The article was written by the author in English, and translated by Deepseek to Chinese. 文章由作者用英文撰写，后经Deepseek翻译成中文，作者校对后发表。中文版在页面第二部分。 Author:  Xiaojie Qin 2025.08 Beijing (With client’s consent to share) About Rose December 2023. Rose (name changed), a woman in her late 40s, came to see me through recommendations. She presented as what I call an  "advanced client" —who had not only built a stable life as a Beijing expat, but had done the hard work of personal growth for years. The immediate trigger was the rupture of a decade-long friendship that had served as an emotional anchor. "I've worked on my somatic system before—it really helped,"  she told me in that first session, demonstrating the self-awareness. Rose knew her psychology basics, could articulate her presenting issues, and key childhood background, and had clearly benefited from previous therapeutic work. We worked for 9 months together, which she showed up: consistently punctual, deeply engaged in our rhythm of sessions, and with that gold combination of kindness and determination that predicts therapeutic progress. Her resourcefulness wasn't just impressive—it was the foundation we'd build on. Joyful Progress Our work together progressed quickly. We began by addressing the grief surrounding the close friendship loss that had initially brought her to therapy. As we moved forward, we turned our focus to her lifelong anxiety using Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), targeting two core themes: "I am responsible", which improved her boundary setting abilities through reduction of fear, and "I am in danger" - both rooted in her fundamental belief that "the world is dangerous.", which caused anxiety associated with hyper-vigilance (significant childhood trauma). Rose responded remarkably well to the reprocessing. Each session concluded with her SUD （Subjective Units of Disturbance）scores dropping to 0, and she reported tangible improvements in her daily life: her sleep quality increased, the nightmares reduced, and she experienced moments of unexpected joy.  "I just felt this pure joy in my heart,"  she shared during one session,  "something I hadn't felt in years."  During this time, after a decade of being single, Rose entered a new relationship. Witnessing these changes filled me with that particular satisfaction unique to our profession. A Therapeutic Impasse "I feel on the edge of big shifts,"  she told me. While we celebrated our therapy progress, yet, one persistent challenge remained, a source of deep frustration for both Rose and I. Now we arrived at the third and last stage of our journey - the moment to revisit what I'd noted in Session 8 but set aside. (As a therapist who values structure, I often park issues that don't directly relate to our current focus.) Back then, Rose had mentioned: "When I try to do one thing, my mind does the opposite." Being exceptionally committed to her therapeutic work, Rose diligently practiced the mindful exercises I assigned – guided imagery to be precise, which we worked on both in sessions and as homework. Yet despite her efforts, she kept encountering the same obstacles when doing visualization:  "You (your guidance) are far ahead, and I am still trying to get up,"  she'd report,  "my ankles tangled in vines,"  or  "I keep tripping on the path."  Her frustration grew with each failed attempt, mirroring my own professional puzzlement. What made this especially perplexing was that Rose could visualize easily when self-directed; it was only during guided imagery that she struggled. Even across different EMDR reprocessing themes, her visualizations consistently followed a similar arc: beginning with darkness and ending with light. Connecting these dots proved challenging. We'd uncovered something profound yet elusive.  Therapy , I reminded myself, isn't about having immediate answers -  it's a process of carefully testing hypotheses, session by session, like navigating a maze where the treasure is deeper understanding . Both exhilarating and daunting. Using Parts: IFS at Work Having tried almost everything else I had, I decided to give ‘parts work’ (I sometimes use this term to refer to IFS, as many other practitioners do) a whirl, applying it to our guided imagery experience, which Rose struggles with, and just see how that would go. The next few sessions, we took a very focused approach, a process with guided imagery work together as center piece, while I blend that with IFS’s parts approach. Stairs and the Second Room "Close your eyes. I’ll count from 10 to 1 to guide you walking down a stair case of 10 steps."  I guided. "1, and you reach the bottom and you are in a room." I borrowed the classic guided imagery exercises from hypnosis. I flavored it with a door that opens up to another room. "You’ll see there’s a door in this room. Go over there, and open it. What do you see?" In three sessions, we kept using the same guided imagery. Rose's descent was anything but smooth. Her feet caught on invisible obstacles, her balance wavered as if the stairs themselves resisted her. Something nasty was at play. It was so easy to assume that part as a "messer," a "meddler." When she finally reached the room—it was  dark . The door within that room opened only to reveal more  darkness .  This darkness was so consistent in all the visualization work we do. "No matter how earnestly you try to follow instructions, there's a part of you that consistently pushes back with equal force,"  I commented. Rose sat with this observation for a while, then remembered her childhood home—a place where every truth came in competing versions.  "Grandma said one thing, Mom said another. I never learned how to tell which was right."  Her voice carried the lingering confusion of that little girl who'd been given contradictory compasses.  "So what you are saying is that you’ve been trying to meet an expectation which you don’t even know what that is. " I paraphrased and summarized what Rose said, a malfunctioning intermediate belief (yes, a CBT term. Learn more:  Xiaojie on Cognitive Behavior Therapy: A Therapist's Honest Take ). In this session, it revealed that young Rose had learned to police her own innocent thoughts ( "Jesus has a penis" —immediately followed by  "That's wrong to think that!" ), to avoid  ‘hell's punishment’  (growing up with a grandma that’s ‘deeply religious’) for mental slips she couldn't control.  "I'm supposed to..." was resisted. I thought to myself: What if the element that prevents her from following the guidance—this "I am supposed to"—isn't a villain, but a part of her that's crying to be seen, that requires freedom from the 'rules'? In our next session, we returned to the  Stairs and the Second Room  imagery—this time I blended it with a parts work approach. As Rose began the visualization, I guided her to identify the distinct aspects of herself at play: First emerged the  Trying Part —the diligent follower executing each instruction precisely, determined to "do it right." Then came the  Critic Part,  that internal judge demanding perfect compliance.  "Could this part take a break in the waiting room?"  I suggested, invoking our pre-established safe space with music and cake—an environment we'd tested in prior sessions where her  Critic Part  (thinking self) could relax. Then we turned to the vines and barriers that typically triggered Rose's frustration.  "What if,"  I offered gently,  "you stop and take a look at them with compassion and curiosity." The  Protector Part  revealed itself as Rose described a sensation like cement blocks—heavy, immovable. “What does this block say?”  I asked. "Stop!"  Rose replied. "I don't know why, but I feel so sad,"  she said with trembling voice, and cried. Never in our session, Rose showed any strong emotions previously. "What does this part look like, and what does it need?"  I asked. The image clarified: "Young... It just wants to be held."  Rose replied. “Does your body feel any special sensations?”  I asked. “My chest and core area are tingling”.  Rose said. The cement wasn't an obstacle; it was a frozen child, armored in stone. I took a long pause, giving them some time. Two weeks later, in what would become our final session together, we revisited the  Stairs and the Second Room  exercises once more. This time, Rose descended with newfound ease. Along the way, she encountered that young part again—the one we'd uncovered weeks before—and without hesitation, she gathered it into her arms with tender care. When the moment came to open the door, her voice lifted with quiet wonder:  " It's bright now.  There are birds... and trees." There it was—the shift on the edge had turned. I smiled, and so did Rose Disclaimer:   I wrote this article in English. I used Deepseek to translate my writing from English to Chinese as a draft, which I use to finalize the Chinese version of my article. I worked with Deepseek for one purpose of editorial role: to refine this article - improving grammar, clarifying ideas, and smoothing the flow - while carefully preserving my personal voice, therapeutic perspective, and original intent. All therapeutic insights and opinions remain my own.  心理咨询师治疗师:  秦小杰 2025年8月北京 从黑暗到光明：一位来访者的意象转变｜内在家庭系统疗法（2） (经来访者授权分享) 关于蕊芬（化名） 2023年12月，年近五十的蕊芬经人推荐找到我。她是我所说的 "高领悟力来访者" ——在北京居住多年建立了稳定生活的外国人，她一直持续进行深度自我成长。讲她推向咨询室的导火索，是她一段维系数十年的支柱性友谊的破裂。 "我之前做过躯体疗法，效果很好。"  首次会谈时她这样说道，言语间透着清醒的自我觉察。蕊芬具备心理学基础知识，能清晰表述主诉问题与关键童年经历，此前的心理咨询也显然令她获益。 我们共同工作了九个月。这段日子里，她总是准时赴约，深度投入每一次会谈，兼具温和与坚韧的特质——这种黄金组合往往是疗愈进展的预示。她的资源丰富性不仅令人印象深刻，更成为我们工作的基石。 让我惊喜的咨询进展 我们的咨询工作进展迅速。最初我们处理的是促使她前来咨询的那段重要友谊破裂带来的哀伤。随着咨询推进，我们通过眼动脱敏与再加工治疗（EMDR）聚焦于她长期存在的焦虑问题，主要针对两个核心主题： 一是"我必须负责"——这个主题的改善显著提升了她的边界设定能力，恐惧感明显减轻； 二是"我身处危险"——她童年遭受过严重创伤，所以她的潜意识里会有"世界很危险"的基本信念，这种信念导致她长期处于过度警觉的焦虑状态。 蕊芬对咨询的反应令人欣喜。每次眼动身心重建疗法（EMDR）会谈结束后，她的主观困扰程度（SUD）评分都降至0分，日常生活中也出现了切实改善：睡眠质量提高、噩梦减少，甚至开始体验到久违的快乐时刻。 "我感受到一种纯粹的喜悦从心底涌出，" 她在某次会谈中分享， "我已经很多年没有这种感觉了。" 在此期间，单身十年的蕊芬也开始了一段新恋情。作为咨询师，见证这些转变带来的满足感，是这个职业独有的馈赠。 咨询中的瓶颈 "我能感受到，我生命即将会有一个重大转。" 她这样告诉我。虽然我们为咨询进展欢欣鼓舞，但一个顽固的困境始终存在，成为蕊芬和我共同深感挫败的根源。 此刻，我们来到了咨询旅程的第三阶段，也是最终章——是时候重新审视我在第八次咨询中记录却暂未处理的问题了。（作为注重咨询过程结构的咨询师，我常将那些与当下焦点不直接相关的议题暂时搁置。）当时蕊芬曾说： "每当我想做某件事时，我的思维总背道而驰。" 对咨询极其投入的蕊芬，始终认真完成我布置的冥想练习——具体而言是引导性意象训练，我们在咨询中演练，她也坚持作为家庭作业。然而尽管竭尽全力，相同的阻碍总反复出现： "您（的引导）已经走得很远，而我还在原地挣扎，" 她会这样描述， "脚踝被藤蔓缠绕" ，或是 "在小径上反复跌倒" 。每次受挫都加剧着她的沮丧，也折射出我作为咨询师的困惑。最令人费解的是，蕊芬在自主意象中表现自如，唯独在引导意象时举步维艰。即便在不同主题的EMDR再加工过程中，她的意象也始终遵循相似轨迹： 始于黑暗 ，终于光明。 串联这些线索并非易事。我们触碰到某些深邃却难以把握的东西。已经快没耐心的我，提醒自己，咨询本就不是提供即时答案——它是在迷宫中谨慎验证假设的过程，而宝藏正是更深层的理解。这令人既振奋，又敬畏。 运用部分工作：IFS的实践 (经来访者授权分享) 在尝试了几乎所有方法后，我决定试试"部分工作"（我有时会用这个说法来指代IFS，就像许多其他临床工作者那样），将其应用到蕊芬一直很挣扎的引导性意象体验中，看看效果如何。接下来几次咨询，我们采取了非常聚焦的方式，以引导性意象工作为核心过程，同时融入IFS的部分工作方法。 下台阶和门 "闭上眼睛。我会从10倒数到1，引导你走下10级台阶，" 我引导到。 "数到1时，你就到达底部，进入一个房间。" 我借用了催眠中的经典引导性意象练习，并加入了自己的调整： 增加一扇通往另一个房间的门。 "你会看到这个房间里有扇门。走过去，打开它。你看到了什么？" 在三次咨询中，我们持续使用同样的引导性意象。蕊芬的"下行"过程一点也不顺利。她的脚会被看不见的障碍绊住，身体摇晃仿佛楼梯本身在抗拒她。显然有什么东西在作祟。很容易就会把这个部分假设为 "捣乱者"、"干扰者" 。当她终于到达房间时——里面一片漆黑。房间里的那扇门打开后，露出的仍是 黑暗。 "无论你多么认真地尝试遵循指示，总有一个部分在以同样的力度抗拒。" 我评论道。 蕊芬沉思了一会儿，然后想起了童年的家——一个每个真相都存在竞争版本的地方。 "外婆说一套，妈妈说的又是另一套。我从来不知道哪个是对的。" 她的声音里带着那个被给予矛盾指南针的小女孩残留的困惑。 "所以你是说，你一直在试图满足一个连你自己都不清楚是什么的期望？" 我转述并总结了蕊芬的话，这是一个功能失调的中间信念（是的，一个CBT术语。了解更多，查看小杰撰写的： 认知行为疗法：心理咨询师坦白局 ）。这次咨询揭示出，年幼的蕊芬学会了审查自己天真的想法（ "耶稣有小JJ" ——立刻跟着 "这么想是错的！" ），为她无法控制的思想"失误"，为逃避"地狱的惩罚"（成长于一个有着"极度虔诚"外婆的环境）。 "我应该......" 遭到了抵抗。我暗自思考：如果阻碍她跟随指引的这个元素——这个"我应该"——不是恶棍，而是一个渴望被看见、需要从'规则'中解脱的部分呢？ 在下一次咨询中，我们重新回到 下台阶和门 意象——这次我将其与部分工作方法相结合。当蕊芬开始意象时，我引导她识别正在运作的不同自我部分： 首先出现的是" 尝试部分 "——那个一丝不苟执行每个指令、决心"做对"的勤勉追随者。然后是" 批评部分 "，那个要求完美服从的内在评判者。"这个部分可以去等候室休息吗？"我建议道，调用我们预先建立的、有音乐和蛋糕的安全空间——这个环境我们在之前的咨询中测试过，她的" 批评部分 "（思考自我）可以在那里放松。 接着我们转向通常会触发蕊芬挫败感的藤蔓和障碍物。 "如果，" 我温和地提议， "你停下来，带着慈悲和好奇看看它们呢？" "保护部分" 显现出来，蕊芬描述它像水泥块一样——沉重、不可撼动。 “这块水泥在说什么？” 我问到。 "停下！" 她说。 "我不知道为什么，但我现在觉得非常悲伤，" 这句话，她声音颤抖，伴随着一下决堤式的哭声。在我们的咨询中，蕊芬从未展现过如此强烈的情绪。 "这个部分看起来什么样？它需要什么？" 我问。 意象变得清晰： "它很小...它只想被抱住，" 蕊芬回答。 "你的身体有什么特殊感觉吗？"  我接着问道。 "我的胸口和腹部有一阵阵酥麻的电流感。" 那些水泥不是障碍；它们是一个披着石头盔甲的冰冻孩童。我停顿了很长时间，给她们一些空间。 两周后，也是我们最后一次咨询中，我们再次进行了 下台阶和门 意象练习。这一次，蕊芬的下行过程变得异常轻松。途中，她再次遇见了那个年幼的部分——我们几周前发现的那个——毫不犹豫地，她温柔地将它搂入怀中。 当我引导她第三次来到头脑里的这扇门口，她推开了门，声音带着安静的惊叹：" 现在很明亮 ...有鸟儿...还有树。" 就在那里——转折终于发生了。我微笑起来，蕊芬也是。 特别声明： 1.我用英文写作该文章，然后由Deepseek完成英文至中文的翻译。 2.这篇文章在撰写过程中，使用了Deepseek，仅限于编辑润色：对文章进行语法优化、观点澄清及行文流畅性调整，但严格保留我的个人风格、专业理念与核心观点。所有心理咨询见解与立场均出自本人

July 2025,  Xiaojie Qin , director of CandleX, was invited by a diplomatic organization in Chongqing to lead a bilingual (Chinese and English) mental health workshop for employees after organizational restructuring. The group—primarily Chinese professionals—required a culturally attuned approach. Instead of deep emotional processing, the focus was on  gentle awareness, emotional literacy, and collective forward movement . A Framework for Subtle yet Impactful Growth Drawing from Xiaojie’s experiences in improv comedy and therapeutic frameworks like  Social-Emotional Learning (SEL)  and  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) , we designed exercises that: Normalized emotions  without pressure to "open up" (e.g., "emotional literacy games both in Chinese and in English for both language groups"). Built trust gradually  through light, reflective activities (e.g., resourcing exercises that guide the group to answer the questions listed at the beginning of the workshop). Focused on team cohesion , using improv games such as mirror games, and ball games like "reflection on collaboration, and personal role at a workplace" to frame resilience as a shared effort. Our Approach: Safety in structure:  Reserved groups often engage more when given clear, low-pressure prompts. Small steps toward awareness:  It’s common that Chinese employees had never discussed emotions at work—simply naming feelings (e.g., "stress," "uncertainty") was progress. Forward momentum:  We prioritized practical tools (e.g., grounding techniques, reframing thoughts) over revisiting the restricting itself. Key Insight for Organizations In cross-cultural or reserved settings, meeting people where they are is transformative. This workshop proved that even modest shifts—like acknowledging emotions or aligning on team strengths—can lay the groundwork for post-restructuring repair and growth.

Author 作者: Xiaojie Qin 秦小杰  2025/08 Beijing Intro: The First Chord – When All My Parts Were Acknowledged Wow, this song came out in 2006. It’s been two decades since I first fell in love with India Arie’s  The Wings of Forgiveness . I had found that the art of simplicity. Simply means making peace with your complexity As a young adult first dipping my toes into life’s deeper waters, these lyrics struck a chord. I couldn’t quite articulate why they resonated—only that they mirrored a truth I sensed but hadn’t named: that we’re never just ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ like the pass/fail simplicity of school grades. Hmm… complicated. We’re woven from layers, contradictions—what I’d later come to know as parts. And unlike school’s harsh judgments, these parts don’t need to be banished. We can learn to sit with them, even the messy ones. This idea of complexity acknowledges every facet of life and ourselves. It’s what I’ve spent my adult life learning to embrace and coordinate, rather than reject with fear or hatred. As a therapist expanding my toolbox, I stumbled upon Internal Family Systems (IFS). That same chord resonated again—that familiar feeling of gentle, tolerant embrace. I dove into learning and practicing it without hesitation. I know this ‘love at first sight’ well, whether with  swing dance ,  Brazilian jiujitsu , or now, IFS. Let me try to explain it simply: IFS Therapy was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s. IFS views a person as a system of parts—each with distinct roles and desires, yet all ultimately serving the person’s best interest. In mentally healthy individuals, these parts collaborate harmoniously. But trauma can leave parts wounded or burdened, causing dysfunction: parts may fight each other, overcompensate, or shut down. This internal conflict can manifest as emotional struggles, physical symptoms, or even mental health conditions as extreme as dissociative identity disorder. 前奏：第一个和弦——当所有"部分"被看见时 天，这首歌居然是2006年发行的。曾几何时，我很喜欢听India Arie的歌曲，很多并不是情歌，而是对生活的反思和描述，我一直非常爱的《 The Wings of Forgiveness (宽恕之翼)》 这首歌，居然已经离发行日期过去近二十年了。 I had found that the art of simplicity 我发现简单的艺术 Simply means making peace with your complexity 就是与你的复杂和解 当年刚接触这首歌的我，还是个黄毛丫头 （当然好像确实也染了褐色的头发，太巧了），这句歌词像拨动了我某根心弦。说不上为什么被打动，只觉得它映照了我说不清的直觉：学校去评价我们是用及格与否的二元思维来衡量我们，但也许我们每个人都有不同的维度组成，很湿复杂。我们由层层不同的特点组成，有时还会相互矛盾——后来我尝试着用'部分'这个次去拆解难以表达的自我。和学校的粗暴评判不同，也和家长希望的改造不同，部分无需被驱逐，每一个不‘部分’都必不可少，而我们可以学着让它们共处，哪怕是那些乱糟糟的部分。 这种对复杂的认知，成了我成年后一直在学习的课题：不是用恐惧或厌恶去拒绝，而是接纳并协调生命的每个棱面。 当我作为心理咨询师拓展技能时，我接触了很多不同的咨询流派。而当我去认识'内在家庭系统疗法'(IFS)时，当我听到‘ 部分 ’这个概念，那根心弦再次被拨动——那种熟悉的、温柔包容的共鸣感。我毫不犹豫地投身学习和实践。这种'一见钟情'我很熟悉，二十几岁时的站在舞池里第一次跳 摇摆舞 、三十几岁时在地垫上被人压的起不来的第一节 巴西柔术 课。 我简单介绍下内在家庭系统疗法'(IFS)吧：内部家庭系统疗法（IFS）由理查德·施瓦茨博士于20世纪80年代创立。IFS把一个人看作由不同'部分'组成的系统，每个部分都有独特需求和功能，本质上都在保护你。部分协作顺畅时，你的心理趋于健康；但生活中，难免有创伤，这些遭遇会让某些部分受伤或不堪重负，导致它们互相打架、过度补偿或彻底罢工。这种内战可能表现为情绪问题、身体症状，甚至解离性身份障碍这样的严重问题。 Head: Fractured Harmony – Every Voice Has a Story If life’s a song, we are all singers. We sometimes sing off-key or lose the beat— a therapist’s role is to hear each voice’s solo, and help you harmonize the chaos, until every part finds its pitch. (Fun fact—this musical metaphor became real to me thanks to my music mentor Feng dawei this year, who taught me what it truly means to be "off-key" and "in harmony." Unrelated to therapy, yet profoundly connected.) “Internal Family Systems—is this family therapy?"  The answer’s no.  Family  here means the unshakable bonds between all internal parts of an individual: the Managers, Exiles, Firefighters, and crucially, the  Self —each an indispensable member of your psyche’s household. IFS’s naming (and whole approach) is unapologetically  right-brain : poetic, ‘less scientific,’ but that’s precisely what disarms resistance with gray-area flexibility. Compare this to Cognitive Behavior Therapy (for more info, check out ‘ Xiaojie on Cognitive Behavior Therapy: A Therapist's Honest Take ’ ), which stamps clinical terms like  Cognitions  and  Behaviors  right in its name, CBT’s structured lists ( cognitive distortions! positive/negative behaviors! ) ironically mirror the  black-and-white thinking  that is famously on its  distortion list . Meanwhile, IFS whispers:  "What if all your  parts —even the ‘problem’ ones—are just trying to help?"  That right there—the attitude, or qualities (what ACT would call values)—points to IFS’s  Self : the  8Cs  and  5Ps . 主歌：破碎的和声——你的每个声音，都有来处 若人生如歌，你我皆是歌者。 我们难免走调失拍，而治疗师的工作，便是听懂每个声部的独奏， 帮你在混沌中和声，让每个声音回归自己的音准。 （说来有趣——这个音乐比喻的实现，要特别感谢我今年的音乐良师益友，才华横溢的冯大维，是他让我真正理解了什么是"走调"与"和声"。这与心理治疗无关，却奇妙地相通。） “ 内在家庭系统疗法（IFS） ——这是家庭治疗吗？”答案是否定的。这里的"家庭"指的是个体内部所有部分之间不可撼动的联结： 管理者（Managers） 、 放逐者（Exiles） 、 消防员（Firefighters） ，以及最关键的" 真我（Self） "——它们都是你心灵家园中不可或缺的成员。 IFS的命名（及其整体方法）毫不掩饰地偏向右脑思维：充满诗意、"不那么科学"，但正是这种灰色地带的灵活性消解了人们的心理防御。相比之下，认知行为疗法（CBT，参见我的另一篇文章:  认知行为治疗｜心理咨询师小杰的坦白局 ）直接把"认知"和"行为"这类临床术语嵌在名称里——颇具讽刺意味的是，它那些结构化清单（认知扭曲！积极/消极行为！）恰恰在某种程度上复刻了其经典扭曲清单中最典型的"非黑即白"思维模式。 与此同时，IFS却轻声问道：" 如果你所有的内在部分——包括那些'问题成员'——都只是想帮你呢？" 这种态度或特质（ACT疗法称之为"价值观"）恰恰指向了IFS的核心——"真我"（Self）的 八大特质（8C） 和 五大品质（5P） 。 The Next Song: My Client Rose and the Healing Process With Rose's generous permission (name changed for confidentiality), I'll share our real therapeutic journey—how IFS helped us navigate a moment of therapeutic impasse and create transformative change. When I reconnected with her to request consent, I learned something beautiful: A full year after our sessions ended, Rose continues working with  parts  on her own through reading, discovering new layers of healing and growth. 下一首歌：我的来访者蕊芬 蕊芬（化名）于2023年底开始与我进行心理咨询。衷心感谢她允许我分享我们咨询过程中的关键片段——当我们的工作遇到瓶颈时，正是IFS的"部分"（Parts）理念和技术帮助我们突破了困境。最近因文稿需要与她联系确认时，我很欣喜地得知：她现在生活得很好，并且一直在自主研读"部分"心理学相关书籍，这些知识至今仍在滋养着她的成长。 Disclaimer:   I wrote this article in English. I used Deepseek to translate my writing from English to Chinese as a draft, which I use to finalize the Chinese version of my article. I worked with Deepseek for one purpose of editorial role: to refine this article - improving grammar, clarifying ideas, and smoothing the flow - while carefully preserving my personal voice, therapeutic perspective, and original intent. All therapeutic insights and opinions remain my own.  特别声明： 1. 我用英文写作该文章，然后由Deepseek完成英文至中文的文本初步翻译，我在此基础上完成中文编辑写作。 2. 这篇文章在撰写过程中，使用了Deepseek，仅限于编辑润色：对文章进行语法优化、观点澄清及行文流畅性调整，但严格保留我的个人风格、专业理念与核心观点。所有心理咨询见解与立场均出自本人

As society continues to develop, the profession of psychotherapy has also received increasing attention in recent years. If you are planning to enter this field, you may be looking for more learning, practice, and employment opportunities. You may also be looking for insight into the career and life of a practicing psychotherapist. This insightful 90-minute Q&A based webinar will explore these topics and provide you with valuable knowledge regarding different graduate programs, as well as advantages and disadvantages of pursuing this path.  You will come away with a clearer understanding of whether a degree in the field of psychology aligns with your strengths, personality, and desired lifestyle. This webinar will be organized by Ms. Qin Xiaojie , the director of CandleX and a registered counselor/psychotherapist in China and Australia. Cost: 150RMB (no refund) Event time:  Periodically, please add Summer for inquires via the QR code below Online: Tencent Meeting Language: English or Chinese (depending on the language of the participants) Content: 10 minute presentation+80 minute Q&A 随着社会不断发展，心理咨询师这个职业在近几年也越来越受到关注。如果你正计划着进入这个领域，如果你想了解更多的学习、实践和就业机会，以及做为一名心理咨询从业人员的真实职业和生活状态，我们的在线分享活动将为你答疑解惑。 这次分享活动会由CandleX始然心理的创始人和总监，中国三级心理咨询师、心理治疗师秦小杰女士，来分享和回答大家的问题。 费用：150元(无退款) 活动时间： 不定期举行，请添加协调员summer询问 活动地点：腾讯在线会议 活动内容：10分钟演讲+80分钟问答 语言：中文或者英文（根据报名情况确定） 活动流程：分享会参与者，请提前准备问题，以确保大家得到自己需要的相关信息。 报名：请添加Summer的微信 This webinar will cover the following key areas: Graduate Degree Psychotherapy is a branch of psychology- how to decide whether to pursue a major in psychotherapy or another kind of psychology degree How to apply for master's degree in psychology with a bachelor's degree other than psychology How to optimize your resume to apply for a psychology major Studying Abroad The differences in psychotherapy degrees in various countries (UK, USA, Australia) The impact of having a degree on future employment in China and foreign countries Employment At present, the counseling/psychotherapy market in China lacks standardization; guidance for how to maintain ethical career development The skills, background, and experience required by employers; understanding the current market Career and Personal Matching Index Each profession has its unique characteristics. How to determine whether your interests, hobbies, personality traits, and expected lifestyle are suitable to be a counselor. Main points to understand when choosing this profession Note: Xiaojie has a Master's degree in counseling from Monash University in Australia. She is a registered as a psychological counselor, and a certified psychotherapist in China. For those who need to have a deep understanding of degrees and job markets in other countries, please be aware of this. 这次分享会将涉及以下几个重点方面： 学科 心理咨询是心理学的一个分支，如何考虑是读心理咨询还是读其他心理学科的专业； 针对本科学历不是心理学的硕士申请者，如何跨行申请。 如何更好的准备你的简历，让你在心理专业申请上加分。 留学 心理咨询的学位在不同的几个发达国家（英国、美国、澳大利亚）的差异; 以及学位对今后执照在中国或者外国就业的影响。 就业 目前国内心理咨询市场服务提供者鱼龙混杂、市场缺乏规范，心理咨询师的良性发展路径； 雇主所需的技能、背景和经验，以及目前市场上的工作和就业情况。 职业和个人匹配指数 每个职业都有它的特性，你的兴趣爱好、个性特征以及期待的生活工作方式是否适合做心理咨询，将心理咨询当作职业你应该了解的主要内容。 备注：主讲人的背景是澳洲的心理咨询硕士学位，中国三级心理咨询师和心理治疗师，对于需要深度了解其他国家的学位和就业市场请合理期待。 This webinar will provide enthusiasts with a guide towards entering the field of counseling/psychotherapy, while stimulating more competitiveness and professionalism within the industry. If you would like to learn more, please sign up to join our discussion. Ms Qin Xiaojie's introduction. Scan the QR code to follow her psychotherapy wechat account. 这次在线分享活动将为爱好者们提供一个进入这个领域的重要途径，也将为咨询行业提供更多竞争力和专业性。如果你想了解更多的信息，欢迎加入我们的讨论。 秦小杰女士的简介如下。请扫码关注秦小杰女士的心理健康视频号。 全中文秦女士小红书

(中文在文章末) Xiaojie Qin Aug 2025 "I tend to the whispers of humanity in therapy rooms, then echo them into the world." I am a psychotherapist that works in two dimensions: In the quiet , where I sit with clients one-on-one or in small groups, doing the deep, intimate work of healing;  In the public eye , where I amplify mental health awareness—translating patterns of resilience and collective strength into tools for the broader community. What defines me is the bridge I build between these spaces. The therapy room reveals universal truths about suffering and growth; my passion lies in carrying those truths outward, with sensitivity and rigor, so they resonate far beyond its walls. I am not just a therapist. I am a translator of the human experience. Ms. Xiaojie Qin is a certified counselor and psychotherapist in China, holding both the Chinese National Level 3 Psychological Counseling Certificate and National Level Psychotherapy Certificate. She holds a Master’s in Counseling from Monash University (Australia) and a Master’s in Development Evaluation from the University of Antwerp (Belgium). In the first decade of her career, she served as a program coordinator and an evaluation specialist in global development, working extensively with international NGOs. Building on this experience, she founded CandleX in 2015 - a mental health organization where she now serves as director, combining her cross-cultural expertise with psychological practice. With extensive professional experience, Ms. Qin offers individual, couples, and group therapy sessions both online and in-person. She provides therapy for clients dealing with depression and anxiety disorders, with particular experiences in supporting clients with bipolar disorder, survivors of abusive relationships, and those navigating grief and loss. Her practice also focuses on adolescent mental health, providing therapeutic and mentorship support to teenagers from international schools across China and overseas. Deeply engaged with both Beijing's international and local communities, Ms. Qin has developed CandleX's programs to fill critical gaps in mental health support. Over the past decade, she has delivered specialized trainings, seminars, and presentations for international schools, corporate clients, embassy partners, and UN organizations, contributing to national-level mental health campaigns. Beyond her therapy practice, she is well recognized for her innovative nonprofit mental health initiatives, reflecting her profound commitment to community wellbeing. A Sichuan native fluent in Chinese and English, Ms. Qin bridges western therapeutic frameworks with culturally attuned care for both Chinese locals and expats in China. Her professional insights on mental health in China have been sought by CGTN, ABC News, Reuters, The Guardian, and other major international media outlets. Visit  www.candlex.cn  for more information; for  therapy  inquires: xiaojie.qin@candlex.cn 秦小杰 2025年8月 "我在咨询室里聆听人性的低语，再将它们回响于天地之间。" 我是一位既做心理咨询又做大众科普的"两栖"心理健康工作者。每天在咨询室里听到的一个个真实故事，让我深深理解人性的脆弱与坚韧，每一个来访都让我为之感动和震撼；这份感受，推着我走向公众，在这个容易让人感到孤独的时代，我希望把咨询室里看到的人性微光，用专业科普见解和最人性的故事，转化成温暖和激励更多人的力量。 秦小杰女士 是资深心理咨询师与心理治疗师，持有国家三级心理咨询师资格证书及国家级心理治疗师认证。她拥有澳大利亚莫纳什大学心理咨询硕士学位及比利时安特卫普大学发展评估硕士学位。职业生涯初期，她曾担任国际非政府组织项目协调与评估专家，在全球发展领域深耕十余年。2015年，她融合跨文化经验创立心理健康机构CandleX并担任总监，开创性地将国际视野与心理健康实践相结合。 凭借丰富的专业经验，秦小杰女士提供线上线下的个体咨询、伴侣咨询及团体心理咨询服务。除接待常见的有抑郁与焦虑症状的来访外，她特别擅长给予双相情感障碍干预、亲密关系暴力创伤康复以及哀伤丧失心理辅导。秦小杰女士同时服务于青少年心理健康，为在京以及海外青少年留学生提供心理咨询，并通过CandleX青少年项目提供更全面的心理健康支持。 作为北京国际社区与本土社会的积极建设者，她开启以及不断调整的CandleX项目有效填补了心理健康服务缺口。过去十年间，她为国际学校、跨国企业、驻华使馆及联合国机构开展专业培训，并参与国家级心理健康倡议项目。秦小杰女士深耕于在华国际社区，心系社区心理健康，机构十年如一日的提供了优质的心理健康服务，其中包括大量的非盈利服务。 秦小杰女士出生成长于四川，作为精通中英双语的心理健康行业专业人士，她巧妙融合西方治疗体系与文化适配性关怀，服务本土与国际来访者。因关于中国心理健康议题的专业见解，她受邀接受包括中国国际电视台（CGTN）、澳大利亚广播公司（ABC）、路透社（Reuters）及《卫报》（The Guardian）等国际权威媒体的采访。 更多详情请访问： www.candlex.cn ;  秦小杰女士小红书：小杰Psych咨询;  心理咨询预约邮箱：xiaojie.qin@candlex.cn

Editor: Xiaojie Qin Time: Aug 2025 As Cecilia’s therapist, I witnessed the tremendous challenges she faced in rebuilding her life after leaving an abusive marriage. Leaving abuse takes extraordinary strength (see  Chapter 1: Cecilia's Escape - From Broken Vows to Independence ), and healing requires immense patience. For survivors like Cecilia, hypervigilance is a common response to the trauma of intimate partner violence. While I’ve created video content (scan the QR code below) on “The Aftermath of Leaving an Abusive Relationship,” nothing captures this journey more powerfully than a survivor’s own story. Thank you, Cecilia, for bravely sharing your experiences to raise awareness in our Beijing and greater China community. Your voice lights the way for others. Author: Cecilia (Pseudonym) Date: Aug 2025 After settling into my apartment in China, I dived into a routinary, domestic life.  I had a group of male and female colleagues who I would hang out with, and my outings consisted mostly of lunch dates and city walks. Several of them lived in my compound, as is customary if you are an expat. On a particular morning, as I left my apartment, I stumbled upon something unexpected: a package placed outside my door. I froze and took a look inside, puzzled.  There, near my feet, was a medium-sized brown bag containing a box of big, juicy strawberries and a handwritten note that said, “Happy Women’s Day”. One of my colleagues, who lived in the same compound as me, signed the note. Most women would have smiled at the content of the note and would have made sure to thank him, but I did not take it well. I stood in fear in the door frame, with the note still in my hand. The thought of someone standing outside my door the night before, while I was cooking my next day’s meal, listening to a podcast and oblivious to what was going on outside, brought shivers of fear down my back. I could picture him quietly standing outside my door and depositing the bag, maybe even listening to what was going on inside. Fear turned into anger- “how dare he?” I was so upset at the thought of someone trespassing my personal space that I slashed out on him when I saw him outside getting a bike, as I walked to the entrance of the compound. I can’t remember very well what words I used but I do remember my outrage, disproportional and overpowering. Was it really about a bag of strawberries outside my door? No. Something deeper and more sinister was coming up and it had very little to do with this morning’s incident.  This innocuous gift opened a wound that I thought I had buried inside, triggering feelings of fear and breaching my sense of safety. When I finally composed myself that morning, I connected to the scary, crippling memory that was the real cause of my fear and outrage. It had taken place many years before, when I was dating the controlling and manipulative man that would become my husband. We were in an on-and-off relationship, and every time I broke it off because of his emotional outbursts, he would look for ways to win me back. On one occasion, I had left my therapist’s office and had walked back to my car, parked in a deserted parking lot that was concealed from the street by a high fence. It was after 8pm and the only establishment nearby had closed for the day. As I approached my dim lit car, I saw a note on the windshield. When I reached out to read its content, I recognized with horror my ex’s handwriting. “How could he know I was here? Had he followed me here? And worst… was he still here?” I looked around in panic, as the silence and darkness of the place crept in on me. From then on, I did not feel safe anywhere I went and dreaded getting home at night. I realized that the fear of what I had been exposed to in the past was controlling my life and interfering with my present relationships. I knew that I urgently needed help to overcome the trauma of what I had experienced. After a friend shared with me  CandleX’s  official account, I signed up for the upcoming small group therapy sessions. (Editors’ Note: Cecilia attended  Project A’s Group Therapy for Recovering from Abusive Relationship .) One more time, I was being challenged to expand, to become more conscious, to be resourceful. Therapy made the calling, and I accepted it. Disclaimer: The editor’s note was proofread and improved by Deepseek, while the Author’s writing was not assisted by any AI in any way.

I originally written this article in English. After obtaining the preliminary Chinese translation from Deepseek, I personally refined the content with localized adaptations to bridge cultural differences between Eastern and Western perspectives, and to accommodate varying levels of psychological knowledge among readers. 本文原文我用英文撰写，中文翻译经由Deepseek完成初译后，我基于中西方文化差异和读者心理学知识背景的不同，对译文进行了细致的本地化调整和内容优化。 Author: Xiaojie Qin 2025 作者：秦小杰2025 I first learned about black-and-white thinking in the early 2010s while studying psychology—and to my surprise, I realized it was how I’d been operating for years. That was just the beginning of discovering how many cognitive distortions I’d been blind to. If I admired a supervisor, I’d feel quite uncomfortable about any criticism of them, even when it made sense. In my 20s, my self-judgment swung between extremes: one day I was ‘brilliant,’ the next a ‘total loser.’ Life felt like sailing a shaky boat on an unpredictable ocean. I was at the mercy of the weather, never knowing when the next wave might wipe me out on bad days. I wish I’d known about this earlier; it could have spared me years of disorientation and fear. 2010年代初接触心理学时，我第一次认识到'非黑即白'的思维模式——震惊地发现这竟是我多年的心理惯性。而这只是觉察众多认知扭曲的开始。当我敬重某位前辈时，听到对他们的批评就像眼里进了沙子，明明知道该审视却总自然的抛之脑后；二十多岁时，我的自我评价总在沾沾自喜的'做得不错'和自惭形秽的'彻底搞砸了'之间剧烈摇摆。那时的生活就像乘着小舟漂在海上，晴雨无常。我对风浪毫无把握，每次天气带强风就害怕自己会被打翻，因为根本不知道该如何应对。要是能早点接触心理学或者是心理咨询，或许就不会在迷惘不安中度过最青春的那十年。 Discovering cognitive distortions introduced me to Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and gave me something revolutionary: a framework to analyze how my mind operates. That space let me observe, question my assumptions, and slowly change. When applying for my master's degree, I naturally favored programs that taught CBT as a core modality - which led me to choose Monash University's Master of Counselling. By the time I became a therapist, CBT felt like second nature. It was the cornerstone of my graduate training in counseling, and I’d also lived its transformative potential. 认知扭曲的发现，为我打开了认知行为疗法（CBT）的大门，更带来我成长的革命性的改变：一个解析自己思维运作的框架。这个视角让我能够观察自己的思维，质疑那些根深蒂固的思维模式，并逐步实现改变。申请硕士项目时，我本能地倾向以CBT为核心课程的院校——这最终指引我选择了蒙纳士大学的心理咨询硕士项目。当我开始作为心理咨询师接待来访时，CBT已如同我的第二本能。它不仅是我专业训练的根基，我亲身经历过它的蜕变力量。 CBT’s signature strength lies in its framework for understanding cognition. With therapy newcomers, I’d watch their faces light up when recognizing distortions like ‘mind-reading’ or ‘emotional reasoning’ for the first time—that moment of ‘Wait, just because I feel like a failure doesn’t mean I am one.’ Some of my clients have shared struggles, commonly with overwhelm, constant distraction, and deep frustration with their rumination. In our sessions, we worked on distinguishing between what feels urgent versus what’s truly important—a breakthrough realization. Our brains often confuse intensity with importance. CBT helps us understand thinking in two ways: sideways and depth-wise. The "Cognitive Triad" looks at thoughts sideways across three gears—how we see Self ("I’m in danger"), World ("They want to hurt me"), and the Future ("I might not survive"). In real sessions, these aren’t dry concepts but vivid stories clients share through tears or fear, sometimes filling an entire session. Then there’s the depth view: thoughts stack like a staircase. At the top are automatic reactions ("They’ll reject me"), deeper down are life rules that drive actions ("Why try when I might fail?" pushing us to overwork or avoid), and at the bottom lie core beliefs ("I’m unworthy") that color everything. As I’ve grown as a therapist, I now recognize recurring patterns much faster—when clients return with a same same but different story, I can pinpoint the roots of their struggle with increasing precision. It’s like the difference between a novice and expert physiotherapist: Where a junior might focus on the aching knee (the presenting symptom), an advanced practitioner traces the pain to an old foot injury (the core issue)—the real culprit behind the misaligned knee and strained pelvis (and yes—as a long-term yoga practitioner and teacher , I am fascinated by the human skeletal and muscular structure.). Treatment begins at the source. This sharpened vision lets me formulate cases and craft treatment plans not just increasingly more accurately, but efficiently. 认知行为疗法（CBT）最打动我的地方，是它总能带来那些"啊哈时刻"，这都基于疗法提供了认知理解的框架。——当来访者第一次意识到"原来我一直在读心术（揣测别人的想法）"，或者发现"我把情绪当事实"时，他们眼睛突然亮起来的那个瞬间，就像有人突然对你说："等等，觉得失败不代表真的失败啊！"很多来找我咨询的人都描述过类似的困扰：脑子里像有十个频道在同时播放，明明没做什么却累得像被掏空，总是控制不住反复想同一件事，越想越烦躁。在咨询室里，当我们一起练习分辨"看似紧急"和"真正重要"的区别时，总会有这样的神奇时刻——来访者突然意识到："原来我一直自动把情绪强烈的事情当作最重要的事"。我能清晰地看到，对面那个原本紧绷的身体渐渐舒展开来，眉头不再紧锁，呼吸也慢慢沉到了腹部。 认知行为疗法（CBT）从两个维度帮助我们理解思维：横向和纵向。"认知三角"横向审视我们对自我（"我很危险"）、世界（"他们想伤害我"）和未来（"我可能活不下去"）的看法。在实际咨询中，这些并非枯燥的理论，而是来访者含着眼泪或带着恐惧讲述的真实故事，有时候故事讲述会占据整个咨询时段。而纵向来看，思维就像层层堆叠的阶梯：最表层是自动反应（"他们会拒绝我"），更深层是驱动行为的生活准则及中间信念（"既然可能会失败，何必尝试？"这种念头让人过度工作或逃避），最底层则是影响一切的核心理念（"我不配"）。 随着咨询经验的积累，我现在能更快识别那些反复出现的模式——当来访者带着"相同却又不同"的故事回来时，像一个外科手术大夫一样，我能更精准定位问题的根源。这就像新手与资深理疗师的区别：新手可能只盯着疼痛的膝盖（表症），而行家却能追溯到陈年的足部旧伤（核心问题）——这才是导致膝关节错位和骨盆紧张的真正元凶（没错，我也是一个 瑜伽习练者 ， 每周都会教一节瑜伽课，我对人体骨骼肌肉结构有着执着的痴迷）。心理咨询必须从源头着手。这种日益敏锐的洞察力，让我制定的个案概念化和治疗方案不仅越来越精准，而且高效。 To me, this mirrors the psychoanalytic concept of consciousness and unconsciousness—just framed in CBT terms. The more I explore different therapy modalities, the more I notice their profound interconnections. What fascinates me most are these points of convergence, which vividly reaffirm the Daoist wisdom I've always embraced. But that’s a story for another chapter, on my increasingly integrated approach in my therapy practice. 对我而言，这恰似精神分析中"意识与潜意识"的概念——只是用CBT的术语重新诠释。当我越深入探索不同疗法流派，就越能发现它们之间深刻的共通之处。而最吸引我的正是这些交融点，它们再次印证了我一直认同的道家智慧。在之后的章节中，我会讲到，在我的咨询方式和技术上，我是如何逐渐向整合方式上转变的。 Zooming out from cognition, CBT’s full framework has a playful nickname: the ‘hot cross bun’ model. It maps the interplay between thoughts, behaviors, physical sensations, and emotions—often analyzed within a specific life situation or those seemingly inescapable, debilitating patterns we all know too well. Looking back, I now see CBT’s distinctly analytical flavor—something I couldn’t articulate when I barely knew other modalities as a newbie therapist. No wonder it resonated with me. My mind has always operated analytically: from excelling in math and science during my school years, to earning my first master's in Development Evaluation and Management at the University of Antwerp, to applying those skills as a monitoring and evaluation specialist in an international NGO. These experiences systematically sharpened my analytical abilities and problem-solving frameworks—both professionally and in life. When I became a therapist, I defaulted to what I knew best: giving people concrete elements to examine, reflect on, and change. There’s comfort in that tangibility—in a framework that makes the abstract feel ‘usable.’ 认知在CBT的框架中，只是其中的一个模块。当我们用无人机般的全景视角来观察CBT时，会发现其完整框架包含四个基本模块：思想、行为、躯体感受和情绪——这个组合有个可爱的昵称，叫"热十字面包"模型（在西方文化中，"热十字面包"（hot cross bun）是复活节传统食品，面包表面的十字象征基督教信仰；而在CBT中，这个十字形象地分割出四个相互作用的心理模块。）更重要的是，我们要关注这些模块之间动态的相互作用关系。常常会发现，当我们"头脑发热"时，其实是特定生活情境激活了我们早已形成、却未被觉察的那些令人疲惫的顽固模式。回望过去，如今我能清晰辨识CBT鲜明的分析特质——而当年作为一个新手咨询师，对别的流派了解很少的我是审视不到的。难怪它如此契合我的思维模式：学生时代数理成绩名列前茅，第一个硕士在安特卫普大学攻读发展与评估。随后，归国后多年在国际发展组织从事项目监测和评估的工作，大量参与系统构建分析与数据剖析的工作，这些精力又进一步加强了我这样的认知偏好和能力。 因此当我成为心理咨询师时，很自然地选择了自己最熟悉的工作方式：为来访者提供具体的认知要素供他们检验、反思和改变。当抽象的心理活动信息被装进清晰的框架里，改变就变得触手可及，至少在理论层面。 (I look at this with pride indeed. full score on ‘working with data’. I was nerdy, and still I am. 我第一个硕士学位的成绩单，只要跟数据相关的成绩，都拿了高分，包括‘和数据工作’的这个单元拿了💯，骄傲不骄傲) CBT comes with ‘homework’. Unless there’s a good reason not to, I almost always assign it. Some homework is experimental—like gathering data for our next session. Others focus on practicing new skills, or working toward concrete goals (e.g., ‘stop working after 8pm’ for a recovering ‘workaholic’). It could be journaling, organizing therapy notes into a resource list, watching a documentary that I recommend to them, or even taking a walk in the evening 3 times a week without the phone. Of course, assigning homework isn't as straightforward as it seems. There's real art to it - how specific should the task be? What type actually fits this particular client? How do we frame the discussion around it? What happens when a client wants to focus on one thing, but I believe something else would serve them better? And how do we handle it when homework doesn't get done? Even what we call it matters - 'homework' might work for some clients, while others respond better to 'between-session exercises'. At its core though, when done right, these between-session tasks become the engine that moves therapy forward - even though our relationship exists almost entirely within those four walls of the therapy room, well, or on the four corners of our computer screen. One brilliant teen client adored their journaling homework that unpacks triggering moments. She’d return with detailed ‘hot-cross-bun’ style entries, eager to read them aloud before I could even ask. I’d probe for missing details, highlight patterns, and eventually we named her ‘protective parts’ (this is not a CBT term, but commonly used in Internal Family System, which I’ll explain in my other chapters)—like Iron Curtain and White Tiger, each with their own strengths and purposes. Through these discoveries, we could work directly with The Iron Curtain, that descends like a mute barrier, and the White Tiger, all claws and no softness. CBT会布置"作业"。除非特殊情况，我基本都会安排。这些作业可能是：记录情绪为下次咨询准备素材，练习新学的技巧，或是完成具体目标（比如让工作狂"晚上8点后不工作"）。也可能是写日记、整理咨询笔记、看我推荐的纪录片，或者每周三次不带手机散步。 当然，布置作业可没那么简单。这里头很有讲究：任务要具体到什么程度？哪种类型最适合这位来访？怎么讨论作业内容？当来访想练A，我却觉得B更有效时怎么办？作业没完成又该如何处理？就连称呼也有门道——有人适合叫"作业"，有人更喜欢"心理练习"。 说到底，只要安排得当，这些课后任务就能成为推动咨询进展的"发动机"——尽管我们的咨访关系基本只存在于咨询室的四壁之间，或是2020年代的电脑屏幕的方寸之地。 总有那么几个来访特别喜欢作业，我有一个就读北京某国际学校的青少年来访者，格外钟情于日记作业，记录下自己心情点被触发时的事情和心里活动过。她总会带着详实的「热十字面包」式的记录来到咨询室，还没等我开口就迫不及待地朗读。我会引导她补充遗漏的细节，梳理其中的模式，后来我们甚至为她的「防御部分」命名(此处使用的"部分(parts)"概念虽非CBT术语，而是内在家庭系统疗法(IFS)的核心理念，关于这套体系我将在后续章节详细展开)——比如「铁幕」象征突然的沉默屏障，「白虎」代表只有锋芒没有柔情的状态。 Beyond its proven effectiveness, CBT’s popularity stems from its short-term, cost-efficient structure—making it a preferred choice for governments and healthcare systems worldwide. National programs like the UK’s NHS Talking Therapies and Canada’s Ontario Structured Psychotherapy Program actively promote CBT for mild-to-moderate conditions, citing its rapid symptom relief and high return on investment. Employers and insurers also favor it: Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) typically cover only 3–18 sessions per year, and hospitals under national health plans or premium insurance often reimburse just brief therapy. (reviewed and heavily edited with evidence by DeepSeek) Over coffee in Beijing, a friend who runs a counseling company for Chinese students abroad mentioned she strongly prefers working with CBT-trained therapists over psychoanalytic practitioners—primarily because of CBT’s short-term effectiveness. 认知行为治疗在国际上的通用程度很高，在国内的应用程度也越来越广。除实证疗效外，CBT的流行还得益于其短程、经济的特点——这使其成为全球医疗体系的首选方案。英国"NHS谈话疗法"、加拿大"安大略结构化心理治疗项目"等国家级计划都积极推广CBT用于轻中度症状，正是看中其见效快、投入产出比高的优势。雇主与保险公司也青睐这种模式：员工援助计划（EAP）通常每年只覆盖3-18次咨询，而医保体系下的医院或高端保险也倾向报销短程治疗。（这个部分我的原文经DeepSeek核查证据并深度编辑）在北京，有次我和一位朋友喝咖啡时聊到——她经营着一家为海外中国留学生提供心理咨询服务的公司——她说自己更倾向与接受过CBT培训的咨询师合作，而非精神分析流派的治疗师，正是因为CBT短期就能见效的特点。 While CBT has helped many clients, I quickly discovered its limitations - and my own growing edges as a therapist. That's the beautiful challenge of our work: you never know which approach will resonate with each unique person who walks through your door. I first became aware of CBT’s distinctive style when several clients—particularly Chinese clients—commented on how much more structured my sessions felt compared to their previous therapy experiences, which seem to be primarily psychoanalytic or person-centered. The responses to my CBT-oriented approach varied dramatically. Some clients flourished with the clear framework, experiencing breakthroughs in self-awareness and meaningful change. Others found it constricting - I remember sessions where the tension was palpable as we struggled between my instinct to be guided by the structure and their need for open exploration. CBT确实帮到了不少来访者，但我也很快发现了它的局限——以及我自己作为心理咨询师需要成长空间。这份工作的美妙之处就在于此：你永远不知道下一个推门进来的独特个体，会更适合哪种咨询手法。 最早让我意识到CBT特质的，是来访者的反馈。我会不定期的跟来访探讨我们咨询的方向、节奏和方式，这能让我更好的及时调整咨询方案、达到最佳效果。在我咨询的初期，好些来访，特别是部分中国来访，不约而同提到，我的咨询比起他们之前的咨询体验"框架感强得多"，经过一些简单的了解，我大致的推论是之前的咨询师多为精神分析或者是人本主义疗法方向的。 对这种结构化的工作方式，来访者的反应天差地别：有人在这种清晰的框架下如鱼得水，获得了觉察和改变；也有些来访者会感到被束缚——我清楚地记得那些充满张力的时刻：当来访者沉浸在漫无目的的叙述中，而我的结构化咨询框架要求我温和地引导他们聚焦或转换话题时，有些人的挫败感会瞬间爆发。这种干预有时会引发强烈的情绪反应，甚至暂时动摇我们的治疗联盟，曾经也有人再也没有回来咨询。 Those moments forced me to reflect: Was this CBT’s limitation, or mine? The truth is, while CBT provides invaluable structure, rigidly adhering to it (or any modality) risks missing the person in front of you. It’s a therapist’s trap—one I am learning to navigate by balancing frameworks with attunement, and it’s a long life process. A more profound limitation emerged: cognitive insight alone doesn’t guarantee behavior change. Like a surgeon, I learned that even the sharpest tools have their limits. Early in my career, I’d watch clients master CBT’s ‘mental anatomy’—mapping thoughts, emotions, and behaviors with precision—yet still struggle to act differently. Therapy, like surgery, demands the right tool for each layer of the work. A scalpel (CBT) might expose the problem, but sometimes you need forceps (EMDR) to lift emotional blockages, or sutures (IFS) to mend deeper patterns. No single instrument does it all. Those plateaus push me to learn other modalities, and taught me to adapt—switching tools even mid-session when the mind’s ‘tissue’ required a different approach. 这些咨询实战的困难让我不断思考：问题到底出在CBT本身，还是我的使用方式？虽然CBT的结构化框架很有价值，但如果死板地套用（不管什么疗法），反而会让咨询师和来访者之间失去联结感——就像两个人明明面对面坐着，却像隔着一堵玻璃墙在交流。这是很多咨询师都会遇到的职业挑战，而我的日积月累的咨询经验，让我平衡好两个相互牵拉的力量：既要保持专业框架，又要保持对来访当下状态和需求的敏感，这需要终身的修炼。 随着咨询经验增加，我逐渐认识到CBT更深层的局限：认知上的领悟并不必然带来行为改变。就像外科医生最锋利的手术刀也有力所不及之时，我目睹过太多来访者进阶到可以精准分析自己的"心理构造"——理清想法、情绪和行为之间的关联，却依然难以真正改变行动模式。 心理咨询和外科手术有些雷同，需要针对不同"心理层面"选择合适的工具。认知行为疗法（CBT）如同手术刀，能精准剖析问题；但有时需要眼动治疗（EMDR）这样的镊子，才能移除情绪淤堵；或者需要内在家庭系统疗法（IFS）这样的缝合线，来修复深层的行为模式。没有任何一种工具能解决所有问题——正是这些咨询瓶颈促使我学习其他咨询流派，教会我灵活转换疗法，当来访者的"心理组织"需要不同干预方式时，及时调整心理咨询方案和策略。 What might be the hardest challenge for any therapist: defining a therapy modality simply yet accurately. I turned to Deepseek for help distilling CBT’s essence— 对任何咨询师来说，最棘手的挑战莫过于：如何既简洁又准确地定义一种疗法。于是我向Deepseek求助，希望它能帮我提炼CBT的精髓—— Disclaimer:   I worked with Deepseek for three purposes: 1) editorial role: to refine this article - improving grammar, clarifying ideas, and smoothing the flow - while carefully preserving my personal voice, therapeutic perspective, and original intent. All therapeutic insights and opinions remain my own. 2). to double check facts regarding CBT’s application in the world 3) translate my writing from English to Chinese. Case examples in this work are either generically described scenarios without representing any single client, or real client case shared with their consent. These reflections represent generalized therapeutic observations. 特别声明： 1. 这篇文章在撰写过程中，使用了Deepseek，仅限于三个层面：1）编辑润色：对文章进行语法优化、观点澄清及行文流畅性调整，但严格保留我的个人风格、专业理念与核心观点。所有心理咨询见解与立场均出自本人；2）核实CBT在全球应用情况的相关事实；3）完成英文至中文的文本初步翻译。 2. 文中案例均为去标识化处理后的通用共性描述，内容仅代表普遍性心理咨询实操反思，或来访以授权于我的真实案例分享。

In 2024, I launched a six-month partial pro-bono bereavement counseling project dedicated to supporting those deeply grieving the loss of a loved one. Among the first round of clients were family members bereaved by suicide, young adults mourning the passing of grandparents, and young people coping with the death of parents.   Grief counseling is never easy—especially when confronting the complex sorrow brought by suicide. The unspoken guilt and the pain stigmatized by society often require a more professional space to be held. Just as I was hesitating whether to continue, a compassionate individual who also focuses on suicide prevention and postvention support offered partial funding. This allyship gave me the strength to decide:  from June 1 to December 31, 2025, I will open a second round of one-on-one grief counseling  for those experiencing loss (including suicide bereavement).  If you or someone you know is struggling with such a loss, please remember: Here, no topic is taboo—only understanding exists. Xiaojie Qin 2024年，我启动了一项为期半年的半公益哀伤辅导项目，专门支持那些因丧挚爱而深陷痛苦的群体。在第一轮的来访者中，有经历家人自杀离世的遗属，有失去祖辈的年轻人，也有失去父母的青年人。   哀悼咨询从来不是轻松的工作——尤其是当面对自杀带来的复杂性哀伤时，那些未说出口的愧疚、被社会污名化的痛苦，往往需要更专业的容器来承载。当我犹豫是否要继续时，一位同样关注自杀预防与后事支持的热心人士提供了部分资助。这份来自同盟者的力量，促使我决定：2025年6月1日至12月31日，将开启第二轮针对丧失（含自杀离世）的个体哀伤咨询。   如果您或您认识的人正因此类丧失而挣扎，请记住：这里的谈话没有禁忌，只有理解。  秦小杰 Details: The round of psychotherapy is partly finaced by a warmed-hearted contributer, and partly by therapist’s reduction of the therapy fee. Number: 2 spots / every three months for half a year Rate: 400rmb/session for 8 sessions in total. Any further continuation will be full price Eligibility: For those who have lost someone, including pets, in the past 6 months. Loss could be natural death, death of accidents, death by suicide and etc. For those who (may) experience prolonged grief disorder. (see below) 1 spot is reserved for Chinese national only Language: English or Chinese, or a mixture of both Income: priorities given to those with monthly income less than 15000rmb. if you have employment benefits includes therapy services, you are encouraged to use those services first. Therapist profile: click on  Xiaojie Qin , Psychotherapist, and Director of CandleX Inquiries or booking: xiaojieqin2020@163.com 详情： 此心理咨询为低价公益心理咨询，由匿名资助者以及咨询师减免部分咨询费得意启动。有效期：自2025年6月1日至2025年12月31日。 名额：每三个月放出2个名额，为期半年，共4个名额（其中一个指定预留给中国人） 费用：总共8次，每次咨询400元人民币（50分钟） 适用人群： 过去6个月内失去亲人（包括宠物）的人士，无论是自然死亡、意外死亡等。 （可能）经历延长哀伤障碍的人士（ 延长哀伤障碍科普 ，请见此文）。   优先考虑月收入低于15000元人民币的人士。如果您的就业福利包括心理咨询服务，建议您首先使用这些服务。 语言：英语或中文，或两者混合使用。 咨询师简介：秦小杰，心理咨询师，CandleX创始人及总监。详情请点击名字查看 咨询或预约：xiaojieqin2020@163.com

作者Author：秦小杰 Xiaojie Qin 编辑/翻译Editor and Translator：Deepseek 中翻英Chinese to English 时间Date： 2025年6月15日 持之以恒的童心未眠 他很喜欢玩具。有一年春节，我回到家，爸妈神秘兮兮地让我进房间，说有惊喜。我按他们的指令数"一二三"走出客厅，只见一排玩具正在欢迎我回家——有的咚咚打鼓，有的欢快跳舞，还有小汽车嗖嗖地往前跑，热闹极了。老爸站在旁边，脸上挂着得意的笑容。 还有一次回老家，我已经睡下了，屋里黑漆漆的。他突然推门进来，手里举着会发光的电子棒，还递给我一根。我们就在黑暗中比划起来，虽然没看过《星球大战》，但那种你来我往的感觉，倒像是场君子之间的较量。 平时和妈妈视频时，他总爱凑到镜头前炫耀新玩具。记得有次是把手枪玩具，一按就会闪光发声，如果是在80年代，绝对是高级货！直到现在，他还是会被路边的小玩具吸引。 他的这份忠于快乐的心，被我继承了，在探索这个世界和人生的过程中，我也发现了自己的‘小玩具’，无论是瑜伽冥想、还是柔术、舞蹈、潜水或是唱歌，还有因为时间不够不得不放弃的即兴话剧。 我老汉儿还有一个习惯，饭后百步。每天他晚饭后都要出去走一圈，我就记得，我老爸总是嫌我妈出门慢，经常催她，有时候等的烦了，他就自己先走了，我妈再赶紧跟上。几十年如一日。 直到此刻，我才惊奇的发现，我在很多爱好上的不费意志的持之以恒，跟老汉儿饭后转路习惯一样，都很好的融入在我日常中，我知道对一些人来讲，这个特别难，每当被人问道我是怎么做到的，我其实没发回答，因为非常顺其自然的，难道有持之以恒的这么一个基因？！ The term 'laohan'er' (老汉儿) means 'father' in Sichuan dialect. Like 'old man' but endearing, it reflects Sichuan's blunt yet warm familial humor. An Everlasting Childlike Heart He’s always loved toys. One Lunar New Year, I came home, and my parents mysteriously ushered me into my room, saying they had a surprise. Counting to three as instructed, I stepped into the living room to find a row of toys welcoming me home—some drumming away, others dancing cheerfully, and little cars zooming forward. The scene was lively, and Dad stood by the side, wearing a triumphant grin. Another time back in my hometown, I had already gone to bed, and the room was pitch black. Suddenly, he pushed the door open, holding a glowing lightsaber—and handed me one too. We dueled in the dark, and though I’d never seen Star Wars, the back-and-forth felt like a gentleman’s duel. Even during video calls with Mom, he’d always squeeze into the frame to show off his newest toy. I remember one time it was a toy gun that lit up and made noise with every press—in the '80s, that would’ve been top-tier! To this day, he still gets drawn in by little trinkets on the street. That same devotion to joy lives on in me. Along my journey of exploring the world and life, I’ve found my own "toys"—whether it’s yoga, meditation, jiu-jitsu, dancing, diving, singing, or even improv theater (which I had to drop for lack of time). My laohan’er also has this habit: a hundred steps after meals. Every evening, without fail, he’d take a walk after dinner. I remember how he’d always complain about Mom being too slow to get ready, sometimes growing impatient and setting off alone, leaving her to hurry after him. Decades passed like this. Only now do I realize with surprise that my effortless persistence in so many hobbies mirrors his daily post-dinner walks—seamlessly woven into my life. I know for some, this kind of discipline is hard. When people ask how I manage it, I never know what to say, because it just comes naturally. Could there really be a "perseverance gene"? 甩手掌柜？不，是全能管家 有一次，老汉儿因为‘投资’失误，好多年被取消了家里的财政管理权。从那以后，他的收入都上交给了以我妈为核心的"中央财政"，连个小金库都没留下。这倒很符合我们四川"老子数到三"的家庭特色。在我们家，确实有点"女权社会"的意思。我妈在管家和教我这两件事上，既有主见又很民主。老汉儿聪明地选择了当甩手掌柜，乐得清闲，每天吃好睡好，还能腾出精力买玩具玩。    不过，这可不代表老汉儿在家没地位。他可是撑起了家里大半边天——饭都是他做的，因为我妈确实不擅长；扫地拖地也是他的活儿，每天雷打不动，这习惯是从我爷爷奶奶那儿传下来的。   说到老汉儿做饭，那可真是门技术活。我们家两个女人——我妈和我，一个比一个挑嘴。我妈一点葱蒜都不沾，要知道这在川菜里可是标配！所以老汉儿经常得做两种版本。而我从小不吃肥肉，小时候他们总是把肥肉咬掉再喂我。记得高中时，我和闺蜜在学校吃包子，我觉得馅太肥，就把馅给她，自己啃皮子。后来长大了，当然不肯吃爸妈咬过的东西，老汉儿就更费心了——切瘦肉、灌香肠，我家的香肠瘦得都不流油，就为让我多吃两口。  不过，"餐厅总监"也有特权，比如他爱的稀饭。以前我以为全国人民晚饭都喝稀饭，离家上学才知道，这是咱老秦家的特色。就靠着老汉儿日复一日的耐心张罗，硬是把挑嘴的我养到了18岁。如今他们老两口的饭还是他做，还经常拍照向我炫耀他的厨艺呢。 感谢老汉儿几十年如一日的细心照料。咱们中国家长不像西方人，把"我爱你"挂在嘴边。每次在机场告别时，我抱抱他，他还会有点不好意思地僵着身子。但老汉儿的爱啊，都藏在行动里——这样的爱，反而更深更实在。 Hands-Off Manager? No, the Ultimate Housekeeper There was that time when Laohan’er lost his household financial privileges for years due to an "investment misstep." From then on, his income went straight to the "Central Treasury" under Mom’s command—no secret stash allowed. Classic Sichuan-style family dynamics, where mom runs the show. Ours was practically a matriarchy: Mom ruled over domestic affairs and parenting with a mix of authority and democracy, while Laohan’er wisely embraced his role as the hands-off manager. Free of decision-making responsibilities, he ate well, slept soundly, and channeled his energy into having a good time. But don’t mistake his laid-back title for irrelevance—he held up half the sky at home. Cooking was his domain (Mom couldn’t boil water properly), and sweeping/mopping were his sacred daily rituals, a tradition passed down from my grandparents. His culinary skills were nothing short of heroic. With two picky women in the house—Mom, who boycotted all garlic and scallions (staples of Sichuan cuisine!), and me, the monstrous fat-hater—he juggled two versions of every dish. As a kid, I’d only eat lean meat, so my parents would bite off the fatty bits before feeding me. In high school, I’d give the fatty baozi fillings to friends while nibbling the skins. Later, refusing "pre-chewed" food, I unwittingly escalated Laohan’er’s mission: custom-cut lean meat, ultra-dry sausages (no oily drips!), all to coax a few extra bites from me. Yet the "Kitchen Director" had perks too—like his beloved congee. I grew up thinking the whole nation ate congee for dinner until college revealed it was a Qin-family quirk. Day after day, his patience turned our finicky tastes into meals, sustaining me until adulthood. Even now, he cooks for their empty nest, proudly texting me food photos. Thank you, Laohan’er, for decades of meticulous care. Chinese parents don’t say "I love you" like Westerners do. At airport goodbyes, he’d stiffen awkwardly when I hugged him. But his love? Woven into every action—deeper and truer than words. 喷嚏就得大声，做自己不如超越自己 老汉儿是个特别懂得自得的人，这种自在是从骨子里透出来的，再加上他天生的表演型人格，整个人都活得很带劲。   就拿打喷嚏这事来说吧，直到现在，我的喷嚏声都远超社交场合的得体范围——算了，不装了，简直就是扰民级别。这都得从老汉儿的神奇育儿经说起。记得他总爱把我拉到阳台上，推开窗户，自己先大吼一声，然后让我跟着吼。要是我的声音不够大，他就会说："要有底气！吼到能听见回音才算数！"我就铆足劲再吼，等到声音撞到对面楼又弹回来，老汉儿就竖起大拇指连声夸："要得要得！"   在家打喷嚏也是这个路数。他打得那叫一个尽兴——胸腔猛地收缩，全身跟着抖，脸皱成个包子，再"阿嚏"一声完全释放，从不憋着。打完还要得意地瞅着我们笑，活像刚打了场胜仗。我从小耳濡目染，把这套学了个十成十。等到长大才反应过来：这么自由的喷嚏，在外头是不是不太合适？可惜为时已晚。现在每次憋喷嚏都难受得要命，顶多能用胳膊肘挡挡，其他啥也改不了——包括那个打完喷嚏后不自觉露出的胜利笑容。 Loud Sneezes & Living Louder: Why Be Yourself When You Can Outdo Yourself? My laohan'er is a man utterly at ease with himself—a trait baked into his bones, amplified by his natural flair for the dramatic. He lives life at full volume. Take sneezing, for instance. To this day, my sneezes violate all social norms of decorum—hell, let's be honest, they're downright seismic. I owe this entirely to laohan'er's unique parenting style. He'd drag me onto the balcony, throw open the windows, and roar at the top of his lungs—modeling the correct way to do it. "Put some soul into it!" he'd bark if I faltered. "I wanna hear that echo!" So I'd summon my mightiest yell, waiting for the sound to bounce off the apartment block across the street. Only then would he flash a thumbs-up: "Now that's how it's done!" His sneezes followed the same philosophy. A full-body production: chest convulsing, frame shuddering, face crumpling like a steamed bun before the grand finale—an unfiltered "ACHOO!" that shook the walls. Post-sneeze, he'd beam at us like a prizefighter who'd just KO'd an opponent. I absorbed this technique wholesale. It wasn't until adulthood that I questioned whether such liberated sneezing belonged in polite society. By then, the damage was done. These days, suppressing a sneeze feels like suffocation; the best I can manage is burying it in my elbow. But one thing remains untamed—that involuntary victory grin after every explosion. 狂野派养育法则 "规矩？养孩子还要规矩？怎么开心怎么来呗！"——这大概就是我爸的育儿哲学。 作为独生女，我在我爸眼里倒不是什么贴心小棉袄，更像是个现成的小玩伴。那时候家里哪有什么育儿手册，也不讲究什么科学养育。现在回想起来，他就是很自然地把我当成个独立的小人儿相处，虽然有些操作搁现在肯定得被教育专家们说成"反面教材"。 比如喝酒这事。爸妈吃饭时偶尔会喝点啤酒白酒，我爸在厨房忙活的时候，常让我帮着摆碗筷、倒酒。记得饭桌上他总逗我："想尝尝不？就抿一小口。"这要放在国外，估计够得上"儿童福利干预"的标准了。我至今记得白酒辣嗓子、啤酒泛苦的滋味，实在想不通大人们为什么爱喝，至今我也不喝白酒、啤酒。 其实人本来就不天生爱酒味，小时候尝过了，反倒没了那种禁忌的诱惑。不光我家这样，我觉得八九十年代很多中国家庭都这样带孩子。至少我上学时，身边从没有同学有酗酒问题。后来做青少年心理咨询时，才发现这和西方青少年酗酒严重的情况形成鲜明对比。 Parenting, Unfiltered: The Wild Rules "Rules? Who needs rules for raising kids? Just have fun with them!" That pretty much sums up my dad's unconventional parenting philosophy. As an only daughter, I was more like a ready-made playmate than daddy's little princess in his eyes. Our household had no manuals—this was long before the days of positive discipline or evidence-based parenting. Looking back, he simply treated me as an autonomous little human, though some of his methods might give modern parenting experts a heart attack. Take alcohol, for instance. My parents would occasionally enjoy beer or baijiu with meals. While busy cooking, Dad would have me set the table or pour drinks. I vividly remember him asking at dinner, "Wanna try a sip? Just a tiny one." In Western countries, this kind of "parenting hack" might land you in hot water. To me, baijiu burned like fire and beer tasted foul—I couldn't fathom why adults enjoyed this stuff. Here's the thing: by taking away the forbidden fruit allure early on, he removed the mystique around alcohol. This wasn't just my family's approach—I'd argue most Chinese parents in the 80s operated similarly. None of my school friends grew up with drinking problems, whereas teenage alcoholism remains a serious issue in the West. The contrast became especially clear during my work with teens from both east and west. 今天是父亲节，我特别庆幸自己有个这么实在、幽默又真性情的老汉儿。他那些朴实的特质，在不知不觉中就成了我生命里最宝贵的财富。感谢老汉儿几十年如一日的付出，祝全世界最巴适的老汉儿节日快乐。 Today on Father's Day, I feel incredibly lucky to have a dad who's so genuine, humorous, and unapologetically real. Those simple yet profound qualities of his have quietly become the most treasured gifts in my life. Thank you, Laohan'er, for your decades of steadfast devotion. To the most  bay shir  (comfortably awesome) dad in the whole world - Happy Father's Day!

Author: Cecilia (Pseudonym) Date: April 2025 From the last nerve-wrecking hours in a New Orleans hotel room with him, the image that has vividly remained with me is that of the young policewoman who was waiting for me downstairs when the old, clanky elevator doors opened. She was on her way to my room, after the guest had heard my cries for help and had called for police enforcement.  “Help, my husband is verbally and physically assaulting me”, I panted as soon as I saw her. “I just need my passport, I just want to go”, I pleaded, short of breath. When I hurriedly left the room, I didn’t take any money or credit cards with me and my phone’s battery was running low. It was not in my plans to end my Christmas vacation in the way I did and I was frantically looking for a way to get to the airport and reunite with my brother, who lived in a different state. She looked at me quietly, making sure I was not hurt. Then she turned around and got on the elevator, ready to fetch the passport that my husband was withholding and that prevented me from leaving him. When the elevator doors opened after what seemed like an eternity and she stretched out her hand to return my passport, she not only handed me an identity card - but she also handed me a release form, setting me free from him and his abusive manners. On that cold January morning, I ended a twelve-year relationship that was marked by love but also by control. It was not the first time I thought about leaving him, as it was not the first time he assaulted me. As I got in a taxi and headed to the airport to reunite with my brother, my long recovery journey from this co-dependent, abusive relationship began. I had hidden from my family the years and years of abuse, certain that I could always fix what was wrong between my husband and me and that sharing with them would only worry them unnecessarily. It was no surprise that my brother and his wife were waiting for me at the airport with a baffled look and many questions. We stopped at a coffee shop on our way to their place, and sitting across from them I finally shared what was a secret to everyone: I was a victim of domestic abuse. It was the first time I said it out loud, but I was hesitant about the validity of that claim. I mean, surely there were women who had it worse, right? Yes, he had slapped me and shoved me, but it wasn’t that bad. I didn’t have bruises or scars. My brother, a paralegal, shook his head firmly and my sister-in-law, a nurse, interrupted me before I could finish my sharing. “It doesn’t matter if he didn’t leave a bruise… he should NEVER hit you.” I lowered my head in shame and fumbled with my hands. I was sure she was right but my coping mechanism of minimizing and justifying the abuse kicked in. That is how I had been able to stay with my husband all this time and endure his abuse. Since I first met who would later become my husband, we engaged in an unhealthy, dysfunctional dynamic. He would criticize my appearance, question my behavior, censor my words, and invalidate my feelings. As a result, I felt very inadequate and anguished when he shamed me so I would apologize for whatever he thought I had done wrong and would try harder to please him. I spent a lot of time in my head, strategizing and figuring out ways to make him happy again, abandoning my own needs and wants. To make things worse, he would have unpredictable mood swings that would leave me shaken. He once dangerously chased me during a road rage episode, after we both left a friend’s wedding. That time, I had to stop at a police station to ask for help. Still, I listened to his accusations the following day and assumed that I had done -again- something wrong to upset him. I forgave him and gave our relationship another chance. My  recovery was slow, sometimes chaotic. After the incident in New Orleans,  I returned to my host country with a small loan that my brother gave me and I was able to rent a small, windowless room from a lady I had never met but that came recommended. Little by little, I found my grounding.  I made friends who shared my interest in meditation and yoga and who have remained loyal: thanks to my job, I gained the economic stability on my own, which was once what I looked for in my marriage. I began to love myself with my lights and shadows and to take control of my life, demanding more respect and setting better boundaries. Several years later I took another plane, this time to a much more promising destination. I was no longer running away from anything or anyone but starting a new job in a country with a millenary culture. I did not end up penniless and living under a bridge like my ex-husband would threaten me with, but in the capital of the biggest economic power in Asia - Beijing. I just had to believe in myself and stop listening to those who were bent on my ruin. Xiaojie Qin Psychotherapist and Director of CandleX I first met Cecilia in 2022 as her therapist in Project A’s group therapy program for women in abusive relationships ( A Snapshot of Project A’s Group Therapy | The Therapist’s View ). Witnessing the participants’ relief and recovery in that space was deeply moving, and I’ve been honored to continue supporting her one-on-one in the years since. Her journey—marked by resilience, self-discovery, and profound growth—has been nothing short of inspiring.  This article is the result of our collaborative work to bring her story forward, both as a healing process for her and as a beacon of hope for others who may feel trapped in similar circumstances. Cecilia’s strength, once hidden even to herself, is a testament to the transformative power of care and therapy. If you’re reading this while navigating the shadows of abuse, know this: the light you doubt today can, with time and support, guide you to a life you’ll cherish.  At CandleX, we believe in the power of storytelling to heal and connect. Through our  community writing  projects, we amplify the voices of Beijing’s expat members—one honest, courageous story at a time. Cecilia’s story, shared with her explicit consent and edited to protect her privacy, aligns with our mission to foster understanding and empowerment.   To every reader: may her words remind you that you are not alone, and your strength, too, is waiting to be claimed.

CandleX专为心理咨询师设计的同辈督导小组，旨在通过结构化讨论，提供安全、专业的案例支持与反思空间。第1轮已圆满结束，成员反馈 “深度受益于多元视角的碰撞” 和 “严谨而温暖的互助氛围”。！   第一轮小组团队成员反馈： “这里的氛围不像传统督导那么严肃，结构性较弱，但反而让人更放松。90分钟的时长既保证了案例讨论的深度，又留有空间延伸行业相关话题。大家既能专业聚焦，又能坦诚分享执业中的挑战时刻（比如针对现在出现的来访会在社交平台上公开咨询细节，一些人冒充咨询师在社交媒体上拼流量等）。这种‘既同行又同伴’的感觉，缓解了独立咨询师普遍的职业孤独感。” “组员来自不同流派（如CBT、人本、精神动力学等），对同一案例的反馈视角差异很大。这种多元性让讨论格外饱满，也让我接触到许多不同的技术思路。而某次关于‘是否要转介来访到医院就医’的讨论中，有组员分享了自己的意见，通过探讨，我们也在反思自己意见背后的思考，让每一次咨询不经意的细节都更加深思熟虑！” “组员背景多样——高校心理咨询师、独立执业者、国际学校/EAP项目从业者……每轮交流都能听到不同领域的现状。比如有人分享高校学生的常见议题，有人分析企业EAP的咨询次数限制以及来访动力差异。这些信息帮我更清晰地定位自己的执业方向，也看到了行业的全貌。” “在为期数周的督导小组中，跨领域、多流派的思维碰撞为我构筑了一幅立体的行业全景图，这种多元碰撞不仅让我在案例督导中突破单一流派局限，更透过不同执业场景的切片，窥见心理咨询在不同生态位中的生命力。而轻松却不失深度的讨论氛围，恰似专业同侪共建的“柔性容器”——90分钟里既有对案例的显微镜式推敲，也能自然延展至AI伦理、行业乱象等宏观议题。这种兼含专业锐度与人性温度的经验流动，既溶解了独立执业的孤独感，也让我带着更清晰的坐标与更开放的视角重返学校咨询室。” 基础设置 频率：2025年滚动招募，每两周1次  时间：周四 19:30-21:00（90分钟） 形式：线上腾讯会议（视频开启）   人数：3-4人/组（小团体保证充分参与）   轮次：每轮持续 6-8次（人数×2，稳定封闭式 费用：平均¥30/次，每轮开始前一次性支付（共¥180-240，用于小组运营开销以及组织者组织时间成本象征性收费，中途不能参加无退费）   附加：每轮结束后AA制聚餐（线下，北京）   报名要求（需满足全部） 1. 专业资质（满足其一即可，需审核）：   心理咨询相关：硕士学位；   国家心理咨询师或心理治疗师资格证书；   其他等效资质。   2. 执业经验： 当前正在接个案；   目前接受付费个体/团体督。   3. 语言能力：能流畅参与全中文讨论。   小组原则  专业专注：案例讨论严格遵循伦理，聚焦咨询技术与过程反思。   互助尊重：不评判、不指导，以好奇与共情态度反馈。   稳定承诺：报名即默认承诺全程参与，费用不退（缺席不影响小组照常进行）。   报名方式 1. 邮件：xiaojie.qin@candlex.cn；   2. 审核通过后支付费用，锁定席位；   3. 截止日期：名额有限，招满即止。   常见问题  Q：为何要求已有付费督导？   A：同辈督导是补充而非替代，确保成员具备基础受督经验，提升小组讨论质量。   Q：能否单次体验？   A：为保证深度联结，仅接受全程报名。   Q：案例如何选择？   A：每期由成员轮流提交，聚焦咨询中的具体挑战。   “独行速，众行远。” 期待与你一起，在专业道路上走得更稳、更远。   主办方：CandleX

On 15th March 2025 , CandleX joined FOEN (Future of Education Now) at West Academy Beijing, to talk about Teens’ Mental Health, specifically sharing program experience on one of CandleX’s signature project,  Teens Empowerment Project . This event was a close circle joined by students traveled all the way from Australia, and teachers from WAB and other schools. This event was a 60 minutes cross-interview between  Xiaojie , psychotherapist and director of CandleX, and Xiaojie’s mentee for 2024,  Katie Lai , a G12 teenager that is based in Hongkong China, and was the most recent participant of Teens Empowerment Project.