As part of our Teens Empowerment Project this year, we invited our teen mentees to interview their parents on the topic of mental health. Talking about such sensitive topics as a family can be challenging. The aim of this project was to create an opportunity for our mentees to explore a different dynamic with their parents- one of emotional openness, vulnerability, mutual acceptance and support. As a mentor, I’m very proud of our teens for writing these articles which give us insight into the value of authentic communication between parents and children.
Leo Yu, a grade 12 international school student in Beijing, has previously written on the topic of self-discovery in his article ‘What Do I Want to Do When I Grow Up’ | A Teenager’s Reflection. As an international student who has grown up in very different socio-cultural contexts from his parents, he is attuned to the impact these differences have had on communication within his family. While mentoring Leo for this project, I observed his keen interest in building an open conversation track with his parents and his desire for emotional closeness. His ability to organize and conduct this interview while studying in the US as his parents live in China, further shows his determination to bridge the distance and form a closer bond. In this article we see the powerful impact that can made by stepping outside our comfort zone.
Sharon Liu
CandleX Teens Mentor
Sep 2024
Leo Yu
G12 International School Student in Beijing
2024
“I’m doing well”, “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed”, “I’m elated by what had been going around work.” These are some phrases and sayings you will never hear in my household and family. Yes, they are Chinese Asians. We never ask each other, like in western households, “How are you?” daily to the extent that it may seem awkward and unfitting to social-cultural norms here in China. Despite the constant repetition of this phrase in Western movies and vacations, I never questioned our differences in behavior.
It was not until the summer of my junior year in high school that I began adopting and reciprocating with other Westerners similar greetings, such as “How was your day?”. It seemed weird and superficial at first, a procedural habit asked by people I met here in the States; I questioned, “I don’t even know you that well to be able to tell you what I really feel.” In fact, the people I tried conversing with did not seem to care much after inquiring about my current well-being, as if it was merely a customary and manner-related habit to ask “how are you” when approaching anyone on a daily conversation or a passing-by. But since they asked, I really wanted them to know. So I tried telling my feelings instead of what I was taught in school- “I’m fine, thank you,”- and to me, it felt great.
I wondered why this wasn’t a common greeting in my family household. I never heard my father talk about how he might be stressed about work-related matters, or my mother conversing about how she felt as a housewife, or even myself expressing whether or not I felt depressed or overburdened with school & extracurricular activities. So, I decided to ask my parents about it- something that I had never and would never think to do before.
Preparing for this interview felt like I was planning a speech, a weird but also exciting experience as it had never occurred to me that preparation could be needed in order to converse with my parents.
Due to geographic separation, as I was and am currently participating in a summer program in California while my parents are back in China, I decided to notify them before the interview of the content and its backstory, finally calling them later on video to reduce its artificiality. The responses and conversations that I had with both my parents seemed to be long overdue, and they still continue to resonate in my heart, for conversing about mental health was something my parents and I had never done before.
The reasons that created this atmosphere of awkwardness and discomfort around emotional expression were attributed by both of my parents to their earlier education and familial-cultural norms during their childhoods. My grandparents from both sides, like my parents now, never spoke about their emotions- both positive and negative- which were kept hidden. The conversing of internal feelings was often seen as a sign of weakness and vulnerability, which was not valued and often scolded. In comparison to many of my Western friends who feel accepted and free to speak about their stresses and anxieties with their parents, my parents and I seem emotionless in a sense. The contrast between the two cultural approaches became increasingly apparent as our conversation continued. My parents explained how, in the traditional Chinese culture they are in, showing emotions or discussing personal struggles was often perceived as a disruption of harmony and social balance. It seems that the practices of my grandparents were deeply ingrained in them, teaching them to view emotional expressions as a private matter not to be shared publicly.
Despite these cultural norms, my parents both recognized the importance of evolving our approach to mental health and emotional expression. I also acknowledged the drawbacks of the Western approach as it often gives a sense of superficiality since it was customary to ask during the strict control of Eastern culture; what I want to propose is a collective approach of the two. Overall, the interview felt just like any other conversation I would have with them on a daily basis as we spoke to one another in a neutral and peaceful tone, but it felt more heart-touching as it related to familial matters. This topic actually seemed to be expected by them, it’s just that they are always prudently waiting for me to take the first step of asking, believing that taking action might catch me off guard.
Their responses shed light on why my family’s communication style often felt detached when compared to my friends, and it was during this interview that we all had important realizations. They acknowledged that having a non-judgmental environment for openly discussing mental health within the family could enhance understanding and support for one another in necessary times. I realized that this was the second time my parents and I had ever actually talked about our feelings without getting into an argument- and that is to me, rare. The understanding that my parents presented to me felt like a long-closed door of my heart being opened; this feeling of warmth and being understood flooded into me so strongly that I almost cried in front of them. Having my parents’ understanding will be greatly beneficial for my open expression of emotions in later conversations, for instance those regarding my future life. Reflecting on our insights, I began to appreciate my parents and myself for taking this step out of our comfort zones, helping us navigate the cultural differences in emotional expression.
Ultimately, this dialogue with my parents was not just an exploration of their perspectives but a journey to a deeper understanding of our family dynamics, something that would have never happened if I did not ask. The discussion highlighted the need to bridge cultural gaps and integrate practices that promote emotional openness while respecting our heritage. Something that one could possibly implement here to mediate the balance would be hosting weekly or monthly family meetings where we could check-in with each other’s emotional state. If I were to say anything to adolescents around my age, taking this first step, settling down with my (your) parents in a non-judgmental, bias-free conversation would open the family to many more in the future.
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