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Never Tony, a good friend of mine, showed me a video of him in this gym class he was going to, some kind of foreign fighting thing. All I could see was that he was getting “beaten up” in many different ways. He decided to demonstrate and trapped my head and shoulder between his legs. It was not funny to me! I had two takeaways that day. That whatever thing he was doing was: brutally dangerous, and inappropriately intimate. I said to myself: I’ll NEVER do that! Years went by, and that strange fighting thing didn’t cross my mind for even a second. （GIF from Xiaojie 图片来自小杰） Until one day I went to a gathering my friend hosted. I met Andres there for the first time, and then my old friend (tall pale Max) showed up as well. In our conversation it turned out both they and another friend of mine somehow all went to this thing called Brazilian gibberish. Never quite caught the name that night. I thought to myself: ‘They are all pretty cool people and if they’re into the same thing, I should probably check it out! Plus, I might be having a crush on Andres.’ I became friends with Andres, and at some point, I asked him to take me there. Andres had a business trip coming up and I didn’t want to wait a week until he came back. Tall pale Tom was going that Monday night, and he said he could bring me to a trial class. That was a cool class! I had no idea what I was doing, but I absolutely loved it. I wanted to “fight” after class. Charlie, who was teaching that night, said the most important thing for me is to go back home in one piece and come back to fight another time. I knew I loved it right then and there on that mat that regular Monday night. I believe this is what people mean when they say: “Love at first sight”. ‘Wait, I think that might be the weird martial art thing Tony showed me a long time ago…’ （图片来自柔友, Photo by BJJ friends） Love Transcends I’ve always believed that love is easy. I am not denying the work that comes with it; the easy part is choosing to do the hard work! I took Charlie’s advice and came back as a member only two days later, despite the fact that I had no answers to my concerns. I didn’t know how I could re-arrange my time, the gym is kind of “far” from where I live, and I was scared of possibly injuring myself – which are all important factors in my decision making! Some decisions are just so easy to make. I have a slight “injury phobia” tendency. It started when I injured my lower back pretty bad in 2005 and couldn’t bear any weight for a few years and had to live with a 5-year-long chronic pain, day and night. If after countless treatments, one day, you had to get out of a car at the end of a road, walk through the mud to a village “doctor” in the middle of nowhere, pay hundreds for a few bags of mud to put on your lower back and not shower for days because you were so desperate, you could possibly develop traumatophobia as well. Somehow, with Brazilian JiuJistu (BJJ), I stood up to my phobia and struck a deal: “deal with it as they come!” I also believe that if you love something, you would choose it no matter how busy you are. Love directs! Love also travels. I have to travel from Sanlitun to Dongdaqiao almost every day! It’s okay! (If you know me, you’d know I arranged my life to work, play and sleep on my watch, for efficiency and commuting stress management. So these daily commutes are kind of a big deal.) (Image from Xiaojie 图片来自小杰) Why？ Andres asked me one day: “Why do you love it?” I probably said something along the line of “I love the fact that BJJ uses momentum, finds the path of least resistance and takes an energy saving approach to fighting. This is the same approach that I try to take towards life. It had to do with how cool BJJ moves look, and most importantly, how much respect I hold for the people that I met and train with. They are super cool, blah, blah, blah!” My mind was trying to interpret the feelings I’d experienced. Does my brain always know what my heart desires? Not always. It tries to work backwards and find out why, but that’s unnecessary. I love BJJ because when I am on the mat, I am nowhere else. When I am on the mat, voices of worry in life disappear and even the grand wishes for my future do not exist. I am in the state of “BEING!” I feel at peace with myself and the world that I live in. (picture from Xiaojie 图片来自小杰) Rolling So, it’s called Brazilian jiujitsu (BJJ). It took me a week or two to pronounce it accurately. Imagine that I told people I train Brazilian Jijisu/jujiusu/jiujiuzu over dinners for half a month! I love the social jiujitsu part, where people just fight each other on the mat after class. “What do you mean, social BJJ?”, a fellow BJJ club-member asked me when I mentioned it. “Oh, you know, the part where you partner up socially after a class. Like on lindy hop nights, there’s usually a dance class. People stay and dance socially afterwards. We call it social dance. So, I guess social BJJ”, I answered. “Oh, you mean rolling, or sparring!” That’s the term used for BJJ. “Rolling”, I replied, ‘yeah, I am feeling it’. (picture from Xiaojie 图片来自小杰) One World, One BJJ I became a BJJ person! Boy, do I bring BJJ everywhere I go! Very soon, I brought my lindy hop friends there, people that I work with, my yoga friends, and occasionally some people I randomly meet in a bar or at a potluck night! BJJ became something I talked about, a lot. When I travel, I always do some research on local BJJ clubs and go check them out. It’s always fun to learn and roll with people from other places, and socialize with them. I was in L.A. around Halloween in 2019 and joined a training session there with spider webs on the wall! I partnered with Jessica, a purple belt. Never saw a lady purple belt ever in my life (that’s 1.5 months into my BJJ life;)! She was so nice to me and I felt at home there. I do hope to see her in Beijing at my gym some time! For my most recent trip, I was in Mianyang (Sichuan) and Chongqing. I was so happy to see that my hometown offers BJJ classes. Since it’s a much smaller place than Beijing, one place was coached by a blue belt. Another place, interestingly, was coached by a – wait for it – orange belt! W*F! I would surely tell you that story on a comedy open mic night some time! I had a great time in Chongqing, and was very impressed by how many clubs there are, how good the classes were, and how good people were with BJJ. I very much enjoyed that one class done in Sichuan dialect! I chatted with the owner afterwards and he knew so much about BJJ and Beijing-based big shots! He started his BJJ journey in Beijing, and brought it back home in 2015, if I remember correctly. How wonderful it was to see how everything was connected and blooming. My trips also brought me a great deal of appreciation for my gym, and I feel incredibly lucky to be trained by our amazing coaches, and roll with people who hold up the BJJ spirit and are also so multi-talented. This is where I just want to sing: one world, one BJJ! The Commitment Few years ago, I was on a date with a guy that I matched with online. He’s a black belt of some kind of martial art. I do remember that he said he’s a black belt, and told me something about it. I remember he paused at the end of the story to kind of wait for my reaction. However, I didn’t know anything about martial art at all, and wasn’t even interested. All I could say, in all honesty, was: “……hmm, okay.” Now, after a few years, if you happen to be reading this, I wish I had said: “Oh wow, so what are you doing this weekend?!” That’s so many years of hard work, dedication, passion and persistence. That is something I am drawn to! Sometimes I hear myself using the word “committed” when describing my relationship with BJJ. I had to auto-correct myself. It’s not a “commitment”. I do not plan to spend the rest of my life with it like it’s something that I have to add to my calendar, but I do feel like I will spend the rest of my life with it. It’s like the heart that beats in my chest. It’s absurd to “commit” to it, it’s a part of me, and an expression of my “self”. I cannot find the right word for it, but when I do, I’ll write again. For now, I’m gonna get ready for tonight’s BJJ class. Compass Life gets busy sometimes, in a way that life was living me instead. Too many times, I was in places where I was struggling to find time for things or people that I recharge me. Not even long ago, there was a month that I stopping going to BJJ class, partly because of injuries, and partly because some elements of life became dominating and threw me off balance. I kinda saw that coming though when I bit off more than I could chew. That’s a pattern that I had, and it’s really hard for me not to do that. Luckily, last year, when I realized I could not make it BJJ classes for a few weeks, I knew that I need to change things. I have been seeing a therapist, which also helped me to re-center myself. That was a close call for burnout. Now looking back, I am glad I could see the momentum of my motions, and how many times I could go to BJJ class became a compass for me. Isn’t that what BJJ is about? Strong base and do get thrown off balance! (all names were replaced by made up names for privacy reasons, except Jessica) 绝不 有一天，我的一个好朋友，稻，给我看了他“健身”课的视频：一个异域风情的格斗术。我除了看到他各种被“绞杀”以外没发现别的。当时，他防不胜防的给我演示一番，突然用双腿别住了我的头和肩膀。一点也不好笑！ 那天，我对这个莫名的格斗术有两个体会： 野蛮级别的危险，还有 也太过分亲密了吧。 我心想，我绝对不会去学这个鬼东西呢！ 几年过去了，那奇怪的格斗术我都不曾在我脑海中闪现过。 （Photo from the internet 图片来自网络） 直到一天 我去朋友举办的一个小聚会。我是在那儿第一次认识了Andres，我的老朋友（高大而惨白的Max）也来了。聊天中我发现他们两个还有另一个朋友都去过一个叫巴西什么的课，我也没听明白他们说的这个课程是什么。但顿时我产生了好奇，我自己琢磨着：“他们几个都挺酷的，如果他们对这个巴西什么东西这么着迷，我也得去看看这到底是个什么。”好吧，我也承认，当时我确认对Andres有些好感。 后来我和Andres成了朋友，有次聊天时我就让他带我去看看那个巴西的格斗术。Andres正好要出差，我又不想花一个星期等他回来。 Max刚巧周一当天晚上就去，他说他可以带我去上一节体验课。 体验课酷毙了！ 我根本不知道我在干嘛，但是我如痴如醉。下课以后我特想“打架”。那节课的老师Charlie跟我说，我当下最重要的事情就是完整的回去，好好休息，欢迎下次来上课再战。 我那会儿就知道，在这个平凡的星期一夜晚，普普通通的训练垫子上，我真的爱上这个武术了。我想这大概就是“一见钟情”吧。 “等下，这怕不就是多年前，岛给我演示的那个奇怪格斗术…” （GIF from Xiaojie 图片来自小杰） 爱，所以“以身相许” 我一直认为爱会让很多事情变得容易。不是否认爱是需要经营的；而是说爱可以让我们欣然地接受拼搏和努力的“苦”！我接受了Charlie的建议，两天后就成为了这个格斗馆的会员。 其实，做决定的那一刻，还有很多我并没考虑清楚的事情。我并不知道怎么重新安排时间，格斗馆离我家有点儿“远”，我也害怕运动受伤——通常情况下，我做决定时一定要先找到这些问题的答案，而对于开始上柔术课的事情上，没有答案并没有阻止我的决定。 我稍稍有点儿受伤恐惧症的倾向。是2005年有一次我后背底部受重伤导致的，几年我都没办法背重物，而且忍受了长达五年日日夜夜的慢性疼痛。如果在无数次反复治疗后，有一天，你还得开车到一条路的尽头，下车，穿过一片泥泊，在荒无人烟的地方寻找一个乡村“医生”，花好几百块买几袋子泥巴放在后背底部，忍受好几天不能洗澡的折磨，你估计也会得上创伤恐惧症。 所以，投入到柔术中，也能说得上是“以身相许”了！ 可是对巴西柔术，我突然莫名其妙鼓起了勇气面对我的恐惧症，而且下定决心：“要直面恐惧，逆流而上！”我也深信如果我们真的对一件事感兴趣，不管多忙都能抽出时间来做。随心而动！我差不多每天都得在三里屯和东大桥之间穿梭，但是没问题！（如果你认识我，你就知道我无论工作，疯玩，还是睡觉都是盯着手表的，效率至上，绝对不能浪费时间。所以这些日常来回交通对我还算个挺大的妥协。） (picture from Xiaojie 图片来自小杰) 为什么？ Andres有一天问我：“你为什么这么喜欢巴西柔术？” 我说：“我很欣赏巴西柔术的巧妙，专研的借力，用智慧的方法格斗。这刚好是我的人生态度。而且，巴西柔术在训练和实战的时候，那些动作好炫酷哦。我也真的很尊重和欣赏咱们馆里的这群小伙伴，大家都很有才、超酷的……。”完了还讲了一堆其他我都不记得的原因！当我们去分析的时候，是我们用“大脑”去描述“心”。但，我们的头脑真的可以丝毫不差的呈现我们的“心”吗？其实，我也说不清楚我为什么就爱上了巴西柔术，我只知道： 当我光脚踩在柔术地垫上时，我便“心无旁骛”。 这是一种“只可意会，不可言传”的感受。 只要在垫子上，生活中哪怕是一直死缠烂打的那些烦心事也都消失得无影无踪，甚至对未来宏大辉煌的白日梦都变的没有意义了。我真真正正地活在了“当下”，那一刻的自己和世界是那么的平和。 (picture from Xiaojie 图片来自小杰) 实战 如你们所知，巴西柔术的名字是Brazilian jiujitsu (BJJ)。我两个星期才弄明白到底是怎么发音的。原来半个月以来，跟朋友聚会时，说到柔术的名字的时候，我都是自我发挥的：什么Brazilian Jijisu/jujiusu/jiujiuzu… 我真的喜欢社交柔术，大家课后就在训练垫上打来打去的。 “什么叫社交柔术？”一个俱乐部成员听我说到这个名词的时候很是迷惑的问。 “啊，你懂的，就是课后大家自由配对，互相打斗那部分，就好像我们摇摆舞之夜一样，一般只有一节舞蹈课。但是课后大家都留下来继续跳舞和社交。那个环节我们就叫社交舞蹈。根据这个逻辑，我觉得课后打斗就得叫‘社交打斗’。” “你是说“实战”啊！”巴西柔术里是这么叫的。 (picture from Xiaojie 图片来自小杰) 跟随巴西柔术去旅行 说来怕你不信，自打开始柔术后，我走到哪我都情不自禁的跟别人说起巴西柔术！很快，周围跳摇摆舞的朋友，同事，做瑜伽的朋友，甚至在酒吧或者是派对聚餐时认识的新朋友，都被我带过来试水了！我很明白，我的热情真的可能让人觉得我是一个柔术“托儿”，最多一次带了四个朋友过来。 旅游的时候，我也开始去当地的柔术馆打卡。能够在别的馆体验柔术，跟世界各处的人摸爬滚打，聊天，是件挺有意思的事儿。2019年，我去洛杉矶的时候，刚好是当地的万圣节。我打卡了当地的一个格斗馆，墙上都是装饰的蜘蛛网，挺有意思的！那次课，我和一个叫Jessica的女生搭配，她是紫带。当时(一个半月的巴西柔术生涯)，我那一辈子里还没见过一个系着紫带的女性，额，其实到现在都没见过耶！她人特别好，很友好的欢迎我这个小白来馆里串门，对我特别耐心，给我很多指导。我很有一天能在咱们北京馆里再跟她揉，希望那个时候我不在是个小白了。 最近一次旅行，我去了四川绵阳和重庆。回到家乡以后，还能找到巴西柔术课真的让我喜出望外。绵阳是个四线城市了吧 （但是我们独一无二的特色“米粉”），我只找到两个馆有柔术课，一个馆是个真正的格斗馆，老师是蓝带，我在他的课上学会了很多新招数。让我惊吓到爆笑的是另一个馆，一周只有一节柔术课，场地和设备都还不错，教练就绝了，那个缎带——怕是你猜也猜不到——是“橙带”！什么鬼！那趟课就更可怕了，老师各种开天辟地的“自由发挥”，我觉得这个笑料包可以拿到喜剧现场去抖抖了！家乡市中心就这么一个地方有柔术课，我也很担心这样“柔术”教学会不会让来体验的新人这一辈子都不想接触柔术了，我给他们的客服反应了我的课程体验，完全都不理我的，我也是醉了。 我在重庆玩儿得很尽兴，而且重庆俱乐部数量，课程质量，人的热情好客都让我叹为观止。而且，我终于上了一节四川话的柔术课，太巴适了！我后来和这家格斗馆的老板聊了聊，才知道他对巴西柔术了解很深，对驻扎北京的柔术大家也十分了解！他给我讲了自己的巴西柔术之旅，又是怎么在2015年（如果我没记错的话）将巴西柔术带回重庆老家的，能看到这一切都是紧密相连，生机勃勃的真的让人欣喜又欣慰。那天，我还看见他给自己两个学前年纪的孩子上私教课，代代相传的画面记忆尤深。 在老家的柔术打卡一行，也让我更加珍惜京城咱们格斗馆和柔术课，我有机会受训于如此优秀的教练们，和这么多才华横溢且热爱巴西柔术的人一起上课实战。我觉得自己十分幸运。 巴西柔术，把世界无缝链接起来了。 承诺 几年以前，我和一个约会软件上的男士去吃晚餐。他说他是一个什么格斗术的黑带，然后讲了一些关于他在格斗方面的经验和成就。他讲完以后停顿了一下，似乎是想看看我有什么反应。可是我那时对格斗毫无概念，也丝毫不感兴趣。 一向秉持诚实的精神的我，能很尴尬的说了句“噢噢。” 现在，几年以后，如果你正好在读这篇文章，我可以如下替换掉当年的回答吗？“哇真的吗，那你这周末有什么计划吗？！”一条黑带，传达的是十年如一日的激情与执着，刻苦，专心地训练，这些精神真的让我很着迷！ 有时候我听自己用“承诺”这样的词来描述我和巴西柔术之间的关系。 我得“自动纠正”下我自己。不是“承诺”， 如果用“承诺”去描述心脏在胸腔中的跳动，听着会很奇怪吧。我不打算把巴西柔术像是工作会议一样都加到我的日程表里。柔术像是我的生命发动机的一部分，它是“我”的一种表达方式。 指南针 有时候生活变得很忙，忙的呼吸都不自由了。以前，我经常找不到时间去做给自己充电的事情、或者给自己身边亲的人留出足够的时间。其实，就在前不久，有一个月，我也忙到一节柔术课都没上了，一半是因为受伤了，一半真是忙的不可开交。不过这个真得赖我自己，干了件吃不了兜着走的事情，总是告诉自己忙点可以应付。这不是我第一次这样了，我经常给自己找事，非得把自己忙到不可开交才罢休，我知道这样不好，但似乎又重蹈覆辙。还好，这次我把几周没能去上柔术课的事情当成了预警，再加上我正看着心理咨询，刚好帮我梳理了头绪，经过不小的努力，把生活重新安排了下，终于避免了精力”弹尽粮绝”的下场。 如果我们生活中都没有时间做给自己充电的事情，毕竟会被生活消耗掉的。柔术这个指南针可在这次真的救了我一命啊。这不就是柔术的格斗要点吗？扎实的根基，别让别人把你扫番了！ （出于隐私原因，文中除Jessica外，所有人名均为化名） CandleX’s Resources Are you or a friend in a Crisis? Crisis Support Your questions on mental health | CandleX Classroom https://www.candlex.cn/classroom Depression stories from our community members (both adults and teens) CandleX Column | Community Writing https://www.candlex.cn/community-writing Pretreatment CandleX Wechat Groups all ages, add our admin: niama_elazzab for 15-22 year old, add our admin: amaraprenderyya Peer Support Group biweekly meetings and biweekly hangout

Press to donate directly to CandleX Via Wechat, Alipay or Paypal When Marco successfully returned to China in 2014, he was confronted with a challenge: to restart his life after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder – the one that forced him to leave China six months previously. During this time, he found inspiration and consolation from philosophy and a new appreciation for astronomy, forming the humble but lofty goal of trying “to understand [his] own place in the universe, and to try in some small way to be a positive force within it." But ultimately, what helped him most was the ability to build a strong social network away from home. This included many of the friends he first met in CandleX’s Mental Health Support Group. Even when experiencing recurrent struggles, Marco says those around him “knew what was going on, having previously been exposed to those aforementioned difficulties.” He adds: “There was nowhere to hide, and no point in hiding. I knew there were those who I could not only trust, but trust to not pass judgment.” Marco modeling for our Moodlab project, a photography series that explores the inner world of bipolar disorder Not only did Marco gain support from the group, he also became empowered to become a mental health advocate – for himself and others. Over the past few years, Marco has shared his own story on our WeChat platform; facilitated our support group in Beijing; and participated in many events to raise awareness, including with the British Club and Moishe House. Marco has also helped raise funds for CandleX, including for our second anniversary celebration. He continues to be active in the community, despite moving to another city. Marco speaking with an attendee at a bipolar art show, sponsored by the British Club Just like Marco, many others have found ways to become self-sufficient and make an impact in the community, with some deciding to contribute to CandleX. One of our early members, Alice, learned to accept her diagnosis of bipolar disorder and changed her outlook of life through connecting with peers in the CandleX Mental Health Support Group. She helped organize several fundraising events for CandleX as well as several other mental health organizations. She has also participated in numerous events to raise awareness of suicide prevention in Beijing. Alice, Xiaojie and the hosts of Touch Beijing International radio show Lindsay was an American expat who found it liberating to be able to talk about mental health issues with an understanding community in China. Together, they were empowered to share their stories on the Touch Beijing radio show October last year. Xiaojie and Lindsay on the Touch Beijing International radio show CandleX is a non-profit organization dedicated to raising awareness of and provide English speakers in Beijing with psychosocial support for mental health conditions. We are committed to offering a safe space where all those affected by mental health conditions are acknowledged, accepted, and supported. Our Mental Health Support Group began in 2015 as one of CandleX’s main psychosocial support programs, and it continues to run to date. Every two weeks, participants of all ages with various mental health conditions meet to share their stories and find support through their peers. In these confidential gatherings, we also provide mental health education to participants and their loved ones to increase understanding of their conditions. Through the peer group meetings, our goal is to not only foster psychosocial support for individuals, but to also help participants become their own advocates. We do this by helping them navigate the world with the tools they learn from our support group. Since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, we have expanded our in-person groups to online meetings as well. Here’s a quick breakdown of the demographics of those we served during the first three years: Our 3rd year report, at a glance Our program has provided support for over 100 people since its inauguration, positively impacting the participants as well as the community around us. We hope to continue this effort and offer support to those in need. We believe this is especially necessary during the pandemic, as social isolation, distance from loved ones and the economic downturn have greatly increased stress levels in our lives. To maintain the group meetings, we need your help. Our fundraising goal is to raise $10,000, which will help us run our mental health support group sessions for 2021. It will also help us develop our capacities to offer one-on-one coaching, facilitate training and increase public awareness through the media, including social media and TV. We also plan to organize community engagement events, such as suicide prevention panels, talks and workshops, as well as increase publicity so we can reach out to more people in need. We also intend to create opportunities for participants to share their stories in news journals and community events, in addition to general logistics such as securing a safe and confidential location, where group meetings are held in person. We are highly regarded in Beijing and the surrounding areas. Psychologists from International Hospital in Beijing have referred many of their patients to our support group. We have also appeared in different news journals and partnered with several organizations in the past, including: We thank you for your generous donations. Your support, big or small, will allow us to continue to provide services for people with mental illnesses all over the world! CandleX’s Resources Are you or a friend in a Crisis? Crisis Support Your questions on mental health | CandleX Classroom https://www.candlex.cn/classroom Depression stories from our community members (both adults and teens) CandleX Column | Community Writing https://www.candlex.cn/community-writing A CandleX production on Depression The Tiny Little Box | A Documentary on Depression CandleX Wechat Groups all ages, add our admin: niama_elazzab for 15-22 year old, add our admin: amaraprenderyya Peer Support Group biweekly meetings and biweekly hangout

“Before becoming the facilitator of the teens’ support group, I was a writer for CandleX. I wrote about my struggles with mental health and my recovery, and found it to be a therapeutic process and a cool way to learn more about myself. We believe writing and seeing your articles published is an incredibly empowering experience, and I can attest to this.” Alison Qiu That’s why we’ve decided to start this monthly writing project for teens. We want to encourage you to share your personal experience in connection to key dates on the calendar related to mental health, such as World Suicide Prevention Day, World Bipolar Disorder Day, or even Thanksgiving. If you feel bold enough, we also offer opportunities to partner you with someone who you can interview about their experience with mental health. Interviews are a great way to get to know people, hear their unique stories, and learn that you’re not alone in your experience. You get to decide how and what to write about, because we want you to tell your story in your own authentic voice. Of course, CandleX will provide guidance along the way, from brainstorming to polishing your article. You’ll learn so much more than just how to write. More importantly, we intend to offer an opportunity to for you to process your emotions and significant life events in a therapeutic way. We believe sharing our own personal struggles and experiences is a form of healing that can help others see the light. Your voices deserve to be heard. Interested? We are glad to hear that! Please take a look at the following guidelines. They will help you to write a story that best fits the style and needs of the CandleX audience. How long should it be? We recommend writing 2-3 pages (without pictures) with font size 12, single space. What should we write about? Anything related to mental health. This could include your own feelings, experiences, and perspectives. It could also be about how you assisted a family member, friend or colleague suffering with depression. Anything, as long as it’s a story based on your personal experiences (note: please do not share other people’s story without their consent). We will post monthly themes in the group chat at the beginning of the year, and you can choose which one(s) interest you! Use these as a starting point for brainstorming, and branch out into the story you’d like to tell. Remember, instead of your worldview or tips, we’d love to read about your own personal experience. What if I don’t know what story I want to tell? We believe every person has interesting stories to tell. If you’re struggling with brainstorming, feel free to reach out to us and we can come up with something together! How often will we write? We are aiming for one article/video per month (group total), but the more people who join, the better! What should I do if I want to learn more about the program? A good place to start is reading articles other teens have written in the past, which you can find on the official CandleX WeChat account or from our website . https://www.candlex.cn/teens Who will I interview? I don’t know anything about video production Members of the adult support group, school counselors, family members, etc. Anyone who can offer insight into mental health. In terms of interviews, the video quality doesn’t have to be great! It doesn’t matter what the video of the interview looks like — content matters more than format. 2 more things to keep in mind: ● Stick to only one key message! This will help the audience digest it and make a bigger impact on the reader. If you have more than one key message, submit more than one article. ● It’s not a requirement, but you can add pictures if you’d like. Adding pictures makes the article more appealing to the reader. Be aware that if it’s a picture from you, you automatically grant us the consent to use it. Please make sure that all people (whose faces are recognizable) consent to the use of the picture. We also have a Teens’ Learning Group Project that offers learning opportunities on mental health. It is exclusively and strictly for people aged 15-22. For more inquires and questions, please add our teen admin Alison (see wechat ID below). “在成为青少年互助小组的引导者之前，我曾是始然心理CandleX的一名写手。我写下了我在康复道路上与心理健康方面的斗争，发现这本身就是一个很治愈的过程，也是一个有趣的了解自己的方法。我们相信，撰写并看到自己的文章发表是一次难以忘怀并塑造自己的经历，我可以为此作证。” -朕钰 这就是为什么我们决定开始启动这个青少年的每月写作项目。我们希望鼓励分享与心理健康相关的日子的个人经历，例如世界自杀预防日、世界躁郁症日，或者甚至感恩节都可以。 如果你够大胆的话，我们还提供机会让你与可以采访的人合作，谈谈他们的心理健康经历。访谈是一个很好的方式去了解别人，听听他们独特的故事，并了解到在人生道路上的你并不孤单。 你可以决定写什么、如何写作，因为我们希望你用自己真实的声音讲述你的的故事。当然，始然心理CandleX会提供指导，从与你头脑风暴到帮助润色你的文章。你将不仅仅学到如何写作。更重要的是，我们打算为你提供一个机会，让写作以净化内心的方式来帮助你重新看待一些重要的个人经历。我们相信分享自己的种种挫折与奋斗经历是一个治愈的过程，可以帮助自己和别人看到希望与光明。 你的声音值得倾听。 有兴趣吗？我们很高兴你有！那么请看下面的指南。这些将帮助你写出你的故事，并找到最适合始然心理CandleX观众的风格与需求。 需要写多少？ 我们建议写2-3页（没有图片），字体大小12，单间行距。 我们应该写些什么 ？ 任何与心理健康有关的事情。这可以包括你自己的感受、经历和观点。它也可以是关于你如何帮助患有抑郁症的家庭成员、朋友或同事。任何事情都可以，前提是基于你个人经历的真实故事（注意：未经他人同意，请不要分享他人的故事）。 我们将在2021年初在始然心理CandleX群聊中发布每月的主题，你可以选择任何一个你感兴趣的话题！把这些作为头脑风暴的出发点，并把话题延伸到你想讲的故事中。记住，比起你的世界观或小建议，我们更想读你自己的经历。 如果我不知道我想讲什么故事呢？ 我们相信每个人都有自己有趣的故事要讲。如果你对写什么还不确定，欢迎随时联系我们，我们一起想出办法！ 我们将多久写一次？ 我们的目标是每月一篇文章/视频（整体总和），但加入的人越多越好！ 如果我想了解更多关于这个项目的信息，我应该怎么做？ 建议先开始阅读其他青少年过去写的文章，你可以在始然心理CandleX官方微信账号或我们的 网站 上找到。 https://www.candlex.cn/teens 我可以采访谁？我不知道怎么制作视频 成人互助小组成员、学校辅导员、家庭成员等等。任何能提供心理健康见解的人。 视频质量不一定要最好！访谈的视频看起来怎么样并不重要 – 比起格式内容才是核心。 还有两件事要记住： · 保持在一个中心思想上！这有助于观众消化内容，对读者产生更深远的影响。如果你有一个以上的中心主题，可以提交多篇文章。 · 这不是一项要求，但如果愿意，可以添加图片。添加图片的文章将更吸引读者。请注意，如果这是你的照片，这代表着你自行同意我们使用它。请确保所有人（其面部可辨认出来）都同意使用这张照片。 CandleX’s Resources Are you or a friend in a Crisis? Crisis Support Your questions on mental health | CandleX Classroom https://www.candlex.cn/classroom Depression stories from our community members (both adults and teens) CandleX Column | Community Writing https://www.candlex.cn/community-writing Pretreatment CandleX Wechat Groups all ages, add our admin: niama_elazzab for 15-22 year old, add our admin: amaraprenderyya Peer Support Group biweekly meetings and biweekly hangout

2020 has been an unusual and challenging time for the world: with the rampant coronavirus and many natural disasters, this period of uncertainty and turbulence has magnified many people’s sadness, depression, anxiety, anger, loneliness as well as many other emotions. This year has been a challenge for us all, especially for families with children and students. All of a sudden, the familiar steps and rhythms of life broke for many of us. “Misfortune, that is where happiness depends; happiness, that is where misfortune underlies.” comes from an old Chinese proverb. It is this feeling of unknown and uncertainty that has pushed people's emotions to the brink, making mental health a focus of the public eye. Mental health has indeed gained more and more attention, but in China it is still a topic that can easily be ignored. CandleX, our non-profit organization based in Beijing, provides mental health services primarily to international communities. Being in operation since 2015, CandleX has gradually attracted more and more people, specifically expats and English speaking Chinese. Through this platform, many people opened their hearts for the first time, bravely acknowledging and facing their emotions, and learning how to cope with them. The five and a half years of operation have given us a lot of experience. CandleX’s teen projects have gradually expanded, starting with mental health education in schools and educational institutions. We began to feel the needs of this special group such as the mental health needs of international students in China and Chinese students overseas. This year’s teen’s open letter project has been greatly recognized and promoted by schools, media, educational institutions, counselors and psychologists. However, in some of the families, the parents do not speak English. In order to help parents better understand their child's feelings and improve their parent-child relationship, we had the idea to make a Chinese WeChat official account. After months of preparation, we will officially be launching “始然心理（ShiRan XinLi）” on January 1st, 2021. Watch the video below from the director of CandleX We hope that this platform for mental health will reach many common families in China, so that fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, teachers and students can join hands and build a healthy bridge of communication with continued education on how to maintain good mental health with each other. We hope that this program will help mental health become an ordinary topic in China. 2020年，对全世界来讲，真是一段特殊的日子：新冠病毒肆虐蔓延，自然灾害此起彼伏。人们的悲伤、抑郁、焦虑、愤怒、孤独等情绪……在这种潮起潮落的阴霾下，好像被突然放大了无数倍。尤其孩子们，学生们，不得不蛰居在家里上网课，熟悉的节奏，一下子被打破，人们仿佛被一个个独立的玻璃屋突然罩住，不能真真切切感受对方亲切的呼吸。 “福兮，焉知祸兮，祸兮，焉知福兮。”正是这种祸福不知的浪潮，一下子把如何引导人们的情绪推向前台，成为各方人士努力的焦点工程。 诚然，心理健康已经越来越受到人们的关注，但依然可以说，是被挤在一个容易被忽视的角落。在北京，我们创建的面向以在北京的国际人群的机构CandleX，从2015年成立至今已经运转了五年半，逐步规范地、充满爱心地吸引了许多人士，主要是国际人群、华裔以及留学生。通过这个平台，许多人第一次敞开心扉，勇敢地感知自己的情绪，面对自己的情绪，积极调整自己的情绪。 这五年半的运作给了我们很多的经验，给了我们很多的信心。青少年的心理健康项目逐步发展扩大，我们从在学校、教育机构做心理健康教育开始，也更多的感受到一个特殊群体的特殊需求，即在华的国际学校学生，以及在国外的中国留学生心理健康的需求。而今年的“青少年公开信”项目得到学校、媒体、教育机构以及心理咨询师和心理学家的认可和推广。而这一部分家庭中，有一部分家庭的父母不讲英文，为了更好的帮助这些家庭的家长了解到自己子女的心声、促进亲子关系的改善，就有了做一个中文公众号的想法，涉及家长教育以及翻译青少年教育的原创内容 。所以我们决定：2021年1月1日，开启运营CandleX中文公众号: 始然心理 CandleX 我们希望这一心理健康公益平台，欣欣然走进中国的普通家庭，让父与子，母与女，老师和学生携起手来，愉快地搭建心理沟通的桥梁，让心理健康成为一个阳光话题，让孩子们的人生轻松起来，让父母的挚爱轻松起来，一起向前努力。 我们采访了始然心理（CandleX）创始人及执行总监秦小杰，她简单地介绍了我们的成长，并规划拓展了新的目标与平台。 美国心理学家莫顿•亨特说得好：面对一个目标，迈出一小步，再一小步，体会每一步带来的成就感，直到达成自己的目标。我们相信：“始然心理”会稳步成长，为子女和家长，为学生和老师，搭建沟通的桥梁，学习如何维持心理健康，并帮助青少年身心健康地成长。 微信扫码以关注我们的中文公众号

Hello there! Here’s the latest from our brave young people writing the letter they have always wanted to write, as part of our Community Writing Project sharing stories from our community. Our writer this week is Mary, a Beijing-based high schooler, who wrote a letter “to her parents” about a recent moving experience she had with music. If you haven’t already, don’t forget to follow us on Twitter at @CandleX_Beijing To my dearest parents, It's been quite a while since the last time I wrote to you. Last week, I attended an online session called “anonymous pen-pals”, where students write letters anonymously. It turned out to be great. Many students got to express their feelings freely. However, some students still couldn’t express themselves well and were still hiding their inner feelings deep inside their minds. My best friend Catherine is one of these students. On the last school day of sophomore, I saw Catherine walk straight out of the classroom during class time without the teacher’s permission. Watching her walking out of the room, I knew it was the bipolar disorder that gave her a panic attack. It was not the first time. I learned from a psychology lecture that bipolar disorder can increase a person’s blood pressure and could potentially lead to this kind of panic attack. I was sad about what happened to my friend, but I couldn’t do anything to help her. So I went to talk with my psychology teacher, and she advised me to play the piano for my friend. I did as the teacher told me, and with my music playing, Catherine was able to calm down. Music’s calming effect drives me to dive into how music can release people from their traumas and help them step out of their experiences. I asked my teacher about the power of music, and she told me about music therapy. She even introduced me to a Music Therapy program in Sabah, Malaysia. With great interest, I attended the program last summer and learned about basic music therapy with the local music therapist. The most memorable concept that I was taught is tuning in—patients and the therapist reach a musical harmony in melody and pitch. When practicing tuning in, I came to realize that music therapy uses music as a form of communication to guide patients to express their feelings. Without verbal communication, people use different instruments and tones to play harmonious music with a beautiful melody and perfect pitch. Tuning-in also means using different melodies and rhythms to stimulate different human emotions and to help music therapists understand patients’ traumas. When you heard that I will attend the program in Malaysia, you didn’t support me because you were concerned about my safety. However, I actually learned a lot during those music therapy workshops. I really hope that you can understand my wish and support my decisions in the future. Best, Mary Thanks for reading! Have you signed up for our online CBT learning course yet? San the QR code above to join us learning together about cognitive behavioral therapy via WeChat and Future Learn.

My smile disappeared as soon as I hung up the video call with my parents. My facial muscles felt stiff. It’s always hard to hold a fake smile for long. I was struggling, but I didn’t tell my parents because I didn’t want them to worry. That would only make me feel worse. I tried to cheer myself up by watching cute baby videos. When that didn’t work, I found myself wishing that there was someone who understood how I was feeling and could talk me out of the feelings of stress and anxiety. I know that it’s not just my mental health that is suffering. I’ve heard about similar experiences from a lot of my friends. “I have a big friend group, but I still feel so isolated.” When was the last time that you were vulnerable with your friends? You love them and you trust them, but everyone seems so put together that you don’t want to confess your true feelings. You feel like you’re the only one who’s not doing that well. Or maybe you haven’t been vulnerable with them because you don’t want to upset them or impose on them. “I felt ashamed that Covid had been stressing me out, because so many people have it way worse than me. Some are physically affected, but I am still healthy.” “I always feel anxious, but I don’t know if that’s because I am just a weak person.” Do you ever dismiss your mental health problems as trivial? We believe that anyone who struggles, no matter to what extent, deserves help and support. — Teens’ Learning Group Lead 2020 Background information Launched in 2015, the mission of CandleX is to provide English speaking people in Beijing with affordable, accessible, and quality mental health support. In 2020, we expanded our program to focus on mental health education and support among Chinese students who will be/ are studying abroad. Teens’ learning group A space where we learn about common mental health issues and ways to cope with them. We can also share our stories and experiences (anonymously or not) and support each other in difficult situations. You are not alone. What will we do? Learn about mental illnesses— their symptoms, treatment, and prevention Help and support each other through difficult situations Practice using coping skills and keep each other accountable Group meditation Share weekly self-help resources Relaxation and game Who is eligible? Teens and young adults’ from age 15-22 (for adults of age 23+, please join our adult’s mental health group. Add our admin here on WeChat: Niama_elazzab) People who need a space to talk and destress People who need help dealing with life situations People who are willing to support each other People who are learning about psychology and related fields of studies People who can and are willing to communicate with English To join: Please add our teen’s group admin on your WeChat: Amaraprenderyya (put in the remark: teens WeChat group) Disclaimer: TEENS’ LEARNING GROUP DOES NOT CONSTITUTE MEDICAL SUPPORT. PLEASE SEEK PROFESSIONAL TREATMENT FOR SEVERE CONDITIONS. CandleX’s Resources Are you or a friend in a Crisis? Crisis Support Your questions on mental health | CandleX Classroom https://www.candlex.cn/classroom Depression stories from our community members (both adults and teens) CandleX Column | Community Writing https://www.candlex.cn/community-writing A CandleX production on Depression The Tiny Little Box | A Documentary on Depression CandleX Wechat Groups all ages, add our admin: niama_elazzab  for 15-22 year old, add our admin:  amaraprenderyya Peer Support Group biweekly meetings and biweekly hangout

Here’s a piece of writing by Alison, a Chinese-born high schooler living in the United States. Thank you, Alison, for sharing your experiences with eating disorders in this article, and for your hard work volunteering for CandleX. If you are interested in getting involved with our work, see the links below. I once spent a winter in an inpatient treatment program for eating disorders because I couldn’t sustain a life on my own due to anorexia. As I came out of treatment, I found that I had gained so many things: my life, friends, love, care, and an understanding. Eating disorders are more than simply struggling with food. Every anorexic has a different story as to how their eating disorder started; however, there are more ways in which they are all the same. Abby is a friend that I made at the treatment program. On the day of her discharge, when we congratulated her on this milestone of her recovery, she surprised us by bursting into tears. “Why are you crying? Aren’t you excited about going back home and finishing up the school year?” We asked. Abby confessed that, though recovery saved her life, she missed having her eating disorder: “I am afraid of going back to school because I don’t have any friends… anorexia has been my friend for so long that I don’t have anyone else; it kept me company, and made me feel worthy.” Her words hit home for me, as they spoke to the underlying reason behind my eating disorder. Coming to new school thousands of miles away from my home country as a teenager, I was all by myself. I struggled, yet I was reluctant to reach out for help. This, combined with many other factors that I wasn’t used to, made me feel like I was losing control of my life. Amidst my despair and confusion, I was tricked into believing that restricting my food intake would be the ultimate cure for my difficult emotions. For a long time, I felt accomplished for starving myself all day without eating, because it showed that I had willpower. Little did I know back then that once fallen into the trap of anorexia, one feels more pain than pleasure. Indeed, to maintain this fake sense of self-discipline, I dealt with anxiety and obsessive thoughts about food almost all of the time. So many people, including myself (before I learned what an eating disorder truly is), downplayed eating disorders as “having the discipline to go on a diet but just going too far”. The truth, however, is that those who suffer from eating disorders are not driven by determination, but rather by anxiety. Unlike a diet that people can start and quit, we are stuck in the trap of disordered eating. It confines us in loneliness, isolation, anxiety, depression— but we can’t let it go. We dread that feeling of failure: What could possibly happen if we stop our self-sabotaging starvation? We dread losing control of our eating, even though most of us don’t realize that in reality it is the food that controls us. It’s not just about starvation. What makes us suffer is the anxiety about what could happen if we give in to our hunger. Anorexics don’t hate food. An eating disorder is not a diet. Only by acknowledging its existence as a mental illness and overcoming the stigma around it, can we help ourselves and protect those around us from falling victim to eating disorders. CandleX’s Resources Access the CandleX archive on depression and mental health Are you or a friend in a Crisis? Crisis Support CandleX on Twitter www.twitter.com/CandleX_Beijing/ Stories and writing from our community https://www.candlex.cn/blog/category/Community%20Writing Support Group Support Group Sign Ups

Here’s the latest in our Community Writing Project. Lily, a 16-year old high school student originally from China, writes about her experiences with mental health as an international student in America. Thank you for sharing your story, Lily! If you have any comments about this piece, are affected by its contents or what to discuss with our community, scan the QR code at the bottom of this article to join our Wechat group. I came to America by myself as an international student at the age of 13. I did not prepare much for my American life. I was too young to understand how big the challenge would be. I landed in America with excitement, and everyone welcomed me. At that moment, I was truly happy because I thought I was free. My parents weren’t around anymore. I did not know what it meant to live in someone else’ house by myself. My freshman year flew by with numbness. I wasted my time, focused on useless things, made wrong decisions. On the last day of my freshman year, I lay on my bed and questioned myself: what did I do in the last 10 months, anything meaningful, anything worth telling my parents about, or anything to make me proud? No, I didn’t achieve anything. This sad mood lasted about two days, and I felt like I was stuck in a swamp. Looking back now, that was the beginning of my depression. But at that time, I had no idea about mental health and never thought that I would trip over mental health issues. My sophomore year was when my depression really started. I started to understand that I needed good grades to go to a good college, to make my parents proud, and to make all the money they spent on me worth it. I think the only way to make up the mistakes I had made before was to work really, really hard. The time I spent studying time was the only moment in which I did not feel so bad about myself. I started to try to be someone else, someone who looks perfect from the outside, and that kind of mindset turned into jealousy. Bitterness and resentments from everyday life made me feel even worse. Every time I felt so tired, and tried to relax or take a nap. I constantly questioned myself - would the people I admire take a nap at this point? No, of course not, so why would I be relaxing? I did not think that I deserved to relax any more. I always told myself to think about how much money my parents had spent on me. So, I just continued to study even when I was tired, and because I was tired I could not focus well, which it turn meant my grades suffered. Declining grades make me even more frustrated with myself, and as you can see, I was stuck in a bad loop. During that time, I was also in our school's soccer team, but after all these late night studies and pain in the head caused my health to worsen, I was no longer picked in the starting team. With the negative feedback from my teammates and coach, I lost interest in my only hobby, soccer, too. I carried all these heavy loads with me and felt like a coin dropped into the deep, deep ocean without any light around me. I worked really hard to cover up my mistakes. I lived in the shadow of self-inflicted blame every single moment. It was really hard, and the voice in my head questioning the efforts I made got louder and louder. The questions I asked myself: Do I work hard enough? Do I deserve happiness? am I worth the money my parents spend on me? Those questions hit my mind hard, and I could not get rid of them for years. Eventually I started to cover my negative thoughts by playing games. Winning in games gave me a sense of achievement. But just a few weeks later, I lost my interest in games too. Every moment of happiness made me feel guilty. I started to find everything in life boring. I could hardly find anything in my life that could bring me excitement and happiness. I should have done something to end my depression, but I did not. Instead of facing myself and talking to myself, I choose to avoid my problems because of guilt. Unfortunately, that made my depression even worse. I tried to talk to my friends, but I didn’t know how to start. Every time I tried to tell someone that I thought I may have depression, they just stared at me with disbelief in their eyes, and told me that I am someone who will never have depression. Ignorance and incomprehension from my host family makes me feel isolated from others mentally. I did not want to talk to anyone anymore, not even my parents. During the hardest time I had a lot of suicidal thoughts, and I never thought that I could ever make it this far, but I did. I am so glad that I could make through it. I finally talked to one of my friends who could understand me, and one of my teachers who studies psychology. Both of them gave me really helpful advice and I started to face my emotions, and get better. I started to talk to my parents and tell them what I have been thinking, and tell them that I feel sorry and wish that I could change. My parents told me that they have never expected me to be number one at any given time, they just wished me to be happy and free. Their comfort warmed the coldest part in my heart and words could not describe how much better I felt after talking to them. It felt like I dropped all my loads and finally had a chance to breathe. If you are reading this, and you think you may have depression, or negative thoughts, I genuinely ask anyone who has mental problems to talk to others, it does not have to be your friends, or parents, it could be anyone that you trust. You never know how good it will turn out. It is also a good idea to see a therapist, they could give you really helpful instructions. In addition, from my experience, I sincerely wish everyone who has mental problems could keep going, and not give up. I know it is hard, but once you overcome the fear in your heart and the anxiety in your mind, you can crush all the adversities in your life in the future. Many people see my story as unfortunate, and they are right. What I have encountered has changed me a lot, but I do not see it as a curse. Everything has a positive side that needs us to explore. In the past years, I have gained courage and life experience to face obstacles in the future. Interested in what we do? Follow us on Twitter @CandleXBeijing for more. Join our Wechat group:

Is it the first time that you and your child are living in different countries? Nov has arrived, and so have your feelings. Along with the hope and joy, you also cannot help feeling worried, anxious about whether your child will adapt to new customs, languages, and food, which is really scary. Mainland Chinese students represent the largest body of international students in the US. Your concern is not absolutely unnecessary. According to a Yale study3, out of these students who are studying in the US, 45% of them have reported having feelings of depression and 29% have reported having feelings of anxiety. This means that at least 1 out of ever 2 Mainland Chinese students will face emotional issues while they study abroad. This is troubling since only around 13% of the general population in universities report feelings of anxiety or depression (there were no numbers within the international student population). In fact, as a Chinese international student, your child is less likely to seek out counseling or support groups than their European counterparts. In the US, about 11%, or 1 out of every 10 students utilized counseling services in 2014, but only 4%, or one out of 25 of Chinese international student sought out these services. I asked my friend about her experiences at SUNY at Buffalo for the article. When recalling her experience as a student abroad, Helen (English name) easily admits that she struggled with depression. In fact, she said that she spent the first two years of university feeling homesick and depressed. She cites the stresses of being apart from her parents and friends, as well as the social norms of living in the United States as some of the causes for her depression. She is in the minority, as she actively sought out the counseling that her university offered. In fact, Helen was able to see a counselor who spoke Mandarin and who she felt really understood what she was going through. Through this experience, Helen actually went on to study psychology and she says that her experience was so positive that she actually thinks that it is the reason she was able to turn her experience of struggling with depression into a positive one where she learned to speak about her emotions and process them in a positive way. My co-worker, Peggy (English name) expressed similar feelings as Helen when I asked her to describe her experiences studying at York, in the U.K. She said that she felt incredibly lonely and helpless being alone in a new country, and said that she felt there was nothing she could do. She even spoke of times where she was screamed at on the street to go home to her own country, or when a little girl screamed at her to get out of the way. She spoke to her parents and friends and home, but did not want to worry them with her struggles, and opted to only tell them about the positive highlights of her life abroad. As parents, it is important to hear both Helen’s and Peggy’s story, because although they have similarities, there are stark differences. I asked Peggy why she never sought out counselling and she said it was too expensive and that her problems were not that serious. She was unaware that most universities offer free sessions to students. Even if she did know, she still feels that her problems were not worthy of seeking help. Feelings of depression, or anxiety are often caused by challenges life presents. In milestones like first year in college in a foreign country, the challenges are enormous to most teenagers. To support them, the first step is to be aware of the challenges that they might face, and to be aware of the resources that will be available to them. Gaining an understanding of the factors that lead to mental health problems, as well as understanding the cultural obstacles that Chinese students face is key to bridging the gap between suffering from mental health problems and seeking the help that is available to them. It is easy to outweigh academic achievements over mental health, but both are equally important. As a parent, you can look for warning signs of depression, such as lack of energy, expressing feelings of sadness, avoiding socializing with friends, and even being over critical of themselves. You know your child, so if you notice large behavioral changes, it is important to create a safe and supportive space and communicate to them about their emotional well-being. If you are afraid that your child is suffering from depression or anxiety, it is important to remember that they are not alone, and that there are resources available! Every year since 2015, we provide Chinese high school graduates workshops to prepare them for the transition into American universities. We provide workshops for their parents to ensure that the concerned parents are equipped with knowledge to deal with possible turbulence their children face living on their own for the first time. Although there may not be the exposure to counseling that there is in the US4, it is important to understand the importance of counseling. Many of the mainland Chinese international students have reported having less experience with counseling and report more discomfort and shame regarding counseling than their US cohort4. In fact, there is an astronomical shortage of well-trained therapists in China, so therapy is not viewed as an option for a majority of students1. In the US, students face a variety of obstacles, including homesickness, loneliness and social isolation, identity confusion, discrimination and prejudice, culture shock, and stress due to changes. These are huge changes that are happening to your child, and encouraging them to manage their emotions early may be key for maintaining their mental health. Although mainland Chinese international student have reported positive attitudes towards seeking mental health counseling, they tend to seek support from friends, family, or religious leaders4. Researchers have also found that students who believed that they were able to resolve their emotional distress by themselves are more likely to have depressive symptoms, while being less likely to seek professional help4. In fact, researchers found that Asian international students are more likely to underutilize counseling services more than any other ethnic/cultural group in the US, even though they experience high rates of anxiety and depression. By knowing these facts, you can encourage your child to seek the professional care that is available to them. There is a silver lining to these issues. A literature review of the mental health of international Chinese students proposes three approaches based on the unique needs of mainland Chinese international students4. These include intentional outreach, peer-to-peer counseling, and support groups. There are several types of outreach activities that could be helpful for students who are studying abroad. Universities should take advantages of the adjustment period upon arrival. This includes creating bilingual handouts to ease the language burden, the use of culture-centered intentional interactions, and the recruitment of other mainland Chinese students who could serve as liaisons to the counseling staff4. For students who are studying abroad and feeling overwhelmed by their new environment, it is important to recognize that they are not alone. Peer-to-peer counseling can take many forms. It could be something as simple as reaching out to other Chinese international students, they are likely feeling similar feelings of culture shock, loneliness, and stress1. Encouraging your child to learn and to be open to share their experiences is not only helpful for their experience, but can be helpful to their cohort as well. Peers can be invaluable while adjusting to new cultures, as they are often experiencing similar feelings and stresses. For students that are preparing to go overseas, there are steps that they can take to make a smoother transition. Your child can research clubs or organizations that are providing “buddies” or older students who have faced similar obstacles as them. Encourage them to reach out to the international Chinese community. There are plenty of options through universities, student associations, and often times even Facebook groups. Creating a support system is invaluable for children that are separated from all that is familiar. Also, help your child to avoid homesickness. Save the student (www.savethestudent.com) has a helpful list for avoiding homesickness, the number one hint being be kind to yourself. Remember, it is normal for your child to feel overwhelmed. They are adjusting to a new culture, a new country, a new schedule, and for many, a new language. Although it might be difficult for them to reach out to professionals when they are experiencing anxiety or depression, there are anonymous resources like Student Minds who offer support. Additionally, there are resources at https://www.candlex.cn/ that can help you with various mental health issues, including bi-polar, depression, and various support groups.

Warning: This article contains frank discussion of suicide and mental illness which some readers may find disturbing. Name: Hellen (we have changed the interviewee’s name for anonymity) Country of Origin: Australia Occupation: Education Time in Beijing: 2016-now (2019) When were you first diagnosed with depression and how did it impact your early life? Mental health issues of some form or another have run in my family for several generations. My parents, grandparents and 11 out of my 12 uncles and aunts have all struggled with some kind of mental health problem. My first experience with depression started when I was 12. At the time, I didn’t know I was suffering from depression, but that is when I noticed the shaking, twitching and the suicidal thoughts that emerged. I used to see myself as a “broken tool”. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 19. Throughout my life, having depression has had a marked effect on many aspects of my life, including my ability to form healthy relationships. All of the relationships I built with partners as an adult were quite toxic. I tried to maintain healthy relationships with my parents, especially with my mom, but it hasn’t been easy. My mother is a pathological liar – I have now cut myself off from my family entirely and don’t plan on going back to Australia before they pass away. How does depression look like or feel like? Some people describe it as a black dog, but it isn’t like that for me. It’s more a feeling of nothingness around me. I sometimes have this feeling of “dissociation” – it feels as if everything around me is very far away. It is a very strong feeling of disconnect from the world. You see everything and you are constantly evaluating what the “correct” response should be, but at the same time, you don’t really care. It’s like watching a movie of your own life. Sometimes, I would also lose physical sensations or pass out when I am suffering from depression. It’s like my brain is trying to disconnect from the emotion. This disconnected state could last 24 hours but it could last weeks before it gradually comes back. How did you arrive in China? I needed some practical experience for a teaching degree. I decided to take a year off to figure things out. I arrived in China in 2003 in Harbin, just six weeks after making my decision to move to China and despite the fact that I had never really traveled before. I kept coming back and forth between China and Australia until I finally arrived in Beijing in 2016. How has being in China impacted your mental health? For me, moving to China definitely wasn’t a positive experience at first. It was when I first arrived that the eating disorder started to develop, as well as a drinking problem. The working conditions in Harbin were extremely tough. So tough in fact that at times I would pass out. I tried to seek help when I first arrived in China in the Chinese medical system, but I found it very difficult to get the help I need. The medication seemed too expensive, and doctors were rude, aggressive or didn’t seem to take my problems seriously – one suggesting that I just do something I enjoy, like watching a movie, as I was being discharged from hospital during my second suicide attempt. Living as a foreigner in China doesn’t help. Foreigners don’t often settle down long-term in China, which means there is often some sort of deadline in relationships that I have built. Having said that, going back home isn’t easy either because it is much harder to integrate back into a community where close bonds are already formed, feeling that much further away from people who might not understand the expat lifestyle. If it was so tough, why stay? I was looking for chaos when I came to China – and chaos I certainly got. The chaos in China is attractive. At the same time, my brother was dropping out of school so I negotiated with my school in Harbin that I could teach extra hours for free in exchange for them taking him on as a pupil. When did you first attempt suicide? I have attempted suicide five times in total. The last attempt was three years ago. The first one occurred in 2003, during my first year in China. They happen on a regular basis every two to three years and I am now worried that I’ll feel like doing it again. The feeling comes from being sick of pretending that I am alright and losing hope that life will ever feel good. People who are ready to commit suicide are not necessarily people with zero interest in life and have this passive attitude. It is people who want to live, go through the struggle of living but finally have lost any hope that things will feel any better. What are the triggers? It’s actually a constant drain. There are issues stemming from my childhood – I was raised to think that I myself was inherently evil, that there was something wrong with me and I constantly needed to make up for my existence. The feeling of wanting to commit suicide is this feeling of wanting to ruin everything – to be able to be in control and have the power to destroy it all. In some ways, it is like an itch that you need to scratch. And if you want to not act on this “itching”, you need to be very proactive about it. For instance, I signed up to “Better Help”, an online counseling service, assuming I would be able to access high-quality counseling, but it didn’t work very well for me – the counselors I was matched with didn’t know anything about living in China, they assumed all my problems came from living in China. You have to try many solutions before you can find one that works. For me, it feels like there are two different types of depression. One is “biological”, you are born with it. For example, in May and November, I know that I am affected seasonally by depression and that medication can help me weather these periods. But some of my mental health issues stem not from biology but from the things that have been said to me and done to me – the “trauma”. I have got to a stage where I am pretty aware of my trauma and aware of the negative thought and behavior patterns that I fall into – but I still struggle to get past them. I haven’t yet found a therapist who can understand me better than I can understand myself. What do you do for self-care? When I am feeling depressed, any sort of self-care is hard – even getting out of bed is hard! I can get motivated to take care of myself if I am held accountable by others; so I will make commitments for dinner with friends. I usually don’t really enjoy the process, but will be able to enjoy being with friends. I have to remove all obstacles to leaving the house or even my room – if I leave myself any options, I will ultimately talk myself out of it. I feel that it is a constant fight. Sometimes I even ask my friends to send a car round for me so that I will be motivated to leave. How do people respond to your mental health issues? I do now have very close friends, especially since the last suicide attempt because I needed people in order to cope. There is no toxicity in these relationships. I have got into the habit of sharing my struggles with my mental health early on in any relationship, in order for people to get an understanding of what they are dealing with. Society is now more open to talking about mental health. It used to be more complicated to open up to new friends or acquaintances about my mental state but now, people are actually drawn to each other because having someone with a personal complicated story means that talking to them could be a space to share your own. What you realize when you start disclosing your own struggle, is that everybody then opens up as well. Many people are now also very aware of their own boundaries and can express what they are and aren’t comfortable hearing when they are talking to someone who is struggling. I am lucky enough to have made amazing friends who can enforce healthy boundaries – we can help each other and monitor each other’s moods. It is a two-way relationship: I take care of them as much as they take care of me. How has learning to support your friends and yourself helped you professionally? As a teacher, I often come across teachers who are overwhelmed and under pressure. I noticed that this skill also helped me at work as a teacher: I am more capable now of handling overwhelmed parents with their kids. Right now in Beijing, there is no support that is accessible and the pressure to be a perfect parent with a perfect child is growing, which makes it hard to combine western parenting methods with this intense pressure. Parents are left alone and there is no possibility for them to admit “I am not ok”. I have been able to use my experience struggling with mental health to support some of the parents of the kids I teach, and that has been rewarding. How is attending a support group been helping you? When I first heard about the support group, I didn’t dare to go for several weeks – there was a requirement to be currently not having a severe depressive or suicidal episode before you could attend. I was worried I wouldn’t be healthy enough to attend or I wouldn’t fit in – but when I did, it was very helpful. People living with depression are often narcissistic – everything revolved around their need to be heard. But at the support group, finally, I felt not only heard but understood. As the others spoke, I thought, “Yes! I have felt it too!” The stories I heard resonated strongly with each other. Note of correction: the CandleX support group is open to people with severe depression at suicidal stage What should people expect from a support group? A support group is very different than the support you might get in a group of friends. There is less pressure to say the right thing, because the other people there aren’t friends and won’t be around after the hour is up. You don’t have to say anything you aren’t comfortable with – but it does help to be as open as you can, otherwise, you do risk just absorbing the energy of those around you. Interviewed by Helena from BARE We would like to invite you to read these articles from our community, and watch these videos CandleX has produced recently to bring awareness to suicide prevention: In the Moment of Blur | Sam's Story with Depression The Fine Line between Life and Death l Xiaojie's poem Suicide Prevention, CandleX BJ (Video) Signs | Suicide Prevention (video) If you know anyone that is struggling with depression or severe stress or are otherwise affected by the issues mentioned in this article, please direct them to the Crisis Support pages by clicking on ‘Read more…’. CandleX Mental Health Peer Support Group meets weekly and is a key resource for English speakers in need in Beijing. To learn more about the support group, you can take a look at our peer support review reports from the past few years. #mentalhealth #depression #suicide #Beijing #China #psychologicalsupport

Our latest piece in the One Model One Story series, written by Enoch Li, founder of Bearapy, is about Alice, who lives with bipolar disorder. The accompanying picture, ‘Alice’, by Spanish Photographer Pere Ibañez, is displayed throughout June and July at our Moodlab exhibit at Camera Stylo in Beijing, along with other work from the award-winning series. Name: Alice Liu Country of Origin: China Occupation: School Academic Officer Time in Beijing: 8 years Many Faces I want to be “normal” and live without medication. I like smiling all the time. I want to have the same hope and happy smile all the time. But I cannot. Underneath that smile – and indeed it felt somewhat weird to be smiling in the camera when given the opportunity – is frustration, loneliness, doubt, numbness, confusion, stubbornness, bouts of extreme energy and creativity, and anxiety. I am bipolar. It took me a long time of denial before I could accept I was bipolar. I used to think: “Oh lucky that I’m just having depressive episodes and am not someone who can never be normal.” I thought that at least if I was only depressed, then with anti-depressants, I could somehow live a “normal” life, instead of swinging from between extreme moods of hyperactivity and utmost despair. When I was first diagnosed, I thought that I was living with depression. But I did not acknowledge the other side of me and the other emotions that came with it. I attributed it to being “young” and not knowing what I was doing – I would get mad at people easily, burn bridges in relationships, whilst enjoying heightened creative moments for my PR job designing posters and writing content. Needless to say, I was a perfectionist too, I had immense trust in my capability and thought I knew it all. Then, I would crash. I would not be able to sleep. I would be shakingly anxious about my work and life, I would lose weight, not be able to go to work for a month, and sink into an unexplainable depression. I have lost count the number of times I sat on the window ledge, ready to take my own life and cease to become a burden on my friends and family. Thank goodness my husband was with me. Imagine the wildest roller coaster ride you have ever been on before, and then times it by 10,000 or more. That is how the emotions swing like a full force pendulum between depressive and manic episodes. Sometimes I do not even know if I can fully control myself. The complexity of emotions and thoughts in these different states of minds are overwhelming. Even though I want to be happy and smiling all the time, slowly I have come to learn that it is not realistic. In fact, all these emotions make up “Alice”. I have many faces, and so does every one of us. The key is to get to know these faces and emotions, and integrate so they are all part of you. Our inner theatre is more colorful than just a smiling face. As I journey through the zombie-Alice, the hyper-Alice, the irritated-Alice, the insecure- Alice, the doubtful-Alice, the hopeless-Alice, the joyful-Alice, the anxious-Alice, the numb-Alice, the over-the-moon-bubbly-Alice…. I find more meaning to myself and to life. With bipolar, I have found a purpose in what I could do and contribute by talking to more people about it, reducing the stigma, and hoping that more people will understand our states of mind. I am Alice, and I have many faces. Normal is overrated anyways. Author | Enoch Li Proofread | Katie Would you like to contribute writing on depression, bipolar or any aspect of mental illness? E-mail stories@candlex.cn to have your story featured. #mentalhealth #depression #bipolardisorder #Beijing #China #psychosocialsupport #moodlab #onemodelonestory

CandleX exists to support the Beijing community by raising awareness of and supporting people living with mental illnesses such and depression and bipolar disorder. As part of this, we publish stories and pieces of writing by members of our community in our ‘My Story with Depression’ Project. Do you have a story to share? Send an e-mail to stories@candlex.cn or write a comment below. A Death and a Rebirth – My thoughts on bipolar Diagnosis is simultaneously a death and a rebirth. How do you let go of the amazing highs? To be told that life will now be modulated by chemicals, specifically one chemical: lithium. I asked my doctor: is there a medication that would let me be in a permanently high state? I felt like I was the best version of myself - productive, energetic, social, creative, charismatic! But she said, what about the inevitable crash? Months of debilitating depression, psycho motor retardation, as my doctor calls the way that I slow down my thinking and movements and confine myself to bed. High functioning depressive I am not. Thatʼs not to say that those who are suffer less. In fact, perhaps that they can somehow keep it together means no one realizes how much they are suffering. Me, my life comes to a grinding halt, I canʼt generate new thoughts, ideas, the only comfort is rereading old books, the characters and stories I know so well. I canʼt think my way out of the depression. I go to hospital as a circuit breaker because I know that I canʼt kill myself, and yet all I want to do is be dead. All day long I go between these two poles and I canʼt pick a side, so I lay down on the floor, and I just stay on the floor, people donʼt know what to do. Do you just leave her be, sheʼs not hurting herself or anyone else? Or do you pick her up and put her back in bed, where sheʼs been for the last month. So itʼs off to hospital, to the locked down ward, into a room next to the ECT treatment room, itʼs not electrical shocks anymore they say, more like a brain reset. No you donʼt need that. Why? Am I not depressed enough? Later on I meet a guy who is having ECT and he is young and sporty and handsome. But the fucking black dog got him. Heʼs not someone I would have sat down and talked to in the real world, but here we are connected because we want to live and get back out there. So in many ways the psychiatric ward was a place of optimism, itʼs people at their weakest psychologically, emotionally, who are surrendering themselves, their freedom, so that they can be reborn. Take your meds. I am so compliant, lithium takes away the highs, but I fucking get it now, they make sure that the bottom doesnʼt fall out. And for the first while, I yearn for the highs, and I feel I have to live a small life, contained. And I am afraid of other people, of them finding out that I have bipolar and that I need to be on medication. Sometimes I want to just introduce myself with it, hi, I have bipolar. Get it out of the way. I think of it constantly, the bipolar. Slowly, gradually, I can now see more space around it, it doesnʼt take up all of me. And I am starting to see ways to live with it, small glimpses of the sun. Itʼs enough, I feel growth. Itʼs halting and slow, but I see the light. Anonymous submission Proofread by Lucy If this story impacted you, let us know in the comments below or by e-mailing stories@candlex.cn. Follow our account or get in touch to be added to our public wechat group to find out more about what CandleX does. Click on here to read more community submitted stories. #mentalhealth #bipolardisorder #depressionstory