此采访为中文采访，中英文参访字幕在文末。 In March 2021, CandleX director Xiaojie interviewed Kelly Yang on her experience with bipolar disorder. A year later, CandleX decided to present this interview in five chapters to commemorate World Bipolar Day. This is Chapter 4 of the interview. Check out Chapter 1, Chapter 2, or Chapter 3 if you haven’t already! In Chapter 4, Kelly uses takeaways from her personal experience to give advice to people like her, the younger generation, and parents. Depression and bipolar disorder are commonly found in perfectionists and high-achievers, which Kelly believes she is. When giving suggestions to these people like her, Kelly emphasizes acceptance – accepting failure, accepting things to not be perfect, and accepting a more ordinary life. When giving advice to teens, Kelly mentions that knowing there are other possibilities in life is a critical aspect to growing a healthy mindset. When addressing parents, Kelly recommends them to not force their kids to complete their own unfulfilled dreams and to learn to see the different methods of child development, which is especially hard with Chinese education. In Chapter 5, Xiaojie and Kelly will talk more about Kelly’s changes after receiving therapy. Interviewer: Xiaojie | Director of CandleX Interviewee: Kelly Time of interview: 2021 TRANSCRIPT Kelly: There are people around me who have similar experiences to mine. They are considered excellent kids who have always been good, with good families and successful careers. These people also experience symptoms of depression or bipolar disorder. I vividly remember my attending doctor telling me kids like us are extra susceptible to bipolar disorder or depression because there are obvious characteristics. One is how we've never experienced any major setbacks in life. Another thing is how we pursue perfection excessively. Xiaojie: Perfectionism? Kelly: Exactly. It's this excessive pursuit of perfection. Actually, the perfectionism you mentioned isn't a derogatory term. Wanting to perfect things is a great quality, but excessively doing it adds a derogative sense to it. It's not like an A+ is good enough; excessive perfectionism means it needs to be an A++ or even more. They are most definitely good enough, but they think they need to be even better. When they're pursuing perfection excessively, they drain themselves and sink into deep emotions more easily. So, instead of giving advice to others, I think it's more appropriate to share what I've been doing myself. I try to reflect on myself more, stop sinking into excessive perfectionism, find my goal and a comfortable state. Then, I look for a goal in a state I feel comfortable in. Striving for wild accomplishments excessively will make you sink into extreme states, which is bad for your mind and body. Xiaojie: Perfectionists or people who are strict on themselves have lots of trouble dealing with their failure or moments of disappointment. For perfectionists struggling with this, what would you say to them? Kelly: To be honest, I can't truly accept my own failure yet either. I think perfectionists and people who have a smooth life may have never experienced failure. They can't accept to fail because they automatically put a "no failure" label on themselves. So, I've been slowly trying a psychological state where I accept being ordinary and being less than others. I accept that I just didn't do well on something. I think acceptance is one thing I've been trying to learn. I need to accept the lesser side of myself. I'm not always going to get an A+, be the best, and be better than others. There are also things I can't do well on. Once I accept that side of myself can I truly accept that life is multidimensional. So are other people and myself. My path also has many directions. This way, I see more possibilities in life. If I work towards one single path until I die, I would only see what's in front of me and miss the better things around me. Xiaojie: There's a good saying that we are our own best friends. When we are our best friend and our best friend fails, how we comfort them is the voice that we should use on ourselves. When we fail, we need to be gentle, accept, and take care of ourselves. This is the meaning behind the saying. Many of our CandleX teens and parents are on this journey; the parents will successfully send their kids to study abroad. What do you want to say to families with kids who haven’t gone abroad and experienced depression or bipolar disorder yet? What would you say to these kids who are still in their teenage years, still in school, and still unexposed to big life setbacks? Kelly: It's actually like what I previously said. I have the same realization now, which is how we suddenly question why things are certain ways at this age. This is because of something that was established during our teenage years. Everyone back then had this innate sense that I need to do the best, be stronger than others, receive an A+, and be the first in my grade. I need to be better than others in this and that. I need to apply to the top 20 colleges. Setting these goals is good because we need goals in our lives, but sometimes we need to allow ourselves to accept that we may not be able to achieve the highest goal. So, let's take a step back. We don't get it done that way, but what about another way? It's not finding an exit for ourselves, but admitting the other possibilities in life. I think if I could relive my teenage years, I want to be able to see other things aside from my grades or the Gaokao. This is genuinely what I would like to say to the younger generation. I want them to choose from more possibilities before experiencing adulthood. Xiaojie: That is great. What about to parents? Because Chinese education is quite special in the way that parents tend to put a lot of effort, energy, and money into their child's growth. Do you have anything you would like to say to these parents? Kelly: Since I don't have kids of my own, it would be a bit farfetched to give any suggestions to parents. Xiaojie: Then let's change the question to: what do you want to say to your parents back then? Kelly: Oh yes, that's better. Like I mentioned before, if I went back to my teenage years, I hope to see more possibilities. But if, back then, my parents could tell me, "It's okay to not score such high marks. There is both success and failure in life because it's not possible for you to always be the best in everything you do." and encouraged me to find my true interest and passion, I might be able to open myself up more and be more broad-minded. Because in my knowledge of Chinese education, everyone puts grades as the most valuable thing. They judge you on your grades and your Gaokao score. Actually, the sense that the Gaokao changes one's life is still an idea that needs to be adjusted. This is why our education is headed towards that one goal. As an observer, a small problem many parents have is how they force their own hopes and dreams onto their children. They like to say, "I couldn't do this and that. I couldn't go to a good university." That's why my child needs to attend a good university. By doing this, parents are giving their kids too much pressure. When they make their child live according to what they want in life, parents are ignoring the possibility of their child growing on their own. When you suddenly let go of a sprout you've been pulling up to help grow, saying the sprout is grown now, the sprout will lose sense of how to take root. Though it's been getting better these years, with everyone becoming more internationalized and open, the root problem still exists in China. So, for parents, they need to accept more possibilities to bring their kids more possibilities. Xiaojie: We also want to remind parents that emotions like being depressed are caused by the lack of nutrition to our internal spirit and a constant search for external things, which are usually things that drain us. For example, I have to study and learn history and math, even though I dislike them. But there are more ways for children to develop. The child may love sports or music. I want them to be able to have more space to do what they love. This way, they stay farther from depression. A great point you mentioned was that we need to not only strive for success and goals, though goals can be helpful, but we also need to accept our chance of failure and see it as an okay part of our lives. 文字稿 诗诗：所谓的就是一路走来就是别人家的孩子，一直都比较优秀，事业包括家庭各方面都还算不错，我身边也有跟我同样差不多经历的朋友，也是经历了抑郁症也好，双相情感障碍也好，其实也有这方面的病例在，我就记得很深，我的主治医生其实有跟我说，像我们这类的孩子其实是双相的，或者是抑郁症一个非常易感人群，因为它可能有几个特征，就是一路走过来都比较顺利，然后没有经历过什么很大的挫折，还有一点非常重要的就是过渡追求完美。 小杰：完美主义？ 诗诗：对，完美主义，就是所谓的过渡追求完美，其实之前所说的完美主义，你追求完美其实不是一个贬义词，你追求完美是非常好的一种品质，但是过渡追求完美就有一点贬义的色彩在了。它不是说你追到100分就可以了，过渡追求完美的人他是要追到150分甚至是更多，你都已经追到这儿完全就已经够了，但是不行我还要更优秀，还要更好，其实在你过渡追求完美的过程中就很容易消耗自己，让自己陷入一种情绪的漩涡当中。所以我与其说是建议别人，不如也说是我最近都有在自省自己，不能要让自己陷入到这种过渡完美的状态下，要认清楚自己真正的目标是什么，自己觉得舒适的状态是什么，然后在这个舒服的状态当中去寻找自己的一个目标，而不是说去过渡的追求一些虚妄的成就，反而会让你陷入到一个很极端的情况当中，这样对自己的身心都不是很好。 小杰：因为完美主义的人包括说对自己要求很严格的人，很难去处理自己的失败以及没有办法达到自己要求的那些时刻，对于这种正在处于这种时刻的完美主义者，你有什么样的想跟他们说的吗？ 诗诗：其实这个问题就是，我自己到目前为止也不是非常能够接受自己失败的，其实我觉得像是完美主义者，包括像这种所谓的一路优秀过来的人，他们其实一路可能没有经历过很多的失败，他们就觉得自己不能接受失败，我不应该失败，其实是有这样的一种固有的思维在的。所以，我自己现在也有在慢慢的尝试一个心理状态，就是说我接受自己的平凡，接受自己的不如人，我接受自己可能在这方面我做的就是不好，我觉得接受这件事情是我自己现在在慢慢学的一件事情，你要去接受自己不好的那一面，我不是说我永远都是100分，永远都是最好的，我永远都是比别人强的，我也有做的不好的地方。当我接受自己背面的时候，我才能够真正的去接受人生是多面的，别人是多面的，我是多面的，我的路是多条的，这个时候人生的可能性会更多一些，而不是说我们只追求这一条路，我就那一条路走到死，其实这个时候反而你就会一直着眼于自己眼前的那些东西，你看不到周围更好的东西。 小杰：有一个很好的比喻，就是说做我们自己最好的朋友，如果说我们是自己最好朋友的时候，当你的好朋友失败的时候，你应该怎么样去安慰他，那个时候其实我们要唤醒这个声音，你在失败的时候其实我们更多的是需要给自己一些温柔以及接纳，以及呵护，就是这样的意思。 小杰：其实我们CandleX很多青少年的听众以及家长也是在这个旅程中，他们还在，自己的孩子可能正要面临出国一切都比较顺利，那对于还没有走，这一批孩子还没有首发抑郁或者双相的这一批孩子们和家长们，你想对他们说些什么，我们先来看看你对这些青少年想要说什么，还是十几岁，还在学校里面很努力的念书，还没有什么挫折的这些孩子？ 诗诗：其实就像我刚才说的，我自己现在的这个感悟一样，就是所谓的可能到我们这个年纪才突然觉得，为什么会是这样的，其实这个根儿都是在我们青少年时期形成的，那个时候大家就是会有那种固有的印象，就是我要做到最好，我要比别人都强，我要考100分，我要拿年级第一，我这个要比别人强，那个要比别人强，我出国要申到最好的大学，就是会给自己其实定下这样的目标是很好的，因为我们人生需要一些目标，但是有的时候我们也需要让自己接受，我们可能没有办法达到最高的那个目标，让我们退一步好不好，我们不做到这样，我们那样做好不好，不是说给自己找一条退路或者是后路，而是让我们去承认人生的更多可能性，我觉得这个其实是我希望如果我再重活一次的话，我的青少年时期能够去看到除了学习之外更多的东西，而不是只看到分，而不是只看到成绩，只看高考，这真的是我发自内心的希望告诉接下来的弟弟妹妹们，他们能够体验更多人生之前，让他们自己去选择更多的可能性。 小杰：很好，对于，家长这一块儿呢，因为咱们中国式的教育，也是比较有特色的，所以就是家长大部分的时候会花很多的心、精力以及钱财在孩子的成长上。对于这一部分的家长你有什么想要说的吗？ 诗诗：因为我自己本身也没有孩子，其实我现在说对家长的一些话，其实也有一点牵强。 小杰：我们换一种方式，你想给当时你的家长说些什么？ 诗诗：我觉得这样比较好。其实就像刚才我说的，如果当时我自己回到原来的青少年的时期，我希望能够看到更多的可能性，但是如果我当时的家长，如果能够告诉我说，你不考那么多分也没有关系，你要接受你的人生就是有成功有失败的，不是说你每次都能够做到最好，你要去找到自己真正的兴趣所在，你要去做自己真正想要做的事情，如果我觉得那个时候我的父母是这样跟我说的，其实我有可能会更加的，把自己的心胸打的更开一些。因为据我所了解到的中国式教育，真的还都是分分学生的命根儿，大家都是唯分论，唯高考论，其实高考改变一个人的命运这件事情在中国一直以来都没有得到一些很好的改善，所以这导致我们的教育其实更多的都是朝着那个目标走的。再加上很多家长其实有的时候，我自己旁观者来看他们有一点点问题所在，就是他把自己曾经的一些愿望，和自己的一些想法施加在孩子的身上，我当时没有怎么样，我当时没有考上一个好大学，我就要让我的孩子考一个好的大学。其实这个时候你反而去给孩子过多的压力，你让他过多的按照你的意思去走的时候，你反而是忽略了他自己成长的一个可能性。当你一直在拔苗助长的时候，你突然这个苗松开手了，你大了自己过去的时候他就不知道该怎么扎根了。所以说我觉得我们中国式的家长，其实近些年有点在慢慢的好转，大家也更加的国际化，更加的Open，但其实还是根儿上没有变。我希望如果是在家长这方面的话，他自己要去接受更多的可能性，才能带给孩子更多的可能性。 小杰：而且我们也其实非常想提示我们的家长，所有的抑郁这一类的情绪，都是因为我们没有办法给我们心灵供给营养，因为我们更多的去追寻外界的东西。所谓的这些外界的东西，是在消耗我们可能是我每天不爱念书，我不爱学历史，我不学数学，但是我必须得学，其实我们有更多的成长方式，他可能是一个特别喜欢去运动的孩子，或者特别喜欢音乐的一些孩子，所以也希望他们如果有更多这样的空间去做自己爱做的事情，那他离抑郁就会更远一些，你刚刚也提到非常好的一点，就是说我们要不仅仅说成功是生活中我们要去追寻的一些东西，有一定的目标还是挺好的，但是我们要认可我们每一个人都有失败的这个可能性，而且这个经历也是可以是被接受，也是我们人生中的一部分。

此采访为中文采访，中英文参访字幕在文末。 In March 2021, CandleX director Xiaojie interviewed Kelly Yang on her experience with bipolar disorder. A year later, CandleX decided to present this interview in five chapters to commemorate World Bipolar Day. This is Chapter 2 of the interview. Check out Chapter 1 if you haven’t already! In Chapter 2, Kelly talks about how her depression turned into bipolar disorder, a common situation for people who have bipolar I disorder. Kelly describes the feelings she encountered during different phases of bipolar disorder – she experienced the highest highs and lowest lows, which is a signature feature of bipolar disorder. Finally, they wrap up the discussion with Xiaojie asking Kelly for advice on how others can help people with bipolar disorder. In Chapter 3, they will cover more on Kelly’s hospitalization experience. Interviewer: Xiaojie | Director of CandleX Interviewee: Kelly Time of interview: 2021 TRANSCRIPT Kelly: It's just this constant draining of energy. I wouldn’t sleep or eat. My father described me as someone with infinite strength. At that time, all I thought about was how much I didn't want to live, and I thought there was nothing to live for. So, I tried to do things like jumping off a building, and during those times I had so much strength that my parents and brother combined couldn't even pull me back. My father said he was stunned at the amount of strength I had to pull free. It was like I wanted to use up all the power in my body. Previously, I mentioned the time when I didn't sleep for five whole days, and that time, I suddenly used up all my energy and fainted. When I woke up a few hours later, I felt like my entire body collapsed. Xiaojie: Like you used up all your battery? Kelly: Yes. I finally felt exhausted, and I didn't know what I was doing before. That was the process for me. Xiaojie: What I find curious is that, for many people, they become more innovative during manic phases. They think they're at life's peak, the world's amazing, and they can do anything (like going five days with no sleep). However, in your case, you have high energy but negative emotions. Is my interpretation correct? Kelly: Actually, before I was hospitalized, my emotions were... How should I put it? They were negative and sort of insane emotions. So I would act a bit mad and look "not normal." But after I was hospitalized, I received treatment and was on medications. That was when I felt the feeling of others during bipolar states. I did some things I would never have tried before, like dying my whole head a vivid shade of pink that really stood out. And when I went shopping, I would buy bags worth 30-40K(RMB). At the time, it was like that and I was so happy. I thought, "I'm completely healed and normal now." However, every time I went back to the hospital with my pink hair and new bags, my doctor would increase my medicine dosage. I couldn't understand the reason for that because I felt so fine and so happy. My father told me later on that, at the time, the doctor told him I was in an abnormal state that was part of the manic episode, and my mood was unusually high it needed to be lowered. It makes sense now because I was insanely happy in that period of time. I had the habit of writing in my diary every day, and before I would write about how much I wished to die. Then, after I was hospitalized, I wrote about where I went every day and how extremely happy I felt using multiple exclamation marks. During the time, I was gleeful every day. Afterwards, I realized that that period was indeed when I felt the upside of bipolar disorder. Xiaojie: Right. At the hospital, were you diagnosed with bipolar I or II disorder? There are actually 4 types of bipolar disorder. Did the doctors tell you? Kelly: I think it was bipolar I. Xiaojie: I thought so, too, because we have mental health support groups at CandleX, and quite a few people with bipolar disorder come in with stories similar to yours. That's how I could tell. OK, let's summarize again. The first episode was in your last year of undergrad? Kelly: Yes. Xiaojie: Throughout the years, I feel like you went from depression to bipolar, since the first two times were depressive episodes, then you slowly turned bipolar. This is quite a common situation, to my knowledge. How long was the entire journey? From the first episode to the bipolar episode, which was also the last episode, right? Kelly: Yes. It was around 4 years, from 2014 to 2018. Xiaojie: Okay, I have a few more questions regarding events we advocate at CandleX. We really want to help the family and friends of those with bipolar disorder to know what they should do to help that person with bipolar disorder. Kelly: When I was depressed or bipolar, what I wished to hear least from others was how I just needed to get over it and stop overthinking because I was fine. They are denying your current state, which makes you feel even more dispirited and feel like your actions are useless and wrong. It will make you sink deeper into negativity. So, I think it's important to not deny their current state. I was really grateful for my boyfriend at the time for staying by my side. Even though he knew he couldn't do anything to really help me, he was there for me. I think approaching people with depression or bipolar disorder as the role of a listener will make them feel more warmth. Xiaojie: I really like the two points you mention. One is that we need to first validate all of their emotions, and then be there for them. If they want to say anything, no matter how embarrassed or guilty they may feel, they can tell you. So, more of the time, they wish for family and friends to act as this supporting body like a boat, instead of helping them to solve any problems. You are there, and they know that they can step aboard if they need it. Kelly: Yes, that's what I mean. 文字稿 诗诗：其实就是一直在消耗你的精力，我不睡觉、不吃饭，当时我父亲描述就是我力大无穷，因为那个时候脑子里全部都是那种我不想活了，我觉得活着没有意思这种想法，所以那个时候有很不正确的尝试，就是去尝试跳楼，那个时候我甚至有的时候，劲儿大的时候冲出去，我父亲、我母亲包括我哥哥拉我都快要拉不住的那种，他们三个人拉我都拉不住的，我父亲描述就是都不知道你哪来的那么大劲儿，就是要往外冲，感觉就是要把我身上所有的劲儿都消耗光，我记得有一次，就是那次五天五夜不睡觉，我好像是突然一下子把劲儿都消耗光了，我就晕过去了，晕过去之后再醒来，几个小时以后再醒来，就觉得全身上下就像散架了一样。 记者：到零了？ 诗诗：那个时候才感觉到是真的累了，会觉得自己之前好像不知道是在干些什么，大概是会有这样的一个过程。 记者：虽然我觉得比较有一丝一点的，是很多人他在躁狂期的时候，他的那个情绪是给他很多创造力，他可能觉得我现在是在世界的颠峰，世界特别的美好，我是什么事情都可以做，五天五夜不睡觉，你的情况虽然你的这种能量是非常高的，但是你整个情绪反而是负面的，是这样的我的理解？ 诗诗：其实是这样的，我在住院之前，我的这个情绪怎么说呢？一是有点负面，二是有点那种疯癫，会导致我的行为有一些疯癫，看起来就是不太正常，但是我住院之后其实是有经过一些治疗，包括有一些用药什么的，那个时候反而我真的有感受到他们说的那种感觉，我那个时候也做了一些，我从来没有想过的尝试，那个时候染了整个一头的粉头发，非常的粉，很出挑的一个颜色，那个时候去购物，就是那种一买买三四万块钱的包，觉得是这样，就会觉得好开心，怎么这么开心，我一点事儿都没有，我现在完全好了。 诗诗：每当我这样子顶着粉头发，拎着包回到医院的时候，我的医生都会再给我加药，因为那个时候我不理解，我说我这么好，这么开心，为什么还要给我加药，后来我父亲才跟我说，医生当时就跟他说，她这个阶段是不正常的，这个阶段是在躁狂期，情绪是有一点异常的嗨，所以就要把它给降下来，因为我那个时候真的是觉得我的天啊太开心了，因为我那个时候其实每天都有写日记的习惯，前面总是写我好想死，我怎么还不死，就是类似这种，等到我真的，我后来有看那一段时间住院那段时间，每一天都是今天去了哪，好开心，就是几个感叹号，好开心，每一天都特别特别的开心。 记者：好。 诗诗：那一段是我后来有体会，我觉得确实是让我体会到双向嗨的时候是另外一种什么样的感觉。 记者：对，所以你在医院的时候，诊断是双向一还是二，其实双向目前大概有四个类别的区别，你有跟医生聊过吗？ 诗诗：好像是双向一。 记者：我听见也像是双向一，因为我们（英文）也有这个互助小组，其实来到我们这儿双向的人还不少，也听过很多类似的一些故事，听起来就是双向一的情况。OK，那我们再总结一下，你其实首发应该是在大四？ 诗诗：对。 记者：一直走了多年，其实给我的感觉是抑郁转双向，因为前两次其实是抑郁状，然后慢慢的转到双向，这个也是很多时候比较常见的，我这边了解到的比较常见的一个状态，这一段历程大概有多少年的时间，从首发一直到上一次双向的一个首发，也是最后一次对吧？ 诗诗：对，大概是2014年到2018年吧，四年的时间。 记者：好的，这一块我想再来问几个问题，就是我们的这些倡导的活动，特别想帮助他们有双向情感障碍，抑郁人身边的这些亲朋好友知道我在当下应该怎么样去帮我身边这个人。 诗诗：我在抑郁或者是双向的时候，最不喜欢或者最不喜欢别人听到的一句话就是，大家常说的你看开点就好了，你想开点就好了，你想那么多干嘛啊，你根本就没事儿，就是想太多，他是在否定你现在的这个状态，会让你觉得更加的沮丧，就会让你觉得我这样果然是没有意义的，我做什么是有意义的，就会陷入更加深的一个漩涡当中。 诗诗：我觉得跟说千万不要去否定他们现在的这个状态，我当时是很感谢我那个时候的男朋友，他非常坚持的一直陪在我身边，虽然他知道没有办法做一些什么来帮助到我，真正帮助到我，但是他有做到一个最基本的陪伴，我觉得就是以这样的一种倾听者的姿态去靠近抑郁症患者，或者是双向情感障碍患者的时候，其实他们会更加觉得温暖的。 记者：对，我觉得这两点你提的特别好，一个就是我们首先要去肯定这个人当下所有的情绪，当我们肯定了之后我们的陪伴更多的是我在这里对吧，如果你有任何话的话，不管你觉得多么的不好意思，羞愧，但是你都可以跟我讲，所以其实更多的时候是希望我们的亲朋好友能够不是帮我们去解决掉任何的问题，更多的是作为一个承载体，像是一艘船一样，你就在那里，我如果需要上船的时候，我知道我可以往上踏一步。 诗诗：对，就是这个意思。

此采访为中文采访，中英文参访字幕在文末。 In March 2021, CandleX director Xiaojie interviewed Kelly Yang on her experience with bipolar disorder. A year later, CandleX decided to present this interview in five chapters to commemorate World Bipolar Day. This is Chapter 1 of the interview. In Chapter 1, Kelly first introduces herself to the audience. She grew up in Beijing with her parents, studied abroad for college, and is on her dream career path. She illustrates herself as a hard worker and high achiever. Through her stories and descriptions, we get the sense that Kelly’s life was quite ideal and successful. She says that on the outside, she is an extrovert who loves to socialize and try new things. However, she explains that because of her constant desire for excellence, deep down there is another side to her that is very vulnerable, sensitive, and prone to self-doubt. Xiaojie then asks Kelly when she first experienced symptoms of bipolar disorder. According to Kelly, there were three times she had signs of bipolar disorder. The first time was in Kelly’s last year of college: she was stressed with life decisions and pressured to do well on important exams for graduate school. She was constantly self-doubting and surrounded by negativity during this time until she finally received the offer to graduate school and could feel relief. The second time was a bit like the first: she pressured herself to do the absolute best in graduate school, which caused her to use excessive energy in studying and be in a constant state of self-doubt for half a year. This time, the symptoms went away when she won the major scholarship award and was first in her grade. The third and most previous time was due to work: she was under high work pressure, so when she made a small mistake, she thought her life was ruined. She says this third time was different from previous times because her emotions were going from one extreme to the other. She remembers her father telling her that for five days, she was restless and didn’t sleep. On one extreme, she would jump, run, shout, and cry at home or act crazy out in public. On the other extreme, she would hide in the corner of her room without talking or eating. Xiaojie summarizes with Kelly’s confirmation that the first two episodes (times) Kelly described were closer to depression, and the third episode was when she started having bipolar symptoms. In Chapter 2, they will discuss more about the emotional states during phases of bipolar disorder. TRANSCRIPT Xiaojie: It's good to see you again today. This is the second time we've met, right? Xiaojie: The first time we met should be last week (March 2021). Kelly: We met at one of the movie nights. Xiaojie: So I'm very happy that we had that conversation after the movie, and you said that you were willing to share your experience with bipolar disorder and the treatment process you went through. So I'm delighted to speak with you in our "broadcast studio" today. Kelly: Yes, because I had my own experience with bipolar disorder for about two years, and as I told you last time, after people around me knew that I have this illness, they came to me for consultation, or hoped I could share some advice with them, so I hope that I can help more people who suffer from this mental illness, so that they can know how to get proper treatment, or how to get out of this predicament. Xiaojie: Yes, actually experiencing a bipolar disorder is a journey. I would like hear your story bit by bit from the very beginning. Kelly: I graduated from Hong Kong Baptist University, and I am now working on documentary production as a documentary director. My life story is relatively simple since I am a Beijinger, I grew up with my parents, had about a year and a half of overseas study experience, and after I returned, I successfully got to work my dream job at a TV station. Actually, everything went relatively smooth for me. I am seen as the "good child" in others' eyes. So before my illness, everyone would think I was doing well in all aspects and that my parents never need to worry about me. I always had an excellent image. Even when I was suffering from bipolar disorder, everyone was shocked because they thought life was so smooth for me. I think this is a misconception that others have. Xiaojie: Right, and it's quite a common misconception, too. May I ask you about your personality? You talked about how your entire life has been quite smooth and successful, so what are you like in the eyes of people around you? Kelly: I don't know if I feel too good about myself, but I have always thought of myself as quite extroverted. Of course, I'm not THAT open. I'm just more willing to share my thoughts with people, and I like to socialize and hang out with people. I have many hobbies and interests, and I hope to explore more possibilities. I am actually a more outgoing person who is willing to try new things, and my personality was always like this. Of course, with this outgoing personality, there is definitely another side. That is, there is also a very sensitive and delicate side. It may be due to my desire for excellence ever since I was young, so I would constantly judge myself, like what if I am not good enough, or did I say something to make others unhappy? Behind the outgoing side there is, this introverted, sensitive and vulnerable side. I think it's this kind of double-sided personality. Kelly: There are actually three times when I showed signs of this illness. The first time was when I was preparing for my postgraduate exam, I was taking the IELTS test, and that time I was faced with a life decision. My parents, including my boyfriend at that time, couldn't give me much advice that I could rely on, so I had to make this choice on my own. When making a choice, I was always torn, not knowing what to do, and I also wished to get a very high score on the IELTS exam, so during the entire time of the exams, I could clearly feel that my emotions were very low, and stayed low for a really long time. Xiaojie: You mentioned for a long time, so about how long? Kelly: Around six to eight months. During this period of time, I was always in a state of self doubt. I felt like I was not good enough. I would think "why couldn't I do anything well?" There were always these negative emotions surrounding me. This time, once I received the offer to my school, everything was fine again. In fact, after the offer, it all felt fine at once. So this was the first time. The second time was when I was studying at HKBU. because my undergraduate degree was in international finance, and I took a big leap to an international news major for my graduate major. Because learning journalism and working in television has always been my dream, so I really hoped that through this experience of studying abroad, I could really understand how to work in the industry I want. So, at that time, I worked very hard. I was afraid that I wouldn't do well. Every night I called my mother crying, telling her why I couldn’t do anything well and why I was so incompetent. But in fact, this inability to do well was the self-image that I put on myself. Xiaojie: That’s stress. Kelly: No matter how many people told me otherwise, it didn't work. I firmly believed that I wasn't good enough, and I told myself that I needed to work even harder. It might sound a bit like I'm bragging, but this time, I won the only major scholarship award in my whole grade, Xiaojie: That is already fantastic. Kelly: I was first place in my entire grade that year, and I felt like I received affirmation, so my emotions stabilized again. This second time also lasted for about half a year. It was also a time of extremely negative emotions and no lifted spirits when I wouldn't eat or sleep. This was the second time. The third time, and the most recent one, was because of work. I was under a relatively high-intensity work pressure, so because of a minor mistake, I suddenly broke down. That mistake was minor to the point where it's like I can't even recall it now, but it had felt like the whole world collapsed around me. I thought all the decisions I made and everything I had done were all wrong. I thought my relationships were ruined. I thought my career was gone, and love was gone. At the time, I fed myself a lot of these imaginations. That time, it was obvious that my reactions were different from previous times. My emotions swayed between two extremes. I remember my father telling me that I went five days without sleeping, and I didn't feel tired at all. I would jump, run, shout and cry at home, and when I was outside, I would go mad and act sort of crazy. Or I would sit in the corner of my room all day without speaking, responding, or eating. I was jumping between these two extremes. Xiaojie: So for the first two times, it sounds like you had many months of depression. But you were in a stably depressed state during those times. Kelly: Correct. Xiaojie: The third episode was actually when you started to have bipolar symptoms, right? Can you tell us, during times when you feel bipolar symptoms, what the high and low emotional states are like? For depression, the emotional state is depressed; some people are sorrowful, others are numb with low spirits. I want to learn more about the emotional and physical experience during times of mania for you. 文字稿 记者：很高兴今天再一次见到你，这应该是我第二次见到你了是吧？ 诗诗：对，是。 记者：咱们第一次应该是在上周？ 诗诗：对。 记者：上周的时候。 诗诗：在那个观影会上见到的。 记者：所以我很开心当时我们在观影会结束之后说，你有一些自己的经历，包括你治疗的一些过程，愿意跟我们分享，所以我非常高兴今天能够在我们的直播间里头跟你有一次的谈话。 诗诗：是，因为我确实是自己有过，现在有两年左右的双向情感障碍得病的经历，包括像上次跟你讲的，就是我身边的很多人知道了我有这个病之后，都愿意去来找我咨询，或者是希望我能跟他们分享一些我的建议，所以我还是很希望能够帮助更多的人，就是有这个困扰的人，能够希望让他们知道怎么才可以得到一个正确的治疗，或者是怎么才可以帮助这些人走出这个困境。 记者：对的，其实有双向情感障碍，是一个旅程，我就从最开始一点一点来听你讲故事。 诗诗：大家好，我叫诗诗，也可以叫我Kelly，我是毕业于香港金汇大学，现在从事的是一个纪录片的拍摄工作，是一个纪录片导演，其实我的经历还比较简单，因为我是北京人，就是从小在父母的身边长大，有过大概一年半左右海外留学的经历，回来之后就很顺利的进入到了电视台进行，从事自己比较梦想的一个职业，其实一路下来算是比较顺利的，算是一个别人眼中的好孩子的那种形象，所以其实一直在得病之前，大家都会觉得诗诗怎么样，哪里都好，不用父母操心，其实一直都是以这样一个形象在世人面前出现的，直到后来得病其实大家也都会觉得你怎么会得病，你明明都那么的顺利，其实算是大家的一个误区吧。 记者：对，这也是挺常见的一个误区吧，我能大概问一下你的性格，你刚才有谈到说你可能生活上一路走的也比较顺利，在一般人平时跟你接触的这些朋友里头，大家眼中的你会是什么样子的？ 诗诗：我个人觉得也不知道是不是太自我感觉良好了，因为我一直以来，我认为我是一个算是比较外向的性格，当然了也没有说那么的Open，就是一个比较愿意跟人去分享自己的想法，然后比较喜欢社交，比较喜欢跟人出去玩儿，自己有比较多的兴趣爱好，比较希望能够探索更多的可能性，其实是一个比较外放的人，愿意去接触很多新鲜的事物这样的一个人，我之前的性格一直就是这样的。 诗诗：当然除了这个外放的性格，肯定在另外一面，就是会有很敏感细腻的一面，就是因为可能也是我自己本身从小就是希望自己能够优秀这样的一个底色在，其实自己会不断的审视自己，会不会是在哪方面做的不够好，会不会是我说了这句话他有没有不高兴，其实是会有在外向的背后是有自己内向的和敏感脆弱的一面，我觉得是这种双面的性格。 记者：对啊。 诗诗：我其实算是有三次这个得病的一个征兆，第一次大概是在我大四要考研，出去考学然后考雅思的时候，因为那个时候面临着一个算是人生的抉择吧，而且在这方面其实我父母啊，包括我那个时候的男朋友也不能给我太多，很让我觉得有依靠的建议，所以我只能自己去做这个选择，然后在做选择的时候就一直很纠结，不知道应该怎么办，包括当时考雅思又希望考到一个很高的分数，所以其实是在当时考学的时候，就整个一段时间，能很明显的感觉到这个情绪非常的低落，就是持续很长一段时间都很低落。 记者：很长一段时间，大概有多长时间？ 诗诗：有个半年到八个月吧，这段时间其实一直都是处于非常，就觉得自己不行，我怎么这么不行，什么都做不好，总是有一些负面情绪围绕着你，这一次其实相当于在我拿到进会的offer之后，一切就好了，这个情绪一下子就没有了，其实是在这个节点之后，一下子就好了，这是第一次。第二次是我在进会读书的时候，因为我其实本科学的是国际金融，我是研究生的时候跨了一个很远的专业学的国际新闻，因为学新闻做电视一直是我的一个理想，所以说我很希望能够通过这次海外求学的经历，让我能够真正懂得怎么去做我想做的这个行业，那个时候就非常的用功，我很怕自己学不好，我就恨不得废寝忘食的那样去学，每天晚上的时候都打电话回去给我妈哭，说我为什么什么都做不好，为什么这么不行，但其实这种所谓的不好、不行，是自己给自己施加的那种印象。 记者：压力。 诗诗：其实别人，不论多少人说你已经做的很好了，你做的很棒了，你非常好，但是都不行，自己就是觉得自己不行，一定要再去更努力，然后这一次呢，其实这样说可能现在所谓说的有点“凡尔赛”，这一次是我知道拿了当时全年级唯一一个第一名的一等奖学金。 记者：已经很棒了。 诗诗：我当年是拿到我们全年级的第一，那之后就突然好像得到了一个肯定，一下子那个情绪也没有了。第二次大概是去了有也是差不多半年左右的时间，但也是属于情绪非常低落，一直都提不起兴致来，也不吃饭，不睡觉，大概是这样，这是第二次。第三次就是工作，也就是最近的这一次，其实是相当于我一直处于一个比较高强度的工作压力当中，是因为一个非常小的失误，我突然一下子就崩溃了，那个原因小到已经现在感觉提都已经提不出来了，那种感觉，但是突然一下子就感觉世界崩塌了，觉得我以前做的所有决定啊，包括所有的这些事情都错了，我这个人际关系也崩塌了，我工作也没了，爱情也没有了，当时就给自己加了很多这种臆想，那一次的反映就很明显跟前两次有所不同，它是会情绪在两极当中来回的游弋，我隔很长一段时间，就是我父亲跟我讲的差不多五天五夜不睡觉，而且那五天五夜不睡觉就是完全不觉得累，一直在屋子里蹦、跑、嘶吼、哭，在外面也是就是各种的发疯，做一些，有一些看起来有点发疯的行为，要么就是在屋子里面坐在角落里一天都不说话，怎么叫都不应声也不吃饭，大概是会在这两极当中来回的跳。 记者：所以第三次，前两次听起来有一个比较长的几个月的抑郁期，但是在这个抑郁期里头是一个平稳的状态。 诗诗：对。 记者：第三次的时候，其实就是在整个（英文），一个（英文）的时候，你就已经有这个双向的倾向了对不对，能够大概给我们讲一下双向的时候，高的时候和低的时候你的一个情绪状态是什么样的吗？因为抑郁的话它的这种情绪就是抑郁感，有的人有悲伤，有的人会有麻木的这种感觉，提不起兴趣之类的，你刚刚讲的我想更多的去探讨一下，我们在躁狂期这个时候是什么样的一个情绪体验以及你的生理体验？

“Having been working in mental health for 7 years, I have at times felt energy depletion, empathy, and compassion. I have travelled far for many retreats over the years to charge myself. Sometime I wish we could just do it right here in Beijing, especially now with COVID travel restrictions. I know many other healers in Beijing who do great work for our communities need a place to be taken care of for a change. Then I thought why not just create one for our own Beijing healers?” On January 1-2, we hosted the very first CandleX Beijing Community Healers Retreat. It was aimed at people in the Beijing community who have volunteered their time and expertise over the past years and helped to build up our community resilience for mental health. The retreat was carried out in a small, intimate, and cozy home environment in Shunyi, where we were able to get away from downtown for a bit. A two-day meditation, creative writing, self-reflecting card games, movies, mindful walk, and good food were on the two-day agenda. At this retreat, we continued to practice mindfulness – in our use of phones, words, and energy. “I constantly check in with everything I do, and the work CandleX does is constantly reminded by something Maya Angelou once said: ‘Maybe the hardest part is, if you teach, you have to live your teaching,’” says Xiaojie. (You can learn more about CandleX’s spirit on this blog post in 2017: Xiaojie's letter | # 20 CandleX's two years now. But where am I?) We are pleased to have offered the very needed space for healers in Beijing and we aim to do another one this coming up spring. We’d like to ask the community for two things: Please let us know if you know someone who’s been volunteering their time and expertise that support community mental health. We’d like to get to know them and potentially invite them to our next retreat. We believe community healers need to be taken care of by the community as well. If you have ever attended a wellbeing event hosted by healers that made the healing events accessible to you, we encourage you to donate to our Beijing Community Healer Retreat Funds. This way, you’d be helping more community healers get access to the support that they deserve. Please add Summer to make a donation, and let her know that it goes to “Beijing Community Healer Retreat.”

"In dance, I met myself,” Xiaojie said. Here is her story. “在摇摆舞中，我遇见了我自己。“ 小杰说。 这，是一篇她的故事。 作者 Author: 秦小杰 Xiaojie Qin 时间 Date: 2021 ​ Before Swing Dance Back when I was just a toddler, mum said that whenever I heard music from the radio, I would move. The happy tune is my step. I remember that in primary school, I’d always participate in the group dance at the elders’ community. I remember that I was the youngest one in the dance group, the grandmas from the group said I was a good dancer, I must have been nine by the time. Picture: One-year-old Xiaojie In high school, every Saturday - the only night without extra study in a week, I would wait for my parents to go out for a walk and start my stress relief activities, dancing and moving my body, in crazy routines to the DVDs of Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Whitney Huston, Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and Coco Lee. Once I started working, for the first time ever, I had enough time to explore my hobbies. Salsa for a few months, I had so much fun. The only thing I didn’t enjoy was that the shoes were so uncomfortable, they were high heels after all! In the spring of 2010, a friend said there is a swing dance class that day at Zhang Zizhong's. I never heard of that dance before. Why not, I thought. I didn’t have anything better to do. Picture: 2010 swing dance in Sanlitun village (now Taikooli) 摇摆舞之前 我妈说，那个时候我刚会走路，正从屋子里外往外走。广播里开始播放一首歌曲，我颠颠簸簸的走回来，‘每一步都踩着快乐的节奏‘。 小学了，我记得一段时间，我总会去参加单位老人家的集体舞蹈，就是现在的广场舞吧。我还记得，当时我是最年轻的一个，老奶奶们说我跳的不错。那个时候，我应该9岁吧。 高中了，每周周六，那是唯一一个没有晚自习的夜晚，我就等着爸妈出去散步后开始我雷打不动的解压活动，疯狂的跟着Christina Anglera, Britney Spears, Whitney Huston, Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson还有李玟的DVD扭摆。 照片：2010 三里屯户外摇摆舞 工作了，第一次有足够的时间去探索爱好，Salsa了有几个月，挺好玩的，就是那个鞋穿着不舒服，再舒服也是个带跟的鞋啊。 然后，2010年的春天，一个朋友说当天有个摇摆舞体验课，在张志忠那里。啥是摇摆舞？我心想。反正也没事，那就去呗。 照片：2011 Swing Time Ball 照片：2018北京布鲁斯舞蹈节 The Beginning of Swing Dance Do I believe love at first sight? Call me romantic! I felt for the first time, the meaning of love at first sight from my first swing lesson! (If you have read my story of Brazilian Jiujistu, you would know love at first sight can happen more than once in life). I remember just watching Josh and Leru’s little performance from that day back in 2010, and I knew I was in love with swing dance. After that there was the weekly class - no other options were available at that time. You only got to dance just once a week. In the same class was Simon Bressanelli. if you're a swing dancer, you know that he is a master teacher and dancer on the international stage. I used to think I had some talent, but in the class, I found out that many other people could learn the moves, but I felt I had 2 left feet. Picture: June 2010 with Simon Bressanelli In the same summer, I went to study abroad. In Antwerp, Belgium, I do not remember whether there were weekly lessons, I only remember that I went to observe the local classes, and we practiced bounce in that class. Eager to achieve success quickly, I would go to a special class with the local swing dancer, and I would always go to the dancing party. With full immersion at the parties, I could practice and grow, with local experts and only correct swing movements based on the natural expression of my body. Those ugly swing moves didn't stop me from ‘bothering’ the lead. It was at one dance party when I first met Sep, a famous Belgian swing pioneer - I said I didn't know how to do the moves he was demonstrating. I tried to jump around with him. I vaguely remember him saying that I have the ‘energy’ and, with time, I could be a good dancer. I still don't know what he meant by "energy” but maybe it's the most natural response that music brings to my body, and the way I let my body express itself. 3 pictures: 2010-2011 Belgium 摇摆舞之初 信不信一见钟情，信！不是我罗曼蒂克，因为摇摆舞的第一个体验课我就感受到了一见钟情的含义。（当然，你读过我巴西柔术的故事，就知道一见钟情可不会一生只有一次。）我只记得，当天看着Josh和Leru做了一小段的表演，我就知道我没救了。接下来就是每周一次的课程，那个时候没得挑，每周就一次，同学还有Simon Bressanelli，如果你是个摇摆舞者，你就会知道这个已经是当代国际舞台大师级别的舞者了。以前我觉得自己还有点天赋，一上课发现怎么好多别人都会了的舞步，自己就是不会呢？ 照片：2015 China Lindy Hop Championship in Beijing 照片：2018 China Lindy Hop Championship in Beijing 那个夏天，我出国念书了。在比利时，安特卫普已经不记得有没有固定的周课，我只记得我去观摩了下当地的课程，那一堂课就练bounce，心急想吃热豆腐的我没去上常规课，有时候会跟当地的摇摆舞着去上个特别课程之类的，有舞会的时候我都会去。没有了系统一步一步的学习，我就只能在舞会中成长，在以身体自然的表达为基础上去纠正摇摆舞的动作。非常惨不忍睹的摇摆舞步没有阻止我去骚扰lead。一次舞会，我第一次遇见Sep，比利时耳熟能详的摇摆舞先驱了，我说我不会跳，我试着跟着他蹦来蹦去的，我模糊的记得他说，我有一股劲，随着时间，我可以成为一个不错的舞者。 我现在也不知道他们口中的“劲“什么，也许是音乐带给我身体的最自然的反应，以及我允许身体对这个反应的表达。 照片：2011跟Josh在北京

CandleX is constantly impressed by the work that other organizations or platforms in Beijing are doing, contributing to personal and community growth. CandleX believes the future lies in the younger generation, so we created a space for those mental health-oriented teens to sit face-to-face with community leaders, interviewing them on their vulnerabilities, intentions, stories, and work. This is an interview done by our 17-year-old teen writer—a child of an expat family who lives in Beijing. She sat down with the founder of the Great Human Connection, Matteo Casto, to learn more about why he founded the Great Human Connection. Interviewer and author: Nicola Interviewee: Matteo Gasto, founder of Great Human Connection Interview: 2021 Maybe you’ve been feeling unmotivated, alone, indifferent. Maybe you’ve enjoyed working from home, spending more time with your family members. Maybe they’ve driven you insane—whatever it is, for most of us, life has been different since the pandemic started. Maybe you’ve picked up baking or Sunday walks or started drinking tea to help cope with the changes. There’s no shortage of Covid-driven, or perhaps Covid-enabled, projects and coping mechanisms. Thinking about these Covid-enabled projects led me to sit down with Matteo Casto and his partner, Lisa Li, to discuss their own lockdown project: The Great Human Connection. When Matteo moved to China in February of 2019, he was determined to make his time here more meaningful than the business trips and holidays he had spent in China before. Of course, the Covid-19 pandemic threw a wrench in those plans. With everything locked down, people were confined to their homes and worried about the goings-on outside of our doors; Matteo felt stressed, limited and restricted—not how he had anticipated 2020 to go for him. The travel restrictions meant that he couldn’t visit his children or other family members for a long while, and it became harder to maintain his other relationships. He admitted feeling like he wasn’t living up to his role as a father or friend—because he couldn’t. Perhaps knowing his situation makes the Great Human Connection almost self-explanatory: determined to have meaning, let down by circumstances, and lacking the usual closeness of his relationships, Matteo decided he could simply make it happen, create meaning. That leaves the questions of exactly what the GHC is/does. The Great Human Connection is primarily an online platform connecting people with meaningful events, conversations, and get-togethers. It’s designed as a tool to enable people to understand themselves better and connect with others who find meaning in the same events. Based on the theory that there are five main areas of fulfillment/types of people (executive, validator, intellectual, director, and realtor), most of us a combination of two kinds, the GHC seeks to bring people closer to what they need to feel content. Follow their WeChat account and learn more at their event. In line with their motto, “Know yourself. Connect to your community. Change the world,” Matteo and Lisa believe that we have a responsibility to figure out who we are, what brings us fulfillment, and to seek that out and communicate our needs to others. A vital part of this process is self-reflection, as well as spending time with others. While the GHC has brought about positive experiences for those interacting with the platform, Matteo says that it’s been a positive experience for him too. Trying to bring others closer to themselves is inevitably followed by asking yourself what you need and want from life. For both him and Lisa, who runs GHC’s lifestyle brand, the Art Of Connection, founding their platform has given them opportunities to host events meaningful to them and gave this lockdown period more purpose. Incidentally, the manpower and talent needed to keep such an ambitious, kind initiative going strengthened the relationships Matteo felt had been slipping. He shared that two of his children are involved with volunteering and providing content for the Spanish version of their website, as well as friends helping with the general upkeep. While the GHC was born out of a place of unfulfillment and discontent—or maybe because it was—it’s taken root and blossomed into a genuine vehicle for connection, and both Matteo and Lisa have found meaning in what they do. Like the rest of us, the GHC is still getting to know itself. Coming up on its one-year anniversary (happy birthday!), Matteo and Lisa are contemplating where to go from here. The Art of Connection is staying; though they might be narrowing down the broad net they’d initially cast. An area that may be growing is the Modern Man—a series of workshops and a support group surrounding men’s mental health. His own experience in early 2020 made Matteo realize that mental health can affect everyone, anytime, and there’s quite a lack of resources plus some more stigma for men struggling with their mental health. He hopes to expand this section and empower and enable more men worldwide to open up, talk about their experiences and bring this power to others in their community. Definitely something to keep an eye out for! I encourage you to check out their WeChat account or website and see if you may be interested in one of their upcoming events! Not to bring personal bias into an article, but I found a lot of value in their mission to essentially help people create a better, more fulfilling life for themselves and those around them through the sheer act of knowing who you are and listening to who other people are. Where better to start than with the Great Human Connection? Thank you to Matteo and Lisa for the insightful conversation and for taking the time to sit down with me. Photos: from Matteo Gasto

In June 2015, Xiaojie Qin, Founder of CandleX, spoke about the uncomfortable, sensitive topic of depression on a national television program: CCTV: China Insight. CandleX is honored to be the voice of millions of people who due to the stigma associated with mental illness are going through the darkest and most difficult times of their life in silence. The episode was aired on CCTV news in August 2015. Watch Xiaojie speak on China Insight, as she opens up about her own experiences with depression and bipolar disorder. Mao Ai Zhen, the founder of Shang Shan Foundation, shares her stories about mental illness within the family and the public reaction to it. Around the world, there are thousands of people joining hands to raise awareness about mental illness. Many of those affected by mental illness are high achieving individuals that have made significant contributions to the development of our society. For CandleX, they are the inspirations and source of strength. “I really like Elyn Saks ( Associate Dean and Orrin B. Evans Professor of Law, Psychology, and Psychiatry and the Behavioral Sciences at the University of Southern California Gould Law School, an expert in mental health law and a MacArthur Foundation Fellowship winner)”, Xiaojie says. “She is speaking out about her own mental struggle with schizophrenia and has brought so much power to so many others and enabled them to do the same. If we all speak about it, we will not only help to create a world free of stigma, but fill our hearts with wisdom and light.” In order to be part of the community and reduce ignorance, and social stigma about depression and bi-polar disorder, CandleX actively engages with media, including national TV channels, newspapers, and magazines. We believe that talking about it is the most effective way to learn and heal. And we also believe that bringing light to the community about mental illness can change how people see others suffering with mental illness. For the full video, please watch here CCTV(CGTV) webpage. starting from 12mins and 23 seconds We are open for interviews either on camera or off camera about raising the awareness of depression and bi-polar. To get a hold of us for interviews, please contact us via email: info@candlex.cn We’d like to introduce the Shang Shan Foundation, they are fighting the stigma of mental illness and educating the public about mental illness. Founder Mao Ai Zhen's efforts in spreading knowledge of depression include creating a handbook that details the causes and symptoms of depression. #depression #bipolar #beijing #mentalhealth

On the 7th of April 2017, China’s major national English news channel – China Global Television Network aired a two minute segment to celebrate World Health Day. CGTN is formerly known as CCTV English International and is a widely-known 24-hour English News channel of CCTV, based in Beijing. Watch the full segment here (if in China) here (if not in China) An article, “World Health Day Raises Awareness for Depression” was featured on the CGTN’s website as well. The interview featured Dr. Bernhard Schwartlander, the World Health Organization’s Representative to China; the Founder of CandleX – Qin Xiaojie; and a student from China’s top university affected by depression. The World Health Organization (WHO), which is the main sponsor of this annual project, chose depression as the theme of this year’s World Health Day. According to Dr. Bernhard Schwartlander, this issue was selected for it being very close to many people’s hearts. As CandleX aims to help people, who may still be in the darkness and unable to get professional help, it was an important element of the news segment. Xiaojie spoke about the psychological difficulties many Chinese people experience. More often than not the society is not very supportive of public displays of emotion. Therefore, the sufferers of mental disorders tend to internalize and suppress negative emotions. This only leads to further mental distress and severe mental disorders. The news piece also discussed the main symptoms of depression and aimed to shed more light on the disease that is still perceived as taboo in China. The World Health Day this year strives to bring awareness of depression around the world. Alongside big international organizations, such as the WHO, local NGOs, like CandleX are vital actors in both bringing the knowledge to the community and helping the affected individuals. CandleX is a needed social support for many individuals, who are going through depression on their own. CandleX is “trying to provide an inclusive, confidential, and non-judgmental support community”. #depression #mentalhealth #Beijing

We have entered schools, embassies, and communities to talk about depression. We have started CandleX columns to help strengthen and educate the community. We host bi-weekly psychosocial support sessions for English speakers in Beijing who are experiencing mental health challenges. Thank you to City Weekend for summing up what we do! Click here for their story about us. #Beijing #mentalhealth #depression

What does bipolar disorder have to do with art, body movement, psychosocial education, or, more directly, your life? We don’t often think of those suffering in silence around us, but mental health issues, such as bipolar disorder – mood swings from hyper and manic activity to depressed states of helplessness – affect more people than we realize. To raise awareness in the community, CandleX, a Beijing based NGO on mental health, created a campaign called MoodlaB, which consists of 9 components aimed at educating the public and expressing the emotional aspects of bipolar disorder through art[QX1] . Ongoing Photoshoot The project started in September 2016, and has since grown and expanded with more partners and volunteers participating. Initially, this project was based on a series of photoshoots by famous photographer Pere Ibañez to showcase how people suffering from Bipolar disorder feel, capturing the essence of such tormented moods. Volunteers were called in from the community, and so far there have been 7 models from different walks and cultures. Two photos have been selected to be showcased at Los Angeles Center for Digital Art (LACDA), with two more upcoming gallery exhibitions in New York, and India. These photos are shown in Chinese media as well, eg. The Beijinger, Jingkids, etc. The photoshoot is ongoing with more community participation and the exhibitions are being arranged in and out of China. Emotional wellbeing workshop Since December 2016, as a component of increasing awareness on the range of human emotions, CandleX has hosted two MoodLab workshops: one at UCCA on Dececember 2016 and one at WCO in MOMA Beijing on March 2017, who sponsored the venue. The workshops were facilitated by several experienced counselors and volunteers working with CandleX. Participants in each workshop came from both from China and abroad. To guarantee the quality of the workshops, a limited number of 25 participants was applied. Participants opened themselves up to a range of emotions through art forms, such as body movement and drawing. CandleX’s technical team lead by Melena, a certified counselor, guided the participants to become aware of how their physical bodies sensed different emotions, and to reflect that in drawings. The workshops went below the surface to identify the emotions that drive our behaviors, and introduced how emotions could range in intensity, from annoyance, to anger, to rage. The participants were also introduced to bipolar disorder and how people affected by it carry on with their lives. Quite a few of the workshop participants are continuing the project through the photoshoots. Interested in participating in such a workshop? Then scan our QR code at the end to follow our events announcement for more information on our next workshop! Psychoeducation In Feb 2017, the third component of psychoeducation was conducted by our partner, My Therapist, a top national platform that focuses on providing high quality psychological services. They have shared the CandleX’s message and MoodLaB photos on their social media platform, expanding our reach. MyTherapist also contributed content through MoodLab and published articles to explore what having bipolar disorder could mean for individuals. We have more coming up, video production, MoodlaB educational art book on bipolar disorder, one model one story, etc, all part of the MoodlaB project. Call for participation With this range of activities, CandleX is empowering individuals to speak up for themselves, to share experience of bipolar challenges, and to engage in self-reflection to better understand our own emotions. This can only be done through consolidating resources and building a wider platform through the support of volunteers and partners. Utmost thanks goes to the team behind CandleX and partnering institutions, organizations, companies, and sponsors, such as Bearapy and Itgetsbrighter. Candle X is still looking for models to participate in the photoshoot. Those interested could apply by scanning this QR code: Stay tuned also for more information on the upcoming Second Anniversary Party, to be held on the 1st of April at Modernista. Those interested in joining and supporting to celebrate the work CandleX has done in these two years – from a few people in a support group to massive public education campaigns. Register by scanning this QR code: For more information, please contact: Ugnė Mikalajūnaitė 于明花 ugne.mikalajunaite@candlex.cn #Moodlab #Beijing #bipolar #depression

People with bipolar disorder Their voices, and faces Why don’t we use art to “talk” about it? Moodlab Project kicked off in September 2016, with the core element of our photoshoot featuring community members whose lives are affected by bipolar disorder. As part of 9 elements, this is the foundation of this project, to use art to create a space for conversation, courage, and community connection and to bring people with bipolar disorder out of the darkness. So we are partnering with Pere Ibanez, who is a famous artist from Spain, to invite people into our studio for a photography session, and to learn their individual stories. 12 months have passed and we have taken the time to connect with the community members. We have currently completed 20 photos and only a few more need to be done before the entire collection will be complete. To date, we have released 5 photos in exhibitions and publications around the world - from the USA and Canada to India and China. It is not just a photoshoot, but a process for the participants to be able to step up and advocate for bipolar disorder. These are people at our dinner table, but with a story that you might not know. Each photo is a symbol that no one should be alone; each photo is a triumph that we all can have a voice, even if it shakes us. With this in mind, we invite you to engage with the pictures and hear the voices from each picture. We encourage you to keep an open mind as you might hear different things from these pictures. Best of Photography 2017 Official Selection by Photographer's Forum and Serbin Press, USA The released photos have been published in art books, magazines, included in various exhibitions, and received international awards for photographic excellence. Each place these photos travel to raises awareness for bipolar disorder. We want to de-stigmatize bipolar disorder, and start a conversation. Moodlab photo on exhibition at LACDA in L.A USA, April 2017 The released photos and future updates can also be found on Pere Ibañez's website . More than just a photoshoot This story is special for us! We received an application from Ugne Mikalajunaite applying to be part of the photoshoot; we received an email from her applying to volunteer for CandleX at the same time. We accepted both applications. Ever since November last year, she's been working on Moodlab bringing more people into the studio, and she also had her own photo taken. This is the power of art, bringing people together, empowering us to be more than a scary diagnosis. This is the spirit of Moodlab project. In September, we will have our 6th photo release. This is going to be her photo! As we wrap up our photoshoot studio phase, now we are entering their personal stories phase. This is a process that will lead to our educational book, with photos, stories and facts about bipolar. This is scheduled to be completed by March 2018. Community Engagement Furthermore, it is important to note that this project is not for us or about us, but for all of the participants, Beijing community, and people beyond it. We hope that the courage and the openness of the models, who are your colleagues, friends, or just passers-by, will inspire you as well. Therefore, it means that we wish to invite you, the community members, in the promotion and community engagement. We encourage you to speak out about mental health in your circles and share the news about our project. This way you will also become a part of the campaign, which in-turn will reach more people, and raise the awareness in China and beyond. If you want to talk to us about being engaged with MoodLaB, reach us at: info@candlex.cn MoodLaB Emotional Wellbeing Workshop at UCCA, Dec 2016 You Can Share and Inspire Social Media Follow. Like. Share and re-share once again. From our WeChat account to the photographer Pere Ibañez's Facebook page, there are plenty of ways. It is the best way to get the latest updates and share the news with your friends on Facebook wall, Instagram feed, or WeChat moment. Be our guest! Speak about it online and offline. Do not be afraid of raising mental health awareness everywhere you are, as that is the best way to reduce the taboo and increase the general knowledge! Fundraising Recently, we have opened an account on Generosity and on Zhongchou to raise funds for the ultimate goal of the Moodlab Project - the Art Book for Bipolar Disorder Education, which will include selected photos, stories of the models, and educational information on bipolar disorder. We would be immensely grateful if you shared the link with your friends to help us get the needed financial resources! At the same time, if you have a WeChat Wallet account, you can directly support us on our platform. #Moodlab #bipolar #Beijing #China #depression

This how we feel recently! We may try hard to be humble. But deep down, sometimes we are like this: Throughout the development of Moodlab, our initiative to “Raise Bipolar Awareness via Art,” the photos released through the project have been receiving a lot of international attention during the whole process. Our first exhibition was in Dec 2016 in L.A， and from that point on, it really has just exploded on the internet. We can’t create good art without the soul of a good artist. And this artist published a book with our Moodlab productions! The photographer and our partner, Pere Ibañez, has received a great amount of attention since the release of his book “Syzygy.” Photos are a production of our Moodlab Bipolar Campaign. “Syzygy”, published on December 4, 2017, features the heart-touching photos of fellow members of the community, who have experienced bipolar disorder and depression in their life. This book has already gained recognition from the media, and the public. The book became a top-seller on the iTunes store’s “Art & Entertainment” section on its first week early Dec 2017. Guess who’s second? That Harry Potter one! Pere also became a finalist at the “37th Annual Spring Photography Contest” for his works. The contest was organized by “The Photographer’s Forum” and the finalists’ almanac they released included one of the Moodlab photos – “Behind the Grey Wall”. We are very happy and proud of Pere for this achievement! Listen up, this one is significant! This February 2018, 'Syzygy' received the Open 2018 Juror's Choice Award in DarkRoom Gallery (Vermont), where 'Bad Moon Rising' will be exhibited as well. A preview of half of the photos produced Guess which one is “Behind the Grey Wall?!” and which one is “Bad Moon Rising?!” Lastly, Pere also gave several interviews to the media for this successful book release. For example, one of the interviews appeared on the Nora Gouma magazine website – “Interview with visual artist Pere Ibañez, examines the duality of human nature with his new photo-series”. Another one appeared on the USA Art News website – “Artist Pere Ibañez releases new photography series and book ‘Syzygy’”. Nonetheless, our Moodlab project does not stop here. We are continuing to bring you stories and photographs of the project participants each month: “One Model One Story.” For Feb 2018, we present to you our model and friend - Marco Brun del Re. You might know him from our “My Story with Depression” column. Marco, stepped into the studio in the summer of 2016, and stepped out with this gorgeous photo (it’s the first picture of Marco we’ve seen where he’s not smiling)! In this stillness, I see vulnerability, strength, acceptance, and embracement. What do you see? (Leave your answer in the comments) Moreover, we are working on our own book, #B, which will feature selected photos, stories, and educational facts on bipolar disorder. This way we are aiming to shed some light on the lives of affected people and raise awareness in society about this rarely spoken matter. We are still fundraising to make the #B, please scan the codes below to find out more. In Chinese In English Oh, by the way, here are the answers! Behind the Grey Wall Bad Moon Rising