Xuan(4)’s Estranged Allies | Internal Family Systems Therapy (6)

文章由作者秦小杰（心理咨询师，心理治疗师）用中文写作，后经deepseek翻译成英文，秉持：写作初心和来访咨询故事写作原则.

This article was originally written in Chinese by Qin Xiaojie (Counselor and Psychotherapist), and later translated into English with DeepSeek, adhering to the author’s original intent and principles of writing about client stories.

作者：秦小杰

Author: Xiaojie Qin 

时间：2025年12月

Time: Dec 2025 

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The Exhausted Manager: The Tyrant

"I have so many responsibilities. I can't stop. Doing well is simply what's expected, and failing deserves criticism." Xuanxuan sat across from me and offered this answer when I asked why she couldn't rest, even in exhaustion.

Within Xuanxuan's mind lives a part that functions like a relentless inner driver, perpetually pushing her forward without allowing a moment's breath. It is a stern, demanding presence—a ceaseless supervisor. In the language of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, it is called a Manager. For Xuanxuan, this Manager is exceptionally powerful, operating as an almost unchallengeable inner director that controls nearly every aspect of her life.

As someone living with bipolar disorder, Xuanxuan's Manager embodies the highly functional, driven pole of her emotional experience—the side that keeps her moving even amidst inner storms (a theme explored in Chapter 1: Xuanxuan's Polarized Life). She longs to pause, but the Manager won't allow it—a painful tension we will come to understand in Chapter 2: Xuanxuan - But I Can’t.

After several well-intentioned interventions fell short, I realized I needed to shift my approach. As her therapist, I stepped back from trying to "fix" and instead returned to my own core Self—the calm, curious, compassionate center we all possess. It was from this place that I could begin to truly witness and understand Xuanxuan's inner landscape (the focus of Chapter 3: Meeting Xuanxuan's Self).

疲惫的管理者：暴君

“我有很多责任要履行，我不能停，做好是应该的，做不好是该受批评的”——璇璇坐在我的对面，当我好奇她为什么疲惫也不能停下来时，她这样说到。

在璇璇的内心，有一个部分一直推着她跑，不让她喘息，这个部分非常严厉、苛刻，起到时时刻刻监督管理的角色。这就是内在家系统治疗（简称IFS）理论中的“管理者”。旋旋的管理者非常强大，几乎是一个不容置疑的‘暴君’，时时不停的管控一切。对于一个有双相情感障碍的来访璇璇来讲，这就是她双相风暴中高功能（来访璇璇的第一章）的一面，她想停，但停不下来（来访璇璇的第二章）。

作为她的咨询师，多次干预受挫后，我回归到我的“真我”去了解璇璇（来访璇璇的第三章）的内在体验。

The "Tyrant" Was Trying to Prevent a Disaster

But why does this "Tyrant" part hold such absolute power? IFS provides a framework for understanding, and in our sessions, the profound answer unfolded through our exploration.

Xuanxuan loves her children with all her heart. She cares for them tirelessly, yet the smallest parenting lapse can plunge her into a vortex of crushing self-blame. During our 21st session, I proposed what seemed a straightforward goal: to soften the intense shame that followed these minor mistakes.

To my surprise, the typically cooperative Xuanxuan hesitated. A shadow of doubt crossed her face—it was as if she wasn't sure she wanted to feel less distressed.

I was stunned. We had hit an unexpected wall.

What followed was ten minutes of palpable inner struggle. Finally, her gaze fell to her lap. "I can't," she whispered. "What if... if I'm not hard on myself, if I let my guard down... what if I become violent like my father?"

Her words pierced the room, instantly connecting to a confession from months prior. In our 11th session, she had shared a buried truth: years ago, in a rage she couldn't contain, she had struck her husband. There was another memory, even more difficult to voice—a moment of excessive punishment toward her child that’s too painful to recall. Behind her compassionate smile and relentless care for others lived what she called "the Brute", a part that could erupt when her own unprocessed childhood trauma was ignited.

In that moment of clarity, I understood. Xuanxuan's inner Tyrant’s harsh rule—the constant self-criticism and rigid control—was the only force it believed could keep the Brute at bay. To her entire being, on a gut-deep level, letting the Tyrant stand down felt like a direct threat to her family's safety. This wasn't a logical assessment, but a profound, trauma-forged conviction: that without its harsh control, ruin would follow.

Her hesitation was the work. A part of her was terrified of what "getting better" might mean. On a subconscious level, her logic was tragically sound: to heal meant to lower her guard. To lower her guard meant the rigid rules would loosen. And if those rules loosened... what then? The entire architecture of control, built over a lifetime to keep a devastating chaos at bay, would be at risk.

The fear wasn't of wellness, but of what wellness might unleash. It all crystallized into one core, haunting question: "What if I become like my father?"

‘暴君’是想避免灾难

但为什么‘暴君’部分如此强势？IFS有一个理论的答案。而在我们的咨询中，通过探索自然浮现出来。

璇璇很爱自己的孩子，她在能力范围内，去照顾他们，但也会经常因为自己的一些微小的失误，过度自责，陷入高度自责和内疚感中无法自拔。当我们在第二十一次咨询中，我提议将我们的工作短期目标里，添加一个降低因育儿小失误而产生的过度情绪反应，一个再常见不过的目标了。一向合作的她异常犹豫，她似乎不确定自己想不想去改变目前情绪反应过度的状态。

我一下愣住了，没有想到我们会在这里“卡壳”。

接着十几分钟的探索，她内心经历着肉眼可见的矛盾。最后，她低着头说：“不行…如果我对自己不严厉，如果我放松了控制，我变得和父亲一样暴力怎么办？”

这句话瞬间连接起我们第十一次咨询时，她才透露的秘密：几年前，在一次与丈夫的激烈争吵中，她曾有过失控的肢体冲突，也有过一次对孩子的让她无法启齿的过度体罚。那个总是带着社交微笑、有着超强助人意愿的人，内心也住着一个会在创伤被激发时夺权执政的‘暴徒’。

璇璇内心的‘暴君’ ——那个不断进行自我批评、实施着严苛控制的部分——深信唯有它的铁腕统治，才能天下太平。对她整个生命存在而言，在一种近乎本能的深度感受中，让‘暴君’退位，感觉上无异于直接威胁到她家人的安全。 这不是基于逻辑的判断，而是一种由创伤锻造出的、根深蒂固的信念：一旦失去这种严酷的控制，灾难必将降临。

她的犹豫，本身就是疗愈工作的一部分。 她内在的一部分，对于“变好”可能意味着什么，感到深深的恐惧。在潜意识层面，她的逻辑具有一种悲剧性的“正确性”：康复意味着放下戒备，放下戒备意味着那些僵硬的规则将会松动，而如果规则松动了……然后呢？

所以，当我提出‘我们做些工作，来缓解你过度的内疚和自责’时，一种莫名的恐惧在她心中升起。这种恐惧在一个以强大为豪的来访身上，通常很难察觉，本人更是无法轻易言说。璇璇的对情绪反应调整的犹豫，指向一个更深的信念：她穷尽一生构建的、用以防范内心混乱的整个控制体系，正面临坍塌的风险。这个潜藏的恐惧，最终在她那句反复萦绕的自我拷问中，找到了它最精确也最痛楚的表达：

‘万一我变得像我父亲一样怎么办？’

The "Brute" Is Actually a Firefighter

Let's get to know this "Brute." From the perspective of IFS, this seemingly destructive part is actually understood to be a loyal Firefighter — when buried pain is about to breach its dam, it takes over the system at all costs. It engages in wildly extravagant shopping sprees or seemingly irrational physical conflicts, using these intense experiences to forcibly mask or suppress the pain. Its logic is simple and extreme: extinguish the fire immediately, no matter the cost.

Even the numbness and detached dissociation of depressive episodes are a mode of operation for this Firefighter. When overstimulation becomes unbearable, it "pulls the plug," switching the system into a low-power, dormant state.

Therefore, Xuanxuan's Firefighter always operates between two extremes: either the frantic firefighting of hyper-arousal or the complete shutdown of hypo-arousal. This corresponds precisely to the loss of one's window of emotional tolerance — in the storm, Xuanxuan could no longer stay within a moderate level of arousal that allows oneself to function sustainably.

‘暴徒’实际是一个“消防员”

我们来认识下这个‘暴徒’吧。这个看似极具破坏性的部分，在IFS的视角下，却被理解为一个忠实的“消防员”——当深埋的痛苦即将冲破堤坝，它便会不顾一切地接管系统，可以大手笔完全不计后果的疯狂购物，似乎失去理智的肢体冲突等，用这些强烈体验来强行掩盖或抑制痛苦。它的逻辑简单而极端：不惜任何代价，立刻把火扑灭。即便是抑郁期那种麻木、隔绝的解离感，其实也是消防员的一种工作模式：当过度刺激无法承受，它便通过“拉闸断电”的方式，将系统切换到低耗能的休眠状态。

因此，璇璇消防员的行动模式总在两个极端间摆荡：要么是过度激醒(hyper-arousal)的奋力扑救，要么是低度激醒(hypo-arousal)的彻底封闭，这正对应着一个人情绪耐受窗的失守——在风暴中，璇璇已无法停留在适度的唤醒水平内。

Two Protectors, One Sacred Duty: Shielding the Exile.

Although their methods may appear extreme, the harshness of the Tyrant and the explosiveness of the Brute are guided by a shared, desperate loyalty. Their mission is to shield the system's most vulnerable core: the Exile. This is the wounded child who carries the earliest, deepest pain.

She is the little girl who grew up in a home overshadowed by violence. She witnessed years of cruelty, absorbing the fear and helplessness that filled the air. Even with a small backpack on her shoulders, she herself became a target of her father's rage. Those experiences etched fundamental beliefs into her being: I am not good enough and I am unworthy of love. Alongside these painful truths, her heart also holds vast, unprocessed mountains of anger—a silent storm waiting within.

‘暴君’、‘暴徒’终究保护‘流放者’

虽然内在的“暴君”和“暴徒”有极端倾向，但他们行为背后，其实最终想要保护的，是那个最底层的部分“流放者”——童年遭受家暴的受伤小女孩，她目睹了多年母亲被肢体和语言暴力，她还是一个背着小书包的姑娘时，就被父亲暴力对待，内心刻下“我不够好”、“我不值得被爱”核心信念的部分，同时，她的内心也有堆积如山而未被处理的愤怒。

In the next chapter, 5^th installment of Xuanxuan’s therapy story, I will use a real dialogue from our session to show how, in just over ten minutes, the interplay of Xuanxuan's three inner parts allowed her to vividly re-experience the emotional storm of her "bipolar" reality.

下一章，即璇璇咨询故事的第五章，我将通过一段咨询室内的真实对话，来呈现璇璇的三个内在部分是如何在短短十几分钟内交互作用，让她从切身体验中，再次活现出其“双相”的情感风暴。