I have secret. I have called a depression support line before. It was one of those moments that I felt the utmost despair that depression can bring. I could only imagine the person on the other side of the phone. I could talk to him, and I knew I was not burdening him. When I met Kate, when she interviewed to apply for a volunteer position with CandleX, I was intrigued by her experience as a mental health support line volunteer. Here is her reflection about providing help to the callers. I’d like to take the chance to thank all help line volunteers who have given a hug to a soul by being with them through difficult moments. - Xiaojie Author | Kate Editor | Xiaojie, Mara It’s 2:00 am and I hear the phone ring. Like any time when I get woken up in the middle of the night, I feel confused and kind of annoyed. I feel especially confused when I realise that this is not my bed. Then suddenly, it’s all clear. It’s my first night volunteering at a mental health support line and that ringing noise means this is my first call! The five or so steps to the phone seem so long and I am feeling really nervous. I’ve role-played this situation so many times in volunteer training but this is a real caller. What if I mess up? My co-volunteer and I pick up the phones together- I will talk and she’ll listen and step in if needed, most likely the caller will never hear her. Then I hear the caller’s voice. Instantly I feel a sense of calm rush over me. It’s not about me or my nerves anymore it’s just about being present and listening. During this first call, like many I would take as a phone line volunteer, the caller talked to me about their self-harm and depression. Hearing callers talking about depression had a big impact on me, especially hearing about the feelings of loneliness and hopelessness callers often felt. I went on to volunteer for the next two years, only stopping when I left university and moved to Beijing. Like many universities in the UK, mine had a Nightline, a phone line open through the night (8:00pm-8:00am) for students to call if they were experiencing mental health difficulties, challenging life events or just wanted to talk. Although many calls centred on depression, people called about a huge variety of topics including: anxiety, eating disorders, self-harm, study stress, relationship problems, coming to terms with and exploring their sexuality, homesickness, and, of course, prank callers who just wanted to waste your time. To become a volunteer you had to complete a training course where you learned the importance of being non-judgemental- not giving our opinions, non-advisory - not giving advice or suggestions, and confidential- not talking about what specific callers had discussed. It’s not easy following these policies as a volunteer, especially when people ask you directly- what should I do? What do you think? But they are really important as volunteers don’t have the necessary training and knowledge to give advice like a professional. It’s easy to see these policies as very limiting, but really they are there to help you listen and, where appropriate, help the caller evaluate their own options and thoughts for themselves - so as not to be just another voice telling them what to do. When someone feels they are alone with a mental health problem, just being heard and having their emotions recognized can mean everything. This means that just listening can be really powerful. I have adopted this non-advisory approach in my real life. Now, when a friend comes to talk to me I try to resist rushing to give my opinion or advice and give them lots of time to express what is going on in their own words. I try not to ask leading questions like, “Did that make you feel angry?” and ask more open questions like “How did that make you feel?” Finally, before giving my advice and explaining what I think they should do, I often ask what solutions or options they have considered. Then I talk through those options with them. I am not saying I talk to my friends like a stranger on a phone line but I have learned the value of listening, particularly active listening. Active listening is a technique often used in mental health counselling but also promoted in businesses and conflict resolution. For anyone with friends and family with mental health problems learning to listen actively can help ensure your loved one feels heard and understood. How often when you are in a conversation do you feel like you are just waiting to reply? Active listening is about focusing on really understanding what the other person is saying and responding to show the speaker you understand. This means giving your full focus to what the person is saying by eliminating distractions for example by trying to find a quiet place to talk, sitting with your hands still, not fidgeting, and stopping other tasks. As you are listening and analysing information it is important to respond to show you’re listening. This can be through non-verbal responses such as maintaining eye contact and making noises like “mmmhmm” that show that you are listening; and verbal responses like paraphrasing. Paraphrasing is when you take details of what the person has said and reflect it back to them for clarification, not necessarily using the same words but the main points of what they have said. Such as, “It sounds like your new medication is helping but also making it really difficult for you at work.” This shows the speaker you are listening and can also help you check your understanding is correct. I found using these active listening techniques to not only be really helpful as a volunteer, but also in my personal life. I think we often underestimate the power of listening. Focussing on your own listening skills can help us support a loved one with mental health difficulties. Source: Katherine Hurst, www.thelawofattraction.com The flipside of learning the importance of listening was that I also saw the importance of sharing. A problem shared might not be a problem halved, but experience from the phone line has shown me that talking openly about difficult emotions can really help. So many callers would start calls in a highly distressed state and end the call much more calmly, seeming to be more focused on their possible options and next steps forward. This showed me first-hand the importance of having a safe space to verbalise what you’re feeling. It’s sad that for so many of us it is difficult to find space in our lives to talk frankly about mental health without fear of being judged. That’s why I was so excited to find CandleX in Beijing, which despite taking a totally different approach to mental health, still creates an oasis where talking about mental health difficulties is not something to be ashamed of. For anyone going through a difficult life event or mental health problem I would encourage them to find someone trusted they can talk with. This person could be your doctor, a mental health professional such as a counsellor, someone from your faith, or a close friend or family member. Finding the right words to talk about negative emotions can be so difficult. I often admired the courage of callers for being brave enough to talk really honestly about the most difficult things in their lives. Furthermore, callers often delayed sharing their experiences because they worried about being a burden to their friends or family. But no one chooses to have a mental health problem, and no one should feel guilty for getting the help they need to start their recovery, or have to face a mental health problem alone. EVENTS In order to heal and build resilience, we strongly encourage you to attend our CandleX events: CandleX Rooftop yoga Travel to Grow- National Holiday to Thailand CANDLEX'S RESOURCES CandleX Classroom DEPRESSION STORIES FROM OUR COMMUNITY CandleX Column | My Story with Depression A CANDLEX PRODUCTION ON DEPRESSION The Tiny Little Box | A Documentary on Depression #Beijing

To live a fulfilled life, one must be mentally healthy. Our mental resilience is essential to our holistic wellbeing, especially when “life” hits hard. We all go through hard times, whether we are rich or poor, smart or average, married or not. For people without enough reserves to approach them skillfully, those hard times become manifested as depression, while others go through it with the faith that it will pass. If you’ve read our Classroom webpage, you’ll understand that Psychological Factors play a vital role in mental health. “Mental Filter”, “Over-generalization”, “Emotional reasoning”, “Labeling”,and etc all have a high co-relation with mental disorders. Throughout the 2 years we’ve been working to raise awareness, we’ve been promoting “mindfulness” as a foundation practice to fill up your tank of resilience. “I struggled to make it a regular practice in life for years, until I went to Thailand just for mindfulness. Sometimes, you have to take yourself out of your routine to welcome a new habit” Xiaojie said. “It turned out to be my turning point in life” For those of you who are preparing yourself for a greater quality of life, we recommend you join our National Holiday Thailand Mindfulness Trip (Travel to Grow) hosted by Lean in MBA (remark: this is not a CandleX event). Invited by their founder, Curr, Xiaojie will facilitate this 8-day trip for Mind Detox, mindfulness practice and self-development in Chiang Mai, Thailand. In order to grow we need to plan, commit and get ready for hard work. It works miracles when you devote yourself to an intensive self-development program starting from getting to know yourself. We want to make that happen for you by offering you this opportunity in Chiang Mai Thailand. Every morning, you’ll wake up early for yoga practice. Every day, you’ll discover something new about yourself through our daily workshops that are tailored to open our hearts, heal our wounds and cultivate tools to deal with difficult emotions. Every night, you’ll go to bed with a love and kindness meditation practice.

Xiaojie Qin Founder and Executive Director of CandleX To my dearest CandleXers, The last time I wrote a personal email to CandleX’s followers and friends was about July 2016. When I first started CandleX, I used to write a newsletter that was sent out to everyone who had ever been in contact with us. Sometimes, it was my story, Sometimes, it was about our new initiatives, Other times, it was about my reflections on life. The first friends of CandleX were an intimate group made up of my own dear friends. Ayutthaya, Thailand 2017 Then, I paused, Because things started to push this #20 email back, Again and again, For a year now! In two years, We have grown from a team of 1 to a team of 12, We have progressed from working on one project at a time, To tackling countless projects at the same time. We went from only communicating via email, To managing a website, WeChat, and other social platforms. We went from working by ourselves, To working with partners. I haven’t ever designed a clear path for CandleX to follow, Rather, I envision a way the world could be. This vision has been leading me Along a path where opportunities present themselves, And contacts with people who share this vision are made. It’s been a journey of excitement, fulfilment, creativity, appreciation, and life changing moments Bankgok, Thailand 2017 Flowers and Photo credit: Wild Cherry I’ve been constantly working, constantly. Many nights, I work till bedtime. Many days, I am just trying my best to cross things off my calendar. Many times, I am busy checking in with everyone else around me on how they are feeling. Many moments, I think about my bucket list, I feel like it’s thousands of miles away from me. Then, one thing happened, I took a break the other day, I had no idea. My body and mind seemed to have a spot of emptiness and disconnection, It made me anxious. How can I find myself in such discomfort, while I am simultaneously energized, inspired, and thankful? Pour le cube : suivez les flèches I still don’t have a full explanation. However, It reminds me of the rule of thumb I established for our team Ayutthaya, Thailand 2017 Don’t try to carry the world on your shoulders, There are always going to be people who need help. Don’t drive yourself crazy By trying to bring sanity back to people. Don’t stray from joy, Make work fun, for you! Don’t get distracted from opportunities, Ask yourself if you are taking advantages of them, or if they are taking advantage of you! Ironically, I find it hard to live by this teaching. Maybe the hardest part is, if you teach, you have to live your teaching. –Maya Angelou Stretched and Contorted Porcelain Face Sculptures by Johnson Tsang Now CandleX is 2 years old, and where am I? Where am I when I am emotionally fatigued but still receive heavy messages asking for help? Where am I when we have so many gaps in this organization, and never enough resources? Where am I when a passing opportunity winks and my calendar is full? Where am I when I feel so full, but I have this piece of emptiness in my heart? I am running back and forth on both sides of the voices, I am excited and motivated, while being on the edge of burning out, I am feeling confused, but also I see my life with such clarity, I am being consumed and recharged at the same time. So there it is, maybe. That empty space is there To remind me to check in with myself. No running, No covering it up, No straying away. A space that I can so very much use to bring myself back. Life doesn't live in the future - where all your problems are solved and all your goals are met, It’s here, when I take some time for myself. I heard this while meditating a few days ago: Where this is no struggle, There is no strength. Inner strength comes from being challenged, from facing adversities. The pain that makes you want to throw your hands up and shout, “I give up!” can build your courage and determination. We all have the ability to stand up and Face resistance, and walk through it. If you feel you are walking into fear, Know that you already have the enduring power that you are asking for. Then say thank you, Because you know in your truest core, That your deepest struggle will produce your deepest strength. Oprah Winfrey, Meditation on Hope in Uncertain Times, Day 10: The Reality of Inner Strength. It helped me to see my struggle, confusion, and frustration in a different light. Where am I now? My fingertips found the new equilibrium as my thoughts settle, on Facebook! With Compassion, Connection and Love, Xiaojie PS: don’t miss out our rooftop yoga, every year from April to Oct. In the open air on the rooftop of a Beijing hutong, we nurture our bodies, and allow our minds to rest. There is where I go to balance myself. Join me? #beijing #mentalhealth

From an abstract idea to the first photos becoming real posters; from a few people sitting in a bar and brainstorming to having sponsors interested; from flurries of emails and WeChat group messages to meeting reports and workshop proposals…all in the effort to address the lack of awareness on bipolar disorder in Beijing. It took 6 months of work – and more is to come – but Qin Xiaojie, the Founder of CandleX and mastermind behind the MoodLaB photo exhibition, is clearly impressed by how this project has come together and touched by the help of so many partners and the growing number of project members. The initial idea of a photo exhibition has now expanded to cover a range of activities, from a subway campaign to emotional wellbeing workshops, psychoeducation and personal stories. We are proud to present CandleX Brand New 1.5 Year (2016-2017) Long Project | MoodLab: Bipoloar Disorder Awareness Campaign The goal of this campaign is to raise awareness about bipolar disorder and reduce the social stigma attached to it. The MoodLab project is composed of 7 major activities under 4 pillars of Community Education, Community Engagement, Mass Media Campaign, and Community Campaign. By inviting community members to become models and portray various moods in a series of photoshoots, we started the first activity of this project in November 2016. Joined by renowned photographer, Pere Ibañez, this is the first of its kind event for the community to experience the drastic emotions associated with bipolar disorder. A total of 20 models will be selected for the photoshoot in order to create a diverse portfolio. Pere Ibañez and Xiaojie Qin Dec 2016 As part of the project team, Enoch Li and Timothy Coghlan, wife and husband, did a shoot together in Nov 2016, portraying the desire for connection when one experiences a mental slump. Li experienced depression in 2010 and Coghlan was the one who saw her through suicide attempts and the days she felt “stuck under 50 feet of snow, with nowhere to go, and no air to breathe.” Coghlan was reminded of the love between him and his wife during the photoshoot. Indeed, one of the purposes of the photoshoots is to also help models (re)awaken their feelings and emotions with intensity.” We all have stories, and so do each of the photos we will present. In cooperation with Itgetbrighter China and Bearapy, “One Model One Story” was created to present models’ stories with mood or bipolar disorder, as well as the reasons for wanting to learn about their moods and portray them in photos. We aim to create a healthy and open conversation thereby bridging the gap between “unwell” and “well” members to share and learn about each other. To reduce social stigma, we have to face the fear of stepping out of the box. Moodlab provides that opportunity to transform and empower our community Before the photoshoots, CandleX will provide MoodlaB Emotional Wellbeing workshops for the models and community members to learn more about their own emotions and to heighten their self-awareness. In the workshops, we will explore the range of human emotions, and spectrum of moods through a learner centered approach and by using art and psychosocial education, including body movement, drawing, group reflection, and theater games to engage the participates to experience the spectrum of emotions. Additionally, mini psychoeducation elements, including personal story telling, and a psychosocial presentation will be covered. The photos will be curated into an online album, with stories, slogans and photos complied together in an art album. But beyond that, CandleX aspires to show CandleX Campaign photos in selected subway stations or bus stations around Beijing on the mental health day in October, 2017. Not everyone would understand what these art photos mean exactly, but for those that do, the words speak into the dark corners in the heart, telling them they are not alone, and we are here to help. Besides photos, we will also produce CandleX Campaign Videos on Bipolar Disorder Awareness in partnership with Ray Kenderdine, an independent film-maker. A series of videos of different length will be produced presenting the general public’s understanding of bipolar disorder in relation to the reality of bipolar disorder. The video will be used at our community events, on major media platforms, and in schools that we collaborate with. The Psychoeducational Element will be delivered in Feb 2017, in partnership with MyTherapist, China’s top mental health service provider. It’s an online two-week intensive campaign on bipolar disorder reaching over 1 million, with activities including psychoeducational article, mood disorder online participant engagement, psychoeducation live classroom with psychiatrists, and an online self-assessment tool. In addition to all these great initiatives in store between now and the end of 2017, a CandleX Interactive Art Exhibition will be held where a wider audience will be able to view and experience the stories and photos of the community. Another key event is a CandleX Mental Health Gala in April to celebrate CandleX’s 2-year anniversary, to thank all its project team, and to increase the engagement with community. Engage with MoodlaB Campaign 1. Be Our Model You can still apply to be our model and advocate for mental health until the 30th of March, 2017. Our first picture is displayed at an exhibition in Los Angeles Center for Digital Art from 8th -31st December 2016. More photos from this project will be released throughout 2017. 2. Join Emotional Wellbeing Workshop The first MoodlaB Emotional Wellbeing Workshop will take place on the 17th of December, 2016 (14.15 – 16.30) at UCCA, Beijing. The workshops will be held from Jan –June 2017. Participants for the workshops are accepted via email application to info@candlex.cn. Please email us if you have any questions. #moodlab #mentalhealth #bipolar #depression

Sample bipolar image by Pere Ibañez: “Fireworks” aims to capture the light-headed rush and sudden energy that might come during a manic episode. In 2017 CandleX is continuing its cooperation with famous Spanish photographer, Pere Ibañez, in creating a photo series to portray the moods of bipolar disorder. This first-of-its-kind event aims to give those interested an opportunity to experience the emotions associated with the illness. We started having photoshoots in November 2016, We have photographed 6 community members to date. The first picture had its premiere at the Los Angeles Center for Digital Art in December 2016. More photos will be released throughout 2017. Later on selected pieces will be featured in an online photo album and interactive exhibition in Beijing. Our photographer, Pere Ibañez, is known worldwide for producing works that evoke strong feelings. Some might find his photos shocking or intimidating, but they explore aspects of human nature that too often are underplayed and trivialized. His first photographic collection, EneME, has been released in 22 countries to date. The Leftlovers and Generation Y, his second and third series, both ranked #1 in iTunes sales for art ebooks in Spain. Pere Ibañez, born and raised in Barcelona, currently lives in Beijing. What is Bipolar? Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a mood disorder that causes unusual shifts of great magnitude in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out daily tasks. It is a severe and debilitating mental illness, and only started to receive societal and academic attention in the past decade. The Prevalence Rate for bipolar disorder is approximately 1.1% for the population over the age of 18 (US National Institute of Mental Health). This means that at any one time, 51 million people worldwide suffer from bipolar disorder, with 12 million people in China, and 2.2 million people in the USA. What are the Activities for Models? Photos are one of the most powerful tools to present a feeling or an idea. Therefore, we would like to express the experience of bipolar with the creativity of Pere Ibañez. We are launching a second round of applications for people who are interested in modelling for these photoshoots, prior to which, we will offer an experiential workshop on emotions, with details as follows: MoodlaB Emotional Wellbeing workshops: the second workshop will take place in March, 2017 (exact day to be informed) Weekly Photoshoots: Between March to April 2017, exact timing to be liaised with model and photographer. One Model One Story: Some selected models will be asked to share their personal mental health story and experience about the project. All events are free of charge. How can I get Involved in the Photoshoot? We are looking for: People who are interested in learning more about bipolar and mood management to join us in MoodlaB workshop. People in the Beijing community with an interest in being models for photoshoots. We would require the following of models: Commitment to join our MoodlaB Emotional Wellbeing workshop on emotions and moods. Open and easygoing mind-set – models may be required to be partially nude in the photos Priority will be given to those, who have had experience with bipolar disorder – either first or second hand This is a great opportunity to learn more about mood and emotional management through the free workshop, and a chance to experience what it is like in a professional photoshoot! What’s the timeline? Apply Now Click here to fill out the online application form. All information in the application form will be kept confidential and only within the CandleX team. We will hold a short phone interview with suitable candidates. For any questions, feel free to email us at: info@candlex.cn MoodlaB: It’s more than just a photoshoot. CandleX is dedicated to increasing awareness of bipolar disorder in Beijing. For this reason, the MoodlaB Project was kicked off in Sep 2016, and will go on till the end of 2017. Moodlab photoshoot, being an important element of this project, is just one of the 9 activities that we have. #bipolar #moodlab #beijing #china #depression

While CandleX’s primary focus is spreading awarenes of depression and mental health in Beijing, we are exploring reaching more audiences outside Beijing by engaging in an interactive way. Candlex’s founder, Xiaojie, via WeChat gave a talk on mental health to the audience of WeClub, a Hong Kong based organization. There were 28 participants, 70% of which were women. Half of the participants were from Hong Kong and half from mainland. This is the first session that CandleX has conducted online for broader audiences. Xiaojie began by discussing her own personal struggle with depression and how she learned to stay healthy in mind and body. Her story segued into the creation of CandleX, where she discussed our mission and goals. The online meeting was schedule to go from 8:00pm to 9:30pm, however, due to the high interests during the Q&A section it ended up going about 30 minutes over. Overall, this was a very different experience for Xiaojie as it was conducted entirely online, with the host from WeClub facilitating the direction of the talk, and engagement of the audience. CandleX welcomes all organizations and companies interested in learning more about depression to reach out to us for a similar session. CandleX will continue to have discussions on depression, bipolar disorder and mental health; keep an eye out for our future events! #Beijing #depression #mentalhealth #china

In February this year, I wrote the following email about my personal story of a breakup. Today, I’d like to share this story with you, and encourage all who are going through difficult times or breakups to remember that you can find a way through the sadness or depression, and that peace will ultimately shine through. Dear CandleXers, Just this week, I found out that my ex-boyfriend has married the woman that he started dating after we broke up in 2014. “It’d be a disaster if in years time, he’s happily married, and I am not. It wouldn’t even be fair. ….” I used to have this thought running around in my head. This was my worst-case scenario and I thought that it would devastate me. My worst-case scenario became reality, but surprisingly, I am not devastated. I am truly happy that they have made it, that they are happily in love, and have started a family. There is a bit of jealousy, but who wouldn’t feel a tinge of jealousy over a couple like this? Mainly, I just feel relieved knowing that he has someone by his side. It was in this moment, that I knew that I had moved past the pain and am now able to rejoice in his happiness. I have always cared for and been concerned about him, but over the years, there have been times, when those feelings have been covered by pain and jealousy. Even so, the positive feelings of care and concern were strong enough to hold on and surprise me. Many years ago, Daniel (of course I have changed his name for privacy reasons) and I were struggling with our relationship. Everything was great in the beginning, but after a while he made a decision to become serious about living as a Christian. Since I wasn’t (am not) a Christian, I started to find it challenging to communicate, and very difficult for us to do things together. We started to want to do different things in our free time and it became difficult to connect. I wanted to stay with him and so I kept on working hard at the relationship but was not seeing any results. All of this effort resulted in disappointments, misunderstandings and tears. Eventually, we stopped trying; we were both hurt, stopped talking, and did not end on good terms. I didn’t realize that I likely had mild depression at the time. This escalated to moderate depression towards the end of our relationship, and now I remember spending days and nights in a relationship that I couldn’t feel optimistic about. I couldn’t be fully accepted and I couldn’t be myself. Daniel once said that his friends had told him that he shouldn’t hang out with me because I was a bad influence. I don’t abide by Christian rules and I don’t feel bad about it, but nonetheless, hearing this damaged my sense of self-worth and made me feel like a social outcast amongst his friends. Many more things like that happened in our relationship. He would pray for me and I hated that because, in my mind, that’s the laziest way to do something good for others. He hosted bible studies, but I never wanted to go. He gave me a book about God and I read it out of obligation. After we broke up, I slept for 10-14 hours a day for a month. I thought that I was just tired but it was actually depression (relationship breakdown is a typical life event that can lead to depression). Take a look at Lesson 3.1 Causes of Depression for more information about common triggers of depression. It took me a long time to recover from that. But today, without all of the emotion, I am able to look at their relationship with peace in my heart. Daniel and his wife are perfect for each other. “She has such a pure heart for God” is something he once told me her. I remember that at that moment, I thought, “That is something I would never be able to offer him, the inspiration and strength necessary to help him hold up his belief.” I knew that that was something that he needed to restore his faith in God and be who he really is. It hurt me so much to know that I would never be that person. I know little about Daniel’s wife – I had only met her once before I cut contact with him, but I know that she is so passionate about following God. I could see what a strong believer she is and I wish that I could some day be hit by thunder and suddenly have a belief, any belief, that is so unshakeable. She’s a very nice person, and definitely smart and hardworking too. Even for them, it’s never an easy walk to come together, and now they are married. It would be wonderful to spend you life with someone that can understand you and connect with you on such a deep soul level. When he prays out loud in a restaurant, he will now have someone by his side, who rather than sitting there feeling awkward (like I did), will be able to hold his hand and echo his words. I am glad that Daniel has someone by his side. He’s happy, he’s supported, and he’s well. Now looking back, there’s no right or wrong. There are just differences. I spent so much time in pain and sorrow, blaming him and myself. Now I know, pain comes from rejection, which can be rooted in refusing to see things from another perspective. Pain also comes from trying to be someone who you are not; pain can also come from not letting go of something that doesn’t help you to grow. Now, what a great joy to truly feel, “I am happy for you, Daniel. I am doing well myself, and thanks for all the prayers you once said for me.” With love, connection and compassion, Xiaojie Qin CandleX #beijing #depression #China #relationships

You are in China. You have depression. You feel all alone. You want to check out. I don’t know who you are. But I know what you are going through, because I have been there. You may think nobody cares, but I do. . On this year’s World Suicide Prevention day (9/10), I wrote this poem for those… whose light is dimmed by depression, for those who feel so much pain and despair, and are ready to go, for those whose life hangs by a string and nobody knows. I hope this poem can bring you the strength to hang in there. --Xiaojie It’s disappointing, when you look in the mirror every morning, It’s terrifying when you stand on the tip of a cliff with no space to back away, It’s hopeless: lost in the ocean without sight of the shore, It’s painful: when the music plays and the heart aches, It’s suffocating, when you try to breath but it feels like you are in a vacuum. The rest is nothing, pulseless, numb One day, you hear a voice in your head that tells you to end it all It’s scary at first, But soon, the never-ending pain makes the voice sound gentle. You look inside Your soul has already rotted You can be surrounded by people who love you But still feel totally alone. There’s only pain left, the undesirable pointless pain One day, you decide it’s time to follow the voice Then comes the plan You can’t think anymore. You know it’s gonna hurt people around you. You have said sorry to them in your head thousands of times, For the pain you are going to cause them. You wrestle with following the plan, You call the suicide prevention hotline when the world is asleep. You are talking to a person on the other end about your life. There’s not much to talk about, You just don’t get why you feel this way. That person makes you promise not to kill yourself You say the words you know they want to hear Only to find the voice in your head is louder One day, you write a letter, To people that you know will want an answer You pick up the pen There seems to be so much that you want to say But words don’t come You write while tears pour down your cheeks: “Sorry, I can’t do it any longer. I have depression. I am too sick to get well. I am sorry…” Strangely, some days you start to feel a bit better Knowing that you are going to rest in peace Other days, you feel nervous Not knowing what’s after death But you decide to take a gamble You are already burning in a living hell The rest of the days, you see the world in slow motion You frame the smile of your friends in your head You take a snap shot with your eyes, The corner of the road you turn every day as you pass by You dance with your friends for the last time After your favorite song You hug them as usual, But tighter You are saying goodbye But no one knows that you are saying goodbye… You are scared when the day comes You’ve never been that scared Your body is shaking because it still wants to live But your mind is determined to destroy the demon that torments you Taking your life is the only way to do that You affirm to the voice And you close your eyes “I never imagined it would end this way Goodbye, life” Your body isn’t ready to go, It fights back You wake up feeling disoriented and useless For a second time, you have to make a big life decision, “To live” I never knew I could come out of this Now every day is a given I allow myself to be frustrated, sad, angry or broken at times I am glad depression didn’t take me I am grateful to be able to smell, see, hear and feel Life is a miracle My life is a miracle Please know that depression is a medical illness. I got through it, and so will you! You can’t promise that life won’t try to take you down, but you can promise your life to try battle it. Talk Helps Please call the lifeline because things do change even when you feel like they aren’t going to. 400 821 1215 - lifeline Shanghai #depression #China #mentalhealth #beijing #suicide

We know little about depression, but we know even less about bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is characterized by experiencing the polar opposites of emotion: depression and mania. Over the past two months, we have published articles about people’s experiences of depression. Mania is a symptom of manic depressive disorder (bipolar disorder) and today we will elaborate on it. There are many different types of bipolar disorder and understanding all of the nuances takes time. We are in the process of developing a Bipolar Essential series to help you to learn more about it. But how exactly does it exactly feel to be manic? Maria wrote to us a few months ago, and said she’d like to share her story of mania with us. And here it is. - Xiaojie After six long months of depression, I woke up one day feeling the happiest I have ever been. I felt like a unicorn. It was as if I had suddenly emerged through the end of the dark tunnel that was depression and leaped out into the sun. Everything looked so bright and there was not a single thing that bothered me. This was my first taste of mania. “I am awesome. AND I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO BE KING.” I wrote in my diary. For someone who has always had low self-esteem, my diary entries showed confidence I never even imagined I could have. I did not simply write I was going to be king, but knew that I WILL become king: King of the World. My diary entry on 28th July 2013 (Maria Chen, 2013) My exterior soon started to reflect the confidence and euphoria I felt within. I started walking with my head and chest held high. I changed my usual look of relatively conservative clothing and lack of makeup: I believed I was so attractive that I had to showcase it to the world. I started wearing bold, colorful and revealing clothing, as well as much heavier make up. How I felt daily during mania (Maria Chen, 2013) I wanted everyone to notice how amazing I was. I remember dressing up in my favorite QiPao (Chinese dress) and putting on a lot of makeup for no other reason than to pose in a photo and show everyone how good I looked. When I was complimented on my appearance, I thought to myself: “Of course I look nice: I am the most attractive person”. I want everyone to know how beautiful I am! (Maria Chen, 2013) Mania, in my eyes, was some of the happiest times I have experienced: I felt like I was on top of the world. But it definitely did cause damage, which I could not notice at the time of my illness. Nearly every waking moment I spent talking, or worse, singing to people near me. I was living in a hotel with my family in Canada but I ended up talking and singing so much that they hurried up to rent me my own apartment so they could feel less agitated. Even when I was alone I called others to talk or just sang by myself. I was highly sexual and looked for any chance to get closer to guys around me, despite already having a boyfriend. I also went on some crazy shopping sprees. Each day, my parents would give me money, and I would go out to buy a bunch of useless things including statues, bizarre bell-like instruments, strange looking clothes and more. I spent every single penny I was given, to the point I had to call my parents at the end of every day to ask them to pick me up because I was stranded downtown with five shopping bags and not even any money to bus home. Thank goodness I didn’t have a credit card! Excessive spending during mania (Geoff Williams, 2015) Despite all these drawbacks, I learnt an important lesson from my manic episode. Loving oneself and being confident makes life so much better. Of course it is ideal if you are not as confident as a manic person, but feeling that extreme confidence and happiness with myself really showed me how wonderful it was to be comfortable being me. This article is from CandleX column: My Story with Depression. This column is dedicated to raising awareness about depression and bipolar disorder through sharing personal depression stories, experiences, perspectives and reflections. All articles are from CandleX community members. Author: Maria Chen. Born in Norway, she’s a Chinese Canadian that currently studying in Canada to become a veterinarian, and working as a Veterinary Office Assistant. She likes painting, piano, drumming and horse riding. Her favorite time is spent bonding with my many animal friends. She is very proud to be friends with two Warthogs in South Africa! #depression #mentalhealth #bipolar #China #beijing

A letter from Xiaojie, Founder and Executive Director | CandleX Dear friends of CandleX, Below is a handwritten letter to our CandleX email subscribers. I wrote it in June a few weeks ago in northern Thailand at my meditation retreat, where there’s no phone, no Internet, just stillness and reflection. When CandleX first began, we didn’t have WeChat for the entire first year. Everything was communicated in the old fashion way - email. Since the email list serve only included my friends, and people who wrote to us expressing gratitude, or asking for help, it was more intimate. WeChat has enabled us to connect with the greater community, but I do miss writing a personal email to our CandleX email followers. Quite a few people on our email list don’t have WeChat, and so, here, I want to say, sorry that we haven’t been in touch that much since March. #depression #bipolar #mentalhealth #beijing

This article is from Candlex Column: My Story with Depression. This column is dedicated to raising awareness about depression and bipolar disorder through sharing personal stories, experiences, perspectives and reflections. All articles are written by CandleX community members. Today we will read Marco Brundelre’s story, with an introduction by Xiaojie Qin. Every time I see Marco, he has a big smile on his face. It’s warm and welcoming. You wouldn’t guess that he is fighting his own battle against depression and bipolar. It’s hard to live with bi-polar disorder, the random ups and downs can throw you off your feet. Still, he has that smile on his face, even when he tells you that he’s not feeling well. He chooses to do the best he can, to help himself, and now by sharing this story, to help others. We all deal with life’s difficulties in our own way. I use yoga. Marco relies on his love of the universe. Love in the Time of the Universe-Marco’s Story with Depression “Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality. When we recognize our place in an immensity of light-years and the passage of ages, when we grasp the intricacy, beauty, and subtlety of life, then that soaring feeling, that sense of elation and humility combined, is surely spiritual.” -Carl Sagan Bipolar! That was the diagnosis. I was a manic depressive; Type 1 to be exact. I had a sneaking suspicion throughout my life that perhaps I didn’t handle life situations in the same way that the “average” person would. But hey, at least I wasn’t crazy. A bit melodramatic sure, but thank God, “I’m not bipolar.” Oh wait…damn it…. In August of 2013, I was hospitalized after having a severe breakdown in Beijing. My older brother was living along with me at the time, and he thought that after six years living overseas, perhaps it was time for me to return to the US and take a break from the stresses of living in China, not to mention concerns regarding proper treatment. Six months later, after countless hours of psychiatric care, talk therapy, the most debilitating period of depression I have ever experienced and most of my savings spent on treatment, I was finally able to return to Beijing. I had been living with my sister and new brother-in-law (I insist on calling him a brother, rather than just my sister’s husband) in Los Angeles, and their endless patience, along with the support of my parents and older brother, helped me to survive a time when I was nearly non-functional, barely able to get myself out of bed in the morning, much less work or otherwise be in any way productive. Upon my return however, I quickly found myself not only trying to pick up the pieces, but struggling to ground myself in an environment that had somewhat left me behind in the time that I was away. I had to start anew, in someplace old. Slowly but surely, I was able to build a life again. Fortunately, I had built myself a strong social network in my time here, and had even created what I thought of as my “core” group of friends, my family away from home. They watched, and ultimately participated, in my journey from surviving, to struggling, to succeeding, to perhaps even flourishing in China. I cannot stress how essential my strong family and reliable friends have been to navigating the occasionally dark, and even extremely dark, waters of my own existence. For a solid year and a half, life was generally tolerable, and at times wonderful. And then…disaster. What had been given was ultimately taken away. My new joy for life had relied on something unreliable, and I found myself consumed by the great existential abyss once again. I was alone, surrounded by those who cared. It was an old, familiar experience. But this time was different. This time at least those around me knew what was going on, having previously been exposed by the aforementioned breakdown. There was nowhere to hide, and no point in hiding. I knew there were those who I could not only trust, but trust to not pass judgment. There was something else that was different as well. In the past, I had previously sought solace in the arms of religion, and philosophy, and both had been stalwarts for me. But, for whatever reason, science had come into my life, and helped me to stay afloat in those dreaded waters. By chance, I had previously introduced to a website called waitbutwhy.com, and so began my journey into the fascinating world of the Cosmos. I devoured most of the articles on the website, exploring everything from Artificial Intelligence, to SpaceX and Tesla, to colonizing Mars (!!!) to sociology, to history, and ultimately, to the Universe. It started with stars; the immensity of stars. So distant, and yet so profoundly intimate, our stellar ancestors. “The Cosmos is within us. We are made of star-stuff. We are a way for the Cosmos to know itself.” Those simple words by Carl Sagan had become my new personal philosophy. Profoundly spiritual, it was the vehicle upon which I could understand my own place in the Universe, as well as explain it to others. For me, science did not replace the mystics of the Catholic Church, nor Plato, nor Augustine, nor Thomas Merton, but instead somehow reinforced what they had all been communicating. We are all unimaginably small, and every one of us should remain in awe at the overwhelming immensity of the Universe. Science, to put it simply, had become mind-blowing, and every day became an exciting new opportunity to stretch the limits of my imagination to the point of exhaustion. It was wonderfully painful for my comparatively simple mind. And then one day, I decided that it would become my gospel. I needed a way to act out my frustration and anger at recent events, to allow myself to be a little immature. I had previously annoyed company at my insistence on explaining what I playfully referred to as, “science fun facts,” so I decided that I would exact my revenge by telling the whole world, or at least my small portion of it, about the wonders of the Cosmos, whether they wanted to hear it or not. The Universe is an amazing place, and we are a part of it, at once both meaningless and essential to its existence. People needed to hear this. Consider this: we are each one of more than7 billion people, on a world that is orbiting one of 400 billion stars in a galaxy that may be one of a trillion in the observable Universe, which itself may be one of an infinite number of parallel worlds. For each grain of sand in all the deserts and beaches in the world, there are at least 10,000 stars, each of which may have a multitude of planets around them. One “little” red dwarf star, one of maybe a billion trillion, is quite simply, absurdly enormous. We are cosmically, comically small, insignificant beings around for an insignificantly brief amount of time, in a Universe where Time may have no end. There was a strange sort of beauty in this, to know that we’ll never fully be able to understand in a thousand years what may exist for far more than a trillion. As hard as we try, there will always be more to fascinate us. If you are able, go find a place to see the Milky Way. You’ll only be looking at only about .00000000625% of the stars in our galaxy, but you’ll be as close to your stellar ancestors as most of us can hope to be. We came from those stars, and sometimes we should be reminded from where we came. Look at pictures of the stars, of planetary nebulae, of stellar nebulae, and of the galaxies. We came from that immense beauty, and we are that beauty experiencing itself. How big do your problems seem now? Today’s story comes from Marco. Marco Brundelre is a graduate from a well-known music academy in the US, and a long-term resident of Beijing. An active member of the Beijing scene, Marco is best known for his role as the drummer for Tavey Lean and the Solid Gold Dream Machine, as well as a few other bands around town. A science and philosophy enthusiast, Marco spends most of his mental energy thinking about stars, and the mind-blowing immensity of our Universe If you’d like to share your story and experience with depression, mania and/or severe anxiety or stress, please contact us at: info@candlex.cn #Beijing #depression #mentalhealth

Pere Ibañez’s sample work on bipolar CandleX is partnering with the photographer, Pere Ibañez, to create a photo series that portrays the moods of bipolar disorder. This first-of-its-kind event aims to give those interested an opportunity to experience the emotions associated with the illness. The photos will be curated in an online album in order to raise awareness about bipolar disorder. What is Bipolar? Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a mood disorder that causes unusual shifts of great magnitude in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out daily tasks. It is a severe and debilitating mental illness, but has only started to receive societal and academic attention in the past decade. The Prevalence Rate for bipolar disorder is approximately 1.1% for the population over the age of 18 (source: US National Institute of Mental Health). This means that at any one time, 51 million people worldwide suffer from bipolar disorder, with around 12 million people based China, and 2.2 million in the USA. Lovato talking about bipolar on Instagram In recent years, many celebrities have admitted to having bipolar. Demi Lovato, American actress/singer/writer, revealed her illness in April 2011 in an interview with People magazine; and Eason Chan, front runner in the next generation of Cantopop, also shared his bipolar experience with the public. CandleX is dedicated to increasing awareness of bipolar disorder in Beijing. As part of the movement, we are launching a new event series – Mood Lab. What are we going to do? Photos are a very powerful tool and are able to present a feeling or an idea. We would like to illustrate what having bipolar is like aided by the creativity of Pere Ibañez. We are looking for people who are interested in modeling for these photo shoots, prior to which, we will offer experiential workshops on emotions, with details as follows: Mood LaB workshops: 6 and 27 November 2016, 2-hour sessions (exact timing to be confirmed). Weekly Photo shoots: Between December 2016 to April 2017, exact timing to be liaised with model. Both events will be provided for free. Our photographer, Pere Ibañez, is known worldwide for producing works that evoke strong feelings. Some might find his photos shocking or intimidating, but they explore aspects of human nature that too often are underplayed and trivialized. His first photographic collection, EneME, has been released in 22 countries to date. The Leftlovers and Generation Y, his second and third series, both ranked #1 in iTunes sales for art ebooks in Spain. Pere Ibañez, born and raised in Barcelona, currently lives in Beijing How do get involved? We are looking for: People who are interested in learning more about bipolar and mood management to join us in Mood LaB workshops. People in the Beijing community with an interest to be models for photo shoots. We would require this of the models: Strong interest in the topic Commitment to join one of the Mood LaB workshops about emotions and moods. Open-minded and easygoing; people who are sensitive to being nude in front of the camera might find it difficult to participate. This is a great opportunity to learn more about mood and emotional management through the free workshops, and a chance to experience what it is like at a professional photo shoot! By participating, you allow CandleX and the photographer to use your pictures for mental health awareness raising projects for free. Sample bipolar image by Pere Ibañez: “Fireworks” aims to capture the light-heading rush and that sudden energy that might come during a manic episode. To Apply Please click here to submit an application. All information in the application form will be kept confidential and only within the CandleX team. We will hold a short phone interview with suitable candidates. Please feel free to ask us any questions at: info@candlex.cn #bipolar #moodlab #beijing #china #depression