Marco. From the United States, has been living in Beijing for several years. He is working in business development, plays in multiple bands, and is an active supporter of mental health initiatives. He began as a support group attendee and later joined CandleX as a valuable volunteer who does community awareness events. Sharing your feelings with others does open many new opportunities in life. Name: Marco Brun del Re Country of Origin: The United States Time in Beijing: 2008-2017 Occupation: Business Development Safe Space Superficiality is all around us. The world seems to be all about winning. If we post something on social media that alludes to our struggles, we are criticized for being drama kings and queens, seeking for attention. The pull is to show only the good parts of life – but that is a very flat way of looking at the human experience. Life is not just about being happy. There is a full range of emotions and tensions and everything in between. We have no idea what people go through most times. I can only truly know my own experiences, the pitch-dark depression, and the out of breath mania. My smiles could be hiding a deeper agony. It is a huge risk to take to open up, to be honest, to be direct, and yet, this is what is needed. A space to engage with people on a deeper level of understanding, in compassion and in suffering. We could be empathetic and listen, but perhaps another way is to first open up with our experiences. Quickly, we find allies who know what it feels like and people who have been through the suffering and can relate. Sharing my pain was actually less of a focus on myself, but more on constructing a channel for others to express their similar pains. It creates a safe space to communicate without being judged. We are connected and can trust one another to hold each other’s backs. It is simply a place to talk, to connect, to share, and to encourage each other to soldier on. We can be the ones to create this safe space. Once again, we are bringing you another heart-touching story and a photo as part of the “One Model One Story” series on bipolar disorder. By sharing the brave experiences of our community, we will help the people affected by mental health issues become more open about their own feelings and improve the understanding of these, in reality widespread, problems among the society. The fundraiser continues for the photo-album, which will be the most important result of the Moodlab Project. This book will feature all the photos and stories of the models, in addition to key facts about the bipolar disorder. We appreciate any amount of money given. You can donate by scanning the QR code below. English QR Chinese QR Our partner from Bearapy (Founder: Enoch Li) is the magic behind the “One Model One Story” series. She conducted interviews with the models and created a heart-touching narrative from their words and experiences. You can follow Bearapy by scanning the QR code below.

We are receiving more and more articles about depression from the community, I have been touched every time I read a personal story. Most of the stories are told by those who have themselves experienced depression. Today’s story, from Nochy, illustrates the impact that depression can have on people around you, most specifically: your partner. Depression is not just a personal challenge. It places an unavoidable challenge on your most intimate relationship. Some fall apart, while others grow stronger. I very much like Nochy’s story for just how complete this article is, presenting all the typical thoughts that are bound to happen for those that deal with a partner in depression. I am deeply touched by the openness and honesty of her family story. At the same time, in between the lines, there is a lot of tolerance, understanding, support, care and love deeply evident. Read more, and let the beauty of human nature unfold at your fingertips. Everyone has a different situation, and those of us who have the blessing to have someone stand by us while we are depressed, be thankful, be grateful and feel the love for you. Yet, if a depressed person has a hard time, perhaps the partner next to him or her has an even more challenging time. I was lucky to have my boyfriend with me whilst I banged my head on the walls or cried for hours. And maybe for other partners and friends of depressed people out there, this might serve as an encouragement to stick through it till the end. Source: Creative Commons This is an interview with my husband, who took care of me in my depression and sickness, about how he felt during that period and how he coped: Did you know she was depressed at the beginning? How did you react at that time? How did you feel? At the beginning I knew something was wrong, but just thought it was stress or culture shock. At the time I just wanted to find a solution and was happy for Noch to stop going to work etc. I felt frustrated because I couldn’t make her better, and any logic I tried to use when speaking with her seemed to fall on deaf ears. What was your reaction when Noch diagnosed with depression? I think I was relieved, because once diagnosed I felt we could start to treat the illness properly. I didn’t have any problems with her having depression, for me it was just a sickness like having the flu. I even joked with her that all celebrities etc. have depression and need therapy and it is quite trendy to be depressed. What was the effect on your daily life? The effect on my daily life was the biggest impact and was a challenge to deal with. Noch would burst into tears and have severe mood swings that I didn’t know how to deal with. I tried to say the right things, but it hardly ever helped. Then I would get frustrated and sometimes lose my temper and become angry. I’m a positive person and the worst part of all for me was that Noch would bring my mood down. I would get up and be excited about the day, but she just wanted to die, this was very hard for me to reconcile. The migraines and associated physical illnesses also made it difficult for me. Sometimes I would have to leave work or a party and rush home to take care of her. One time I came home and found her semi conscious at the bottom of the staircase. I didn’t know if she had fallen, hit her head or what happened, so I had to carry her to a taxi and get her to the hospital. The other hardest thing for me to do was to put Noch’s needs first. So even if I was at an amazing party having the time of my life, if Noch called and needed me I had to leave immediately without even saying goodbye to my friends. This took a bit of time to get used to without feeling resentful, but once accustomed to it, I felt a sense of responsibility I’d never felt before and it helped me grow up. How did you feel? Overall I just felt frustrated. There really wasn’t anything I said that helped the situation. I just had to be there. When the therapist first said Noch would need a year of treatment I thought that was way too long and must be an exaggeration. In the end, it did take a year. How did you cope? I had hope. Eventually I learnt to manage the situations as best as was possible. So even if we had to rush to the hospital, I may take a few extra minutes at home to pack myself a few books or change into comfortable clothes. This made it easier for me to deal with the long stays in hospital. I learnt to watch for signs that a migraine was coming and take steps to avoid the triggers, and pack medicine and water all of the time. Also I learnt what treatments I could offer her. When she was crying and wanted to die and couldn’t sleep it was useless for me to tell her that everything would be OK and that life was worth living. She just couldn’t see my point. Instead I learnt to distract her with fairy tales and stories I would make up. I would sing her to sleep with nursery rhymes and relax her with massages. Did you want to give up? Why did or didn’t you? When Noch and I were on totally different wavelengths and she was bringing me down and I felt resentful then I wanted to give up. I think I kept on saying to myself, ‘Let’s give it one more month and see how she is” and I managed to get through. I was confident that it was a temporary situation. I had known Noch for 1.5 years prior to the depression and she was such an amazing person, I knew that with time she could get back to that point. I also felt like the depression would make her stronger and act as a catalyst to make her even greater, and so was maybe a necessary evil. We lived together and had just moved countries together and were therefore in a committed relationship. So this helped too as I was committed to taking care of her no matter what. I think if it had been a less serious relationship I may not have been able to stick with it. Source: choosehelp.com What advice would you give to other people whose partners have depression? This is a tough question and it depends on the type of relationship and the stage of the depression. Firstly, you need to seek medical advice and treatment through medication and therapy. Be prepared to be taking medication and therapy for at least a year. We were very lucky in the fact that our insurance covered the medical bills and after trying a few therapists we found a very good one. I advise doing single (for each partner) and couple therapy and don’t settle for a therapist who you are not comfortable with. Dealing with depressed people takes a lot of energy and commitment, you need to be prepared to put that person first and be in it for the long term, i.e. you need to be in love. Love will get you though! If it is not a relationship built on true love and commitment, then I would advise caution in being involved with a depressed person. If you do decide to end a relationship with a depressed person, I would also suggest you seek advice from a professional on how to end or manage the relationship. Obviously a sudden breakup with someone who is depressed could exacerbate the situation and there are risks of suicide etc. This is my tribute to all the partners out there taking care of a depressed other half, without you all, we would have been long gone. It’s even harder for you I must imagine, taking care of someone else, but you too, are not alone in this struggle. Today’s story comes from Nochy, who sees herself as a gigglepot, a perfectionist, a bossy wife, the Bearalist, a fan of Dr Seuss, and an expert in making fish face impressions. Occasionally she works as a play consultant and writes about mental health issues, based in Beijing Originally published on NochNoch.com #depression #mentalhealth #bipolar #China

Today, we are formally launching the column: My story with Depression. Nothing is more powerful than sharing our fears and embracing our vulnerability. By doing this, we start to accept ourselves and heal. This new initiative intends to bring honesty, vulnerability, and acceptance to our community. All members are invited to share their stories of depression. Our first story is from the Founder and Executive Director of CandleX, Xiaojie Qin. “Have you thought about telling your life story here?” a friend from the retreat center, New Life Foundation (NLF), asked me. “My story? I don’t know. I mean, it’s boring, it’s just my life. Nothing too dramatic has happened.” I replied while walking with him after the Monday Life Story night. Secretly, I just wasn’t sure if I was ready speak openly about my struggle with depression. It was 2 weeks after I arrived at the foundation in 2014. I made friends, and I felt that my heart was more open. A few days later, I got a text message. “…She killed herself…” The candles that I lit in the temple next to NFL for her. My mind went completely blank. For a very long time, I was too weak to walk. There were no words that could describe the sensations that I felt or the emotions that I experienced. It was just, surreal. I knew she had clinical depression. I had advised that she should be taken to a rehab center just two days before. Aside from all of the tears that I cried, I just painted. I don’t really paint, but I just painted. Days later, I told the host of Life Story this: “Yeah, I’d like to tell my life story on the last Monday that I am here”. Then I did. My whole life was in front of my eyes, all of the happiness and sorrow, my laughter and struggles, and everything that I was proud of and was afraid to let people know. I laid it all out there in the open. October 2014, in the listening hall reading my notes before I started. Depression formed a large part of the story that I told. Everyone at the foundation thought I was so full of joy, energy and love for life. None expected that I have struggled with mental illness for so long. I finally asked myself the question: “Why hide it?” People die from depression. She died. I almost died from depression a few months ago. I almost died! I should stop shaming myself about this and help others to know that they shouldn’t shame themselves either. I can help other people to know better by telling my story. October 2014, in the listening hall getting ready to do my story. “So what do you want people to know after hearing your story?” I asked myself. The voice was loud and clear. I wanted to let people know that depression can affect any of us, not only the least fortunate. All are susceptible, regardless of intelligence, social status, economic status, relationship status, etc. I know I have a great family, a good job, great friends, and a healthy life style. But, it still happened to me. I knew that there were others who, like me, were suffering silintely. In a way, I guess I was sick of being silent! I also wanted myself to know that, “Uou don’t need to carry all of this on your own. Just put it down.” I wanted to stop faking a smile when I wasn’t happy at all. I wanted to stop pretending to be strong when all I needed was care and support. I hoped that sharing my story would help me to achieve this. So there it is, the 30 minute life story limit was pushed to 60 minutes. I forgot the time and just kept going. The host didn’t stop me. I just rambled on. People came up to me and thanked me for my story. As a ritual, I received hugs, words of encouragement, and made even deeper meaningful connections there. A friend gaving a hug after listening to my story. Now, 1.5 years have passed. CandleX has been running for over one year, and I have been able to share my story with so many more people, and have been honored to hear others’ stories in return. One of those days, walking to the Listening Hall. Looking back, all these changes all started there, on that day when I shared my own story. Now, I am launching the CandleX “My Story with Depression” column because I want to create a platform for you, the same one that NLF created for me, to stare back at the depression you have encountered. This particular CandleX column is a place to ACCEPT yourself the way you are, SHED the weight, EMBRACE your vulnerability, treat yourself with care and COMPASSION. We will be publishing articles from our own CandleX community members about their experiences of depression, mania, and / or anxiety. We invite you to be a part of the light, email your story to: info@candlex.cn You can stay anonymous. When we share, we heal together. #depression #anxiety #bipolar #community

The final story and picture ahead of our #Moodlab Launch this Saturday features Enoch Li, Our partner and story creator throughout the process. We’ll be exhibiting the photos from award-winning photographer Pere Ibañez and stories at Camera Stylo from 6.30pm this Saturday 29 June – scan the QR in the poster to buy a ticket if you haven’t already! Name: Enoch Li Country of Origin: China Occupation: Bearapy Founder Time in Beijing: 2009-Now If we just lay here If I lay here, if I just lay here, will you lie with me and just forget the world? This was the song Timmie and I danced to during our wedding weekend saga. We started slow and then broke into a hip-hop style where I got to show off my Angry Birds shoes. The crowd was impressed, haha. Behind the fun and giggles, however, these lyrics serve to remind us of the challenges we had gone through together. During my worst days, I could not control my sobbing or hatred for the world. It was irrational, I know. My friends told me to get a grip and pull myself up. My parents and seniors told me I was committing a fatal mistake by quitting my job. I felt like the whole world was against me, and I was frustrated at not being able to decipher my problem, or the reasons behind my constant lethargy. One day, I lay on the brown, fuzzy carpet in our living room, arms and legs spread out, desperate and hopeless. My sobs turned into wails, chokes, and howls. Timmie came over to where I was sprawled out. He quietly lay down next to me and held my hand. That was all he did. Eventually my crying died down and I felt soothed by his presence. A few days later, Timmie played me the MTV of this song, Chasing Cars, by Snow Patrol. Holding me on his lap, he stroked my hair and said, “We just forget the world… it will be okay Nochie, it will be okay.” And that was how we were for the years of my depression, the agony and the rut. Timmie was there, simply to lay there with me. No judgments, no advice, no accusations. Just held the space for me to find myself, to face myself, and to love myself. It’s Timmie and I against the world, that we are one, and that it will all be okay. Story by Enoch Li The fundraiser continues for the photo-album, which will be the most important result of the Moodlab Project. This book will feature all the photos and stories of the models, in addition to key facts about bipolar disorder. We appreciate any amount of money given. Read more about it and donate here: Bipolar Art Book Our partner from Bearapy (Founder: Enoch Li) is the magic behind the “One Model One Story” series. She conducted interviews with the models and created a narrative from their words and experiences. You can follow Bearapy by scanning the QR code below. #mentalhealth #Moodlab #depressionstory

To see the original prints from our #Moodlab bipolar disorder series, meet photographer Pere and mingle with Beijing’s mental health community, come to Camera Stylo on Saturday from 6:30 pm for our #Moodlab Launch Party. Scan the code in the poster to buy a ticket – or just turn up! Below you’ll find the latest story and picture from the campaign aiming to raise awareness of bipolar disorder. Name: Katharina Qi Country of Origin: China Occupation: Policy Advisor Time in Beijing: 2010-2016 Our Assumptions from the Outside I thought my ex-boyfriend just could not pull himself together. I remember the first time I went to his place, and it was like I entered a disaster site. He had tried to clean it up but everywhere was dusty and dirty. It was the messiest place I had ever been to. There were leaves in the living room, soil from his shoes on the bed, snacks on the bedsheets. He did not take care of himself and had no concept of time. We would agree to meet at a specific time but after an hour he still had not shown up. I would go to his apartment and he would still be sleeping because he had been out drinking. On the face of it, it just seems like another irresponsible young guy. Now that I had learnt about what depression was, I understand that many of his behaviours were only expressions of his depression. I did not have enough awareness when I was with him, and I did not know what mental health issues could do to people, and it could send emotions out of a spiral and drastically affect behaviours. We broke up because he had drinking problems, and he would become verbally aggressive. Now I know that the drinking problem could have been another dimension of his depression. His mother had bipolar as well, and afterwards he shared with me that she had tried to commit suicide while we were still together. I thought depression was an excuse, just for him to defend himself and an unreasonable reason for his irrational behavior. Now that I have learnt about how depression could be so debilitating, I realize I was not very good at giving support or helping him. I wish I could have listened to him more. I wish I was more aware and supportive. Although I would not be able to cure him, but at least I could have shown more understanding. In the photoshoot, I was trying to imagine how he felt, and how scary it must have been for him as a little boy, when his mum was not stable and had told him that she had bipolar because of the birth of the children. It is more common than we think. Someone always know someone with bipolar. Someone around me could be bipolar. We just do not talk about it. Story by Enoch and Katerina The fundraiser continues for the photo-album, which will be the most important result of the Moodlab Project. This book will feature all the photos and stories of the models, in addition to key facts about bipolar disorder. We appreciate any amount of money given. Read more about it and donate here: Bipolar Art Book Our partner from Bearapy (Founder: Enoch Li) is the magic behind the “One Model One Story” series. She conducted interviews with the models and created a narrative from their words and experiences. You can follow Bearapy by scanning the QR code below. #mentalhealth #Moodlab #depressionstory

If you have been following CandleX updates, then you have seen the beautiful black-and-white photographs of models posing in obscure positions under dramatic lighting. These are from our Moodlab photoshoot. So, who are these models? Why did they participate in the Moodlab photoshoot? In 2016, CandleX launched a collaborative MoodLab project with renowned photographer Pere Ibañez. The current Moodlab campaign, called the “One Model One Story,” serves to remove the tinted-lens with which the public views bipolar disorder. Models from the CandleX community participated in this photoshoot. The models came include people who have bipolar disorder, or who have cared for someone with the disorder, and mental health professionals. Through these photos, we hope to capture rarely exposed perceptions of the bipolar disorder on media; people who are in control, passionate, caring, and thoughtful. Bipolarism is not synonymous with violence. People tend to think that if you are bipolar, then you are a violent person, crazy, strange, or unpredictable. This is certainly not the case. I suffered from a bipolar disorder for years, but I think even during those times that I was more mindful than some people without the disorder. It’s these misunderstandings, and generalizations that create a stigma for people with the bipolar disorder. So, what is true about bipolar disorders? The truth lies in the pictures, and this is the main focus of the "One Model One Story" campaign. The campaign calls for anyone suffering from a bipolar disorder, which could be any daughter, wife, husband, doctor, artist, or student, to help create a space for people to really understand "What is bipolarism?" For some models, it’s a process for months until they are empowered to step into the studio. It’s a process to empower and connect. It’s a process to tell the world: "Hey, we are here, and you don’t need to be afraid!" It’s a process to tell ourselves that no matter how others see you, you are not going to apologize for having bipolar disorder! CandleX, through the Moodlab "One Model One Story" campaign is here to give you that voice. This project has taken 1.5 years and another 1-2 years to complete, but the time together has created a bond among the models because of the interactions we have had, and the passions we shared. There’s certainly more to everyone's story than published in these pictures, but we hope this will be a beautiful beginning. Xiaojie Founder of CandleX The initiator of Moodlab Campaign So each month, we publish one story of a model. It’d be a 12 month+ phase to finish all stories. Thus “One Model One Story”! We are also in the process of making #B book, that has three elements, model’s picture, the story, and a fact on bipolar, 8-12 of those will come together in one book! To know more about this, please click here. We are still fundraising for the book, so please help us to make this wish come true. With the release of Ibañez’s book (Syzygy), an exhibition of the series in Los Angeles starting Dec 2016, and the publication of it on various media platforms, the project has already gained an impressive momentum. Learn about the One Model One Story campaigns in more detail by reading our stories of the models. If you wish to learn more about the overall MoodLab Campaign, please click here. Up coming story on Ugne World Bipolar Disorder Day 30th March CandleX’s Resources Read CandleX psychoeducation articles to learn essential knowledge on depression CandleX Classroom https://www.candlex.cn/classroom Depression stories from our community members CandleX Column | My Story with Depression https://www.candlex.cn/my-story-with-depression A CandleX production on Depression The Tiny Little Box | A Documentary on Depression Bipolar Disorder Campaign MoodLab Book #B Support Group Support Group Sign Ups Support Group: Interview with the Beijinger

Today is the World Mental Health Day 2017 On this day, we are launching ONE MODEL ONE STORY 20 models were in our studio the past 12 months 20 stories they share Here’s our first one It’s special Because he’s the model of this photo Also the photographer of our photoshoot project for all models Name: Pere Ibañez Country of Origin: Spain Time in Beijing: Since 2008 Occupation: Artist WHERE SUN AND MOON MEET Just because you tell me to try to be happy, it does not mean I can be. Though, there is always light, and hope will come at some point. On my low days, I am dysfunctional, but on my high days, I am immensely creative and productive. I do not talk well, so I work with photos and express myself through them. There is the happiness and the sadness, and we are all looking for that balance. Yet, a perfect balance is impossible to achieve for anyone, not just bipolar sufferers. I have known depression and mania for as long as I can remember. I also know close ones who have had such times of despair. Two years ago, I had a bad moment – I could not believe I was going to work in the state that I was, but surprisingly I was more functional than I imagined. There is a way to carry on. Treatment helps. I advised one of my students to find a doctor to help her. We need to find ways to help ourselves. When depressive episodes hit, allow it to hit and embrace it. Feel those emotions, the despair, and the hopelessness. The lows do not stay low forever, and neither do the highs. When I am in the dark, there is a portal of light from somewhere Be patient with the healing process. When leaves whirl in the wind, and all seems confusing, give yourself time. The leaves will settle. When confined in despair, air can seep through somehow. Wind is not always a bad thing. Through the corners of shut windows, cracks allow the wind to blow through, a fresh rejuvenation… and when the air passes through, it takes with it, the sorrow, the tears, and the melancholy. We need to try to be realistic. I remind myself to be realistic, that it will all pass. We stay in the moment and let it be. Hope always comes at some point. Our partner from Bearapy (Founder: Enoch Li) is the magic behind the “One Model One Story” series. She conducted interviews with the models and created heart-touching narratives from their words and experiences. You can follow Bearapy by scanning the QR code below. The long-term initiative of CandleX – Moodlab Bipolar Disorder Awareness Project intends to improve the knowledge about mental health and shed away the prejudices about the sufferers. For the past few months, we have been publishing the photos of our models, who agreed to participate and open up about their experiences. However, the model photoshoots and their results are not the only part of the project. Besides the series of the photos, we also wish to bring more intimacy and personality to the campaign by sharing the stories of our brave participants. Thus, starting from this month (Oct 2017), we are entering the phase of “One Model One Story” series. This way we will help the people affected become more confident about their situation and raise the awareness of such issues in the society. Only by talking openly and loudly about the feelings that many of our friends and family members experience, we will be able to become a supportive society. We begin the “ONE MODEL ONE STORY” series with a photo and story of not only the participant in the Moodlab Project, but one of the key partners – the talented photographer behind all the photos of the project – Pere Ibañez. The title of his photo is “From Dusk to Dawn”. The fundraiser continues for the photo-album, which will be the most important result of the Moodlab Project. This book will features all the photos and stories of the models, in addition to key facts about the bipolar disorder. We appreciate any amount of money given. You can donate by scanning the QR code below. Chinese QR English QR #Moodlab #depression #Beijing

Nha Trang, Vietnam 27th May 2017 Nha Trang, Vietnam It is a special day today. I have lived 3 more years. I’ve had 3 more years to witness the miracle that life is. Winter in Beijing strips everything down. I saw the leaves leaving the tree. The trunks stand alone in the frozen cold winter. It looks dead, But you know life will return when spring comes. I didn't know I would come back. 3 years ago, during my epic depressive episode, My very much alive body was looking at my dead soul, Day after day. Nothing is more of a torture than When life has buried you and leave you with only breath. Turpan, Xinjiang, China 2017 It wasn’t until this day, 3 years ago, That I realized a tiny part of me didn’t want to vanish. That I asked myself this question, The most important question that I’ve ever asked myself: “What if you just try to live with winter? This winter might be a long one. Another 2 or 3 years if you are lucky. Then perhaps, you’ll come out of it, And live a normal life, Where eating, walking, and breathing no longer take unbearable effort.” I looked up into the sky I said, “Let’s see how that goes.” That officially marked the day that I was no longer suicidal. I still didn't want to live, But I was walking back. Unexpectedly, I came out of the depression 3 months later. Suffering = pain + resistance. I read about it in an article. My suffering was alleviated because I accepted my pain And allowed it to be part of my life. Now, it’s been 3 years And I haven’t had a major depressive episode. Art from Beijing Art Exhibition 2017 For 5 years, I have been practicing mindfulness. It’s still sometimes a struggle to get myself onto the mat But I know to my deepest core That I will need a tank of trust When winter hits. When the wind blows and air freezes I will need to draw from my tank of trust and believe That there will be spring, That the green will come back. So there it is, Days and days of meditation and yoga. No matter how busy I get, I always have this on my calendar, Blocking my time, This is the time for me to calm down. Meditation Retreat with World Peace Initiative, Thailand 2016 In Thailand, during my meditation retreat, My shifu (Luang Phi John) says, “Your mind is like a bottle of water, Everything you think and do Is the ink that you drop in your water. Meditation is the down-time For you to let the water sit Only when you let the ink settle Can you see your thoughts and actions.” Art from Beijing Art Exhibition 2017 We are all busy in this modern day, Some are busy making money, Some are busy with family responsibilities, Some are busy with anything that distracts them with facing just them. For some people, a life has passed without realizing what they’ve done or why they’ve done it. We are busy with everything but filling our tank of trust, That trust in ourselves, Trust in the gifts we are given. At Beijing Art Exhibition 2017 I’ve come to the belief that My life is just a continuation of our ancestors’ lives. We are born without needing to learn how to Get our hearts to pump, Our lungs to breathe. There’s millions of years of life imprinted in our genes. The day we are born We already know how to do it. All of this knowledge comes from our ancestors’ hardships and endurance. Lijiang, Yunnan, China2016 We also inherit their way to happiness. They relied on each other for survival Each person knew the importance of the other Each person counted on another for food and shelter Each person did something for others in the community. Maybe it was a simpler time back then, They made a contribution to keep everyone in the community alive. In return, As part of the community, you stay alive, Happiness is all about survival. Moreover, our ancestors have worked hard towards their vision of a perfect life. Their children have shelters safe from the wild animals, and heat. In fact, we invented air conditioners that make our rooms so cold that you need an extra layer. Their children have food, not just for lunch, but also for breakfast and dinner. In fact, we have made food so delicate and diverse that you are now so picky. Their children have something to magically cure diseases that can take away life by the age of 30. In fact, we now even go out of our way to make a 40 year-old face look 25! And there are now cars, cellphones, and airplanes. It’s beyond their wildest imagination. 3.3 Building Sanlitun 2017 When humans first existed Can you imagine them asking “What’s my purpose in life?” They were born into a world where their contribution was essential: Do something bigger than yourself Was not a mystery to happiness But a way right under your feet. However, now, Many of us are born into a world Where food and shelter is provided. We are never exposed to the environment for our way to be shown. So many of us have to find it, So we ask: “What’s my purpose in life?” Instead of only looking within myself I look back at the history line of millions of years. My sense of self and purpose is imprinted in my genes. Only through bringing more to the community Can we be in touch with the soul. I think “soul” is a carrier. When we align our efforts with the millions of years of collective wisdom Our soul is found. Soul carries the momentum of a history of millions of years. Like in dancing, Instead of creating a step, The beautiful dancers simply follow the momentum. It should be effortless and natural, It should be you! Bangkok, Thailand 2017 All of us are working towards a vision for our children. When we create that world - What do you want to tell your children? “Be present! Appreciate and embrace what we’ve created for you!” Out of the respect for the struggle they’ve gone through to get us here! And as a child of my ancestors, I obey. Turpan, Xinjiang, China 2017 Bonus from Oprah (Chopra21 Day Meditation on “Activating the Hope Inside You” ) “let life carry you, don’t try to carry it” “life is the dancer, and you are the dance” EVENTS In order to heal, and build resilience, we strongly encourage to attend other CandleX events CandleX Rooftop yoga Travel to Grow- National Holiday to Thailand CANDLEX"S RESOURCES CandleX Classroom Depression stories from our community members CandleX Column | My Story with Depression A CandleX’s production on Depression The Tiny Little Box | A Documentary on Depression #Beijing #mentalhealth #china #depression

It was back in 2014. I met her at a dance event in Korea. Nobody there knew that my life had almost ended 4 days before the event. I certainly didn’t know that hers was going to end 6 months after the event. We both had depression. I made it through. She didn’t. I invited Sam to write this story because she shall not be forgotten, because we could have done better, and because there are still lives hanging on a thread that can be saved. It’s been 2 years. But it never felt too far. Candlex really grew out of the crack between life and death. This is one of the stories that lit CandleX. Reading, editing and talking about this story with my friend, the author Sam, has brought back so much emotion that had already settled. There have been many times in life that I have wondered if I will be forgotten when I am gone. You must have wondered the same. “Rest in Peace, Amy. You are never forgotten“ –Xiaojie Author | Sam Editor | Xiaojie I stepped into the apartment. There she was, pale and still, lying on the bed. I was in such shock that I could feel my head start to spin and my body becoming disoriented. I had to breathe consciously and focus on what needed to be done as rationally as possible. The hours that followed seemed such a blur. I just remember slowly the police coming, the media arriving with cameras, friends supporting me, and then it was declared: Amy was dead. Amy (I changed her name for privacy reasons) was around the age of 30, with a talent for art and design, she made her living through freelance graphic design projects. She was a quiet and timid girl, but also had a good sense of humor and a smile on her face. We met each other through a dance community and I noticed she had a sparkle in her eye whenever we danced together. I have been part of a dance community for many years, and through this, have had the pleasure of meeting people from a variety of backgrounds, cultures and professions. Amy was a lovely person and didn’t seem to have any more troubles in her life than anyone else. We enjoyed dancing together at social events, and would have the occasional conversation, before one of us was asked to dance for the next song. She was pleasant, kind and gentle and I grew fond of her as time passed, even though we never became friends outside of the social dance events. Every now and then during a social I would notice Amy sitting in the corner, alone, looking a little down. Sometimes I would ask her for a dance and this would bring a brief smile to her face before she returned to her slumped position in the corner. Other times it was worse and she would have tears in her eyes and people crowded around her, but in contrast to this at other times she was full of life and energy. Initially I judged her as a person to be emotionally unstable, and as my own personal experiences with people in the same condition didn’t end positively, I decided to keep my distance. With this prejudgement in mind I noticed other signals, like emotional outbursts via Facebook statuses where she pleaded people for help and I simply labeled this as attention-seeking behaviour. One evening at a dance social, Amy was in another slump and so I asked her what the problem was. To my surprise she opened up and told me some of her troubles. It was then that I realised that maybe this wasn’t attention seeking and there was possibly something more going on. However, I wasn’t sure and I was still defensive and skeptical. But when she said she had suicidal thoughts and that she had already attempted to commit suicide, alarm bells rang in my head. However, she was clearly ashamed of herself and distraught about what had happened to her and she begged that I didn’t tell anyone else. My empathetic and compassionate nature kicked in and I gave her my word. A week later she rang me unexpectedly and was crying on the phone, saying she didn’t know whom to turn to and she divulged her thoughts and said how scared she was. I calmed her down and gave her some general advice, but more importantly I thought she should seek a professional therapist. I gave her the contact details of a therapist I knew and offered my support suggesting we meet for coffee. Numerous times she cancelled at the last minute saying she was too weak to get out of bed, or that she couldn’t face anyone. I said it wasn’t a problem, but when I pressed her about contacting the therapist she replied that she hadn’t yet. Weeks passed and I heard nothing from Amy, but one night I got a call from her boyfriend Luke (name is changed for privacy reason), saying he’d received a video from Amy. The video contained her last words and that she was going to kill herself. He wasn’t in the country at the time and so I rushed to her apartment. Luke gave me the code to enter, and I stepped into the apartment… For some time afterwards I couldn’t sleep as the image of her appeared in my mind every time I closed my eyes. I lost my appetite, I couldn’t perform in my profession and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it for some time afterwards. That night is something I will never forget, but the most profound thought that stayed with me afterwards was that I wished I had done more for her. I can never bring Amy back, however I can tell you my story in hope it provides support in some way. I am fully aware that everyone with depression has a varying intensity of symptoms, and Amy reached breaking point with the monsters (as she described them) that were in her head. In her last words she apologised that she never went to the therapist and maybe if she had the strength to do so things may have been different. When I heard that sentence it struck a chord with me… why didn’t I take her to the therapist myself? Maybe if I had and had not kept my distance she would be alive today! I will never be able to predict what would have happened in such a hypothetical situation, but I hope that my story can encourage others in such positions to act rather than not. It still may not make a difference, and to a certain extent the outcome is not the responsibility of objective bystanders, but of the individual with the condition. However, trying to help in any way possible may be a catalyst towards positive change for those who suffer. Every now and then, I think about Amy. Not that I knew her well, but we were both on that fine line between life and death. Sometimes I take a moment to notice these ordinary things: the rays of sunshine, my desk at work, the smile on my friends’ faces, and my mom and dad’s voices on the other side of the phone… I was ready to let go of all of this for peace of mind. Now I appreciate each day that I am connected to this crazy wild world. Each day is a gift. Being here now, I wish I could tell her that there is an end even, I know you can’t feel it. Now for the rest of us, this is more than a story. This is a lesson! This is an alarm for us to know the symptons of depression (go to our depression symptoms lesson for the full list), to know how we can support friends with depression, to understand the red flags and step in. Stay with them, save a life. -Xiaojie #depression #beijing #bipolar #China

Today on December 14th, 2017 We released our eighth photobook in Los Angeles As part of our MoodLab project aimed to raise awareness for bipolar disorder. Some depression patients display symptoms that are considered risks factors for progression to bipolar disorder. According to Dr. Vladimir Maletic’s newest research findings, these people should warrant special clinical attention. I pay special attention to this Because in my peer support group Some participants with bipolar disorder have gone through that progression Most were unaware of it until diagnosis Awareness is the foundation for prevention I’d like to recount a story that we published in 2016. A story about the models, Enoch and Tim, who were invited to our studio for this photography campaign. Behind their beautiful photograph is a story of how Tim supported Enoch through times of struggle. Enoch is the founder and director of Berapy, our partner for the One Model One Story initiative. I’d like to invite you to read it with a cup of hot tea With the comfort in your sofa Here it goes A refuge of support A place to rest our minds A space to let our tears flow Just lay here with me A story of love Xiaojie Dec 2017 About the Models Name: Enoch Li Name : Timothy Coghlan Country of Origin: Hong Kong, China Country of Origin: Australia Time in Beijing: Since 2009 Time in Beijing: 2001 for a while, since 2009 Occupation: Play Consultant, Bearapy Occupation: Consultant A story of husband and wife Partner in this Whole Ideal Make a Donation to Bipolar Art Book #Beijing #depression #bipolar

Today's story comes from Nochy, who sees herself as a giggle pot, a perfectionist, a bossy wife, the Bearalist, a fan of Dr Seuss, and an expert in making fish face impressions. Occasionally she works as a play consultant and writes about mental health issues, based in Beijing A simple search on the Internet gives you a list of symptoms as loss of motivation, loss of appetite, lethargy, suicide ideations etc… But these as a matter of fact theories do not do sufferers of depression any justice as to the hell they go through. Other sufferers probably describe it differently. Some say the “dark dog", some say the "bottomless pit of hell." For me, it was "snow"... In the worst days, I felt trapped under 50 feet of snow after an avalanche. I could not breathe, I was squished, I could not move, I didn’t know what was going on, and I couldn’t push out or up however hard I tried. I could however, see people watching me trapped, telling me not to panic, that help is on the way. They tried to distract me from focusing on my immediate situation. They tried to tell me that I would get out soon. They tried to tell me there were others in more destitute circumstances than me. No use. I was trapped. I felt I was trapped. I felt there was no way out as the once beautiful snowflakes on my eyelashes solidified into boulders around me, against me. It became all dark, blindingly dark with the luminosity of the snow reflecting the sun. It stung my eyes. Whatever anyone told me, my reality to myself was that I was trapped, and that there was no way out. Source: By Dai Cameron & Noch Noch in “Pull Yourself Together” I was freezing, and it was excruciating. I was drenched in somber darkness, or is it brightness, and it just kept getting darker and deeper and darker and deeper and suddenly brighter and even more confusing. I couldn’t understand why I was stuck and why I couldn’t get out. I see the avalanche snowballing but there is no energy in my bones to run away. I couldn't lift a finger. I hated myself for tumbling down and getting stuck. So the most appropriate thing to do then, in that trapped logic, was to die instead of going through the torture of confinement. This is how it felt for me. Perhaps this is the reason why I developed some claustrophobic tendencies and do not enjoy small places, or large venues with crowds and little personal space. Crushed under, nowhere to go. One can’t simply snap out from under 50 feet of snow. It is no joke. In a destitute form like this, only we can lift ourselves up, and out. Source: By Dai Cameron & Noch Noch in “Pull Yourself Together” Today yes, today I still feel like this sometimes, mulling over why I even bother to write. What's the point of it all? But at least, I now know it's possible to get out of this snow box bit by bit, and manage the pain and ache I have inside. It can be done. (Originally publishedon NochNoch.com) If you'd like to share your stories and experience with depression, mania and/or severe anxiety or stress, please contact us at: info@candlex.org

This article is from CandleX column: My Story with Depression. This column is dedicated to raising awareness about depression and bipolar disorder through sharing personal stories, experiences, perspectives and reflections. All articles are written by CandleX community members. This one is written by Noch Noch Li. To me, depression is like a lock down! It’s when my body and mind protest in a most violent manner. When you are in that state, there’s nothing to appreciate, nothing to look forward to, until…. you get to the end of that tunnel, and start to analyze what happened. Here’s my own reflection: We all are taught from a young age to speak in a certain way, to act in a certain way, or even to like or dislike specific things. The voice of our inner being is repressed as we grow older, and we slowly get lost in the society that has expectations of us. Depression is the last call for awakening, in a very powerful and violent way. It tells me to respect my feelings over the rules, and it tells me to listen to my desires, and not to merely control them. Thank you, depression. Depression changed my life – for the better. This was unexpected. My physical pains and emotional agony were my wakeup call from a life I did not choose to live. It was my heart’s way of vying for attention, because I had ignored the small voice inside of me for so long. The endeavour to be what others wanted me to be, to chisel into perfection the image society would laud and honour, over exerted my soul, body, and mind. I had had enough. But I was stubborn and did not take a break. So mini-me decided to stomp on the emergency breaks as protest. I collapsed like an air statue suddenly devoid of helium. Had it not been for depression, I might still be running on a treadmill aimlessly, going nowhere, and doing something I did not love, even though I was good at it. I could have experienced a more severe breakdown. Every time I think of those inexplicable, dark, murky days in which I could not control my thoughts, emotions or behaviour, consumed by lassitude and anguish, my heart muscle winces. It is not an experience I wish to go through again or wish on anyone. Source: Rekki Miyamoto Yet, self-tortuous as I am, I do sometimes think I should relive those days. If I had known about depression, and the metamorphosis I would undergo, I would have let myself embrace the destitute hopelessness to a fuller extent to reap the lessons more patiently. Instead, I was in a hurry to get out of the state. I was frustrated at having to take anti-depressants every day. I was angry with myself for not being able to “pull myself together” when everyone told me to. I did not understand what I was going through. However, when I was livid, distressed, in grief, in despair, in manic tears, in a tantrum, or simply rotting on my couch, I was also at my most expressive. Words tumbled out in my mind, thoughts penetrated through the subconscious, and suppressed emotions blossomed. I wish I had written more of that down instead of swearing at my journal. I re-read one of the entries and all it said was “F**k this and f**k that and f**k life”. But there is no going back, and I do not regret how I faced this dark monster. Indeed, I have qualms with painting such a bleak picture of depression. For a long time, I placed it across the enemy lines and made depression an opponent – something I had to win over, had to be stronger than, and more powerful than. I tried to control depression. I tried to defeat it. However, that was exactly why depression consumed me. The more I fought, the more it entangled. The day I noticed the glimpse of aura (unlike the aura I saw at the onset of an excruciating migraine) beyond depression, the dark force shattered, fragment by fragment. Depression is not a foe; depression is a friend. As Buddha would say: pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice. Depression is an angel, to bring a message, but in a way we do not expect and so we cast it out. We define it as negative because our learned conditional responses equate any pain or despair as negative. We hide under the comfort zone to commiserate with other victims of this illness. We judge it with preconceptions before it has had a chance to be heard. If I could, I would go through the same pain again. Only this time, I would not classify the pain as something to get rid of, nor would it be a treacherous shark. It was only by my own decision that I let the pain devour me. I would embrace the messages the pain wanted to deliver. I would listen to my body and my soul. I would look for the root causes of the situation instead of trying to get rid of the painful symptoms. The pain is neutral; my suffering and my verdict that depression was an enemy, was subjective. Source: Genius.com Once I opened up to it, listened to it, embraced it, depression became less threatening. Depression built my character, it reinforced self-awareness, it taught me to express my emotions, it brought me back writing, to cooking, and introduced me to Bearapy. Take your time. Let depression be a guiding light to a better understanding of your emotions, thoughts and behaviours. Let it build you, prepare you, train you to become greater than you dare imagine. You will get better. You will be better. And so again, thank you sickness, thank you depression. (Originally published on NochNoch.com) Today’s story comes from Nochy, who sees herself as a gigglepot, a perfectionist, a bossy wife, the Bearalist, a fan of Dr Seuss, and an expert in making fish face impressions. Occasionally she works as a play consultant and writes about mental health issues, based in Beijing If you’d like to share your stories and experience with depression, mania and/or severe anxiety or stress, please contact us at: infor@candlex.cn #depression #beijing #mentalhealth #China