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Purpose | Life’s Momentum

Nha Trang, Vietnam

27th May 2017

Nha Trang, Vietnam

It is a special day today. I have lived 3 more years.

I’ve had 3 more years to witness the miracle that life is.

Winter in Beijing strips everything down.

I saw the leaves leaving the tree.

The trunks stand alone in the frozen cold winter.

It looks dead,

But you know life will return when spring comes.

I didn't know I would come back.

3 years ago, during my epic depressive episode,

My very much alive body was looking at my dead soul,

Day after day.

Nothing is more of a torture than

When life has buried you and leave you with only breath.

Turpan, Xinjiang, China 2017

It wasn’t until this day,

3 years ago,

That I realized a tiny part of me didn’t want to vanish.

That I asked myself this question,

The most important question that I’ve ever asked myself:

“What if you just try to live with winter?

This winter might be a long one.

Another 2 or 3 years if you are lucky.

Then perhaps, you’ll come out of it,

And live a normal life,

Where eating, walking, and breathing no longer take unbearable effort.”

I looked up into the sky

I said,

“Let’s see how that goes.”

That officially marked the day that I was no longer suicidal.

I still didn't want to live,

But I was walking back.

Unexpectedly, I came out of the depression 3 months later.

Suffering = pain + resistance. I read about it in an article.

My suffering was alleviated because I accepted my pain

And allowed it to be part of my life.