个等候室，它所有的顾虑和心思我们稍后都会跟它聊，因为它非常尽职尽责的照顾着你，现在，我们想跟内在的这个小孩子多待一会儿，它愿意去到那个等候室吗？如果它不放心，我们可以开着门，它也可以听见我们的讲话，看见发生的一切。我们只希望它能过去，保持几分钟的安静。”

璇璇内心的对话有了初步的平缓。从最开始的“它（管理员）必须留在这里”，到极不愿意但可以暂时离开，再到管理者可以更长时间的在等候室里待着。创伤的工作，不是一次“管理员”的离开，跟“流放者”的一次对话我们就可以做完的。就像我们清理伤口，在一段时间里，每天都要清理、消毒、包扎一样。一周一次的咨询，根据来访创伤程度不同，可能几周，可能几年。身心疗愈都有自己的节奏，我们需要尊重这个节奏。IFS的咨询过程对一个急性子的人来讲，感受是非常缓慢的——它最大的优势也正在于这份温和与不强迫，这也是为什么IFS尤其适合创伤疗愈工作。

In the next chapter, we will enter the next phase of Xuan's therapy: as the inner clamor begins to quiet, the real work of reconstruction—mending the connections between parts, and between the parts and the Self—can truly begin. What kind of dialogue will this require? And what challenges might we encounter along the way? Stay tuned.

下一章，我们将进入璇璇咨询的下一个阶段：当内在的喧嚣得以暂歇，真正的重建工作——修复部分与部分之间、部分与真我之间的连接——才真正开始。这需要怎样的对话？又会遇见怎样的挑战？敬请期待。